Nuclear plant wants you to vote in intern bikini contest

It’s the summer time, which means interns are flocking to businesses around the world. It also means that adults who should know better are being really creepy.

In the Czech Republic, the folks at the Temelin nuclear power plant wanted to democratize the intern selection process by having Facebook vote on which high school graduate looked better in a bikini. CEZ, the company that runs the plant, posted 10 pictures of potential female interns posing at one of the facility’s cooling towers. The winner will be named Bouncer of Energy, which probably loses something in the translation, but still maintains a degree of creepiness.

Naturally, the idea of choosing an intern based on their physical appearance was roundly criticized. In more woke nations like the US, we just make them work all summer for no pay.

Alien found riding shotgun during traffic stop

When a police officer pulls someone over, there’s no telling what is going to happen next. The more experienced officers out there will tell you they have seen everything. One officer was proven wrong.

In Georgia, a man was pulled over for speeding, and when he approached the car, he could tell something was very wrong. Riding shotgun was a strange being with a large head, pale skin, huge black eyes and long skinny limbs — an extraterrestrial. The alien, which media accounts claim was a mannequin, sat still, staring straight ahead, and did not answer any questions. Authorities have refused to release any information about where the alien was being taken and why the driver was in such a hurry.

Of course, the driver and the alien were let go because they were both white.

Norway vows phallic rock formation will rise again

An unsolicited Trollpikken pic.

These are sad and embarrassing days in Norway. Perhaps the country was just under a lot of pressure. Maybe it had had too much to drink. Norway’s penis-shaped rock formation has fallen down.

The Trollpikken (which sounds exactly like what Norwegians would name a stone penis) rock formation has been a popular tourist attraction for ages. But vandals drilled holes in the rock, causing it to fall and break. Norwegians have donated at least $10,600 to fix the formation so that Trollpikken rises once more.

Norway swears this has never happened before and it will be totally ready to go in a little bit.

NASA uses many materials, but not Goop

“Alright, Commander Shephard. This masking tape should realign your sex chakras, which I don’t have to tell you will calm your internal seminal fluid dynamics and help you read better in low light.”

Remember those Memory Foam mattress ads (maybe they’re still on late night television) and how they’d claim they were developed for and approved by “the space agency,” complete with a weird almost, but not quite NASA-y logo? That was because, even though Memory Foam was developed for a NASA mission, you can’t use the NASA name or logo to sell things.

Well, as Gwyneth Paltrow and Body Vibe learned recently, that’s also the case for bullsh*t that NASA did not approve.

NASA issued a statement Friday that they don’t use carbon fiber materials in space suits to monitor — much less heal — astronauts’ vital signs. This was to counter claims made by Body Vibe on Ms. Paltrow’s blog lifestyle site, Goop, that their $5 to $6 body stickers can restore “our internal balance” to an “an ideal energetic frequency.” Well, we don’t have to tell you that this “calming effect” is essential for maintaining energy reserves, strengthening immune systems and alleviating “physical tension and anxiety” — that’s just Science. (And we f*ckin’ love Science.)

So, for now Goop is NASA-free until they verify Body Vibe’s claim. Which should happen any day now, we’re sure …

Bar robbed at gunpoint, patrons don’t care

What’s great about a bar is that you can go out and have a good time drinking with your friends. What’s bad about a bar is that other people exist. Studies have shown that not talking to strangers in a bar decreases your odds of getting in a fight. Unfortunately, it also means you miss when something cool happens.

In Florida, two robbers, one armed with a shotgun, the other carrying a rifle, took money from a bar and walked out, all while patrons in the bar kept drinking. The robbery happened at about 1:30 a.m. last Sunday, which may help explain why so many people didn’t see it happen or just didn’t care. The bar owner said people kept ordering drinks during the robbery.

We’ve had nights like those.

Walk like an Egyptian amputee

“Wiggle your big t — oh.”

So, this is pretty cool. Archaeologists found a 3,000-year-old fancy prosthetic big toe in the Sheikh ´Abd el-Qurna tomb in Egypt back in 1997. After studying it, they found that it is remarkably advanced, being able to hold up body weight, flex and help the person it was fitted to walk relatively normally.

It also let the ancient one-percenter daughter of a priest continue wearing flip-flops, demonstrating the world’s oldest recorded case of #firstworldproblems. (Technically, this would be a #newkingdomproblem, amiright?)

So, good news if you need to fake your own ransom for money, time-travelling Bunny Lebowski.

Let’s check in on the coming apocalypse

Dr. Stephen Hawking, famous physicist and total bummer at a party, is continuing to say that mankind is doomed. In fact, we’ve only got a century left, so we should probably get going on the colonizing of somewhere else.

We’ve got robots to worry about, climate change, nuclear war, even genetically engineered diseases coming our way. And because of that, the world needs to work together to colonize the moon in 2020 and Mars in 2025. Beyond that, mankind will need to further colonize space if it is to survive, as Earth’s resources are dwindling, Dr. Chuckles said.

But there is good news: we may not have to wait that long for life on Earth as we know it to come to an end. As you know, there is a supervolcano that sits beneath Yellowstone National Park. Well, there have been a series of earthquakes at the supervolcano. If it erupts, it would kill a lot in the immediate area, but it would also send enough ash into the atmosphere to block out the sun for much of the planet, which would surely kill crops and lead to a worldwide famine. The U.S. Geological Survey says these quakes don’t indicate an eruption, but of course they would say that.

Take it from Snee: We got stormtroopers all wrong

NED Talks: because I use my mustache tell you what to think by writing mostly gibberish.

The Internet is awash in “thinkpieces” — posts (sometimes columns, but often blogs that don’t want to be called blogs) that dig deep into some pressing issue that’s on everyone’s mind. Like who’s responsible for the water in Flint. Or how privilege keeps us in the dark when it comes to how life is for people of other backgrounds.

But, most of these are about movies and television, and yet written with the same level of thought and seriousness as what the 2016 election really means for Coal Country.

Regardless of topic, they all follow the model of TED Talks — the famous series of presentations by people passionately speaking on everyday topics to change the way we think about them. Which is great if we’re thinking the wrong way about climate change, but ridiculous if we’re thinking the wrong way about critics’ relationship with the DC Cinematic Universe.

So, in that spirit, I present my very first NED Talk — in which I elucidate on a topic of great importance only in my head and some studio executive counting Yuan in Hollywood.


“Man, this is so much easier in narrower corridors!”

You guys, we all think stormtroopers are terrible shots. But … what if we’re thinking about stormtroopers all wrong?  Continue reading Take it from Snee: We got stormtroopers all wrong

Batman takes down guy stealing DVDs from Wal-Mart

Your average Wal-Mart is a pretty crazy place. And it’s not just the constant animal attacks. So naturally, that’s where you’d find Batman.

In Fort Worth, Texas, a man picked the wrong store to steal DVDs from. He was trying to get away with a bunch of movies, including The Lego Batman Movie, when the Caped Crusader himself swooped in and arrested him. Damon Cole is an officer with the Fort Worth police, and he dressed up like Batman and other superheroes visiting area children battling illnesses. (Apparently Fort Worth keeps its sick kids inside a Wal-Mart?)

The suspect was only charged with a citation because the total value was less than $100 and was released uninjured after a selfie with the Dark Knight. That’s how you know he’s not the real Batman.

Zima is back in case you want to punish yourself

Learn from our mistakes, kids.

Despite the fact that it is an awful thing, food nostalgia refuses to go away. Last year we saw Ecto Cooler and Crystal Pepsi returned to stores. This year, 1990s-era malt beverage Zima will be sold again for some reason.

Yes, Zima, the grandfather of Smirnoff Ice, has been brought back by MillerCoors. Luckily, it’s only for a limited time. Zima first came on the market in 1993. It was marketed as a citrusy clear malt beverage answering to the wine cooler craze of its era. According to MillerCoors, production of Zima stopped in 2008, although no one had seen it in the wild for nearly a decade by then.

This sugary, throwback alcoholic drink is sure to be a summer hit with high schoolers who have fake IDs.