Another Super Bowl has come and gone, and man, were there some bad commercials this year. One honorable mention has to go to Bud Light, Amy Schumer and Seth Rogen for hyping their ad for weeks and then not really delivering much of anything. Nice going, guys. The other, everything Doritos did for the game, and pretty much any ad it’s done in the past decade.
I managed to avoid watching the commercials ahead of time, not because I wanted to have a clear head to write this or anything, I just wanted to be able to repreatedly shush an entire room of people multiple times in one night. And it paid off. Also, the fact that these ads are online before the Super Bowl even arrives makes it seem like we should stop caring about commercials during the game of all games.
The citizens of Columbus, Ohio are being held captive in their homes and the entire city is frozen in terror, as a monkey stalks the streets.
A police officer reported seeing a monkey sitting on a fence eating something. Apparently the beast didn’t stick around to answer questions. The monkey, believed to be a howler monkey, has been spotted by residents since then. Eerily, has anyone reported a pet monkey missing.
Police are asking citizens not to try to apprehend the primate on their own. When dealing with a dangerous foe like that, it’s best not to be the hero. Our thoughts are prayers are with those under siege in Ohio.
I think we need to stop making fun of other people’s cultures. Not because they are our equals (we’re way better than them), but because of Groundhog Day. For some reason, we have this day where everyone waits to see what a single groundhog in some backwoods told in Pennsylvania has to say about winter. At some point in American history, people thought this was an accurate sign of how the weather would be. Lots of towns did this groundhog thing. Then we all decided that Punxutawney, Pennsylvania had the most accurate groundhog, and each town ended their own ceremonies. There’s no feast, we don’t send cards, we just read the headline that morning, and maybe watch a Bill Murray movie. If you were busy winning the Iowa caucuses this week, odds are you missed it.
Women need to start worrying
This week, the Centers for Disease Control said that women of childbearing age should stop drinking unless they are on birth control, because if they get pregnant and don’t know it, the booze could hurt their children. Also, the World Health Organization declared the Zika virus outbreak a “public health emergency.” So in all, it was a banner week for women’s health.
Robo Tiger Woods has arrived
Researchers built and programmed a robot that can swing a golf club. In fact, it hits the ball so well that it got a hole-in-one on the on a source in Scottsdale, Arizona on the same hole that Tiger Woods once did the same in 1997. I’m calling it now, once this robot gets caught cheating on his robot wife, he will never win another major again.
The last time you’ll hear from Johnny Manziel
Authorities say soon-to-be ex-Cleveland Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel struck and threatened his ex girlfriend this week. The victim said he threatened to shoot her and himself. Luckily, no one was in any danger, because if anyone applied pressure, his aim would have been off.
This will allow Oral Roberts to not only keep their Christian soldiers onward and in shape, but also help enforce existing policies on gender separation, sexual orientation, clothing and church attendance.
For instance, now they’ll know if your heart rate increases at all hours of the night or in shared spaces with the opposite gender. So, you’d better think about baseball during those weird Christian side-hugs.
It’s no secret that romantic comedies all follow a script. First act: meet-cute. Second act: falling in love and then explosive argument. Third act: forgiveness. Women watch them to feel hopeful about love and relationships, and men watch them with women in hopes of getting some. But it turns out that rom-coms encourage stalking behavior.
According to a study from the University of Michigan, pretty much every romantic comedy out there features a refusal to give up on a relationship after one party (the woman, because it’s always the woman) has called it off or expressed zero interest in the other party. Through perseverance and some over-the-top romantic gestures that should set off alarm bells, the guy wins the heart of the female lead. Ladies, think of your favorite rom-com. Now think about that weird thing the guy does at the end. Creepy in real life, right?
Postdoctoral fellow Julia R. Lippman had groups of women watch half-hour clips of movies depicting rom-com stalking, violent stalking and a couple movies that have nothing to do with stalking. She found that the group that saw the violent stalking liked stalking behavior less, while the rom-com viewers, you guessed it, were more likely to be OK with it.
For your own safety, stop watching rom-coms, so you can better identify when a dude is turning all stalkery. More importantly, stop making dudes watch these films, you might be sending the wrong message.
A single spider has been bragging for about 99 million years, according to researchers.
Researchers say a piece of amber found in Myanmar dates back to the days of the dinosaurs. And trapped for all eternity in that amber is a spider showing off his erection. It appears that two ancient daddy longlegs spiders decided to get it on, when they were blindsided by some tree sap. The discovery gives scientists a look at what spider penises looked liked.
In case you were wondering, the tip is shaped like a spatula. There’s an image for the next time you cook.
It’s hard to say which will overtake humanity first: the animals or the robots. We’re fighting against both of those horrible futures, and the Dutch may have figured out how we can win.
Though not known for their firm stance against either foe, the Dutch National Police have figured out that we can have animals and robots fight each other. They are training falcons to take down drones in the interest of human safety. Of course, this means that eventually they will train drones to take down falcons, and the great war between animals and robots will begin.
Thanks, Dutch cops, you’ve given us the courage we need.
It’s always perplexed us why people follow certain brands on social media. How exciting are the posts coming in from Goldfish crackers? Are people that obsessed with certain foods that they need to get pointless updates in the Facebook feeds? Apparently so.
A lot of people like following Tony the Tiger on Twitter, nearly 22,000 people, in fact. The cartoon tiger had to take a break from shilling Frosted Flakes to ask his followers to chill out. Because everyone’s been sending him sexual images related to furries. Anthropomorphic sexual images have been filling Tony the Tiger’s Twitter feed, and it’s gotten so bad that the intern assigned to tweet as a cartoon spokesman has had to ask followers to keep it clean. Tony even had to block a bunch of furries.
Many are instead following, and this is true, Chester Cheetah.
Wide yo’ wife, hide yo’ kids: there are weird monkey bears coming for you in your own bedroom. They’re coming for everyone, even 99-year-old mothers-in-law.
The 99-year-old mother-in-law of Carlos Aguaras (who did not decline to be identified, unlike his MIL, so he’s the Antoine Dodson of this case) woke up to find a kinkajou curled up on her chest.
The Central and South American tree dweller is kinky, indeed, as its name is Banana (the penis of fruits) and because they’re normally not the bed intruder types, even in Miami. He was held briefly in the South Dade Animal Hospital (for the Deviant and Criminally Insane, obviously), and then released into the care of his owners.
People, we can’t get soft on animal perverts. We didn’t choose you, kinkajou, but we will fight you, nevertheless.