| Filed under Regular Post

Man goes 2-for-2 in assaulting lawyers

Lawyers aren’t the most popular people around, but their jobs aren’t always worth the perks, either. Especially when you’re defending a guy who’s been charged with assaulting his previous lawyer.

In upstate New York, authorities say Aaron W. Jabot, 34, assaulted his lawyer in a courtroom during a case against him, in which he, you guessed it, assaulted the last guy who defended him. Jabot will be facing fresh assault charges soon enough.

We can only assume that the next lawyer wears a helmet.

| Filed under Booze News

Collagen beer will make you look younger, ladies

Ladies, do you enjoy drinking, but hate what it does to your skin? A new beer in Japan might be just the thing for you.

“Precious,” a beer by Suntory wants to restore your youthful glow. A 5% alcohol-by-volume, Precious can help you get a buzz and make you look younger, because it has collagen in it. The naysayers and their degrees say that the beer doesn’t have enough collagen in it to actually make a difference in your complexion, but what do they know?

With this beer, no longer will it be obvious you woke up on the floor, ladies.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Black and blue edition

It just doesn't have the same effect without jets of fire shooting up behind him.
It just doesn’t have the same effect without jets of fire shooting up behind him.

More than 50 years ago, the White House and the press had a cordial relationship. That’s how Kennedy got away with banging anything with breasts that was within 500 feet of him. The White House Correspondents’ Dinner is a holdover from that time. Today, it’s just an annual thing where the lazy reporters who work too closely with administration officials meet up and pass inside jokes to each other, all while hoping to meet B list celebrities in attendance. This thing needs to go. Or I need to get invited next year, because let’s face it, who doesn’t want to meet Wolf Blitzer? If you were busy reuniting with the Blowfish this week, odds are you missed it.

Harm city
This week, for the second week in a row, protesters took to the streets of Baltimore to call attention to the death of a young black man, Freddie Gray, who died while in police custody. Protests turned violent on Monday when cars and buildings were damaged and set on fire. Former Baltimore Ravens star Ray Lewis released a video pleading with the city’s youth to stay home and not riot. Ray Lewis. Ray “Obstruction of Justice” Lewis. Folks, when a guy who kept secrets about a murder is calling for calm, your city is in trouble.

Bison State curious
North Dakota state Rep. Randy Boehning recently voted against a bill that would have provided protections for the state’s LGBT community. That’s why it was so surprising that the Republican lawmaker’s profile in gay hook-up app Grindr was found earlier this week. Randy Boehning, which really is his name, has a history of voting against legal protections of gays, which is why he should have no problem when homophobic voters fire him for being gay.

More like Hateful Eight
Native American actors walked off the set of Adam Sandler’s latest film, which is said to be a spoof of The Magnificent Seven. The actors complained that the script was racially insensitive and the crew didn’t want to make any changes. Hard to believe charges like that against a guy who did a movie with Rob Schneider in yellowface.

| Filed under Pirates

There must be a good reason why you keep a pirate hand in the attic

It’s a sad thing when a loved one passes away, and one of the saddest things to do when this happens is cleaning out the deceased’s things. Especially when you find a surprise.

In Florida, a woman was cleaning out her grandparents’ attic when she came across what could be the hand of a fabled pirate. She found a box containing a picture of her great grandparents, old coins, a map and what appears to be a human hand with a ring on one finger. The woman’s brother, Mike Lopez, believes it could be related to Jose Gaspar, a supposed Spanish pirate who raided west Florida towns in the late 1700s and early 1800s, according to legend.

Some say the contents of the box are too recent to be from Gaspar’s time, and the hand will be examined to confirm its authenticity, and maybe identify its owner.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Bees getting buzzed

Nothing goes better with an afternoon of huffing DDT out in the fields than a cold beer.
Nothing goes better with an afternoon of huffing DDT out in the fields than a cold beer.

Good news in the War on Animals: for the first time ever in history, a “give drugs away for free to get everyone hooked” is not only real, but working. Bees can’t get enough of the very pesticide that might cause Colony Collapse Disorder.

Certain species actually prefer flowers treated with neonicotinoids to plain ass poseys. And that surprised the developers of it because they intentionally made it bitter to avoid such a reaction. Clearly, those researchers don’t drink coffee or smoke cigarettes (the latter of which contains the opposite of neonicotinoids: old, genuine nicotine).

So, thank you, D.A.R.E. officers for teaching us something useful besides how wearing skin-tight anti-drug t-shirts to raves is a great icebreaker.

| Filed under Stripper News, War on Robots

Robots are learning how to love

The inevitable robot uprising isn’t all scary, even though it will have spider bots. It could even be sexy.

At a party in London celebrating the launch of Dutch online hosting company TransIP in the U.K., there were pole dancing robots on hand. As we’ve learned this week, hiring strippers is a great way to get people to show up for your party. The robots motions were limited, and they didn’t look very lifelike, but still they shook it for all to see, and no one tipped.

Perhaps it was their CCTV cameras for heads that kept the guys away.

| Filed under Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: How to be responsibly black in America

Let me be your Muad'Dib, my African American brothers and sisters, and I will teach you the whitening way.
Let me be your Muad’Dib, my African-American brothers and sisters, and I will teach you the whitening way.
For the sake of clarity, I am not a black person. Nor am I a person of any color, except possibly peach or, after a day of earning a beach-initials sticker for my Volvo, lobster red.

But, as a white person (by the way: I am white), this makes me uniquely qualified to advise other races on how to survive the system that my ancestors erected expressly for my personal benefit.

Don’t believe me? White people wrote at least 99 percent of the laws and sentencing codes in this country, and yet we still get probation for the offenses other races serve life sentences for. Same laws; different Pantone.

But, I’m also a generous white person. So, like most of my brethren online, I figured I’d explain to black people how to not be worthy of undue police attention and violence. There are really only two options …

Continue reading

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, The Guys in Moms

Your kids are either really dumb or terrifying

"This doesn't look like a dago's chin, Ma."
“This doesn’t look like a dago’s chin, Ma. I’m not mad, just disappointed. And still hungry.”

America likes to pretend that fat kids are a new problem, even though we’ve always treated them like slovenly second-class second graders. But, now that there aren’t enough attractive kids built like 1980s Billy Zabka to torment them and shut down their rec centers, we’re calling it an epidemic. And that means that medical science is working hard to cure it.

One potential treatment? Drawing smiley faces on healthier foods. Researchers found sales of vegetables increased by 62 percent and fruits by 20 percent when they added smiley faces to their labels. Even milk purchases rose from 7.4% to 48%, although nobody mentioned if the smiley face was added to the missing child announcement on the carton.

So, either kids are as dumb as McDonald’s proved with Happy Meals, or kids just really want to eat faces. Any face. Your face.

| Filed under War on Animals, War on Robots

Intel thinks the world needs spider bots

We here at SG have laid out some of the biggest threats to civilization. So it should be no secret that two of the top candidates are animals and robots. But what if animals and robots teamed up?

Intel has taken the top spot of corporation reaching James Bond movie levels of sinister with the invention of spider robots. CEO Brian Krzanich, who even has a Bond villain name, demonstrated his companies new technology at a show in China. He showed that just by wearing a device on his hand, he can control at least three spider bots that look to be about the size of a cat.

The countdown to when they are sentient is now on.

| Filed under Eat My Sports

Eat My Sports: This is what it’s like when worlds collide

I try to view myself as an even keeled person when it comes to sports and relevant social commentary. Yes, I’m aware enough of world events where I can splice in a few jokes about the world and have it tie in with whatever NFL or MLB topic I’m going over that week.

This week is different. Over the past week, the worlds of sports and social issues came together in some ways we have seen, and some ways we have never seen before, so here goes nothing.

The Bruce gender issue

Like a lot of people, last Friday I watched the Bruce Jenner interview with Diane Sawyer on ABC. Yes, part of it is because my wife watches E! every day, and I was forced to, after she’s seen just about every Kardashian show and subsequent spinoff since its inception, but also out of curiosity on a societal issue that we honestly don’t know that much about and the issue was about to get it’s most famous face.

The Jenner gender change is unique, especially from a generational perspective because there are two types of people that know him. The first, is the older generation that remember him as the greatest athlete alive, the epitome of physical fitness and really at one point was pretty much the man that a lot of men wanted to be. Continue reading