Today is a big day. Today our faith was reaffirmed in the system and its ability to keep us safe from our enemies, the animals. A dog cannot run for governor in Kansas.
Hutch the dog applied to run for governor of Kansas last weekend. Rather, the humans he controls filled out the paperwork for him. And this week the Kansas Secretary of State’s Office ruled that Hutch cannot run because he would not be able to carry out the responsibilities of such a position.
Obviously, an animal takeover of our democratic process is the greatest threat to our country today. We have a glimpse into the hell that a Hutch administration would look like His campaign managers said Hutch planned on naming his sister and brother lieutenant governor and secretary of state. Nepotism much?
The Olympics are on, and that means the world is sitting down to watch a bunch of sports they ordinarily we would normally skip right past scrolling through our TV channels. In a week and a half, no one will care about bobsled or ice dancing.
But Mr. T is all-in on curling.
We are all Mr. T right now.
The capital of New Jersey is under siege. It’s been going on all winter, and the city government is going to fight back. That’s bad news if you’re a crow.
Citizens of Trenton have complained about the 30,000 some odd crows that arrived this winter and show no signs of leaving. They’re loud in the morning, they crap everywhere, and worst of all, they’re animals. Starting today, the city is teaming up with the USDA to get the crows out of town. Let’s run down what they plan to use:
- Pyrotechnics — Hell yeah, crows hate KISS concerts.
- Lasers — Unclear on whether this goes along with the concert idea, or whether the lasers are more the “pew pew” variety.
- Spotlights — Blind the little suckers. That’ll show ’em!
- Recordings of crow distress calls — Not sure how fighting loud birds with recordings of loud birds solves anything, but go for it.
- Crow effigies — They’re going to put fake crows up around town? Maybe they think that when the fake crows don’t respond to conversation they’ll get bored and leave. Or maybe they’ll burn the crow effigies. Eat it, crows!
It seems obvious to state that we are heartened to see one city getting tough on our animal foes. It’s time we take the fight to them.
As we reach the literal worst part of the sports calendar, I have to reach for things to write about. This year, it’s the NBA trade deadline which actually ended up being one of the more entertaining days in the NBA in recent memory.
This past summer, reigning NBA Finals’ losers, the Cleveland Cavaliers, re-shaped their roster by trading away a 25-year-old superstar in Kyrie Irving, away for Isaiah Thomas’ bum hip and scrap metal. They also decided that it would be a great idea to bring in Dwayne Wade, who hasn’t been useful in about five years, Derrick Rose, who hasn’t been useful since before Obama’s re-election and some other moves that really don’t make any sense. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Cav It All
Ever wanted to become an Olympic athlete? Turns out you need to eat eggs — a whole lot of eggs. That’s probably what Team Norway is doing after they mistakenly ordered 10 times more eggs than they could possibly need.
The chefs for Norway’s Olympic team tried to order 1,500 eggs from a supermarket in South Korea, using Google Translate as an intermediary. So the team was surprised when 15,000 eggs showed up for delivery. No one’s sure where there extra zero got added in the process.
But if you’re at the Pyeongchang Games want some killer omelettes, go find the Norwegians. They probably have a few eggs to spare.
Jimmy Buffett, the living embodiment of baby boomers’ idea of a party, seems to have given up on his partying ways. But he still wants you to visit Margaritaville.
According to a recent profile of the guy who built a career off of a song about being drunk in a beach setting, the 71-year-old singer doesn’t really drink anymore. Basically, he’s too old and too busy touring and selling everything he can think to put “Margaritaville” on, to go hard like he used to. (The reason for the profile is his new musical on Broadway.) The timing of his cutting back seems fortuitous, since we’re about to have a tequila shortage.
But he’ll be happy to sell you whatever crap you want, or even let you live out your days in a Margaritaville retirement community.
Folks, we don’t want to alarm you, but if your weekend plans include drinking a margarita, make sure you enjoy it, because you may not get to have another one for a while. There’s a tequila shortage coming.
Just in time for Spring Break, the tequila industry in Mexico is having trouble keeping up with demand, as well as a supply crunch. Agave prices are six times higher than they were just two years ago. On top of that, the demand for tequila keeps going up. That means that distillers aren’t making the money they used to, and they don’t have enough agave plants to work with.
It’s so bad that some farmers have been forced to sell agave plants that aren’t fully mature and don’t produce as much tequila. That makes the supply shortage even worse.
And because agave plants take years to grow, it’s not likely that supply will catch up to demand any time soon. There’s always whiskey though.
There’s a lot of bad news out there lately, and not just that pretty much every famous guy is a sex monster. But it’s in these dark times that the light of good news shines even brighter. That’s why we’re happy to report that you can scare horses by wearing a dinosaur costume and the law won’t stop you.
Last summer, a woman in Charleston, South Carolina was accused of dressing up in a T. rex costume and scaring some horses pulling a carriage carrying 16 tourists. The incident caused the driver to fall from the carriage and break his foot, however, none of the tourists were hurt.
City prosecutors this week dropped the charges against the woman, effectively conceding that it is A-OK to dress up like a dinosaur and scare animals. Use this knowledge wisely.
Welcome back Eat My Readers! Of course, you all know the outcome of Super Bowl LII by now. Nick Foles Face and the Eagles thwarted the dynastic Patriots 41-33, Philadelphia has all but burned to the ground under police-supervised white privilege, and Bryan McBournie is using the pages of his TB12 method book to soak up his tears before the Pats go on another run next year.
In my attempt at further hacking Bill Simmons’ career, I realized it’s been a while since we’ve done a running diary (almost eight years, actually). So, as the Super Bowl unfolded and Philly was about to be turned into carnage, here are exchanges between McBournie and I during the Super Bowl: Continue reading Eat My Sports: Super Bowl LII Running Diary Edition
Law enforcement officers put their lives on the line every day to keep us safe, that includes keeping us safe from animals real and fake.
In Scotland, police responded to reports of a tiger in a cow barn. The property owner took a break from a party he was hosting to check on his cows at night and was shocked to see a tiger stretched out on the floor of the barn, looking quite comfortable. Authorities treated the situation quite seriously, as Scottish countryside is lousy with tigers.
A photograph of the beast was sent to police headquarters and confirmed as legit. Police officers on the scene stayed back from the barn and tried negotiating with the tiger, which refused to come out. After 45 minutes some brave officers got close enough to find that it was just a stuffed toy tiger.
No one knows how the stuffed tiger got into the barn, but it seems obvious that the animals are just testing our response times.