It seems like every day we hear about another major hacking, leading to exposed private information, draining of bank accounts, even the election of Donald Trump. It seems as if there’s nothing secure anymore. Turns out, the ultimate security device is in your liquor cabinet.
There is talk that the next big thing in security will be your own brainwaves. Devices will be able to read your unique brainwaves and know that it’s you. Say you have a brainwave lock on your house. The obvious flaw here is that all someone has to do is force you to be near your place in order to unlock it. The only way to keep that from happening is to alter your brainwaves, namely, by getting drunk. Researchers have found that substances like alcohol, as well as drugs, but mostly alcohol, alter your brain waves to such a degree that you would not be able to unlock your devices.
Rick Perry begins the confirmation process Thursday for a position that, had he won the presidency in 2012, would not exist today: leading the Department of Energy. In 2011, he felt that the DOE had only one function — giving oil barons migraines — but, he’s changed his tune now that he discovered one more function: giving him a job.
‘My past statements made over five years ago about abolishing the Department of Energy do not reflect my current thinking,’ Perry said in prepared remarks planned for delivery at his confirmation hearing. ‘In fact, after being briefed on so many of the vital functions of the Department of Energy, I regret recommending its elimination.’
In Perry’s defense, he never actually said that he would get rid of the only serious job offer he’s received since putting on nerd specs for his LinkedIn profile picture. He said he would eliminate “Commerce, Education and the um …”
See? The DOE lives thanks to the leadership presented by then failed presidential candidate Perry. So, when you think about it, who better to usher it into its post-relevancy era?
Our allies in France are in peril, but no one in the U.S. seems to want to do anything about it. In the suburbs of Paris, citizens are reporting the howling of wolves, and they are getting quite nervous.
After being nearly defeated around 1930, the wolves in France have made a comeback. They apparently made it around the Maginot Line and the grey-colored forces are moving on the French capital, making their way through the streets of outlying towns. The response from the French government is, amazingly, not immediate surrender, but it’s close. They are telling people not to worry about the encroaching wolves because “they only eat four-legged animals.” That’s effectively telling people not to be afraid of things that are there to eat them.
Paris hasn’t seen this sort of danger from wolves in 20 years. It’s time we stand with our allies in La Guerre Contre les Animaux before the whole country falls.
Part of The Guys’ preparation for President-elect Trump’s inauguration this week is to cancel our newspaper subscriptions. Why pay for a service that the next president won’t talk to when we can read his deepest, most planned out thoughts for free on Twitter? It’s the very least that we, his soon-to-be constituents can do since he doesn’t even like tweeting, you guys.
According to his own words (if they can be trusted) during a Fox News interview with Ainsley Earhardt on Wednesday, Trump has to call out Alec Baldwin, SNL, his replacement on The Apprentice, our free press and our Intelligence Community on Twitter, starting at sometimes the crack of dawn through late at night, because he has no choice! This is a service he provides for you, citizen — so start appreciating it with likes, retweets and #followbacks!
Oh, and also because nobody will quote him without distorting it with cheap media tricks like adding context or republishing his words verbatim:
‘Look, I don’t like tweeting. I have other things I could be doing,’ Trump told Earhardt. ‘But I get very dishonest media, very dishonest press, and it’s my only way that I can get out and correct.’
… he said to Fox News. Looks like even a corrupt clock with tiny hands can be right at least once a day.
Of all the disappointing truths that ruin childhood, probably the worst — and yet most relieving — is that vampire bats don’t drink human blood. Well, now they do! [You can’t see us, but The Guys just fist-bumped through the heebie-jeebies.]
Biologists with one of the Top 100 Worst Jobs in the World discovered human blood during routine examinations of vampire bat feces instead of the usual bird blood. Seriously, though: you have look in the toilet after eating beets? Now imagine that with real blood, on the ground, in the Brazilian rainforest and with bats overhead. And, here’s the surprising part to us, it’s because they’re running out of birds to eat. In the rain forest. We don’t know if you remember The Rainforest Cafe in your ’90s mall of choice, but there was no avoiding birds. That’s a ridiculous bird shortage.
But, there’s a crazier story buried below why bats suddenly became the Ace of Spades in our War on Animals card deck:
Vampire bats, which live only in the Americas, feed by puncturing the skin of their prey with sharp incisors and lapping up the flowing blood, mixing it with saliva that prevents their gory meal from coagulating too quickly. Previous studies have shown that these bats don’t store fat in their bodies and can’t survive without food for more than a couple of days.
You guys! Now we know why vampires are always ripped!
Animals, like teenagers, love to tie up the resources of our first responders with fake emergencies. This time it was two randy owls that got the best of the men and women who keep us all safe.
In England, a citizen heard what he or she thought were sounds of a couple in distress along a shoreline. The citizen reported hearing shouts from two people to the authorities, and the Coast Guard was sent out. The good news is that there were no people actually in trouble. The bad news is that it turned out to be mating owls that made the sounds. YA RLY.
This begs the question: Do owls have better sex than us?
I accidentally sat next to a bag of drugs on the train home yesterday. For a couple stops, I was sitting in a row with someone next to me, then I noticed a woman get up and get off the train, leaving her row empty. I moved over and noticed a shopping bag with some containers and a couple pill bottles. Oh no, someone left their medication on the train! I picked up a bottle to find the owner’s name and contact information, except there was no label — same thing with the other bottle. They contained pills and powder. What if I just stumbled into a drug deal dead drop? I thought about taking the bag and selling the drugs, but as a suburban 30-something parent, I don’t exactly have the connections to move product like that. So I left it there. Someone’s big weekend plans are definitely ruined. If you were busy giving your buddy the Presidential Medal of Freedom this week, odds are you missed it.
Going for gold
This week, CNN and BuzzFeed reported that President Barack Obama and President-elect Donald Trump had been briefed on a series of unverified memos from a former British spy claiming that the Russians were trying to get dirt on Trump to use as leverage against him. One of the leaked documents said Russian spies had recorded Trump getting a golden shower from some prostitutes while in Moscow. Of course Trump likes golden showers. Have you seen his mansions? Golden everything!
Bots tweet about droids
Computer scientists stumbled across a large botnet of Star Wars-related Twitter accounts, it was reported this week. The researchers were taking a sample of Twitter accounts, when they realized they’d come across over 350,000 automated accounts all tweeting random quotes from Star Wars novels. The bots were created a few years ago, and stopped tweeting months after that. They were probably upset that they were no longer canon.
Gone to that big theme park in the sky
SeaWorld held its final killer whale show on Sunday, marking the end of an era. The final show came just couple days after Tillikum, the killer whale in Blackfish, had died. SeaWorld’s really serious about retiring these whales, aren’t they?
The Guys are big fans of coffee and whiskey. And if you read this blog, there’s a decent chance you like them, too. You may even like putting whiskey in your coffee. Now you can enjoy the taste of both without having to mix them yourself.
Jack Daniel’s flavored coffee is now a real thing. The famous distiller teamed up with World of Coffee, which we assume does coffee stuff, to bring us Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey Coffee. There’s no alcohol in it. It’s all of the fun of drinking coffee with some hootch in it, without the shame of drinking it at work. This seems like the perfect gift for the alcoholic in your life who’s trying to cut back.
There’s even a decaffeinated version, in case you don’t want to have any fun in life, you just want to your tastebuds to think that you’re cool.
Pets, much like children, gain our affection only to use our emotional attachment against us and bend us to their will. It’s no secret. But from time to time we need a reminder to stay vigilant with our pets, even the slowest of them.
In San Antonio, a tortoise nearly burned down his owner’s house and the neighbor’s house when he knocked over a heat lamp. According to reports, the heat lamp was knocked on to a mattress, which then caught fire. The fire was so bad that it spread to the next house over. The neighbor’s house actually got the worst of the damage, estimated to be $150,000 worth. Of course, the tortoise escaped the fire unharmed, and gullible authorities have not charged him with arson.
Everyone loves puppies. But, adult dogs? That takes a special kind of love, one that can overlook them not being a wiggly, uncoordinated ball of fresh-smelling floof anymore. Well, you may put up with your adult dog, but, brother, the feeling is mutual.
A recent study revealed that, while humans baby-talk both puppies and dogs, only puppies eat that sh*t up. Adult dogs had no interest in condescended to, especially by a recording of someone’s rando furless-mom.
So, in the interest of keeping your relationship with your canine healthy, we recommend talking to them as a peer. Try brushing up on tree smells and the hottest legs. And, if all else fails, ask your dog about their day, not just “who’s a good boy?” You might be surprised what you could learn about your good man or woman.