| Posted in MasterChugs Theater

MasterChugs Theater: ‘How To Be a Man’

How to Be a Man is a comedy about a washed-up comedian named Mark McCarthy who has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Since he most likely will not be around to raise his unborn son, he decides to create a film for him to learn important life lessons and to know what his father was like.

It’s not quite as inspiring as the filmmakers would have you believe. Unfortunately, the bar’s already pretty low as it is. Continue reading

| Posted in Regular Post

Right level of concern directed at wrong target

The F-word. The F-bomb. No matter what you call it, the word that starts with an F and rhymes with luck is a bit of a fire starter. Horses neigh and women cover the ears of children when it’s spoken in public. So of course, a great level of worry was was brought about when a restaurant used the word on their marquee.

Here’s the thing: all of the people, screaming to the world about the vileness of the word’s public exposure, are wrong.

Be concerned not because it’s out and exposed to the world, but because it’s not correctly being used in the past tense. Proper grammar and spelling, people.

| Posted in Facepalm

The joke is that the Internet is the opposite of serious business

"I know what you're thinking, but, no. The Internet is not for us."
“I know what you’re thinking, but, no. The Internet is not for us.”

Hello, and welcome to the Internet! If you are …

  • … a person, please proceed to Pornography.
  • … a corporation or governmental entity, please stick to your own Web site.

No, really, nationally-vested entity that relies on a positive image to maintain its authority, you do not want to do anything else. Especially use social media. Historically, it has never gone well.

Alright, then, NYPD. Let’s see if you can do better.

Nope.

| Posted in War on Animals

Animals: Clogging up the judicial system

As the weather warms up, the animals are stepping up their offensive on the human race. Their current strategy is taking up our time and resource in our very own legal systems.

In Oregon, there’s a lawsuit involving a duck attack. Back in 2012, woman was visiting her mother, when the neighbor’s pet duck (it’s Oregon, of course) she tried to run away from the berserk bird, and in doing so tripped and broke her wrist. The victim of this vicious attack is suing not the duck, but the owner, for $275,000 in damages. No doubt she is under the duck’s spell.

In France, a dog was called as a witness in a murder case. In a story we swear we aren’t making up, the dog took the stand because prosecutors hoped it would be able to identify its owner’s killer. The judge even ordered the accused to threaten the dog with a bat to get a reaction out of the Labrador. Incredibly enough, it didn’t work. Which means the dog wasted everyone’s time, likely on purpose.

| Posted in Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: How to diet

Step 4 (implied): Descend into madness with your salad while your friends eat at Sizzler.
Step 4 (implied): Descend into madness with your salad while your friends eat at Sizzler.

Dieting is not an uncommon topic for this column, mostly because (a) there’s so much bad information masquerading as well-meaning science, and (b) I’m a vain little queen who’s obsessed with my own body image.

So, I figured I’d share the entire process of dieting with you so that we can all eat a little better and look better, too.

Step 1: Eat less sh*t.

Step 2: Replace sh*t with non-sh*t.

Step 3: Shut up.

Seems simple, right? Here’s how it really works …  Continue reading

| Posted in Regular Post

Family doesn’t believe in death by ass

The former mayor of Hollywood Park, Bill Bohlke, was found dead last year. Despite the death being ruled as accidental, his family is having none of it. We assume this is because the investigators decided that he was attacked by a mule, giving him an ignominious death by an ignominious animal.

As such, the family petitioned to have his body exhumed and have another investigation be undertaken.Their claim is that they want justice.

SeriouslyGuys means no disrespect to the Bohlke family, but here’s what our Seriously Investigators suspect is what they’ll find: Bill Bohlke will have become a Dracula, thus turning the city of Hollywood Park into a ghost town full of the bloodsucking undead. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Hey, baby … no, wait. Come back.

Oh, yeah? If guys can't make sexy talk, then how did the Village People write an entire song about it?
Oh, yeah? If guys can’t make sexy talk, then how did the Village People write an entire song about it?

The Guys like to think of ourselves as debonair masters of seduction. Which is why we’re kind of surprised that our sexy voices don’t work. That’s according to some alleged research by psychologists at Albright College.

In the experiment, 20 men and 20 women tried their sexy voices — you know: deeper, smokier, less-Jerry Lewis-y (but not by that much) — on an audience of 40 people. And, according to those 40 people, men just couldn’t summon sexy if sexy were a rabid dingo and they were wearing a suit made of babies. “In fact,” said study author Susan Hughes, “although not significantly, it got a bit worse when men tried to sound sexy.”

But, we’re not feeling daunted. Perhaps it works for The Guys because we’re too sexy looking, so using ineffectual sexy talk makes us more accessible, sort of like Anne Hathaway’s … everything.

| Posted in Regular Post

Criticize your wife’s driving and she may run you over

It seems that behaving badly on Easter isn’t just a thing in Boston, they do it in Tennessee, too.

After a church service celebrating what is one of the holiest of Christian holidays (right up there with Christmas in July), a man made some derisive comments about his wife’s driving abilities. So she decided to prove her skills — by trying to run him over in the church parking lot.

Sure, she may have gotten arrested, but she proved her point.

| Posted in Eat My Sports

Eat My Sports: Playooooooooooooooooooooffs

This past weekend marked the beginning of the most unnecessarily long event in sports, the NBA playoffs. The start used to be tagged with a “40 Games In 40 Nights” promo that TNT and TBS used to run, but we’re figuring that either religious groups came after them or Jesus has a really old trademark.

Anywho, so, yes, the NBA playoffs begin in mid-April, and guess when they end? The end of June. It just goes on and on and on. The re-formatted first round actually added an additional two games to the first round a few years ago, so even when this thing was running long, the NBA decided to squeeze more cash out of arguably the third most popular sport in the USA by adding another two games to the postseason. Continue reading

| Posted in Headline of the Day, Scurry (Politics)

#freedom

The initiative, already active across Twitter, Facebook and YouTube, would look to branch out to other social media where jihadists were active. “What about Ask.fm? What about Instagram? What about Pinterest?”

You’d think that jihadists, if they’re really attempting to hide information from U.S. analysts, would take their online conversations to Friendster.