You might’ve noticed that we’ve been keen these past few weeks on running stories about clowns and how demonicthey’ve been. We can’t help it, these type of stories fall into our modus operandi. Also, clowns are kind of creepy. So when I decide to take a peek at a movie involving a clown, I automatically get a little hesitant.
Stitches is an Irish horror comedy that I didn’t know what to expect from going in. I just knew it had a killer clown in it. All things considered, I went in with very low expectations. Luckily, I came out pleasantly surprised, because despite some pacing issues, Stitches turned out to be a pretty entertaining throwback to the cheesy slashers from a bygone era. Continue reading →
Despite having an entire day dedicated to talking like them, pirates are still second-class citizens here in America. In recent weeks, we’ve seen pirates get beaten up and have security called on them just for how they dress. The hatred continues.
In Hawaii, a place that ought to have a lot of experience with pirates, one man was flying back from Maui to San Francisco, or at least he tried. TSA agents didn’t like that he had a cannon barrel in his checked luggage even though it wasn’t loaded. A pirate never travels without his guns. After some unwarranted harassment and trampling of his rights as a human, the pirate was allowed to board his flight, but his cannon barrel had to fly back separately.
Unless we kiss our ban on snakes on planes goodbye, we’re not gonna make it out of the War on Animals alive. That’s because there’s a new threat to human aviation: mice on a plane.
The crew for a Norwegian commercial flight to New York found a mouse in the cockpit. They then had to delay the flight for five hours to check all the avionics because mice routinely chew up cables and wires. (“Found” copper brings in a whole lot of cheddar.)
This isn’t even the first time it’s happened. Norwegian Air Shuttle spokesperson, Charlotte Holmbergh admitted, “This does not happen very often, but it does happen from time to time.”
One time is too, and so especially is an airline threat that has now appeared time after time. If a plane falls, we can’t catch it, we’ll all be waiting, time after time … Time after time … Time after time.
Good news, everyone of our target demographic reading this: you’re going to live longer than Justin Bieber. Miley Cyrus? You’re going to outlive her, too. In fact, every pop music star you can name, you’re going to bury them all.
No, we didn’t hire hit men or anything illegal unethical like that. A recent study found that being a pop star is bad your your health. In fact, it shortens your life expectancy by about 25 years. Mostly, it’s because young people aren’t equipped to handle their sudden rise to stardom, which leads to riskier behavior that is only encouraged as you get more famous.
If he dresses like a Darth Vader, has his name changed like a Darth Vader and has stormtroopers surrounding him like a Darth Vader, then he’s a Darth Vader, right? But what about if he’s in the Ukraine?
Seriously, he really needs your vote. See, Darth Vader is polling pretty low in the parliamentary elections. Unfortunately, this can be attributed to his involvement in the scandal known as “the prequel trilogy.”
Look, The Guys understand that the entire Internet is in an unannounced “Greatest Selfie of All Time” contest, which started right around the rise of Instagram. And we know that the Chinese word for “danger” is also the same word for “picturesque.” (Chinese is really easy because you only have to learn 50 percent of the vocabulary to use 100 percent of it.)
But, please, for the love of Matthew Brady, please stop taking selfies with bears.
U.S. Forest Service officials at Lake Tahoe have had it with people risking literally life and limb to take the selfie that will finally win the Internet: with a live bear. Rangers have seen people “[run] across the highway to get a closer look at the animals, and even [charge] off trails, through the forest and even over the creek to get closer to the hungry bears” [emphasis added].
People, let us remind you that we are at War with Animals. While it is commendable to document the enemies’ positions (along with a sweet #waronanimals hashtag) there is a safer way to get the picture you need. Rather than shoot with a cameraphone, shoot with a gun. We call it an ammosafari, which is like a photosafari only — instead of taking pictures — you take lives with a gun that you also took.
It’s been a while since we checked on France. Anyone heard from them lately? What’s that? They’re being attacked by clowns? Uh oh.
Earlier this month, some clowns were showing up in northern France and creeping everyone the hell out. The French apparently did nothing, and now the clowns have spread to the south of France, too. Police keep arresting people, mostly teenagers, dressed as clowns. In some cases, they are carrying knives and other weapons.
Naturally, this has lead to a resistance movement within French society. They are fighting clowns wherever they see them, and are no doubt waiting for NATO forces to arrive.
Halloween is here, and the good news is that it’s on a Friday this time around. That means that you can go out in public wearing your costume on your way to a party and not get any more looks from strangers than usual. The bad news is that it’s on a Friday this time around. That means you have to rush home from work (this assumes you have a job), eat, then don your costume and hope to make it to your festivities on time. Basically, you’re not going to have much time for a super-involved getup.
In a situation like that, you pretty much have to half-ass a costume. You’re just not going to have time to get into really complicated costume and get your makeup on and everything. This is how a woman feels every day, the difference is you don’t have to shave your legs, too.
When you’re rushing, it’s easy to make some bad choices for costumes. Luckily, I’m here to help. Continue reading →