Olympic rings: Condom makers look forward to 2020 Games

We’re still two years away from the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo, but condom manufacturers in Japan are getting excited.

Olympics athletes are given condoms during the games to help promote safe sex. Japanese condom makers are ready for the chance to show off their products, which are just 0.001 millimeters thick. Japan boasts to have thinnest rubbers in the world, and it plans to show off its world-class product in Olympic village.

That means everyone is ramping up production now to make sure they have enough on hand when the games open. It really is an international celebration.

Walmart wants robots to put bees out of work

As readers of this blog know, humanity is under attack from many different groups: monsters, aliens, zombies, educators and of course artists. But the biggest threats are animals and robots. Walmart wants to combine the two.

Walmart wants to put bees out of business the way it did mom-and-pop stores across the country by using robots. The company filed a patents for robotic bees that pollinate crops. This is obviously very frightening. Walmart wants to put robots and bees at war with each other, and the winner will come for us next.

It’s about time we research robot insect spray.

Australia on high alert after giant ducky breaks free

There is a giant inflatable yellow duck drifting somewhere in the Indian Ocean. Her name is Daphne, and her owners are seeking help in getting her back.

All of Australia is on alert following reports of a giant ducky floating away from a swim event. The Cockburn Masters Swimming Club, which held the event, had bought Daphne as a sort of mascot. During the swim, Daphne caught some high winds and was blown out to sea.

We can only assume that Daphne is out there in the ocean, plotting her revenge and waiting for the right time to strike.

Now your beer can sparkle, contain a message

Tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, when people do awful things to beer, like dying it green or dropping a shot of whiskey into it. Or both. But this year, there are some new awful things you can do to your brew.

Have you ever ordered a pint, looked at the head and thought, “I wish there was something witty written there?” You’re in luck. Now you can print images and text on the foam of your beer with Beer Ripples. Our suggestion: “I’m Not Usually A Beer Drinker.”

And for those who want to take a sip of a pint and look like they had a lap dance, there’s glitter beer. Some breweries are offering brews with edible glitter in it. The best news here is that when you have the beer s&^ts the next day, you’ll sparkle.

Robots are coming for our enlarged prostates

Men, the older you live, the better chance a robot is going to shoot water up your butt. Another awful prediction of the future? No, it’s a frightening reality today.

A robot that can treat your enlarged prostate is coming to an a-hole near you, now that Procept BioRobotics has raised enough funds to move forward with its diabolical plan. The autonomous robot will shoot water to remove enlarged prostate material. There’s a good chance this is a look at your future, because about half of men 60 or older, and about 90% of men 85 and older suffer from an enlarged prostate.

But by the time you’re that old, you’ll be a slave to the machines, anyway.

Australia seems mixed on the War on Animals

Australia is filled with crazy people and deadly creatures, and is pretty much deserted in the middle, which basically makes it Florida. And as the summer in the Southern Hemisphere wraps up, it seems like a good time to check in on our allies down under.

In Queensland, some fools decided to save a giant spider from flood waters. The whistling spider, also called the Australian tarantula, was dangling on a tree branch in an attempt to escape a flood, and some passersby decided to help it. Keep in mind this thing is larger than your hand and hisses. They then moved it to a tree in the center of town and probably thought they did a good deed. We can only hope that their arrests are forthcoming.

Also in Queensland, a family finally caught a deadly brown snake living in their yard with the use of a jackhammer. The snake, one of the most poisonous in Australia, had been living under some steps for months. They decided to jackhammer the concrete walkway outside their house to give the beast fewer places to hide.

The plan worked, and the snake was caught in just a couple hours. Well done, brave warriors.

Burger-flipping robot pulled in rare win for humans

The robots are coming for us, but first they are coming for our jobs. But today, cooks can hold their heads high, as Flippy the robot had been taken off the line.

Flippy, a robot developed to grill and flip burgers, is out of service, not because of something it failed to do, but because it’s too efficient. The robot can cook 2,000 burgers a day. The only problem is that Flippy’s human coworkers aren’t able to assemble the burgers that fast.

The company that makes Flippy said human workers need to be better trained, or you know, replaced by other robots.

Florida hires team to murder iguanas

If you have the urge to go out and kill some invasive species, Florida, as always, should be your destination.

The state, which is home to the annual python bounty hunt, is sending researchers to seek out iguanas and kill them by bashing their heads in. According to reports, iguanas have taken over much of South Florida, including many local governments. In an effort to fight back, state tax dollars are paying some scientists to go on an iguana murder spree.

Still think public funding for science is a waste?

Voodoo dolls are key to a happy workplace, study says

It’s Friday. You’re nearly through the work week. Are you exhausted? Has your boss been getting you down? Science says you need a voodoo doll.

According to a recent study of American and Canadian, having a voodoo doll of the boss can do wonders for morale around the office. Workers seemed to enjoy blowing off steam by symbolically punishing their bosses. Stabbing a fake boss was found to lower feelings of workplace injustice by one third.

So don’t steam over the latest work stress this weekend. Don’t drink until you finally feel free from the yoke of your office. Start sewing. You’ll feel better when you’re done.

Drunk Americans keeping retail alive, study says

As a society, we should know that drinking and shopping is bad, but we don’t. We really, really don’t.

According to a recent survey, drunk Americans spend $30 billion a year in purchases. That works out to about $447.57 per drunky. That’s a lot of purchases to make in a year, under the influence or not.

So what are the smashed shoppers spending their money on? About half of the purchases are for food. The next most common purchases were on shoes, clothes and gambling. So basically, we buy stuff to sop up the booze we just drank, and then ladies go for shoes and clothes. No one gambles sober, so that’s just a wash.

So the next time you have a drink, ask yourself if you’re doing your part for the economy.