We’re here to announce the closure of this blog. Yes, 12 years after its founding, and eight years since the death of blogging, SeriouslyGuys is coming to an end.
Back when we started, The Guys were just some single dudes in their 20s without anything to hold them back in the world. Now we’re in our 30s and have families and all the associated bills that come along with responsibility. We’re slowly being beaten down in the long slog to conformity and then the grave.
Through the years we hope we’ve entertained you. We hope that you realized that there’s something wrong with Australia, that animals are out to get us, and that reading entire blog posts in pirate speak is miserable.
We want to thank you, the reader, for reading this. Thank you for following us, or even if just accidentally stumbled onto this blog thinking it was porn and quickly moved on. It’s been
knowing assuming that you are someone is out there reading us that has kept us posting.
We thank you enjoy going through our archives, where you’ll find 10,762 posts with all sorts of dick jokes, rants and broken links to news stories. You can still follow us on Facebook, where we’ll post from time to time.
So long, and may you always have summer penis.
In Belgium is the land of waffles, and is also home to a growing nudist, or “naturist,” movement. Its numbers are swelling so much that nudist groups are seeking a second nude beach, because the first one is asses to elbows, literally.
But the Flemish Agency for Nature and Woodland has rejected a permit for a new nude beach permit over concern that it might scare away the wildlife. The Belgian government is worried that a local bird’s mating habitat might be affected by the sight of some naked humans, some of whom may be getting it on, and decide not to get it on themselves.
This should outrage every human. We as a species should be more important than any animal in the eyes of the law. If birds can do it in public, they should get over themselves when they see us do it, too.
The Tour de France stands as an example that the rest of the world is really into sports the U.S. only cares about if an American team happens to be really good at it. But it’s going on right now, even though we just had the World Cup. And maybe a big bicycle race is worth watching after all, because some bikers accidentally got teargassed.
Turns out some French farmers are really mad at the French government about some French laws, and they chose to protest at the Tour de France. Given our limited knowledge of the geography of France, if there are farmers, it’s either where they grow grapes or where Belle from Beauty and the Beast is from.
The farmers put up hay bales to block the Tour de France for their protest, and the police cleared them out by using teargas. Unfortunately the gas hadn’t cleared when the riders got there, and it got in their eyes.
After a 15 minute break, and some eye rinsing, the race was back on.
A hundred-year-old English woman has some good news for you: keep drinking your beer.
Eileen Maher just turned 100, and she celebrated by downing a Stella Artois and some cookies — for good reason — she credits them for her longevity. That science seems good enough for us.
There are a couple bonus facts that we found in this article: if you live in the U.K., you get a telegram from Queen Elizabeth on your 100th birthday. Also, apparently telegrams are still a thing over there.
Here’s another reason we need to eliminate animals from the planet: they don’t respect our music.
According to a new study, ladybugs that are exposed to rock ‘n roll music tend to eat fewer aphids than those who had no dining music or listened to soft country music, which is of course, worse than anything. Researchers at Mississippi State University found that exposing these predatory bugs to AC/DC made them lose their appetites, which is bad news if you’re a farmer or gardener.
So, no more rocking out while you till the soil. You could have an infestation on your hands.
The English summer of animal-related terror (we need to come up with a better name than that) continues on. We don’t want to alarm anyone, but Great Britain could be in the process of being overrun by tarantulas.
Britons, we’re not sure how to put this, but there could be some bird-eating spiders on the loose right this very moment. In Derbyshire, England, 10 pots were found in the parking lot of a store. All of them were labeled, “Brazilian pink bird-eating spiders.”
That’s somewhat odd, but not really cause for concern. But was is cause for concern is that two of the pots had been broken after being hit by cars. Three baby tarantulas were found in the other pots, and authorities worry that the parents may have escaped.
Bird-eating tarantulas on the loose? Maybe they could eat the drunken seagulls at the beach.
There was a time when the alcohol industry wanted nothing to do with marijuana. It didn’t want to be associated with illegal drug use. Apparently times have changed. Pass me a cabernet sauvignon, dude.
Last week, the Wine and Spirits Wholesalers of America, put out a statement supporting states’ efforts to decriminalize and legalize the recreational use of pot. This is not a small thing, because the group represents 80% of all wine and liquor wholesale distributors. If you drank something other than beer over the weekend, it probably came from these guys.
All this is great news for those stoner girls you knew in college who wanted a marriage of weed and wine in a single glass.
Sleep is pretty awesome. And yet, when you sleep, you are vulnerable to all sorts of attacks, like large animals falling on you.
In upstate New York, a man was sleeping in his bed, probably enjoying a nice peaceful dream offering him an escape from the frustrations and disappointments of everyday life, when a snake fell on him. A six-foot-long boa constrictor fell from the ceiling and landed on him, we’re assuming that woke him up. Imagine the terror of being woken up by the sudden impact of an animal falling on you, then discovering that that animal is a huge snake.
Turns out the boa constrictor escaped its enclosure somewhere else in the apartment building and was out for a stroll. Amazingly, no one was arrested and the snake wasn’t put down.
Sleep with one eye open tonight.
If there’s one thing we’ve always said here at SeriouslyGuys, it’s that you shouldn’t read. But do you listen? And now there are books that could kill you.
The library at the University of Southern Denmark recently pulled three Renaissance-era books that have arsenic on their pages. The books were covered in arsenic-laced paint that had been applied back in the 19th century, when people thought arsenic was totally safe as long as you didn’t swallow it.
So put down those books, people. It could just save your life.
The U.S. craft beer market is pretty well saturated, and it’s no secret that this is forcing breweries to do some stunts to get attention from the public. But this (and sparkle beer) is where we draw the line.
A brewery in Los Angeles will soon introduce a beer whose ingredients were picked out by a bear. We’ve gotten to the point that we need animals to select what kind of beer we’re going to drink.
Earlier this month, Simmzy’s brewery placed several different ingredients near a bear at the L.A. Zoo. The bear chose hibiscus flower and honey. And so the bear’s honey-hibiscus beer will be available next month as part of a beer fundraiser.
Maybe Japanese brewers can have their psychic octopus pick beer ingredients. Oh wait.