| Filed under The McBournie Minute

The McBournie Minute: Football is just pro wrestling for adults

I try to avoid writing about sports when I can. We already have someone in-house to do that, and besides, the internet is littered with random people giving their hot takes on the latest happenings in the world of sporting. (You could make the same argument about snarky blogs, but whatever.)

So when I do write about sports, I try to do it from an angle calling the industry and its followers out. This is one of those posts. I’ll do my best to keep my fanboydom to a minimum, but you’ll probably roll your eyes once or twice. I just ask that you take your head out of your ass.

Now, let’s talk about ball pressure. Woo, sports! Continue reading

| Filed under War on Animals

Family thinks shot at iguana meant for them

If you’re going on vacation, you want to feel safe. And that includes safety from wildlife. One family vacationing in Florida thought they were being targeted when they were really being defended.

The Wells family had been enjoying their time by the water in Florida when they heard a shot whiz past them. They barricaded themselves in their hotel room and called the police. It turns out, some kindly neighbor was actually targeting–and hit–an iguana sitting on a nearby seawall. Iguanas are not only invasive species, but are known for being bloodthirsty maneaters.

Good job, Floridians, in defending your fellow humans.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Close shave edition

It's taken me years, but I finally found an excuse to post this.
It’s taken me years, but I finally found an excuse to post this.

People are all freaked out today that the company that owns SkyMall is filing for bankruptcy protection. I find this pretty baffling. First, because “filing for bankruptcy protection” isn’t a synonym for “going out of business.” Secondly, because it’s like not catalogs or any other form of printed periodicals have done very well in the last 15 years. And finally, have you every bought any of the junk they peddle? That’s why they’re hurting for cash. If you were busy making comebacks at lawmakers this week, odds are you missed it.

King Tut gets a makeover
This week, it was announced that the beard of King Tut’s famed golden burial mask was broken off and reattached with epoxy during cleaning sometime last year. The job was clearly rushed, and used the wrong type of adhesive was used. There’s now a gap between Tut’s chin and his beard, and Egyptian Museum officials worry some of the damage is permanent. To be fair, he’s been sporting the same look for over 3,000 years. It’s about time it was updated.

Debategate
The New England Patriots are going to the Super Bowl, but the media needs something to talk about to fill the two weeks until the big game. Enter the Indianapolis Colts. The team complained that the Patriots were using footballs that were underinflated, a violation of the rules, and a subsequent investigation found 11 of 12 Patriots balls weren’t filled to regulation minimums. Sports media, known for being level-headed, have called for coach Bill Belichick and quarterback Tom Brady to be suspended from the Super Bowl over rule about ball inflation that no one has ever cared about. The balls have been suspended for two games.

Company foolishly picks fight with Liam Neeson
This week, actor Liam Neeson was criticized for his comments about guns in the U.S., which is to say that he said anything about them. Neeson said that gun culture here has gotten out of hand, and that there are too many guns in America. Coming from a guy who’s been in a few action movies, this can sound a little odd, but reasonable. Still, PARA USA, the gun supplier for Taken 3, has called for a boycott of the new movie. This is where the firearm debate has led us: a man who glorifies guns in his movies says guns are glorified, and the gun industry, which suffers from a persecution complex anyway, tells people not to go see a movie that glorifies guns because the guy who glorifies them says guns are glorified.

| Filed under Regular Post

Blame it on the swine, yeah, yeah

In other bacon-related news

The Chinese city of Dazhou has a wee bit of a pollution problem. Okay, maybe that was downplayed a bit, as the area has spent all of 2015 suffering from severe air pollution. That sounds pretty bad. It gets a little worse.

Officials are blaming it on bacon.

No blame is being thrown toward a bacon-producing factory, as one would expect, but its own citizens for smoking their bacon, an act that is not a euphemism. Environmental officials claim that the process, a centuries old tradition that has gained popularity as time has passed, releases a pollutant that is a key ingredient in the recipe that is “Breathing Problems.”

Children, mark this day in history, as you now know the first shot fired in the Internet-Dazhou War of 2015.

| Filed under Regular Post

‘Honey, I bulldozed the house’

Relationship experts say that no matter where you are in life, communication is the only way to stay together. A New York state man may not believe in that.

James Rhein’s home had a crumbling foundation, and other parts of the house were in disrepair. So he rented a bulldozer and leveled the place. The only thing is that his wife hadn’t been notified of his plans.

“But now she’s over it,” Rhein said. “We’re good. I’m a good husband, what can I tell you?”

| Filed under MasterChugs Theater

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Welcome to the Jungle’

A crew of office drones from Nowheresville reenact Lord of the Flies in Rob Meltzer’s Welcome to the Jungle, a picture billed as Jean-Claude Van Damme’s first comedy. That description is arguable on two fronts: it undervalues the laugh-generating capability of many of JCVD’s ostensibly serious outings, while grossly overestimating the comedic value here. Continue reading

| Filed under Booze News

Bar closed for dogs, Petco says

People who have dogs accept many things. They accept that they will never sleep well ever again, they accept that their furniture is going to get torn up, and they accept that they can’t just leave town whenever they want. But they don’t accept dealing with hyper dogs.

That’s why dog owners bought Good Dog Pet Calming Supplement at Petco. Well, they used to, anyway. Petco has pulled the product off its shelves after the homeopathic medicine was found to contain 13% alcohol by volume.

Owners said they first suspected there was booze in it when after one dose, the dogs would start rambling about what a bitch their old lady was.

| Filed under Regular Post

New Hampshire to use bacon rather than guilt to spur lotteries

In a world of gimmick-laden scratch-off lottery tickets, the New Hampshire Lottery has created what might be the ultimate gimmick: a bacon-scented scratch-off ticket. Yes, a scratch and scent scratch-off clearly designed to target the Internet and millennial crowd, the New Hampshire Lottery hopes that the ploy campaign will create new engagement for scoring money.

The I Heart Bacon scratch ticket combines two things people love: the chance to win cash and the wonderful, enticing smell of bacon,” said Charlie McIntyre, executive director of the New Hampshire Lottery Commission.

It has all the benefits of eating bacon (the smell, the taste), except the actual consumption. On the plus side, it also lacks the cons of eating bacon (high cholesterol) … though it hasn’t lost the con of winning money.