Hey guys, how’s it going? Hopefully your house is still standing, and wasn’t flooded, blown to smithereens, or burned. We’re really checking all the boxes for natural disasters this month. This weekly feature has been missing largely because I’ve had family stuff to attend to. But here we all are. Let’s get reacquainted. If you were busy ending your marriage with Fergie this week, odds are you missed it.
Is this not a test?
TV viewers in California were shocked when emergency alerts flashed on their screens with incoherent messages. One message was a panicked voice talking about the government working with extraterrestrials, and the other proclaimed that violent times were ahead. It turned out that both were recordings of crazy people calling in to radio shows years earlier. Man, I hate sweeps week gimmicks.
From Russia with likes
This week, it was uncovered that Russian-funded ads on Facebook spreading pro-Trump propaganda and even organized Trump rallies while appearing to be grassroots movements. President Donald Trump responded in his typical, even-keeled way, saying that the Facebook ad controversy was fake news. So the news about the fake news on the site plagued continually by fake news is fake news. Get it straight.
The gateway spice
Experts say that pumpkin spice can really be addictive. They say while the flavors can trigger feelings of holidays and family, if you consume them enough, your body will soon crave it. Researchers warn the demographic most at risk to get hooked on pumpkin spice are “basic bitches.”
One of the more interesting aspects about the scientific process is that it cannot be based on commonly held or assumed wisdom. This leads to criticism of experiments and, by extension, the entire field of science when researchers test something we all assume we know. For example: calling fruit fly research a waste of government funding because we all know what fruit flies are, dontchaknow?
Which is why it seems strange to research sleep. You know, that thing we all hate when we’re young and elusively seek as we age. But, what’s sleep for, other than to chase bunnies or be Vikings?
In what could easily be the plot of an already-cancelled Real Genius TV series (you’re welcome, Netflix), three Caltech students snuck into the jellyfish lab after hours to settle a bet: whether jellyfish sleep. They observed sleep-like behavior in the jellyfish:
1. They didn’t move much at a set time of night.
2. They were slow to react to stimulus in this state.
3. After being kept up all night by squirt torture (welcome to SeriouslyGuys, disappointed porn Googlers), they were clearly out of sorts and needed a deeper sleep the next night.
So, it turns out you don’t need a brain to need sleep. Which means that, while we still don’t know why we sleep, this does explain why certain relatives will be passed out on your couch this Thanksgiving.
You can’t consider yourself an experienced drinker unless you know someone who has gotten naked in public, according to a new survey.
Some 39% of Americans said they have disrobed in public while drunk. That’s a little over one in three people. If that sounds high to you, just know that it is completely accurate for The Guys. (We’ll let you fantasize about which one it is.) The survey asked if people had ever gotten publicly naked, not if they often do, so one time counts. And those who said they had stripped said they had been drinking beer when it happened, so your whitty T-shirt sayings about tequila are false.
Also, only 9% had been arrested while drunk (The Guys are higher), 6% had set fires (way higher) and 3% had gotten a tattoo (accurate).
You may not think you’re pregnant, but Amazon knows better. So don’t be surprised when you start getting gifts.
Earlier this week, people reported getting emails from Amazon letting them know that someone had bought something on their baby registry. The only problem was that they didn’t have a baby on the way, nor did they have a registry. The company claims it was a glitch, and that it doesn’t actually know anything that the women themselves don’t.
Glitch or no glitch, it might be a good idea to buy some pregnancy tests on Amazon. You never know what Alexa has been telling that site.
Every neighborhood has That Runner. You know, the one that does push-ups when waiting for cross lights … or spends more lung capacity hocking loogies on everything than breathing … or never wears a shirt (sorry, not sorry for that last one). But, at least we’re not pooping on your lawn.
So, this isn’t just an isolated case of Runners’ Trots every now and then. This is full-on pigeon behavior — which we all know is intentional because you never see bird turds on statues of other birds.
The Colorado Springs Police Department urges that, while this is comical, it’s important that we, the Internet, keep it together and not lose our sh-t. There are mental health issues to consider; we should consider this runner at least as dangerous as a bear pooping in … well, not the woods (a situation that the CSPD has handled in the past!).
Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day, ye swabs! By now ye should know about this high holiday, and if ye don’t, ye can figure out how to celebrate. Let us talk about a new way to make booze while cleanin’ up the air.
Scientists agree that climate change is real, and fer we pirates, that means fewer islands to pillage because of rising sea levels, and stronger hurricanes that could sink us. But now we might be able to take carbon emissions out o’ the air and put them to good use: getting us drunk. Ph.D student Ming Ma has devised a way to take carbon emissions captured from smokestacks and turn them into a variety of chemicals, especially ethanol. Ye may know ethanol as a fancy word fer grog.
We can make alcohol from the air. What a glorious time to be a pirate.
Cancel your weekend plans — they aren’t going to happen, because it looks like the world is going to end on Saturday, Sept. 23.
The latest doomsday prediction comes from, you guessed it, a half-baked Christian fundamentalist group. And despite being wrong every time for the past two millennia, they’re sure they have it this time. We won’t bore you with the details, but it related to the positions of the Sun and some planets in relation to certain constellations (which aren’t Judeo-Christian in the first place), last month’s solar eclipse and a unique interpretation of the Book of Revelation.
Remember that non-existent dwarf planet Nibiru that was supposed to hit Earth back in 2012? Same prediction here, just a new date.
The prediction is being denounced as a hoax by pretty much any authority on Christianity you can find. Or maybe they just don’t want the masses to believe it so they can have a bigger yard in Heaven.
So you and your significant other are really happy and you’ve decided to move in together. Congratulations! Hope you’re not planning on having sex anymore.
According to a recent study, cohabitation with a partner leads to decreased sexual interest in that person, regardless of gender. The study did find that women were more likely to lose interest in sex than men (tell us about it), but both genders were affected. Researchers believe this is because the longer a relationship lasts, the more likely it is to turn from passion to compassion.
The guys have a simpler theory: You share a bathroom with someone for a while and eventually you stop finding them sexy.
The recent hurricanes have done a lot of damage to Texas, Florida and the Caribbean. Many might say that it has shown the goodness in people, and that is the only good thing to come from these tragedies. That is a falsehood. They also killed an ugly monster for us.
A couple weeks ago, Hurricane Harvey battered coastal Texas in a way not seen since the Comanche Great Raid of 1840 (historical reference!). Houston was devastated, and folks are trying to pick up the pieces of their lives. But at least they don’t have to worry about a monster lurking in the waters.
A woman found this monstrosity lying on the beach in Texas. Mercifully, it was dead. Now, she’s hoping someone can tell her what the hell it is. As you can see above, it’s long, ugly and has teeth. It kind of resembles a xenomorph. We can thank Harvey for killing this beast and making the Gulf of Mexico safe for us.
Unless this monster has a family swimming around out there.
The Kiwis have come up with an ingenious idea, as long as you don’t mind a little hair in your drink. But it could be last call for a policy we need to adopt in the U.S.
Many New Zealand barbershops give complimentary glasses of beer or wine with a haircut. Yes, there is free beer served at barbershops. Customers can sip away while their barber does his or her thing. But now, the police are cracking down on this amazing policy, because someone out there isn’t happy with people boozing it up in that sort of setting.
The Guys have been around a while. We’ve never traveled to New Zealand, but it seems like news of such an awesome and apparently nationwide tradition would have reached us several times over by now. With Movember around the corner, perhaps we should plan a trip.