| Filed under Historical Hot or Not

It’s a bad week to be King of England from 1509 to 1547

"It is our decree that they hate us 'cause they ain't us."
“It is our decree that they hate us ’cause they ain’t us.”

Henry VIII, by the Grace of God, King of England, France and Ireland, Defender of the Faith and of the Church of England and also of Ireland in Earth Supreme Head, can add one more line to his full title: Least Favorite Monarch of the Historical Writers Association (HWA).

To make matters worst for the guy who inspired the only Herman’s Hermits song that we know, the HWA isn’t made up of historians who write history books. He suffered his sick posthumous burn from people who write historical novels — basically the Mary Sues of the historical fan-fiction world.

And just to make sure that H8nk’s corpse never leaves the burn unit, the HWA awarded Best Favorite Monarch to his daughter, Elizabeth I. Kind of makes all that serial killing and divorcing for the sake of having a male heir seem awfully pointless.

The only silver lining is that we don’t have to put El Ocho on suicide watch.

| Filed under War on Animals

China uses animals to fight animals

One of the best way to fight our enemies is to use them against themselves. It shouldn’t be surprising that in the War on Animals, China has mastered this art.

The Chinese military plans tomorrow to hold a parade to mark the anniversary of the end of World War II. But they’ve got some pesky 400 species birds that are migrating this time of year that could mess with the planes taking part in the celebration. To fend off this avian assault, the Chinese military is using monkeys and falcons to scare off the birds and take out nests.

It is clear that if our enemies are making war against themselves, they will have no time for war with us.

| Filed under Popewatch!

U.S. Catholics to Church: ‘We are never ever getting back together again’

Culturally Catholic
Culturally Catholic

It looks like lapsed U.S. Catholics will not break unleavened Jesus with the Holy Roman Church any time soon. According to a new poll, 77 percent of people raised Catholic but no longer attending mass or considering themselves Catholic said that they cannot envision returning to the church. This is sort of bad news for Catholicism in America as U.S. membership has dropped from 23.9 percent of the population to 20.8 in only 7 years.

However, there is a new development out of this: a larger group of people who consider themselves “Culturally Catholic.” So, while only 20.8 percent of Americans consider themselves religiously Catholic or “Catholic Catholic,” 45 percent consider themselves Catholic in some way, whether that’s

  • Practicing — Catholic Catholics.
  • Not practicing — only Catholic when it comes to talking to your teenage daughter about birth control.
  • Ex-Catholic — too scarred from being raised Catholic to deny it.

So, Catholicism might be losing butts in pews, but look at what it’s gaining: the chance for its own Woody Allen … that isn’t a priest. If that isn’t the baseline for a truly mature monotheistic belief system, then we don’t know what is.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Proving your worth, one teaspoon at a time

"I tried to fill the cup, but went dry after the sixth go. I'm barely a man at all."
“I tried to fill the cup, but went dry after the sixth go. I’m barely a man at all.”

As if things weren’t bad enough for Britain with Germany showing it up, their sperm banks aren’t helping. In an entire year, Britain’s national sperm bank has only drummed up nine total donors. Nine. As in not 90, 900 or even 9,000. Nine British men with British genetics.

So, to somehow bring out the best in British manhood, the bank is trying a new ad campaign: daring British men to “prove your worth, show [Laura Witjens, the chief executive] how good you are.”

Now, as guys, The Guys understand a few things about guys. We all revere and kind of hope that Arnold Schwarzenegger is our real dad. We all pretend to understand the rules to every sport a lot more than we actually do. And we don’t use our semen to prove our manliness — no matter how literal of a virility test that would be.

What we’re saying is, Ms. Witjens, you’re more likely to get a lot of guys to bench press, skip rocks, or open pickle jars outside of your sperm bank than hand you cups of baby batter.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

You need another excuse for your drunken hook-up

Remember that time you went home with that girl at the bar, only to find the next morning she didn’t look as good as she did when you were drunk? Science says you’re making that up.

According to a recent study in Bristol, England, there may be no such thing as beer goggles after all. Researchers conducted a study of patrons of three pubs in town where they showed people images of faces and asked for their attractiveness rating, then they measured their BAC. The study was kind of like a drunken Hot or Not throwback. They found no clear correlation between the attractiveness ratings a person gave and the amount of booze in their bloodstream.

Some say the study shows that lowered inhibitions and lower standards could make the drunken hook-ups happen.

| Filed under Facepalm, Picture of the Day

When Germany thinks you’re a little racist, damn

Even German right-wing tabloid BILD took a time-out from antisemitism to call David Cameron a slacker on helping non-white people.
Even German right-wing tabloid BILD took a time-out from antisemitism to call British Prime Minister David Cameron a “slacker” for not helping non-white people.

The issue of immigration is a complicated one, fraught with legitimate concerns on both sides. Only one side, however, believes in building walls and using the military to keep barbarian hordes out, though. And, when it comes to the ongoing North African refugee crisis in Europe — Britain, Germany is looking your way.

No matter what your perspective is on letting poor brown people who no longer have a home into your country, you know you’re kind of an assh*le when even German racists call you out for not doing enough for African and Arabic people.

| Filed under Regular Post

San Francisco will host Super Bowel

The NFL season is almost here, and unless you’re a Washington Redskins fan, your team has a chance of going all the way this year. But you may not want them to get to the Super Bowl in San Francisco.

The city is in the midst of a poop wave. According to reports, the cool new thing to do in Frisco is public defecation. There’s human crap everywhere in the city, and that problem will only get worse with the influx of football fans when the Super Bowl rolls around. City officials are trying to figure out how to deal with the crap problem.

The Guys would suggest adding more public toilets. You can’t expect all those foodies to enjoy the local restaurants without anticipating the inevitable consequences.

| Filed under War on Robots

Robots can learn, now we’re all doomed

Look out, Timmy! He's right behind you!
Look out, Timmy! He’s right behind you!

We’ve created robots that can make pancakes. That sounds like something good, right? It’s actually a very bad thing.

The pancakes themselves are a good thing. Since the 1950s, mankind has fantasized about creating robots that can cook and make drinks for us. However, researchers in Germany have programmed a robot how to read instructions from Wikihow. It was using the site’s page explaining how to make pancakes that the robot learned how to do it.

Yes, the robot learned something. Worst of all, the robot can read a site that has explainers about how to do just about anything. The robots will undoubtedly use their new ability to learn how to do everything. They are already learning everything about us, and once they know enough, they will try to wipe us all out.

Nice going, Germany.

| Filed under He's Dead, Jim, War on Animals

Swollen Brains: Knut’s saga ends

Our favorite Knut moment: April 13, 2009 when he turned on his fans.
Our favorite Knut moment: April 13, 2009 when he turned on his fans.

We’ve followed the saga of Knut, the polar bear cub born in captivity in Berlin that Germany — a country prone to unhealthy mass hysteria — fell a little too in love with for years. And now, with his autopsy report, we can officially end this coverage with a final pronouncement. That Knut died the way he lived: by thinking that he was people. Or, at least through a condition that, until now, had only been associated with people.

Knut’s story ends with anti-NMDA receptor encephalitis, which caused his brain to swell, after which he fell into his pool and drowned. Assuming polar bears crap in ice flows, which are mostly water, we can say that he, therefore, died like another 300-pound white superstar on his toilet: Elvis.

Farewell, Knut. In the War on Animals, you were our favorite bear in a cage to rattle.

| Filed under Booze News, Drunk of the Day

Drunk of the Day: Pawel Fajdek

Athletes tend to celebrate pretty hard after wining the championship, and rightly so. But sometimes they overdo it, and that’s where the real fun begins.

The World Athletics Championships, which is apparently a thing, is going on in Beijing right now. It sounds like the Olympics’ smaller, less-expensive brother. In Beijing, Pawel Fajdek of Poland won the gold medal in the hammer throw, and he was excited about it. According to Chinese media reports, Pajdek celebrated his victory at a restaurant and got so drunk that he paid the cab driver with his medal.

When he woke up the next day, he contacted authorities about his missing medal, which was eventually tracked down. Fajdek, of course, denies the whole thing.

We salute you, Fajdek. Today you are not only a champion of the hammer throw, you are a champion of getting hammered.