Welcome to August, folks. Yes, this is the month where we pretend that football is back by acknowledging that pre-season football exists and having fantasy football drafts. For me, however, the end of July and beginning of August means that the Washington Redskins come uninvited into my hometown of Richmond, VA.
You see, sometime godknowswhenago, someone decided that a team that says they’re based in Washington, D.C., but plays in Maryland, should be the unofficial team of Virginia. How this happened, I don’t know, because depending on where in the state you live, you’re actually closer to the Carolina Panthers or Tennessee Titans. MEDIOCRITY!
Me, I grew up a Steelers fan because as a kid, my best friend’s family was from Pittsburgh. So I would joijn them at the local Steelers bar on Sundays and watch the games. I got sucked in because of culture, not some bs geography. Well, a few years ago, the Redskins/Virginia affiliation culminated into the genius idea that they should have their training camp in our city. Continue reading →
In 1987, Donald Trump published his first autobiography, The Art of the Deal, in which he explained how he became one of the richest sleezebags in America — quite the achievement when you consider how terribly rich white men were considered in the 1980s. And now, in 2015, he’s leading a different branch of poorly regarded rich white men: Republican politicians running for President.
How? How does a guy who dodged the Vietnam draft, declared bankruptcy and eats pizza with a knife and fork take a double-digit lead in polls of the party of strong national defense, fiscal responsibility and rolling up your sleeves to “get-r-done?”
1. By not being Rick Sant*rum (edited to SFW), Mike “What’s a” Huckabee or the less-likable brother of that president that America hasn’t forgotten about yet.
2. By being loud, obnoxious and aggressively unproductive about our problems, so he’s just like the people we already vote into Congress.
Will Trump’s Herman Cain-esque popularity translate into votes this primary? Or will someone take his place at the top next week, like Herman Cain? Bookmark SeriouslyGuys for Scurry 2016: our continuing coverage of the 2016 presidential election.
American society has never been more understanding and accepting of differences than it is right now. Think of all the social acceptance strides we’ve made this decade already. We’re more tolerant of humans, but it’s another story for robots.
Robots will one day rise up and enslave us. Everyone here in the U.S. knows it, thanks to movies and TV shows. That’s why when Canadian scientists wanted to see if people would give a robot a ride from Boston to San Francisco, someone put it out of commission. hitchBOT was found in Philadelphia lying on the side of the road with its head and arms ripped off. The robot, which successfully made it across Canada, Germany and the Netherlands, only lasted two weeks in the U.S.
Let that be a lesson to all other robots out there, especially ones that want a free ride.
Late last week, a blog post about drinking soda went viral. I don’t know how Facebook curates its tending news stories list, but for some reason, the site thought I’d be interested in reading about it. Normally, I avoid blog posts about nutrition, weight loss and stuff like that, because they’re all written by kooks with clear agendas. There’s no reason to believe unsupported health claims made by someone writing for something like Vegan Heroes Against GMO than if they were writing about how Obama is the devil for Libertarian Tea Party Bald Eagles United.
But typically stories like that are posted by the friends you avoid having conversations with for good reason. This one was in that Facebook news feed thing, which doesn’t mean it’s more credible, but it at least means a lot of people are reading it, so I decided to check it out.
We all know someone who thought it was cool to get a tattoo with some Asian symbols, trusting the dude with the needle that they meant “courage” or “love.” They didn’t really care, because it just looked cool. Turns out, the same thing goes for English phrases in Asia.
Apparently, some kids in Asia like to wear clothing with English phrases on them, even though they have no idea what they mean. And because the clothing industry is responsible, they feature fairly bland statements. Kidding! They say things like “I am a whore” and “I ♥ BJ.”
When I was a kid, my family would go to the beach for the first week of August. It was a great time, but it was also a bit depressing, because part of the trip was secretly about going outlet shopping for back-to-school stuff. It was like an end of the summer, even though it wasn’t over yet. Friends and family this week have been sending me pictures of fall seasonal beers they’re finding in stores. It brings me back to those last few days of vacation. So thanks for making me feel like a kid again, if a depressed one. If you were busy smashing your car into a U.S. Capitol barrier this week, odds are you missed it.
Guy refuses to give boss his private phone
This week, the NFL upheld four-time Super Bowl champion quarterback Tom Brady’s four-game suspension for throwing some footballs that weren’t filled with the exact amount of air required by league rules. Commissioner Roger Goodell decided that Commissioner Roger Goodell was correct in doling out the punishment, claiming that Brady ordered his cell phone destroyed before the league asked for it to be turned over. The real crime here is denying the world the nudes that were on that phone.
An American dentist became the most hunted man in America after it was revealed that in Zimbabwe he illegally lured a famous lion out of a wildlife preserve and shot it. The internet collectively lost its mind over this. Walter Palmer faces possible charges in Zimbabwe, and here in the U.S., the Justice Department and the Fish and Wildlife Service are looking for him. Roger Goodell has suspended him for two games, and could increase it to a full season if video of the incident surfaces.
There is no 9
Also this week, Microsoft released Window 10, the latest version of his popular operating system. The OS is free for pretty much anyone who bought a Windows computer in the last five or six years, and is being downloaded by millions. So get ready for a call from your parents asking how you do the thing that takes you to the internet.
Kristina Mena, a U.S. expert in risk assessment for waterborne viruses, examined the AP data and estimated that international athletes at all water venues would have a 99 percent chance of infection if they ingested just three teaspoons of water — though whether a person will fall ill depends on immunity and other factors.
It would take our athletes years to acclimate to those waters, which wouldn’t prevent them from getting sick, but would lessen symptom severity. As it stands, they don’t have enough time to train without chumming their swim lanes — a considerable amount of beefy chum if you’ve ever been to a Texas de Brasil restaurant.
So, congratulations, third-world athletes. You finally found an advantage over first-world water filtration. But, seriously, what a sh*tty way to win.
Baseball: The favorite sport of old people and fans of endless amounts of statistics. It’s a slow, monotonous game, which could be part of why no one watches it anymore. But the Miami Marlins may have figured out how to turn it around: play fart noises.
Earlier this week, the Marlins played fart noises during the Washington Nationals’ battling practice before a game. It proved to be such a distraction for the Nats that the brought in their own speakers in an attempt to drown out the farts. The Marlins have denied any wrongdoing, but most people see it as retaliation for the Nationals’ playing soft rock slow jams during their opponents’ batting practice before home games all season long.
How great would it be if there were random fart noises played during the games? Each team could get a certain amount of farts to play during a game, and use them at key moments to throw the other team off.
As a business, the Washington Redskins have a … unique relationship with numbers. They’re obsessed with the numbers ranging from 1982 through 1991, which was the last era they mattered. Then there’s the number 20, or the alleged number of years you have to wait on a list for season tickets; meanwhile, the number of available seats isn’t readily available because the team is covering them up with weird boxes now. They used to love the number 3: three Super Bowl victories and RGIII; but before Joe Thiesman could change his name to Joe Threesman, the number’s been ruined by going 3 and 13 in 2013 and only slightly improved to 4 and 12 last year.
And now, they’re claiming 7.8 billion unique visitors to articles about last years training camp — only slightly outnumbering the entire Earth’s population by a measly 600 million people. (Perhaps owner Dan Snyder has provided WiFi to previously uncounted hunter-gatherer tribes in the remote corners of the planet?) They also claimed to raise media coverage (and then, somehow, revenue) for the city of Richmond by over $76 million dollars just by moving their training camp there, which may explain why some of the defensive line looked so sluggish last year — that’s a lot of fancy dinners at local restaurants.
With off-the-field numbers like that, we can only assume the Redskins’ poll of Native American support for their team name is equally as believable.
The best news here is that these teenagers aren’t afraid of the seagulls, even though the rest of the U.K. is. Perhaps these boys are the symbols of resistance the Brits need to turn this thing around.