| Filed under Booze News, Scurry '16

C-Span asks viewers to text hot takes to D.C. bartender

Monday’s presidential debate had millions of viewers. Everyone wanted to see the prize fight, and TV stations couldn’t wait to get viewers and let them express their feedback. But a Washington, D.C. bartender was confused when her phone started blowing up with hot takes on the debate.

After the debate, C-Span invited viewers to share their opinions about the candidates and the debate via Twitter, Facebook and text message. The problem is, they listed the wrong number to text. The number they told people to text was actually owned by Tripp Diaz, who had no idea what was going on. She has received some 13,000 text messages and has 400 missed calls from C-Span viewers looking to put in their two cents about the debate. That bill ought to be fun.

Also, apparently there are still people who watch C-Span.

| Filed under That Wacky Australia, War on Animals

Man bitten by spider on penis for second time this year

If a deadly spider bites you, that’s bad. If a deadly spider bites you on your manhood, that’s really bad. If a deadly spider bites you on your manhood twice, take a hint.

The redback spider, related to the black widow, is one of the deadliest spiders in Australia. So when a man was bitten by one while using a portable toilet back in April, he counted himself as unlucky. But it happened again. The same man, who understandably doesn’t want to give out his full name, was bitten by another redback spider (or maybe the same one) again while using a portable toilet this week. He seems to be recovering just fine, but one had to wonder just what he’s trying to do to these spiders that make them bite him, and if he’s gotten any superpowers as a result. Maybe it’s a Jimmy Kimmel bit.

Also, an important cultural note: if you’re ever in Australia, never, ever sit down on a toilet, they are covering in spiders, and they flush the wrong way, too.

| Filed under Pirates

Pirates want cruise ships out of Venice

Venice is widely known as one of the most beautiful cities in Europe, perhaps even the world. Rather than have streets, its citizens get around by boat through a series of canals–at least that’s how it looks in the movies, we’ve never actually been. But now, the city is being overrun with pirates.

Venetians are reportedly upset that big cruise ships are allowed to make their way through one of the city’s largest canals. They say the parade of huge ships hurts the beauty of the city’s skyline, and the cruise ships may be hurting the fragile foundations of Venice. That’s why they are dressing up like pirates and shouting at every ship that comes along.

An estimated 1,000 citizens joined to yell anti-cruise ship slogans and play anti-cruise ship music at ships recently. The people on board probably thought it was just a warm welcome.

| Filed under War on Robots

Drones are attacking our B-listers of yesteryear

Technology can be a frightening thing. And one of the newest and most frightening pieces of technology is the drone. These things are legal for pretty much anyone to use. Not counting civilians in the Middle East, the biggest victims of drones right now are celebrities you haven’t heard from in a while.

Remember Mike Rowe? He had a show called Dirty Jobs on the Discovery Channel. Now he does think pieces about the economy or something. On Facebook, Rowe said he was the victim of a sneaky drone. He awoke one day to the sound of loud buzzing outside of his bedroom window, and quickly saw that a drone was peeking in. Rowe said he quickly grabbed his phone and the shotgun he keeps under his bed, and ran outside. Oh yeah, and he said he sleeps naked. He decided against shooting the flying robot for the sake of his neighbors, but took a picture of it before it flew away.

We almost had a story about Mike Rowe going naked drone hunting.

And speaking of names from another time, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony is still around somehow. During a recent show in California, Flesh-N-Bone was hit in the face by a drone. But this band which you haven’t heard from in 20 years, doesn’t know when to call it quits. That’s why they continued the song and finished out the rest of the show.

When the robot uprising begins, break out those Bone Thugs tapes, it will drive them nuts.

| Filed under The McBournie Minute

The McBournie Minute: We don’t actually care about the National Anthem

Another week of the NFL is coming to a close, which means we have another round of reports and hot takes on the National Anthem, and who did and didn’t kneel in protest. On one side are supporters, who argue that 49ers backup quarterback Colin Kaepernick is right to use his stage to speak out against the injustice of police officers shooting unarmed black people, on the other are the people who say to not stand for the National Anthem is an insult against the troops/all cops everywhere/America/insert broad apolitical group used for political gain here.

Kaepernick’s protests have inspired others to join him, even in other sports. They have also brought down a lot of heat from talking heads on TV and police unions alike. Which lead to the Seattle Seahawks doing a “protest” so careful not to offend either side it had no purpose. The issue is far from resolved, and it seems like every week another controversial shooting makes headlines.

But whatever happens, Kaepernick has exposed one thing about America: no one really cares about the National Anthem. Continue reading

| Filed under War on Animals

Old woman held hostage by seagulls

Summer may be over, but the terror caused by seagulls in England isn’t. In fact, it’s just getting worse.

According to a report from the bobbies, an 80-year-old woman was attacked and held hostage three days by two seagulls. The woman said she went outside to hang up her laundry, when two gulls swooped in, one holding her leg, and the other pecking it. She was able to escape her attackers and make it back inside her house, but the birds were out there waiting for her. It was only after the seagulls had relaxed just enough after three days that she was able to make a run for it and report to authorities.

British authorities refuse to comment on whether the birds that assaulted the old woman were met with swift justice.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Dick joke edition

This guy has had more leaked photos than the Fappening.
This guy has had more leaked photos than the Fappening.

Oh look, the New England Patriots are 3-0! I know you guys probably hate the Pats, but I get to gloat. You can either sit through it or scroll down. The NFL, led by the crybaby Colts, wanted to hurt the smug Patriots for a BS rule violation other quarterbacks say they break routinely, by suspending Tom Brady, the greatest of our time. Everyone thought that was going to handicap the season. And wouldn’t you know, they’re 75% of the way through the suspension and undefeated. They just blanked Houston and J.J. Watt, who found time between shooting commercials with Peyton Manning and Papa John to play some defense. This is fun. Are you guys having fun? I am. If you were busy posting that stupid “describe yourself in three characters” on Facebook this week, odds are you missed it.

Carlos Danger is bad at secrets
This week, Anthony Weiner, the one-man answer to the question “Is sex addiction really a thing?” got caught again. According to reports, this time he was sexting a 15-year-old girl. Just weeks after getting caught–again–and his wife filing for divorce, a high school girl said she has been carrying on a months-long sexting relationship with Weiner, 51. But I think everyone deserves a 16th chance, don’t you?

Let’s hop on the sponsored content train
A new study finds that smoking can damage your DNA for 30 years, and sometimes permanently. But really, if you’re smoking that much, aren’t those the same thing? That same news, sponsored by Phillip Morris: A new study finds that smoking is so cool, it injects coolness into your DNA–sometimes permanently. So light one up today, you’ll be cool inside and out.

Smith family broken
Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt this week. There, now you can tune out your girlfriend when she starts talking about it this weekend.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Hair of the dog now on the endangered species list

Drink up, because in less than 35 years, we might not need the hair of the dog anymore.
Drink up, because in less than 35 years, we might not need the hair of the dog anymore.

If a drunk falls in the woods — and remembers it — was he really drunk?

That’s the question science has just introduced into drunken debates, which are like pot debates except everyone is shouting, even if they all agree. And it’s all because some chemist wants to make alcosynth a thing by 2050.

Alcosynth is a chemical that recreates the positive effects of alcohol (i.e., feeling less inhibited, claiming to know everything about a movie you’ve never seen) without the negative effects, like a hangover or being “too” drunk. In execution, your bartender would use either the clear or bitter version in mixed drinks instead of, for example, vodka or whiskey. It allegedly would tap out at the drunkenness you feel after four or five drinks, so you would never black out.

But, is that all alcohol is? Just something that makes a lemonade hard, a V8 bloody, an orange juice a mimosa? Or is it something that introduces an element of danger as just part of a complex flavor experience?

"Help me up. We have to poperate ... popoperate ... cut your skull open immediately."
“Help me up. We have to poperate … popoperate … cut your skull open immediately.”

All we know is that Star Trek: The Next Generation had (will have?) a version of this. And, while they were probably the safest crew to fly with, it wasn’t nearly as fun as a having a xenological parasite being removed by a half-plastered Original Series Dr. McCoy.

Chances are that this is the half-baked idea of a “Legalize it!” crank, so we’ll only have to consider the ramifications of alcosynth in theory. But, in the meantime, The Guys are¬†going to make a designated driver’s life awful for the next six hours.

Special thanks to Julie S. for the link!

| Filed under War on Animals

USC hires dog as professor

Our foes are infiltrating our higher learning institutions. Colleges have always been seen as harboring radicals that want to bring down society as we know it, and it seems the animals have finally caught on.

The traitors at the University of Southern California have hired a dog as a professor. Professor Beauregard Tirebiter is the first dog in the U.S. to be hired full-time, which makes us wonder how many part-timers or substitutes there are out there. The university claims the dog will help calm down students who need it, but we all know Professor Beauregard Tirebiter is going to start filling students’ heads with pro-animal nonsense.

One would think the Trojans would be better able to spot a Trojan horse these days.

| Filed under War on Animals

Intercontinental war: Brazilian spiders invade U.K. home

Your home is your castle, especially if you have delusions of grandeur. It’s supposed to be a safe place. We take precautions to keep ourselves safe, but can we ever make ourselves truly safe? One couple in the U.K. found out that there is no defense from spiders.

According to reports, a British family of four found themselves under siege when an egg sac in a banana brought home from the grocery store spewed hundreds of baby Brazilian wandering spiders into their kitchen. A Brazilian wandering spider’s bite can kill you in a couple hours, or give you an erection lasting for four hours. Not wanting to roll the dice, the family fled.

They now plan to have the home fumigated, but the safest course of action here would be to simply burn the house down.