| Filed under MasterChugs Theater

MasterChugs Theater: Oscar 2015 Recap

Okay, let me start off first by apologizing: I never wrote a pre-Oscars piece for 2015. No predictions were made by me. In my defense:

  1. I was part of the people that kept getting snow dumped on me every week for two weeks (and it’s still happening).
  2. Being able to get giant amounts of sleep because you’re exhausted from shoveling snow and you’ve actually got a day off is a unique and wonderful experience.
  3. I forgot the actual date.

People, all I’ve got to offer is lo siento. That said, I did watch the Oscars. Let’s talk about them, shall we? Continue reading

| Filed under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex

Evil laughs now only cost under a grand

Being able to be a dictator of a third-world country just got a lot cheaper.

Okay, granted, Hungary isn’t exactly a third-world, but it ain’t exactly an economic superpower. And like all countries in the world, money can still be a little hard to come by. As such, the Hungarian village of Megyer is offering up its services for sale. And by its services, I mean being in charge of the entire village.

For just a scant 690 euros (or 750 dollars in real, American, non-moon money), a body can get for a day:

seven guesthouses that sleep 39 people, four streets, a bus stop, a barn, a chicken yard, six horses, two cows, three sheep and four hectares (10 acres) of farmland — along with the possibility of temporarily being named deputy mayor

That’s a lot of stuff in the year 1543! The mayor of the village is even encouraging the renters to have a bottle of rose wine among the silence of the countryside. And therein lies the draw. What they’re not encouraging is what a renter can’t do.

Oppression of a society of people? White slave trade? Drug smuggling? Testing out chemical weapons? We won’t judge.

| Filed under Sex Sells

Joanie openly loves married Chachi

We're reporting live from Joanie's pelvis, and it appears that Chachi is unprotected.
We’re reporting live from inside Joanie’s pelvis, and it appears that Chachi is unprotected.

A South Korean court overturned a law that made adultery a criminal offense, punishable by fines or (rarely) jail time. And, seemingly overnight, at least one condom manufacturer saw stock prices surge as high as allowed for the day.

Now, The Guys are students of human behavior. It’s not like married South Koreans weren’t sleeping around. The government could have punished adultery with life imprisonment, facial branding and genital amputation and — based on the number of stonings, honor killings and damning embroidery in more punitive societies — people would still cheat on their spouses.

So, if human nature is as it has always been, then increased condom sales indicates that they’re just now using protection. Ewwww.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Fight dementia with beer today

Drinking is good for you. And if you drink, there’s a good chance you’ll remember that fact long into your old age.

According to researchers in China, a chemical in beer helps ward off degenerative diseases. A study found that xanthohumol, a chemical found in hops, might help brain cells from oxidative stress that can lead to dementia. That means that while you may not remember how many beers you had last night, there’s a better chance you’ll remember your grandchildren’s names later in life.

And yet our own Rick Snee doesn’t like hoppy beers. So if he starts posting jokes from 2008, just roll with it.

| Filed under Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Self-mummification beats self-immolation

It'd be really fun if this was one of those little 6" tall statues you can buy in head shops.
It’d be really fun if this was one of those little 6 inch tall statues you can buy in head shops.

Despite what that guy who stocks the bulk barrels at Whole Foods tells you, Buddhism is freakin’ brutal. From Kung Fu to self-immolation to protest war, Buddhist monks have been on a thousand year, testicle-abusing mission to prove that they are not David Carradine. And now we have a new bar to rate their metalness: self-mummification just so that the other monks have something to worship.

The Internet’s sudden infatuation with a mummy found inside of a Buddha statue allll the way back in 1996 (so pre-Hamster Dance) has raised awareness of self-mummification, a now illegal process in which Buddhist monks crash diet until crunchy.

And it makes sense why we’d be interested. The Buddha Statue Mummy intersects the Internet’s interests in morbid curiosity and a weight loss program that actually works.  Continue reading

| Filed under Economic cliches for $1000, Alex

Capitalism takes the weather by the spurs

Perhaps you live on the East Coast and were subject to the snow that all of us experienced. How crappy was that, hmm? It was probably even worse if you lived in the Northeastern section of the country. New England, I’m hollering at’cha! Having legendary amounts of snow dumped on you puts a damper on everything.

But not if you’re Kyle Waring. Waring has set up an online store where he’ll sell to you “historic Boston snow” in a water bottle. Mind you, you’ll end up getting water in a water bottle,  but hey, it’s about the experience, right?

Well, for a small nominal upcharge of 70 dollars, Kyle can just about guarantee you getting snow rather than water in the mail. Now that’s service!

| Filed under Facepalm

The greatest game ever tanked

Welcome to Murfreesboro, Tenn., home of setting fire to construction equipment used to build a mosque and now the world's most corrupt high school basketball programs!
Welcome to Murfreesboro, Tenn., home of setting fire to construction equipment used to build a mosque and now the world’s most corrupt high school basketball programs!

We thought we saw the pinnacle of women taking dives back in the 2012 Olympics during badminton. We were wrong.

Two girls prep school basketball teams from Murfreesboro, Tenn. — Riverdale, a state champion in 2013, and Smyrna — were caught deliberately trying to out-tank each other for an easier playoff opponent. As each team tried harder and harder to lose, the play got so embarrassing that refs stopped the game after a Smyrna player tried to shoot at her own hoop.

Both teams have been fined $1500 each, which is a lot of car washes and candy bar sales, and placed on probation for one year.

The winners, as always, are the parents and spectators, who will now have one less round of high school basketball to pretend to enjoy.

[Special thanks to Patrick H. for bounce-passing this our way.]

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Your ancestors were killed by gerbils

Humans and animals have been at war through the ages–everyone knows that. But according to a new study, one animal hasn’t killed nearly as many of us as we give it credit for.

Science has long said that rats were the cause of the Black Death, which first struck Europe in the 1300s, and kept coming back for centuries, killing millions of people. But according to a new study, gerbils in Asia are to blame for the plague. Those cute, squeaky vermin you watch crawl around in their little plastic tube mazes? Their ancestors killed some of your ancestors.

According to the study, the summers weren’t hot or dry enough for the cause to be European rats, but conditions were just right for Asian gerbils to get the party started. This is why every single animal, no matter how small or cute, is a threat to our very existence.

| Filed under Eat My Sports

Eat My Sports: Quoth the Raven “someone who has domestic abuse in their background, it’s going to be tough to be considered a Raven”

Ah, yes, the brave new NFL. Where we take domestic abuse seriously, where Ray Rice became the posterboy for the new no-tolerance level the NFL has. This particularly has some special enforcement on the Baltimore Ravens, Rice’s former franchise.

Rice was cut, suspended for the year and run over by the national media after he told the truth about an ugly incident in NJ, then was given double jeopardy by being penalized with the previously mentioned punishments after already being served a two-game punishment.

The quote in the headline is from Ravens’ GM Ozzie Newsome. The man who now has a moral compass when it comes to his football team **COUGH** Ray Lewis **COUGH** Terrell Suggs **COUGH** every Raven arrested during the 2013 season. If Newsome really believes in what he says, the first thing that needs to happen is the release of Terrell Suggs. Continue reading