| Posted in You Missed It

You Missed It: Newfangled contraption edition

"OMG did anyone see Downton Abbey last night?"
“OMG did anyone see Downton Abbey last night?”

Apparently some Google exec broke the freefall record set by Felix Baumgartner just a couple years ago. He jumped higher than any human has every jumped. Only thing is that it wasn’t sponsored by Red Bull, so no one knew it was going to happen. In that case, what’s the point? Why walk across the Grand Canyon on a wire if no one’s watching? We don’t do stunts for ourselves, we do them for the attention. If you were busy getting your reality show cancelled this week, odds are you missed it.

This week, Queen Elizabeth II sent out her first tweet to open an exhibit at the Science Museum in London. In her tweet, she greeted everyone to the exhibit and expressed her hopes that everyone enjoys it. All of her tweets since then have been nothing but pictures of her grandchildren and conspiracy theories.

The Steve Jobs we deserve
It was announced this week that Christian Bale will play Steve Jobs in yet another movie about the deceased Apple genius of geniuses, directed by Aaron Sorkin. In the announcement, Sorkin said that Bale will “crush” the role of Jobs. Bale said he’s looking forward to the role, as he has a lot of experience playing billionaires who develop their own technology by day, and crush the windpipes of bad guys by night.

Meth-cooking grip
After a mother complaints went viral, Toys R Us pulled Breaking Bad action figures from its shelves. In response, actor Aaron Paul criticized the company’s decision, and fans formed a counter-petition to bring the toys back. In other news, thousands of people in Africa are dying from Ebola.

| Posted in Booze News

Finally, a cancer charity we can get behind that doesn’t start with ‘Mov’

Todd Ruggere has a dream, and it’s a noble one: he wants to drink a beer in all 50 states. For cancer research fundraising, obviously.

Each person had a unique story about how Ruggere’s quest to drink away cancer was making a difference for them.

That said, while it’s admirable to see a man wanting to destroy his liver to destroy a disease (eventually), it’s also smart to just donate to Rick Snee’s Movember team. Then you can have a beer wherever you want!

| Posted in Regular Post

Secession Watch: South Florida (sort of)

You may not know this, but Florida is a pretty big state if you’re going north-south. Long, boring and meth-ridden. But maybe it will become two states.

South Miami city officials voted in favor of a resolution supporting that South Florida break off from the rest of the state. This shouldn’t be surprising, as South Miami probably voted out of Miami, which sounds like a stupid thing to do.

Surprisingly, they want to form their own state not for libertarian reasons, but environmental. The people are worried about rising sea levels, and don’t think that the state government in Tallahassee (in the armpit, we looked it up), will do anything about it.

If these guys are going to be under water soon, should we really make them their own state?

| Posted in MasterChugs Theater

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Cheap Thrills’

If you desperately needed money, what would you be willing to do in order to get your hands on a lot of it quickly?

Living to its title, Cheap Thrills poses a version of this question, setting up a game in which a pair of wealthy sadists offer two hungry guys wads of cash in exchange for escalating acts of humiliation and violence. Provocative but not so extreme as to keep it out of mainstream theaters, the film has commercial potential and should also connect with arthouse admirers of such cruel auteurs as Lars von Trier and Michael Haneke. It’s definitely not for everyone, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a good movie. Continue reading

| Posted in That Wacky Australia

Meet the androgenous gingerbread person cookie

The War on Christmas starts earlier every year.

A bakery in Melbourne, Australia is kicking things off by offering a genderless, vegan gingerbread person cookie. And it’s not even Halloween. Is this really necessary? It’s not like gingerbread men are waving around their gingerbread penises (unless you’re at a bachelorette party around the holidays), so why can’t we just let these men have their dignity? At least make them non-vegan, it’s inhumane not to.

And doesn’t Australia celebrate Christmas in the June or something?

| Posted in Movember, Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Only 10 days until Movember

If you're willing to find out and have a good cause to blame, go to The Proposers Movember page to sign up today.
If you’re willing to find out and have a good cause to blame, go to The Proposers Movember page to sign up today.

Right now, your mind is on Halloween — as it should be. And I’d hate to interrupt you while you consider whether banging a sexy crayon is just doing it with a giant, red, waxy dick, but I need you to think about the morning after for a second.

No, not about whether you’ll still respect yourself and Party City for giving you a whole new fetish and therapy issues. I want you to think about whether you’re willing to grow a mustache — and only a mustache — for charity.

In 10 days, my Movember team, The Proposers, starts our 2014 campaign to raise money for men’s health organizations, including Livestrong, the Prostate Cancer Foundation and the International Consortium for Health Outcomes Measurement (ICHOM). This money pays for men’s health awareness and education campaigns, live-saving research and treatment and support for affected men and their families.

In 2013, we raised over $2000 in donations. We’re looking to raise even more this year with your help.

But, you don’t have to decide just yet. Let me explain what exactly it is we’re doing and why.  Continue reading

| Posted in Ban Time Travel Research, Wait ... What?!

Hong Kong democracy protesters open hole into alternate universe where Kenny G matters

Based on Kenny G's ageless appearance, it's possible that he merely jumped in time from 1993 directly to the 2014 Hong Kong protests. Or he's an elf.
Based on Kenny G’s ageless appearance, it’s possible that he merely jumped in time from 1993 directly to the 2014 Hong Kong protests. Or he’s an elf.

The Guys support a lot of scientific ideas, but the existence of alternate universes based on the chaotic actions of the universe has not been one of them. However, the evidence in Hong Kong is stark and, frankly, conclusive: an alternative universe exists where Kenny G is still relevant, and it has intersected with our own.

If you haven’t noticed the change and believe that adult contemporary alto sax player Kenny G always was and remains relevant, let us tell you about our universe before students in Hong Kong protested in favor of freely nominating and electing their own leaders.

In our universe, Kenneth Bruce Gorelick — or, to his friends and people who survived the Cosby Cancellation Riots of the late 1990s, Kenny G — released two inexplicably, yet massively successful albums: Duotones in 1986 and Breathless (get it!?) in 1992. He was the Norah Jones of what musicologists would later term the Hootie Era, and then he gracefully disappeared.

But, in the intersecting alternative universe, Kenny G became a popular performer in China and recorded a song, “Going Home,” that is now the universally recognized audio cue for Chinese people to not necessarily go home, but stop staying in the venue playing it.

And, to make matters worse, neither side is entirely sure what his inter-dimensional presence at the protest means, but figuring it out is vitally important to both of them. Either he’s letting the protesters know that it’s time to clear the public square and go home, or he’s yet another Westerner trying to undo Chinese communism and, quite possibly, the fabric of space-time itself.

Whatever the case, we wish him all the success in the world. (Would you really miss this universe?)

| Posted in War on Animals

Death spider self-harms in order to person-harm

Look, maybe you think that we at SeriouslyGuys are slightly hyperbolic when it comes to our headlines, stories and attitudes, especially in regards to the war against animals. And perhaps our vocabulary palette is a lot stronger and more diverse than yours. But we will not apologize for our efforts to insure your safety! Especially when it comes to the Brazilian wandering spider!

The arachnid, referred by many sources as the deadliest spider in the world, is a hidden danger. It’s more aggressive than its ilk, much more deadly than others, can give male victims pain-boners and has no problem hiding in bananas. And that’s exactly what happened in London.

A family had earlier bought bananas, and intending to enjoy their daily dose of potassium, was horrified to find a Brazilian wandering spider on them! The father of the household dropped the bunch of oblong fruits onto the kitchen table, trapping the beast … or so it would seem. The spider proceeded to tear off its own leg, seemingly in an attempt to harm the family! Quick thinking prevailed and the family called in a pest expert, who was able to extract the monster from the house. An egg sac was also found and destroyed, but just in case, the only safe option is to burn down the entire Amazon.

| Posted in Facepalm, Headline of the Day, Nostalgia Craze Gone Too Far

Coming Soon: … A collection of plastic moving parts from a recent movie

Coming soon to a desk near you. (We're joking that it's a paperweight.) (Paper is chewed up tree pulp that we sometimes print text onto. Yes, like wasps.)
Coming soon to a desk near you. (We’re joking that it’s a paperweight.) (Paper is chewed-up tree pulp that we sometimes print text onto.) (Yes, like wasps.)

In case you younger viewers were confused by the piece of sci-fi alien tech that Starlord used in Guardians of the Galaxy, it’s called a tape cassette and actually comes from our own species’ past.

And now, you can buy one, even if you don’t have the means to play it.

And that’s a good thing because you don’t have the tool to fix your cassette when it eventually unspools.