You Missed It: Altered State of the Union edition
Posted on January 27, 2012
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I’m just going to come right out and say it: Facebook’s Timeline profile page layout really sucks. I’m sure it’s just another change that everyone will get used to in time, but I really don’t like it, simply because it makes everything harder to read. Rather than a list or feed format, posts are on alternating sides of a line. At least Twitter’s not changing its layout, amiright? If you were busy planning a moon colony this week, odds are you missed it.
Union, drinks still strong
On Tuesday, President Barack Obama gave his State of the Union address, and he sounded like he was back into his campaigning, animated tone, as opposed to the boring, wordy tone we’ve heard for the past three years. He had some bold new ideas, including saying “jobs,” “progress,” “economy,” “freedom” and other words to get the American public drunk as quickly as possible, because they have to get up in the morning and go to their jobs and support the economy. Drink twice.
The Nanny in spaaaaaaaaaace
Remember actress Fran Drescher? It seems like she fell of the face of the Earth, doesn’t it? As it turns out, she may have, and she’s got the scars to prove it. Drescher said that when they were kids, she and her husband were abducted by aliens. What’s worse is that they have matching scars from where the aliens implanted some sort of tracking chips into their bodies. Someone’s jockeying for her own reality show a little too hard.
Another aspect of stay-at-home mothering
More American women are choosing to give birth at home, according to a new study. From 2004 to 2009, the number of women poppin’ ‘em out at home jumped by 29%. In related news, the carpet-cleaning industry also saw significant growth during the same time frame.
Begun the Lego Star Wars have
Posted on January 27, 2012
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A new front in the space race has opened. Two Canadian teenagers, Mathew Ho and Asad Muhammad, have sent a Lego man 15 miles up into the atmosphere for a measly $400.
Our brothers from the norther side of the border launched their Legonaut using a weather balloon, onboard cameras and a GPS-equipped cell phone from Ontario. It drifted back to Canadian soil by parachute only 75 miles away from their launch site, where witnesses claim an alien spacecraft crashed while their government insists some swamp gas flared up.
We offer Ho and Muhammad our congratulations with the caveat that they promise not to destroy our crumbling space program the way Avril Lavigne did with punk rock.
Written by Rick SneeAnd now, another moment in ‘What not to say’
Posted on January 27, 2012
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“On an army base” edition:
- “The secret ingredient is poison” – mess hall head cook
- “Who wants to play knife fight?” – boot camp attendee
- “Hey, let’s smack this crappy fellow private with a sock filled with soap.” – other boot camp attendee
- “So, I’ve got this idea for a plague…” – research scientist
- “Wasn’t Stop-Loss such a great movie?” – Army recruiter
- “Joining Al Qaeda and declaring jihad on the United States of America is looking really good right now.” – 4 star general
- “It’s probably a bomb.” – package courier
Nein lives
Posted on January 27, 2012
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Cats are evil. We know this, because many of us own them, and they never obey us unless we hold a can of their food. However, few of us realize that cats are deadly killers.
Sure, our alleged “Federal Bureau of Investigation” would have us believe that a paroled killer was about to do it all again, but we know better. The man, allegedly, of course, planned to extort his wealthy victim, who was also quite affectionate with his wife, and then kill him, then blame it on the man’s cat. I think we know better.
An unidentified informant the reason police were able to stop this murder in the works. That should be up for debate, because we all know that an animal would do anything to frame its owner or its owners’ friends to keep the sinister plot from being known.
Written by Bryan McBournieMasterChugs Theater: ‘Crank 2: High Voltage’
Posted on January 26, 2012
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For those of you that read last week’s review, you know that Crank is an absolutely insane movie.
Fact: Things get crazier in the sequel, Crank 2: High Voltage. Read more
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorI’d like to buy a vow–bleargh!
Posted on January 26, 2012
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In a recent interview with Dan Le Batard on ESPN2 (which often fills their “sports” content with spelling contests and Skip Bayless), Pat Sajak admitted that he and co-host Vanna White were often spinning under the influence in early episodes of Wheel of Fortune. The pair would take two-and-a-half hour lunches at a Mexican restaurant, Los Arcos, and consume anywhere from “two or three or six” margaritas before taping the last episodes of the day.
Sajak joked that they would “have trouble recognizing the alphabet,” which probably explains why the show eventually switched to touchscreen letters for Vanna.
Written by Rick SneeSoylent Green no longer people in Oklahoma
Posted on January 26, 2012
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A state bill is on its way through the Oklahoma legislature preventing human fetuses from being used in food. This has resulted in one question by many people: “Why exactly was this needed?”
Senator Ralph Shortey claims to have research that reveals food industry companies having used human stem cells in the creation of items, including artificial flavors. Though it’s not known if anyone outside of Shortey and his group have seen this research, the bill has nonetheless been introduced and awaits discussion from Shortey’s peers. Have no fear, though, as the bills makes no mention of animal fetuses. Connoisseurs of super-veal, you’re still okay.
We would like to pass on something Senator Shortey: if The Guys are not given 100 thousand non-taxable dollars in the next three months, the world will explode. We’re not saying at all that we will cause the world to explode or even do any damage; however, we do have major intel that only we need see to substantiate this claim.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorEven security problems are cuter in Canada
Posted on January 26, 2012
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Imagine you live in Canada, and what’s worse, you have to be on time for your flight at 5:40 a.m. or whatever the conversion rate is these days. Now imagine that your early-morning flight is cancelled because there is a cat running loose on the plane.
That’s exactly the nightmare that several Air Canada passengers lived yesterday. Their flight was grounded because a cat got loose and was hiding in the cockpit. There’s no way to know if it was trying to go after the bird/bat that has been stowing away on flights recently.
They don’t have air marshals up there like we do here in civilization, so authorities were powerless to stop the feline, which refused to make any demands.
Written by Bryan McBournieTake it from Snee: As Seen in the Paleolithic
Posted on January 25, 2012
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Foolish as it may seem, I don’t believe everything I see in commercials. For instance, when InventHelp says that the guy who invented the Splash Wash, a car wash for kids, by watching children play, I find it hard to believe he wasn’t masturbating at the time. Or that the woman’s whose hair is blown permanently back by the Trojan Vibrating Twister isn’t held there with semen.
But, there’s one idea that completely stretches my brain’s capacity for hogwash (which is another use for the Splash Wash, by the way), and it’s that modern man has just now solved the problems inherent in wearing a blanket.
The Snuggie and the Forever Lazy aren’t bad ideas, though. To the contrary, I long for the day when I can wear the poncho I was given to keep warm in a Tijuana jail cell to work. No, what’s nearly impossible to fathom is that these products are awarded patents for what humanity already accomplished in the Paleolithic Era.
Granted, it’s not uncommon for society to forget previous innovations, like trepanning, a medical practice dating back to the beginning of human history that pops up every time a doctor wants a license for drilling holes in people’s heads.
The Snuggie and the Forever Lazy follow the same path, starting way back in the Ice Age … Read more
Written by Rick SneeOz-born baby has something to fear
Posted on January 25, 2012
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Fear not little tikes, at least Sharon Osbourne is not your grandmother! In a recent interview, the recent television tyrant explained that she is going to be a grandmother “from Hell.”
Written by Bryan Schools keep looking »