Ask Dr. Snee: Got any Irish in you?
Posted on March 17, 2010
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Today is St. Patrick’s Day.
And when I think of St. Patrick’s, I think of not pulling out during my annual night of leprechaun-themed sex. (There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for love, unlike certain Meat Loafs.)
Based on your letters, though, most of you think about drinking. Is St. Patrick’s a drinking holiday? I’ve been known tip a keg back for Bastille Day, but imbibing alcohol on a religious day? You people are weird.
Nevertheless, it is my doctorly duty to never turn away a patient until their insurance company says it’s OK. So, let’s get to your questions.
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Purell to become newest crime tool
Posted on March 17, 2010
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A new study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences theorizes that it may be possible to identify individuals using their bacterial trace.
You see, everyone’s covered with bacteria, not just skanky people. Over 100 species worth are all over you right now, spreading to everything you touch. Scientists refuse to call this “the Human Slug Trail,” despite all of our letters. And just like snowflakes, only 13 percent of any person’s contamination field is identical to any other person’s.
So, imagine you’re a writer for CSI or work in the much smaller field of actual crime scene forensics. The Icy-Hot Killer has struck another orphanage, but has left no fingerprints. (And, no, there isn’t any semen.) But say they left their calling card: a single can of Icy-Hot. It may be print-free, but unless they wiped it with Chlorox wipes, there should be a bacteria sample.
(Duh-duh!)
Written by Rick SneeThat’s no moon
Posted on March 17, 2010
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We’ve always assumed our sun was the only star in our solar system, but maybe not. We could be in a binary system, with a brown dwarf hiding in the Oort cloud. And it could be bombing us with comets. Or a green laser beam. Welcome to your tax dollars at work.
The star, referred to as Nemesis, or “The Death Star,” has been theorized for a while. But now NASA’s new satellite, WISE, could be able to prove its existence for the first time. The theory was developed to explain the waves of mass extinctions on Earth, every 26 million years for the past 250 million years.
Our solar system is surrounded by a vast collection of icy bodies called the Oort Cloud. If our Sun were part of a binary system in which two gravitationally-bound stars orbit a common center of mass, this interaction could disturb the Oort Cloud on a periodic basis, sending comets whizzing towards us.
An asteroid impact is famously responsible for the extinction of the dinosaurs 65 million years ago, but large comet impacts may be equally deadly. A comet may have been the cause of the Tunguska event in Russia in 1908. That explosion had about a thousand times the power of the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima, and it flattened an estimated 80 million trees over an 830 square mile area.
So if we’re able to prove that Nemesis does exist, and its irregular orbit around our own sun is causing regular comet attacks, then the next thing will be for our greatest scientific minds to come up with a plan to neutralize it. Our only hope? A race of people that are only vaguely squid-like in name only.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorL for love
Posted on March 17, 2010
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Look, we need to stop being so critical as a society. If a kid is going to grow up and become a societal loser, might as well accept it now. You get it, we get it, North Carolina doesn’t.
First in flight, last in correctly identifying idiots.
Written by Bryan SchoolsArguably the best food-chasing holiday
Posted on March 17, 2010
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Yes, it might be St. Patrick’s Day, but I’m sad, folks. I’m sad because the Gloucester, England Whitsun cheese rolling has been canceled this year due to safety concerns. Can you imagine?
What can be deemed unsafe about chasing a 7-lb. wheel of cheese down a steep hill? It’s a 200-year-old tradition in England, like the running of the bulls, the only difference is that the cheese doesn’t have horns. Apparently, a bunch of dudes running and falling and rolling end over end down a hill is dangerous.
WHERE IS YOUR SOCIALIZED HEALTH CARE NOW?
Written by Bryan McBournieEat My Sports: Free agency come and me wanna Delhomme?
Posted on March 16, 2010
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Every year my letdown from football season is softened by spring training for baseball. Some would call it a rebound chick, but baseball is my number one love, so it’s like having a first wife, getting a divorce, then realizing after about five years you had it right the first time. Full circle friends.
I’ll keep tabs on NFL free agency just so I know what’s happening, but I normally have several reasons to not give a crap: A) The Steelers are never active in free agency, so it’s not like I ever particularly cared that anyone was available, they weren’t coming to Pittsburgh B) 99% of the signings are never worth it, and you know they don’t make sense (see: Albert Haynesworth meets Washington Redskins). And that is where the 2010 free agency period has thrown me through a freaking loop, I’m confused, intrigued, and probably in need of a drink.
Where to start, well, since it’s in the headline, batter up for …
Jake Delhomme to Cleveland Browns/Brady Quinn to Broncos/Kyle Orton’s beard getting a little uncomfortable Read more
Written by Bryan SchoolsKeep your friends list close, your blocked list even closer
Posted on March 16, 2010
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Have you ever wondered what a “social media guru” or “expert” does? As far as we can tell, they follow random people on Twitter and post links to buzzspeak essays by other (presumably) unemployed “SEO managers.”
Or … they could be The Fuzz!
Police, FBI, Secret Service and even the IRS are infiltrating the MySpace, Facebook and–in extreme cases–the Friendster to find the goods on you. To bypass your security settings, they’re setting up undercover identities, asking to become part of your online menagerie of familiar screen names.
Once they’re in, you’ll probably forget all about them, like that guy you met that one time at that place with the shots served in test tubes. (Quickest abortion turnaround time, yet!) And then they watch for any pictures of illegal activity or status changes that conflict with your alibis.
So, next time you get a friend request, ask them, “Are you a cop?” If they say no, then they’re probably lying because they’re undercover, so you should destroy your computer.
Written by Rick Snee#### to pass the time
Posted on March 16, 2010
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No, no, I don’t want a Rolex. Can you please direct me to the fossilized dinosaur crap section please?
Written by Bryan SchoolsShe ain’t heavy, she’s a mother
Posted on March 16, 2010
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It was speculated that the Guinness Book of World Records deliberately got rid of “fattest person” and “fattest pet” type records in order to avoid discouraging deliberately dangerous behavior.
Of course, the world tends to not include New Jersey in it (would you?). As such, Donna Simpson is on the road to fame!
And diabetes. And a heart attack. And infamy. And breathing problems. And a higher health insurance premium. And death.
Simpson, a resident of New Jersey, has decided to become the world’s fattest woman. She’s given no reason for wanting to be the bearer of that title, but, well … we’re just going to assume that it’s a New Jersey thing. Of course, she might be able to deduct her weekly grocery bill, $815, and this quest as a business expense, since she runs a Web site where viewers can watch her eat fast food.
I do believe that this might be the most f#$%ed up story on SeriouslyGuys yet.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorJust don’t ask him to do daytime stump speeches
Posted on March 16, 2010
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With the presidential election only two and a half years away (seriously, news networks?), things are getting tense. We know who the Democrats will be running, but who is going to represent the Republicans? Perhaps Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey.
He’s 45, he lives in Florida, he recently joined the GOP after a stint as an independent, and oh yeah, he claims to be a vampire, just ask his 19-year-old fiancee, an Ohio native he met online. His platform: um, he’s apparently a descendant of Vlad the Impaler, was engaged to a 16-year-old Minnesota girl last month, but they now have a restraining order on him, and he also has a bit of history with the law, including the Secret Service are monitoring him.
Key quote: “I haven’t dated a girl older than 19 since 2006,” said the Tampa man as his 19-year-old daughter and his 2-year-old grandson met him at the Greyhound station. “It’s good to be me.”
(Thanks Dave)
Written by Bryan McBournie keep looking »