| Posted in Facepalm, Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia

Armed teachers already have a 100 percent success rate in eliminating threats

Here's one armed teacher getting ready to shoot an armed person in their head.
Here’s one armed teacher getting ready to shoot an armed person in her head.

Good news, RAM members and other Bandoleered-Americans: Idaho and Utah’s new laws that allow teachers with conceal-carry permits to bring their weapons to school are working! In only two weeks since Labor Day, a teacher in each state was able to successfully fend off a gunman with their own guns in their schools.

A chemistry teacher at Idaho State University shot an armed person in his classroom. And it was a good thing, too, because the classroom was full.

And in Utah, a teacher managed to shoot an armed person while in the bathroom before that person could reach the classroom with her weapon.

And that’s the beauty of the NRA’s “the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun” position: knowing a good armed person from a bad one can be complicated. But you don’t need to know who’s the good guy and bad guy if they’re both the same person.

(If you didn’t click the links, they shot themselves.)

| Posted in War on Education, What a Reach!

Because white people are dumb and easily confused

A Las Vegas woman has jumped into the spotlight because tourists are dumb. The owner of Isis Artistry, a makeup store, shares a name in common with the Islamic group. Because the memory of dumb people has only a four month capacity, people assume that the Isis in Isis Artistry is the same as ISIS.

As opposed to Isis.

Or Isis.

Or Isis.

| Posted in MasterChugs Theater

MasterChugs Theater: ‘I Know That Voice’

As long as I can remember, I’ve always been fascinated by voice acting. Still watching cartoons as an adult, I love going to IMDB to look up who voices characters on things I watch. Because of this fascination, when I heard that John DiMaggio (voice of Futurama’s Bender among hundreds of other things) was making a documentary about the world of voice acting called I Know That Voice, I was immediately on board.

What’s interesting about I Know That Voice is that, consistently, every single person interviewed agrees that voice acting is not about coming up with silly voices, it’s about acting. Coming up with voices is part of the job, but being able to emote, and play a character in that voice is where the true talent lies in voice acting. Continue reading

| Posted in Regular Post

Go big or go home

We at SeriouslyGuys believe in going hard. If you’re gonna do something, do it at 100 percent or more. Are you working out? Do the full workout. Are you raking the front yard? Rake the front and the back. Trying to steal an ATM?

Steal a forklift in order to steal the ATM … but if you don’t also steal the ATM in question, then it’s all for naught.

| Posted in It Must Be Science!, Too Soon?

Sun’s out, guns out

Going goth may just save your life.
Going goth may just save your life.

If you’ve ever wondered why repeated listenings to Johnny Nash’s “I Can See Clearly Now” have driven you to suicidal thoughts (Just me? OK.), statistics may now know why.

According to a new study published in JAMA Psychiatry and data collected by the CDC, there is “a positive association between the number of suicides on a particular day and the hours of sunshine,” meaning more people kill themselves on sunny days.

We’re also more likely to do it in the spring, while December has the fewest suicides of all months. So, take that Holiday Seasonal Affective Disorder and shove it to Easter. Which, when you think about it, is the more depressing holiday season between Mardi Gras STIs, Lent, crucifixions and rabbits that lay eggs.

Researchers aren’t sure why the sun drives us to offing ourselves, but one factor may be light itself. Increased light improves our drive to do things and decreases our serotonin transferrals, making us even more impulsive. So, if you’re depressed, stay indoors!

… Oh, you’re already walled up inside of your home with the windows taped shut? Good.

| Posted in Booze News

Do you hate your friends enough to buy them a beer?

Then you can go home make a candle out of it, and weep for your lost dignity.
Then you can go home make a candle out of it, and weep for your lost dignity.

Remember back when Facebook had the “poke” feature? You could click the button on someone’s profile, and the next time they logged in, it would let them know that you poked them. Hours of fun!

Anheuser-Busch is taking all the fun of the poke and combining it with bros icing bros. If you live in Chicago or Denver, you can now send someone a voucher for a free Bud Light via Facebook. The genius of the prank is that it’s twofold. First, you end up hating your friend for suggesting you like terrible beer, then it wears you down, say after day, until you get desperate enough that to take that voucher to your local bar and humiliate yourself by turning it in.

Finally, you wallow in shame for what you’ve done as you nurse your free beer.

| Posted in Regular Post

SG is the hero to your children

In what sounds like a story one might find in The Berenstein Bears, thievery is afoot! A patch of 100 onions, grown by fifth graders in Maine, were completely stolen. The children are let down, as they grew the root vegetable for the homeless.

Allow us to solve the crime. The culprit is either:

  • the newest seller at the farmer’s market with a giant bushel of onions to sell
  • whoever reeks of onions

You’re welcome.

| Posted in Regular Post

Motorcycle, like you, runs on bacon

Are you happy now, internet? Your bacon craze has gone far enough.

A Minneapolis man has a motorcycle that runs on bacon grease. We know what you’re thinking, and yes, it is stupid to own a motorcycle in a city that only sees temperatures about 40 degrees for three months a year. Even worse is the idea that you have to collect a whole lot of bacon grease to get your ride to work.

Eric Pierson did that and more. He rode his motorcycle all the way to San Diego for the city’s Bacon Fest and Film Festival over Labor Day weekend. We imagine he smelled great on the highway.

| Posted in Eat My Sports

Eat My Sports: NFL kickoff

You guys get it? I made a NFL pun and an Antonio Brown joke in the same headline!

OK, let’s go ahead and address some things from the get go:
-Any Dallas Cowboy fantasy owners, beware.
-There’s one elite defense left, and it rhymes with “Mehawks.”
-Peyton Manning is 14TD behind Brett Favre (congrats, Brett, for the first time in four years, you’ve made my column).
-It’s going to be a long year in Baltimore.
-if Week 1 is any indicator, comebacks will be the story in 2014.

Week 1 is always the fun part of the year, it’s the classic overreaction to every win and loss, and hey, even if you lost, you’re team is taking the long way to 15-1.

A few teams should go ahead and put panic mode into full throttle, and that’s Dallas, Washington and Baltimore. The Giants looked bad, but they at least played competent football for a half. The Skins looked like they had never played on offense together, and Dallas looked like a defeated team from the beginning. It’s going to be a rough year in the NFC East.

The Ravens, as many of you know have had the worst kind of week. All the negative media attention and heading into a rivalry game in a short week in a prime time game. The Ravens helped put themselves in this situation for the Ray Rice matter, but you can’t imagine that things are going to get much better in Maryland. It looks like crab cakes are the only thing they’ll be doing.

It’ll be fun for us to head into Week 2 knowing that there are some glaring things we need to take a look at, but maybe Brown will give us a kick start on Thursday night.