It’s the War on Christmas season, as all good secular warriors know. Typically, the news of the war is all about the latest imagined assaults on the holiday that we start celebrating the day after Halloween, and how it’s going to ruin civilization as we know it. But now, Christmas is on the attack.
In Northern Ireland, Frosty the Snowman has had enough, and he’s fighting back with a rocket launcher. A man has been charged after painting a snowman holding a rocket launcher and the words “Wishing You An Explosive Christmas” on the window of an Irish Republican support group. It’s apparently against the law there to have a provocative painting.
If the Northern Ireland government scrapes Frosty down it is feared that sectarian violence will begin anew after two decades of peace.
A month ago, we told you about a massive fatberg in London clogging up the sewer system. It weighed some 140 tons and stretched more than 800 feet long. It took nine weeks to clear. If you read that story and thought, “I wish I could pay to see that,” we have good news for you.
A chunk of that mass of hardened fat, diapers and nasty solids British people apparently think are OK to flush, will be on display at the Museum of London sometime next year. Because this is what British culture can bring us now. A museum curator said the fatberg “will be one of the most fascinating and disgusting objects we have ever had on display.” That is a real quote.
So if you’ve been on the fence about traveling to the U.K. Consider your mind made up.
All movements have a messy and disorganized end. Usually, the revolutionaries end up eating themselves. The French Revolution overthrew a king and ended in state murders of anyone who didn’t pass an ideological purity test. Republicans misread the election of Donald Trump and nominated a pedophile for the Senate. The list goes on. Now, the craft beer movement has officially collapsed on itself.
The end has come in Florida, where most things go to die. There, a pair of breweries have teamed up to create a beer brewed with glazed and creme-filled doughnuts from Krispy Kreme. Hidden Springs Ale Works and Arkane Aleworks are bringing Floridians a Russian imperial stout that checks in at 12.5% ABV and will treat your senses to a beer, but “hopefully with some doughnut flavor,” according to one brewer.
The doughnut beer will be hitting the shelves in January. Just in time for all those New Year’s diets.
We all have social media these days, which means we all know that people we haven’t physically talked to in five years like to post stuff attacking a group of people they’re not a part of. Women who hate their husbands love to post memes about how men are pussies when they get a cold. Science says you’re wrong, ladies.
A new study has found that when men complain about cold or flu symptoms, it could be because they actually feel the effects more than women. That’s right, the popular “man flu” meme is crap because men’s immune systems leave them at greater risk for serious systems and even death.
And you know what else makes a cold worse for men? When you won’t just leave us alone.
Australian researchers went to some bars and interviewed patrons in the name of science. They asked the drinkers how drunk they thought they were, then gave them a Breathalyzer test. Most of the test subjects thought they were far more sober than they actually were. And it didn’t matter if it was just an average Joe or someone who sees drunk people all the time, like a cop or a doctor. Everyone underestimated their level of intoxication.
Either that, or the Aussies just can’t old their booze.
As a somewhat liberal-leaning web site, it’s probably time for SeriouslyGuys to come clean: we’re absolutely at war with Christmas. We tried to keep it under wraps, CIA-style, but, that’s now impossible because of our new amazingly strong president and his very productive tweets. So, yes, Virginia, the War on Christmas is real, and The Guys aren’t going to give up the fight until every American on Earth says “Happy Holidays” and eats a Kwanzaa cake or whatever.
That said, The Guys are sending our thoughts and prayers to Christmas prisoner of war who, like POWs in Vietnam, alerted us to their status through clandestine sign language. In one captive’s forced photo with Santa Claus from 12 years ago, a toddler signed the word for “help,” letting us know both that he is alive and also that baby sign language totally works, you guys.
Mr. Spencer, even though it’s been more than a decade, stay strong. Santa may claim he has leverage through surveillance on you and try to convince you that you are naughty, but that’s just how he wins hearts and minds over here. We have it on good authority that you have been and shall remain on the nice list … provided you don’t give away any of our War on Christmas secrets.
If you’re a lapsed Catholic who recently got dragged into Mass, you probably got thrown for a loop when you were the only one in the pew to say, “And also with you,” to your priest. Apparently, someone changed the response to “And with your spirit,” which makes no damn sense except as a gotcha. (John Mulaney knows what’s up … now.)
Instead of “Lead us not into temptation,” Pope Francis believes that “do not let us enter into temptation” is a better translation because apparently god does not present temptations. This is, we will remind everyone, the same god who gave us bacon, beer and motorcycle ramps.
Of course, the real hazard here isn’t just tricking Christmas-and-Easter Catholics. It’s the English language. The Pope speaks Spanish and got the new wording from France — romance countries where pretty much every sentence ends with similar sounds. (This is why Latin Music has its own Grammy’s — too easy to qualify.) So, while we’re certain the new words maintain a similar cadence in romance languages, in English, we just 11 pounds of holiness into an eight pound censer: 11 syllables into an eight syllable line.
But, if you end up tripping up communal prayer, at least take solace in knowing that some sinner is taking forever working through his penance after confession this week.
There really isn’t anything worse than being on a plane. Well, maybe being on a hijacked plane is worse. That’s probably the worst. But right up there is being on a plane that doesn’t have a working bathroom.
A Delta Airlines flight from New York to Seattle last week found itself in just that situation. During the cross-country flight, all of the toilets in the Boeing 757 had filled up and were no longer usable. Pretty soon, passengers were jumping up and down with an urgent need to go. So the plane landed in Billings, Montana for an emergency pit stop.
Once the passengers were able to relieve themselves, the plane continued on its way to Seattle. And drink service was probably canceled for the rest of the flight.
Lyft has not yet disclosed how many robot cars will run per day, and they will only run short routes in the tech startup-heavy Seaport District. So, they’re only risking a few Segway and Hoverboard collisions and maybe, like, two drivers lost to marriage proposals. Which is smart, because we all know what could happen after the Sox lose a game.
Washington, D.C. is a city of national leaders. And according to a new survey, it’s a city of national leaders in alcohol consumption.
The district is drunker than 49 states, a survey has found. Some 65.9% of residents have had a drink in the past month, just behind Wisconsin, with 67.3%. D.C. is also tops for heavy drinkers, with 11.1%, and binge drinkers, with 25.5%. Heavy drinking is defined in the survey as men having two drinks a day, and women one drink a day. Binge drinking is five or more drinks in a sitting for men, and four or more for women.
This makes sense. The citizens of D.C. have to live with all the crazy people the rest of the country sends there. It’s enough to drive anyone to drink.