| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Hops can make you thin, science says

One day, beer will help you lose weight. We live in the midst of a craft beer renaissance. It seems like every day there is a report of a new brewery opening up nearby. Americans are in love with craft beer, so it shouldn’t be long before a beer can make you thin.

Scientists have found that xanthohumol, which is found in hops, can aid in weight loss. According to a recent study, the compound can help you lose weight, but you’d need to drink 3,500 pints per day to feel the effects. We’re guessing at that point the benefits of xanthohumol would be outweighed by the health effects of drinking a brewery dry. The hope is that one day science can make this stuff into capsules or something as a weight loss supplement. The Guys are waiting for a clever brewer to pack as much xantho–whatever, we’re drunk–into a beer to make it a viable solution.

Unless you’re Rick Snee, you like hoppy beers, so there’s hope for you. This is why Rick is so fat.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Scientists discover granddaddy of Europe

Artist depiction.
Artist depiction.

Here in the U.S., pretty much everyone with any European background can trace their lineage back to someone who came over on the Mayflower. In Europe, they can all look back at some caveman.

According to a new report, half of all men in Western Europe are descended from the same dude who lived 4,000 years ago. Scientists believe this “king” of sorts, rose to power in the Neolithic age, and was basically slaying anything in a bearskin skirt. He fathered an brood of ruling elite who spread across the continent.

This common ancestry can easily been seen as the reason why European nations never went to war with each other right down through history.

| Filed under Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Your generation is horsesh*t

Seven years ago, I wasn't seriously considering drinking gin made from collagen.
Seven years ago, I wasn’t seriously considering drinking gin made from collagen.

Seven years ago (holy balls, this blog is old), I wrote about how generations are a mostly useless way to figure out how any one person will preside over the free world. Unfortunately, nobody read it, because the generations are now using their birth decades to wage an online civil war between the only two generations that matter now: Baby Boomers and Millennials.

So, I’m upgrading my original pronouncement from 2009. Your generation doesn’t just suck, it’s also horsesh*t, and here’s why …  Continue reading

| Filed under Booze News

Finally, a gin that makes you look younger

Alright kid, you've had enough for tonight.
Alright kid, you’ve had enough for tonight.

Do you drink? Do you enjoy gin, but hate that you’re drinking yourself into an early grave? Are you easily swayed by gimmicks? We’ve got the gin for you.

Enter Anti-aGin, a gin distilled from collagen, and who doesn’t love the taste of collagen? As people who don’t read this site will know, collagen is stuff that’s good for your skin. It helps your skin stay firm. The loss of collagen overtime is one of the effects of aging. Not that it’s backed up by science, but the thinking is that if you can drink collagen, you’ll enjoy a buzz and get a nice, youthful glow. That’s assuming your cheeks aren’t flushed from drinking in the first place.

Like most other shady sounding beverages we feature, Anti-aGin is only available in the U.K. Write your congressman today and tell them you want to drink from the fountain of youth.

| Filed under Eat My Sports

Eat My Sports: Double hockey sticks

With the NHL playoffs in full swing, the least popular of the four major North American sports is getting it’s annual buzz, and being in the minority amongst a lot of my friends, I could care less.

Aside from being the equivalent of soccer on ice, hockey to me, is one of the least cerebral sports on the planet. It’s purely reactionary, involves no apparent strategy, and I’m pretty sure was created out of boredom by people in Canada who had three items: ice, branches and a frozen piece of poop.

While I know the common saying around the sports world is that there is nothing more exciting than a Game 7 in hockey. While I wish that I could see that, to me it gets trumped by baseball, basketball and the almighty NFL

Sure, I’ll catch flack for it, but even that beats trying to see where the puck is on the ice.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

It’s like we don’t even know our best friends anymore

Oh, sure. They'll hug us when they want it, but never when we're OK with it?
Oh, sure. They’ll hug us when they want it, but never when we’re in the mood?

We’ve all seen it happen: one day, your best friend just suddenly changes. Maybe he or she’s phoning it in at work. Or maybe your hugs just don’t have the same awkward sexual chemistry that you used to pretend doesn’t exist. We don’t know why it happens; all we do know is that we don’t even know dogs anymore.

We’re not sure when it went south, but dogs are definitely not helping us find the really good drugs like they used to. The sniffer drugs are only finding smuggled meat and cheeses at Manchester Airport in the United Kingdom. Preventing the illegal import of food part of their job, too, but you just know they’re skimming a little off the top for themselves while letting perfectly good heroin pass through.

But, not only are they slacking off on people work, we also noticed that, looking back on our old Flickr accounts, dogs don’t even like our hugs. In fact, they’re often looking uncomfortably away, perhaps at someone else whom they do want to embrace.

You’ve broken our hearts, dogs. And now you’re the enemy in the War on Animals.

| Filed under Regular Post

Oh snap

It’s an impulse we fight every day: Should I snap the elastic of someone else’s underwear? And apparently it’s a battle French Finance Minister Michel Sapin is no stranger to.

According to a book by two French journalists, Sapin snapped the exposed elastic of an unnamed female journalist’s underwear while at while at the World Economic Forum in Switzerland last year. Sapin has categorically denied the accusations. But because he’s French, we’re inclined to believe it totally happened.

It’s comforting to know that even a powerful man at a powerful conference can be immature. He’s human, even if that human is 10 years old.

| Filed under Facepalm

More airline passengers loaded than ever

TSA seized almost as many guns as nail clippers last week.
TSA seized almost as many guns as nail clippers last week.

It’s pretty normal to get loaded before a flight. You’re not driving, and you’re about to sit elbow-in-lap with a perfect stranger, which is basically a hook-up. What wasn’t normal — until this week — was to get loaded by bringing your gun on your carry-on. Alas, TSA confiscated a new record of 73 guns in one week in carry-on screenings.

That’s right: 73 people thought they were the one exception to no firearms allowed onboard a commercial flight. 68 of those guns were loaded, and 27 had a round in the chamber.

What’s weird is that, just one year ago, TSA managed to miss 95 percent of undercover agents smuggling in test contraband through security checkpoints. That’s how dumb our nation’s armed patriots are: they still got caught by TSA.

| Filed under War on Animals

Parrot jerk nearly gets owner arrested

If animals can’t kill or injure you, they will try to ruin your life by getting you arrested. It’s just a fact.

Police in Ontario responded to a man’s house after neighbors reported sounds of a domestic disturbance going on inside. You know it’s bad when your neighbors can hear your argument. What they found they weren’t prepared for.

Authorities said they found the man inside his house screaming death threats at his pet parrot. The man had apparently had a few drinks, and told the officers that the parrot had been yelling at him, and he was simply responding in kind. But of course, the parrot kept its mouth shit around the officers. Luckily, the man wasn’t charged.

| Filed under War on Animals

Science: Bees are people, too

A scientist and a philosopher made waves this week when they suggested that honeybees could have the capacity for consciousness.

According to the paper, honeybee brains are able to collect and process information about their surroundings much like the human midbrain. And the midbrain is basically all you need functioning in order to be considered alive and conscious. The Guys say, yeah, we know. You see, we’ve known that bugs and other animals are well aware of their actions, that’s why they have teamed up and continue to plot against us.

Now that science is finally coming around, we look forward to these same researchers helping us to wipe these evil beasts off the planet once and for all.