| Filed under What a Reach!

Putin: #dopelivesmatter

In this case, the little guy is an extremely jacked, yet surprisingly lightweight pole vaulter.
In this case, the “little guy” is an extremely jacked, yet surprisingly lightweight pole vaulter.

Between invading and annexing other countries and launching cyber-attacks to rig our elections, you’d think Russian President Vladimir Putin would be too busy to make a stand for civil rights. And you’d be wrong, because — when the International Olympics Committee enforced their ban on nearly the entire Russian track and field team for systematically and flagrantly covering up performance enhancing drug use — Putin stood up for the little guy.

Putin called the IOC’s decision to ban everyone in the Russian track and field system from the 2016 Summer Games in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil “discrimination.”

‘We can’t accept indiscriminate disqualification of our athletes with an absolutely clean doping history,’ Putin said. ‘We cannot and will not accept what in fact is pure discrimination.’

Putin’s right: the Russian government worked hard to make sure that all of their athletes had a clean doping history. It’s not fair to those who followed his government’s rules of doping without getting caught that they should have to stay home with the f*ck-ups who got caught.

This is pure discrimination against good guys on drugs, who are the only ones who can catch up with and stop bad guys on drugs, thanks to the modern athletic field. Pharmaceutical-Russians (and Pharmaceutical-Americans for that matter) are people, people who were born to not be afraid of needles or consequences. We can’t punish them for their very nature to overcome nature.

#dopelivesmatter

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Scientists want you to drink cockroach milk

Are you hungry? Do you want to not be? Then read on!

The world’s resources are only so vast, and people need to eat. That means that science needs to find ways to keep our exploding population fed with that we have. Sometimes, that takes us down a dark, dark road.

The next step on that path is cockroach milk. The Pacific beetle cockroach may not technically have nipples, but it gives birth to live young, which is rare in the insect world. To sustain its young while they are embryos, the roach forms protein crystals. Scientists think they can sequence and reproduce the crystals. That means a nutritious beverage that comes from cockroaches, of all things, could save humanity.

But what mixes well with it?

| Filed under Regular Post

Green foam closes Utah road, as foretold in Book of Mormon

Cleveland isn’t the only city invaded by a blob this summer. There’s something in the sewers of a Utah town and no one has any idea what it is. It’s so bad that roads have to be shut down.

In Bluffdale, Utah, officials closed a road after a green foam started oozing out of a storm drain. They don’t know what it is, or whether it is friendly or means us harm. State officials stressed that it is probably not algae.

So rest easy, Utes Utahans, that foam in your water supply could be supernatural for all we know.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Seagulls attack people because of ants, study says

Once again, the English summer is marked by crazy seagulls. We told you about gull attacks last year, but it seems they’re even worse now, and it’s all because of ants.

According to a new study, English seagulls are acting strangely because they’re eating so many ants. The weather conditions in England, America’s beta version, have produced a bumper crop of flying ants this year, and they are leaving their nests early, too. This means the seagulls can easily gorge themselves on the insects. Researchers believe the ant-laden birds act a bit drunk because of how the ants react in their bellies, which makes them more prone to attacking humans.

The science is clear: we must wipe ants from the safe of the Earth, or mankind will never be safe.

| Filed under That Wacky New Zealand, War on Animals, Warrior of the Week

… And a kiwi shall lead them

All this because New Zealanders really identify with walking Koosh Balls.
All this because New Zealanders really identify with walking Koosh Balls.

Governments used to do great things. Build great walls. Shoot type-A people to the moon. Cut down entire rainforests through a little chemistry and economic inferiority complexes. And just when it seemed like those days would never come back, a little island nation on the completely other side of the world dares dream of killing every rat, weasel and feral cat on its soil.

New Zealand’s Prime Minister, John Key, unveiled an ambitious plan to eradicate every invasive predator that waves of arrivals from England and other points north introduced in the great immigration push to one day make a live-action adaptation of The Lord of the Rings.

Key’s plan is inspiring because he’s not going after an easy-to-hate species like mosquitoes. No, unlike Bill Gates, he’s not a fair-weather animal warrior. He wants $2.3 billion to kill adorable mammals, including feral cats. Braving the Internet’s wrath is not an accomplishment to take lightly; that’s motherf*ckin’ leadership.

Of course, he has his critics. But the only ones that The Guys take seriously are the ones saying Keys needs $20 billion. We presume this is to build the world’s largest tree-shredder and fund a rodent buy-back program.

So, in the Kiwis’ words, good on ya, Prime Minister! You’re our Warrior of the Week.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Orange is the new red edition

On the first night, Trump missed his mark on the entrance by one foot.
Trump missed his mark on the entrance by one foot.

For the past two weeks, Pokemon Go has been taking over the world. Players of all ages have been geeking out over the game. They have been invading social media with their constant posts about their finds, and invading private property and restricted access areas like military bases, prisons and hallowed graveyards. They got upset when people made fun of them, or complained they didn’t care about their posts. Folks, I’ll make you a deal: I won’t post about my imaginary football team this fall if you stop posting about make-believe animals you find with your smartphone. If you were busy copying off of someone else this week, odds are you missed it.

Fear and loathing in Cleveland
This week, the Republican National Convention was held in Cleveland — as if that city hasn’t seen enough hardship. The event had everything: a voting controversy, an ethics controversy, Rudy “I Was Mayor on 9/11” Giuliani yelling like he was at Wrestlemania, racism, homophobia, xenophobia, transphobia, funny hats, chants about imprisoning opponents and Donald Trump yelling a speech about how everything is terrible but he will fix it. All the hard work Leni Riefenstahl put into the event really came though.

Kanye vs. Swift III
Taylor Swift found herself in the middle of a new controversy after Kim Kardashian posted video of Kanye West getting an OK on lyrics for his new song from Swift over the phone. She had previously denied she knew anything about her mention in the song. And because it’s a scandal, it’s only a matter of time until Hillary Clinton is involved somehow.

Something wacky in the water
Authorities in a small Colorado town warned residents to bathe or drink tap water this week after THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, was found in one of the town’s wells this week. To which the locals replied, “Dude, no drinking water? How are we supposed to get rid of this cotton mouth?”

| Filed under Scurry '16

Trump: Queen B of the Republican Party

"I know it was you, Ted. You broke my heart."
“I know it was you, Ted-o. You broke my heart.”

Republican presidential nominee, Donald Trump, was disappointed that his former rival, Sen. Ted Cruz, refused to endorse him at the Republican National Convention. So disappointed, in fact, that he logged into his preferred situation room for dealing with all manner of crises, be they people shot in Orlando or Rosie O’Donnell needing to be put in her place, to express himself: Twitter.

In fact, it was so not a big deal that he also made it clear today that he wouldn’t accept Sen. Cruz’s endorsement, even if he gave one, proving twice in as many days who’s the real Queen Bitch of the Republican Mean Girls.

Keep in mind that it took the Republican-approved (He’s yours now, guys. Own it.) presidential nominee four days, more than half a week, to sort of renounce the endorsement of David Duke, the former Grand Wizard of the KKK who still espouses white supremacist ideas. But it took him only two to preemptively reject an endorsement that’s never coming from Ted Cruz.

The Guys can’t decide who this reflects more poorly on: Trump? Actual, active racists? Or Ted Cruz? Gun to our head, the only loser in this is America. F our lives.

| Filed under Booze News, War on Animals

Share a drink with tiny primates

Ever get drunk and climb up somewhere high? Turns out we’re not the only primates that do that.

You can add slow lorises and aye-ayes to the list of animals you can drink under the table. Researchers  found the small primates have a penchant for booze. The animals they studied showed a clear preference for nectar that had been fermented, over the lower-grade or non-alcoholic stuff.

Scientists say this shows that the ability to process alcohol played a part in primate evolution. That means drinking is in your blood.

| Filed under Booze News, It Must Be Science!

Science: Drink your way to a happy marriage

If you’re like The Guys, you’ve got two loves in your life: your significant other and your drink — and usually not in that order. Science now has an indicator of whether you two can go the distance. What is it? You both need to drink as you get older.

According to an analysis of American couples over 50, dissatisfaction with spouses was more common if both parties didn’t drink the same amount. It appears to be especially true in women. Researchers found that couples that drink together (or don’t drink at all, but that’s not a real choice) were more likely to express satisfaction with their spouse. It backs up the findings of an earlier study. Scientists don’t know why, but it seems obvious that you care less about your significant other’s annoying traits when you’re getting crocked.

So, drink together for the kids.

| Filed under Regular Post

Chinese at war with the Colonel

Patriotism looks weird, whether directed at a KFC or a Dixie Chicks concert.
Patriotism looks weird, whether directed at a KFC or a Dixie Chicks concert.

It was only a matter of time before there would be casualties from China’s supervillain-esque plot to conquer the South China Sea by filling it in with dirt and cheap pharmacy toys. Of course, we don’t mean the fish and reef wildlife displaced, crushed and bleached to death — we’re at war with animals first and, last we checked, the Chinese are humans.

No, we’re aghast that — in response to a U.N. tribunal calling China’s artificial island program environmentally disastrous and, worse, not an legal means to claim more maritime territory — the Chinese people are lashing out at the two most American people they can: Apple and KFC. (Corporations are people, after all.)

Chinese demonstrators are smashing their iPhones (which their slave labor built) and boycotting KFC. In the Chinese patriots’ defense, though, the Colonel’s creepy, smiling portrait is the closest thing the U.S. has to a military presence in their country.

And, really, they’re not wrong. If fried chicken doesn’t represent the U.S., then what does? It’s just a little weird to us Americans because we don’t rage at any fast food restaurant until they issue an opinion on homosexuality.