I want you to imagine that there is a destitute baseball franchise. This franchise has gone through generations of futility with their inability to win the World Series. Not only can they not win, but they lose in heartbreaking fashion in the playoffs, literally in the most excruciating ways. Now, this franchise reverses course and hires a man-child, baseball metrics genius to break a supposed curse, and the team does so by mowing through the playoffs against their decades-long archrival.
Sound familiar? Yeah, Cubs fans, we’re looking at you. Your 2015 playoff run is a rip off 11 years too late after Theo Epstein got America to buy into this story the first go round. But let me warn you, nation-wide overexposure comes with a price if you win the World Series.
I know, I’m a Red Sox fan.
After the 2004 Sox reversed the curse and became national darlings, they treated 2005 like a year-long victory lap, and the overexposure turned them from loveable idiots to being hated just as much as the Yankees. Continue reading →
It feels like everything under the sun has been done when it comes to drinking. When human society exists because hunter-gatherers would rather live with cowsh*t to produce wheat for beer, there can’t be much left to discover, booze-wise, after 10,000 years of making it.
But then some gloriously inebriated genius does something so reckless, so dangerous, that even the top minds in law enforcement can’t keep up.
Sure, what she did was stupid and could have killed herself and others. But combining using the phone while driving, and drinking and driving, is exactly the kind of action that could get us closer to self-driving cars. And that should free up our hands for even better drunken carriage ride home videos.
We look forward to seeing what else Ms. Beall comes up with while not driving for some time.
We live in a world where a fungus can do to your lady what you can’t.
According to a recent study, there is an unnamed fungus species that grows only around Hawaiian lava flows that are hundreds of years old. Apparently it’s learned a few things, because it can make women have an orgasm with a single smell. The fungus was first discovered in 2001, but better research on the fungus was delayed (let’s blame 9/11). We now know that about half of women tested had a spontaneous climax. Male subjects had nothing.
This is an opportune time to introduce The Guys’ new cologne, “Fungus of the Fire Rock.” Look for it in stores this holiday season.
This is one of those weird holidays. Some people have it off, some don’t. Some people think it’s a terrible day to celebrate, some don’t. I believe Christopher Columbus was the original American. Here’s why. (Originally published Oct. 8, 2012)
Years ago, Columbus Day was a major holiday for the Italian community. Think St. Patrick’s Day, but with less puke, more mustaches and the same amount of Catholics. It’s probably still celebrated that way in some areas of the U.S., but it’s just not the big deal it once was, in part because we figured out that Columbus wasn’t the first European to find the New World, that honor belongs to the Vikings, most likely.
It’s a strange quasi-holiday. Some people have it off, most people don’t, and no one is sure how to celebrate it. I never had it off as a kid, but I heard tell of a time, also known as When My Parents Were Kids, when Columbus Day meant a long weekend, even for students. Since then, a lot of people have said, “Hey, this Columbus guy didn’t really ‘discover’ America, because there were civilizations living here long before he showed up.”
Well, hippies, here’s why it’s an important holiday, particularly in the U.S. Continue reading →
The most frustrating part about the War on Animals is that, even though animals are clearly at war with humanity, there are segments of the human population that are actively helping our foes win. Every time we gain a foothold and put an animal species on the ropes, some hippie declares them “endangered,” allows them to replenish their numbers and we’re back at square one.
Fortunately, it looks like some naturalists have learned the error of their ways.
The Audubon Society — a flock of bird-lovers — published photos of an elusive and once-thought-extinct mustached kingfisher. The pictured bird was “collected” — that is, killed — by the guy who found it. Well done, and just in time for Movember!
And, eco-tourists — people who travel to remote locations to not only post smug travelling pictures online, but tag them with smug comments about protecting nature — are ruining animal sanctuaries by tainting the ecosystem and taming animals that should fear and respect humans. Thanks! We couldn’t possibly reach all of those enclaves ourselves.
With naturalists finally on our side, humanity could finally crush the animals within our lifetime. Peace in our time, just in time to wipe each other out.
Nearly four years after we first warned you about them, it seems the mainstream media is at last catching on to the threat of zombie bees, better known as “zombees.”
The zombee plague appears to have started on the West Coast, and is making its way east. According to researchers, little flies insert eggs into the abdomens of honeybees and yellow jackets, and it drives them crazy. Before long, the bees are flying at night, and lurching around like zombies. Then they die.
Of course, experts are trying to keep the masses calm by insisting this only affects bees and yellow jackets, but since you read this blog, you know all to well that we’ll start seeing reports of humans being infected soon.
Apparently there’s a pumpkin shortage this year. That seems odd, because every grocery store I’ve seen has been bursting with them. The real problem is how we’re using them. The grocery store just down the road from me is selling painted pumpkins. Painted. Pumpkins. You’re supposed to do two things with a pumpkin: eat it, and carve a jack-o-lantern. When you paint a stupid face on a pumpkin, you can’t do either. Is this a thing now? If you were busy getting released from prison this week, odds are you missed it.
House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy was having a decent week until he removed himself from consideration to be the next speaker of the House. According to reports, Speaker John Boehner’s hand-picked successor received an email this week threatening to expose an alleged affair with Rep. Renee Ellmers. And that is called being majority whipped.
There’s no emoji to get this right
Speaking of getting messages you don’t want, Giants wide receiver Victor Cruz had a headache of his own when his fiance sent a group text to all of the women he is cheating on her with. In her message, Elaina Watley introduced herself, and called out the other ladies for banging her fiance. It appears Cruz will be using his hands for more than just football.
This week, while promoting his new movie, Spectre, actor Daniel Craig said he would rather slash his wrists than play James Bond again. Perhaps this is a peak at what the new movie will be like. That would explain why Sam Smith’s song for the film is so moody and bland.
The Guys are divided on working out. On the one hand, we all know that big muscles are the secret to comedy, as we learned from Joe Piscopo. But on the other, we’re pretty sure that building gut-busting six-pack abs will get in the way of our drinking.
Fortunately, bro science has developed a beer with whey protein — that’s the dairy run-off that farmers used to throw out and now sell with a 1000% mark-up at GNC. Brewtein will contain 7 grams of whey, which its makers claim is the most protein in any beer on the market. They also have a lower carb version called Nutribeer, which should absolutely not trigger any FTC alarms about false claims at all.
Both contain as much alcohol as your standard Budweiser, so to everyone except your beer snob uncle, they’re real beers. By adding whey, which usually results in … ahem, urgent toiletry, bro science has finally raised the bar for beer sh*ts.
As you might imagine, the life of a scientist in Antarctica isn’t easy. But according to a report, it’s more exciting than you would think.
The scientists in the U.S. Antarctic Program like to keep things rowdy, according to a report from the National Science Foundation’s inspector general’s office. Researchers there like to booze it up, and that has lead to fights, indecent exposure and even showing up drunk for work. In one case, a scientist brewed his own beer.
Given the location, we have to assume it was an ice beer.
Fox News CEO — and elected representative of the Australian Lizard People — Rupert Murdoch seems to have repressed memories of the last eight years. In spite of round-the-clock coverage of the Obama administration on his news network, he seemingly forgot all about our nation’s first black president when he posted on Twitter that he hopes Ben Carson will be our first “real black President.”
That is, either Murdoch has repressed all memories of the Obama administration, believing that the only black president America has had is Bill Clinton, or you’re only really black if you agree with him politically and racially.
Fortunately for white men everywhere, Ben Carson is determined to be the black friend that makes us not racist, whether he’s giving us permission to fly the Confederate flag or judge our own “Mr. African-American” contest:
The Carson campaign says it has no problems with Murdoch’s original tweet.
Of course you don’t, Dr. Carson. That’s how Rupert knows that you’re one of the good ones.