| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Said and done edition

The best part of the debate was before it even happened.
The best part of the debate was before it even happened.

Have you ever noticed that the people who complain about political posts on social media are the ones who post the worst stuff? They’re always the ones who share inspirational quotes, or food pictures, or a million selfies. In a non-election year, I hate hearing about your politics, too. But this is important, and people who have something to say about it have more value in my feed than cat pictures. If you were busy writing a long-winded takedown of Rick’s column this week, odds are you missed it.

Debate noticeably Boneless
The third and mercifully final presidential debate took place this week, and it was the most noted for not going off the rails for once. The biggest moment of the night was when Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump a puppet, to which the orange one replied that he wasn’t a puppet, but if he were to be one, he “would be the best, most elaborate and entertaining puppet you’ve ever seen, bleveme.”

Clap back
A report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention this week found that STD rates in the U.S. rose last year. The reported cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis all rose dramatically. Also up last year: reality dating shows.

Woman defies fast food, reaches 100
A 100-year-old woman in Pennsylvania was given a surprise birthday party at her local McDonald’s, and given a certificate for free food for life at that fast food restaurant. In future news, 101-year-old woman dead of heart attack.

| Filed under Booze News

Expect a wine shortage this year

As if 2016 wasn’t bad enough, it looks like we’re going to be short on wine this year.

It’s been a bad growing season for vineyards around the world. Harvests in South America and France are both down because of weather. That means there will be 5% less wine made this year, which also means that 5% of wine drinkers are going to have to forgo wine this year.

You can always switch to bourbon. Oh wait.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Scientists turn CO2 into booze

There are people who don’t believe in science, much less global warming. Perhaps they can be persuaded by learning that we can fight global warming and get drunk at the same time.

A group of scientists at the Energy Department’s Oak Ridge National Laboratory in Tennessee (your tax dollars at work!) have accidentally figured out how to turn carbon dioxide into ethanol. Carbon dioxide is a greenhouse gas, it’s the “carbon” in “carbon emissions.” Ethanol is the sciencey word for alcohol–you know, hootch. Of course, these eggheads see their discovery as a way to create cleaner burning fuel for our cars. But what it can really be used for is drinking. Cars emit all sorts of pollution and greenhouse gases. Drunk people don’t, unless you count beer farts.

Let’s save the planet by turning CO2 into booze. That’s a solution we can all drink to.

| Filed under War on Animals

Foodies taking out endangered species

For extra flavor, harvesters hug the pangolin before punting it into the grinder.
For extra flavor, harvesters hug the pangolin before punting it into the grinder.

We knew about the usual threats to endangered animals: deforestation, industrial development and pollution, picnic baskets filled with gluten (we’ll miss Boo-boo and his allergies, too, Yogi). What we didn’t expect were foodies eating their way through the protected species list like a Brazilian steakhouse menu.

According to findings published in the Royal Society Open Science journal, humans are driving at least 300 wild mammal species to extinction because those animals are either (a) secretly delicious or (b) get a lot of Instagram “likes” as plate selfies.

Apparently, people in Asia, Africa, and Latin America are eating everything from “rats to rhinoceros, […] docile, ant-eating pangolins as well as flesh-ripping big cats” — which reminds The Guys of our favorite book, If I Ran the Zoo … if The Zoo was a pen-to-table restaurant directly across the street from the Smithsonian National Zoological Park in trendy Adams Morgan, DC.

So, way to go, foodies. Because you couldn’t just eat a normal cow burger like the rest of us, we’re winning the War on Animals.

| Filed under War on Animals

Good news from Lake Titicaca

There’s a lot of bad news out there, and not just the made up news your uncle shares on Facebook. So today, halfway through the work week, take a break, take a breath, and take in some good news.

Researchers report that about 10,000 Peruvian frogs, known as “scrotum frogs” because of their baggy skin, have mysteriously died. We have thousands fewer enemies to worry about now, according to scientists examining Lake Titicaca.

That news once again: scrotum frogs have died at Lake Titicaca.

| Filed under War on Robots

Drones harass gridlocked drivers

The robots may not be strong enough to overtake us yet, but they can taunt us. It should come as no surprise that it will be Uber that does us in.

Drivers stuck in traffic in Mexico City probably aren’t in the best of moods in the first place. Now they have to deal with drones buzzing around their cars making fun of them. The drones carry signs shaming drivers for driving, and driving alone, at that.

This seems like a good reason for Mexico City drivers to carry guns with them, in case they aren’t already.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, That Wacky Australia, War on Animals

Big Tasmanian Devil Milk achieves medical spin

It wasn't essential to the research, but just for sh*ts and grins, one researcher married each Tasmanian devil before yanking those sweet, sweet peptides out of their tits.
It wasn’t essential to the research, but just for sh*ts and grins, one researcher married each Tasmanian devil before yanking those sweet, sweet peptides out of their tits.

We knew scientists were getting desperate for new sources of antibiotics now that all of the old ones are becoming less effective. (Serves us right for resting on Salk’s laurels.) But, we didn’t realize how desperate they’re getting until we learned that they’re milking Tasmanian devils.

It shouldn’t be too surprising, though, that it’s Australian researchers going full tit at Tasmanian devils. On the scale of scary Down-under animals, taking a devil down by the nipple seems relatively tame.

So why bother at all? According to those researchers, who — again — reached into the pouch of at least one Tasmanian devil to milk it, their milk contains six important peptides that appear to be able to kill hard-to-treat infections, including MRSA.

Of course, far tamer wallabies and opossums have 12 and eight peptides respectively in their milk, but where’s the fun in that? If the Aussies have their way, we bet the best way to milk Tasmanian devils is with your teeth, too.

| Filed under Regular Post

Vampires need to step it up

Really, the first hit to vampires' image was when they had to take jobs on children's television.
Really, the first hit to vampires’ image was when they had to take jobs on children’s television.

Between the Twilight media franchise and clowns now outranking spiders and losing your teeth in our list of national fears, vampires need a win.

Even at their most recent “scary” peak in the ’80s and ’90s, it was more of a sexy Catholic guilty fear via Anne Rice and probably created more goths than goosebumps. (Also scarier than vampires in the ’90s? Goosebumps.)

You know how we know vampires aren’t scary anymore? People are entering a drawing to win an overnight Airbnb stay in Dracula’s castle.

They’ll sleep in velvet-lined coffins, completely unarmed. No garlic. No stakes. And the only cross they’ll bear is having an awkward dinner with Bram Stoker’s living relative trying to method act as Jonathan Harker.

Ten bucks says he plays him as Keanu Reeves.

Well, here’s your shot, vampires. Two free suckers, gift-wrapped and everything. Try not to get too much glitter and guyliner on their necks.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Robots

Sweaty robots are the next big thing

In the Terminator movie franchise, after the machines take over the world, the create killer robots that look like humans to infiltrate and destroy the remains of human resistance. Thanks to the Japanese, we’re that much closer to making it a reality.

Researchers at the University of Tokyo have created a robot that can work out, although sadly, it can’t work out for us. But more importantly, the robot can sweat to cool itself down. Kengoro the robot has a head, torso, two arms and two legs, just like a human, and when it does pushups, it gets overheated. But rather than using fans, like pretty much every other machine, it sweats like a human. The robot’s skeleton is porous, and emits water throughout its frame to cool itself down.

This is achievement will soon be followed up by the first robot to get swamp ass.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Christmas sweater edition

But what about Captain Jowl right behind him?
But what about Captain Jowl right behind him?

I don’t think Billy Bush deserves to lose his job. At my first job as a reporter, I was assigned to do a profile on one of the candidates running for county sheriff. I got this guy because I was the lowest ranking reporter, and everyone knew he was nuts. The guy had a hairtrigger temper, and a persecution complex to go with it. During the interview, he railed about how this company or that person were against him, he spewed conspiracy theories, he even said if elected, he would throw the current sheriff and county judge in jail. I didn’t challenge him, I didn’t dig any deeper into his ramblings. I tried to remain agreeable to keep in talking. I wrote down what little of a coherent platform he had and got the interview over with as fast as I could. A few years later, he murdered his neighbor over some ongoing property line dispute. Billy Bush seems like a rich-guy douche bro who probably really believes what he and Donald Trump said, but I can’t prove it. All I know is sometimes you have to interview someone with the crazy eyes and in that moment, you have to roll with it. If you were busy winning the Nobel Literature Prize this week, odds are you missed it.

Ken Bone makes a boner
This week, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump yelled at each other on live TV for the second of three times. During the town hall-style debate, Ken Bone, a red sweater-clad voter who has somehow not made up his mind, used his opportunity to ask something of substance to the two people vying to be leader of the free world to instead toss a feel-good softball. Bone became an instant celebrity. He used his fame to endorse Uber, and did a Reddit AMA. The formerly anonymous Bone forgot to delete questionable Reddit comments, like his thoughts on certain porn stars and the murder of Trayvon Martin, before hand. As we have seen with Pepe the Frog and Chewbacca Mom, never become internet famous.

Last Trump releases diss track
Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump saw GOP leaders withdraw their support for the horse they backed, with many calling for donors to instead put their dollars toward close congressional races. Trump fired back that he didn’t need the support of Republican leadership, and is ranting any time he gets a microphone. This is like when Ice Cube left N.W.A., or when Zayn Malik left One Direction.

Obama enjoys not being in politics anymore
President Barack Obama penned an op-ed about how the NASA and the private sector will partner to send astronauts to Mars in the 2030s. In the same week, he lifted the $100 limit on bringing cigars and rum from Cuba. Someone’s getting excited for their retirement.