There appears to be a penis in the sky

Some Navy pilots have gotten in trouble for doing what any guy with a jet would do: draw a penis.

The sunny skies over Washington state were marred when a Navy plane drew a huge schlong, complete with testicles, with its contrails. The water vapor shaped like genitalia is of course very funny, but like all funny things, someone has to ruin it by complaining, and it’s usually a mom. A handful of citizens didn’t appreciate the free anatomy lesson, and complained to the Navy.

In the greatest injustice of all, the Navy has apologized, saying the stunt was “unacceptable.” Your move, Air Force.

Man covered in blood says it’s from Santa Claus

There may actually not be a Christmas this year. Santa Claus may be injured or dead.

In Michigan, a man was found wandering around outside a gas station covered in blood and holding a piece of meat. (No, that’s not the punchline, we’re not that dark.) Authorities say that before they arrived on the scene, the man ran off to his mobile home nearby. They found him because there was a trail of blood leading right to his door. There was even blood on the door itself. Police say Roy Purple, 62, was visibly drunk, and said that the blood on the door was from Santa Claus.

This alarming response was brushed off by police, who arrested Purple on resisting an officer after he lunged at a cop. All too eager to explain a possible murder of Chris Kringle away, authorities say they believe the blood was from a deer hit by a car nearby. The head was cut off and found near Purple’s home.

Can we get a welfare check on Santa?

Science: Rodent relationships end if they don’t drink the same

A couple is happy until one starts drinking too much, and before long, the relationship is over. It’s a well-known tale — at least in prairie vole circles.

According to a new study, prairie voles (picture morbidly obese field mice) don’t end up staying together if they don’t drink about the same amount of alcohol. Voles have life-long monogamous relationships, but alcohol can get in the way. The more alcohol a male vole drinks, the more likely he is to go find another female to mate with, while the more of a lush the female vole, the more likely she is to stay with her original mate.

Researchers determined this by monitoring voles’ alcohol intake, and listening to them drunkenly ramble on about how their wives just don’t understand them.

Eat My Sports: Don’t Call It A Comeback

Since I started really being cognizant of sports, and I’ll put this time right around 1994, few stories have dominated the landscape of sports and pop culture quite like the saga of O.J. Simpson. I mean, let’s face it, few people have had the enigmatic draw that Simpson has had, for good or for bad (yes, I know when it comes to The Juice, it’s almost always been bad, but c’mon) he’s a draw that you just can’t turn away from the story.

Last week, Simpson got kicked out of a Las Vegas hotel bar after becoming drunk and unruly, breaking glasses, and while not confirmed, we can only hope he was screaming out “DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!?!” When Simpson is in the news, and specifically for making a drunk mess out of himself, this just leads to a better news cycle and a better day for all of us. Continue reading Eat My Sports: Don’t Call It A Comeback

Coconut crab kills a bird, are we next?

Add to the list of ways humanity can end, “coconut crabs.” These massive crabs are confined to remote islands in the Pacific and Indian Oceans, but if they ever escape it’s the end of us. Don’t believe us? They can kill birds.

A biologist recently took a video of one of these dog-sized crab sneaking upon and killing a red-footed booby in the dead of night. The bird was sleeping in a tree, and the crab crawled up, broke the bird’s wing with one of its massive claws, then pounced upon the helpless creature. Before long, five other crabs came to take a piece of the carcass.

There’s no question that mankind is threatened by this crab’s existence. If it can kill a bird, it can kill a man. But the question remains, do they taste good?

Mo. town overtaken by naked, barking people

The people of Sullivan, Missouri know how to party. There may not be much to do in the small town, but locals make their own fun.

According to police, a group of people ran through the streets barking like dogs and stripping off their clothes. Some of the individuals even broke into local bars and restaurants to shower themselves in water and soda. The whole scene caught the town off guard.

Police believe the naked suspects were on a synthetic version of meth that the kids call flakka. So there’s one drug you can take off your list to try.

Christmas music makes you crazy, experts say

As we noted recently, it’s Christmas season, whether we like it or not. But a word of caution: don’t get too into the holiday spirit, it’s for your own good.

Experts say that constant exposure to Christmas music and scents can negatively affect your mental health. Studies show that holiday-related stress is a fairly common affliction. Psychologists warn that being unable to escape reminders of the holiday season can increase the pressure that we put on ourselves by not allowing a mental escape. By bombarding ourselves with Christmas music and scents the associate with the holidays, we put our mental health at risk.

So turn off the holiday jams, put out that pine-scented candle and thow out your maple pecan gingerbread coffee drink. You’re driving yourself crazy.

Sheep will put paparazzi out of business

The sheep are watching you, and they probably know who you are, according to science. But it gets worse, they know who our celebrities are.

Researchers at Cambridge University have found that sheep are able to recognize the faces of famous people. They trained eight sheep to recognize the faced of former President Barack Obama, actor Jake Gyllenhaal, actress Emma Watson, and some British journalist you’ve never heard of. They then held up pictures of two faces, and wouldn’t you know, the sheep were able to correctly identify which one was the celebrity.

This means they have facial recognition abilities similar to our own. And they never seem to blink.

Seems like Santa gets arrested earlier every year

Flight risk.

We’re barely a week after Halloween, but Santa Claus is out making appearances — and having inevitable run-ins with the law — once more. This year, old Chris Kringle is starting off the retail Christmas season with drug charges.

Police in South Hackensack, New Jersey say that Santa, going under the alias Charles Smith, 66, was arrested on drug paraphernalia charges after a crack pipe, empty bags of crack and heroin and hypodermic needles were found in his car during a traffic stop.

The South Hackensack Police Department just made it to the naughty list this year.

London sewer blockage cleared after 9 weeks

The citizens of London can breathe easier now that a massive blockage has been removed from city’s sewer system.

It took crews nine weeks to clear out the blockage, which was over 800 feet long. The blockage, affectionately called a “fatberg,” was a mostly solid mass of fat, diapers, wipes and other gross stuff that probably isn’t supposed to be flushed or sent down the drain. Workers used jets of water and even dug it out manually.

There’s no doubt the weary workers have some horror stories to tell. Let’s hope they’re getting a knighthood for their living nightmare.