| Filed under Booze News

U.S. shows the world how to drink

Captain America represents the best drinker in all of us.
Captain America represents the best drinker in all of us.

America prides itself on not being the rest of the world. Ask anyone who’s never traveled and they’ll tell you that the U.S. is the greatest country in the world. Raise a glass, fellow Americans, today we are truly special.

According to a new study, the world decided to cut back a bit on drinking, leaving the U.S. to keep the party going on its own as the only country to drink more. A worldwide decline in alcohol sales hasn’t been seen in recent memory, and the U.S. proudly kept such a tragedy from occurring in 2015, as booze sales rose by near 1 billion liters over the previous year.

If the rest of the world wants to cut back on the drinky-drinky, that’s just more beer for us.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Doing it more often gives beetles bigger genitals

If beetles don’t use it, they lose it, according to a recent study.

Male burying beetles have a big incentive to get it on, as the more they do, the bigger their genitalia get, researchers at University of Exeter have found. What’s more, the female of the aptly named beetles also sees an increase in genital size. Literally, the more they do it, the more rapidly their naughty parts develop.

Researchers also found that these traits could then be passed on through the generations. So maybe there’s hope for you after all.

| Filed under Eat My Sports

Eat My Sports: NBA Finals Crisis

LeBron James versus Steph Curry, that was Adam Silver’s dream rematch for the end to one of the more memorable NBA seasons in recent years. Now, with the Golden State Warriors down 2-1 to the Oklahoma City Thunder and the Cleveland Cavaliers in a fight for their lives against the only team the Association let in from Canada, the ratings dream is about to be a nightmare of a possible Thunder/Raptors NBA Finals.

Usually the NBA playoffs are the only playoffs where the best team wins. A best of seven series weeds out the weaklings (the only exception being the 1999, eighth seeded New York Knicks, and even that wasn’t a true representation because it was a strike shortened year) and the best team takes home the prize. Take a look back over the 10 years: Warriors, Spurs, Heat, Heat, Mavericks, Lakers, Lakers, Celtics, Spurs, Heat, see any trend aside from the Mavericks?

The Warriors and Cavs have come back from the brink the past few years, but if Silver and his plans on legalizing sports gambling want any part of getting any public interest heading into next year, he better pray that Curry and James find a way to meet again, because while I may not know a whole lot about ratings, I do know that no one is going to watch the Raptors.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

What’s wrong with our Legos?

There’s a disturbing new trend in society today. It’s not the growing support of authoritarianism taking the stage in this year’s presidential election. It’s not even the news media’s collective abdication of responsibility. It’s far worse. Legos are more violent than ever before.

Yes, Lego, the choking hazard kids love to play with, has been slowly ratcheting up the violence in its toys over the years, according to a scientific, peer-reviewed study. You see, back in the day, they used to have pirates and medieval guys who carried non-violent things like swords, spears and bows. They even had spaceships with laser guns on them that could peacefully blow the bad guys to smithereens. Now it seems the bricks contain an inherent violence in them.

The worst offending line, to no one’s surprise, is Lego for Girls.

| Filed under The McBournie Minute

The McBournie Minute: No one told me what I’m supposed to do — expectant dad lessons

When my wife told me she thought she was pregnant, I told her it was probably just the Mexican food. I don’t believe she’ll ever let me live that down, so I may as well put it out there myself.

She’d been telling me about odd sensations for the past day or so, and I kept explaining it away. One time I suggested that the tacos we had the night before were the cause of the weird stuff going on in her body. The next day she took a test without telling me, then walked into the room and said, “Want to hear something crazy? I’m pregnant.”

Then she went out for a run. So I was left with the pregnancy test and some questions. A quick search online showed me that there wasn’t such a thing as a false positive, only a false negative. For days I’d been trying not to get excited over nothing, and now I could let the doubt go. I was going to be a father. I cried, I prayed, and I did my best to get myself together for when my wife got back from her run so I could finally share in her excitement.

They say it’s a journey you take together, but it’s not. It’s a journey that is experienced in two completely different ways by two people. For whatever arcane societal reason, it’s all about the mother from the beginning. She has all the support and all of the knowledge that has been passed down from woman to woman since the dawn of time. Guys don’t have that. We drink beer with other guys and grunt acknowledgingly at each other, because no one wants to make it awkward by mentioning feelings. It’s just how we’ve done it since the Stone Age, and it’s served humanity pretty well, I’d say. But it meant I had to figure most of this out on my own. Continue reading

| Filed under Facepalm, It Must Be Science!

NFL cares more about Tom Brady than concussions

Next up: Goodell to spend entire fortune researching how to weaponize rubber and glue against boo-ers.
Next up: NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to spend entire fortune researching how to weaponize rubber and glue against boo-ers.

According to a newly released congressional report, the National Football League attempted to coerce the National Institute of Health to shape the results of their study on brain injuries. They donated $16 million to fund nearly the entire study and then withdrew their funding when the NIH refused to switch grant recipients or appoint the NFL’s own, non-NIH-affiliated health officials to oversee the study.

So, while $16 million is just too costly for the NFL to study concussions (even with the donated brains of former players who intentionally shot themselves in the chest for the research), it has no problem spending $12.5 million to take Tom Brady to the U.S. f*cking Supreme Court if it needs to over air pressure in footballs.

| Filed under Booze News, War on Animals

A bald eagle can deliver you beer this summer

Companies like Amazon and Google are trying to make deliveries by drone a thing, a brewery wants to deliver you beer with a frigging eagle.

Provided all the permits come through, Phillips Brewing & Malting will have a bald eagle deliver a sixer of its new lager to a few lucky people in June. That if officially the most American thing ever. Which is why it’s nothing short of tragic that all of this is happening in Canada. It turns out that Phillips Brewing is located in Vancouver, and the contest is only for locals.

However, we’re pretty sure that Seattle is flyable for a bald eagle, so Americans might be able to make this work.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Your spouse keeps you sober, science says

Do you drink a lot? Are you worried that your drinking habits are slowly turning into alcoholism? Get married — it will fix everything.

According to a new study, being married can significantly reduce your risk of becoming an alcoholic, like, 53% lower if you’re a dude, and 73% if you’re a woman. Despite what every hack comedian says, your spouse doesn’t drive you to drink, they actually make you want to drink less. But you should still enjoy World Whisky Day tomorrow.

Except if your spouse is cheating. The study found you’re really likely to turn to booze if that’s your situation.

| Filed under Facepalm

Your airport security nightmare — now with clowns

You may have heard that the security lines at airports have shot through the roof recently. You may have also heard that this is the result of a lack of TSA agents to screen passengers in a timely manner. We’re proud to report that the federal government is finally going to fix that problem.

Just kidding, they’re hiring clowns! Airports across the country are hiring clowns and some other entertainers to keep the detainees people in line in a good mood. Because there isn’t a bad situation that can’t be made worse by clowns.

Other airports are offering comfort animals and free candy. Sorry people with allergies.

| Filed under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex, Facepalm

Taco Bell aims to be No. 1 supplier of Mexican-flavored food poisoning again

White seats in a fast food taco joint? You flew too close to the sun, Taco Bell.
White seats in a fast food taco joint? You flew too close to the sun, Taco Bell. Have you seen your Doritos- dusted sharts?

With Chipotle looking more vulnerable than ever, Taco Bell believes that the norovirus could do for fast food what it did for trains and air travel against cruise lines. The most successful restaurant chain to appear in Demolition Man is testing new store formats to convince diners to stay in for dinner, not just try to sound sober enough to use the drive-thru at 2 am.

And why not? Remember when our taco-flavored barf only cost $1 per taco? We can live that beautiful dream again, thanks to the miracle of interior design.