But before you start shaking and stirring your way to the world’s first slurred operating system, keep in mind that there are limits. It has to be within a closed space so that the vapor doesn’t drift away unreceived. And you probably have to drink enough vodka to drown a Kossack to breathe your way halfway through “www.bangbros.com” in binary.
It’s cold and flu season, so it’s important that everyone does their best to stay as healthy as possible. Sure, there’s sleeping and eating right, but ask yourself, “Am I drinking enough booze?”
According to a recent study, there’s a decent chance you need to drink more alcohol to keep your immune system at its best. Researchers at Oregon Health and Science University gave booze or sugar water to 12 rhesus macaques. Some monkeys drank heavily, some moderately, and because some had sugar water, none at all, over the course of 14 months. (Quite a bender, even by our standards.) The scientists found that the moderate drinkers’ immune systems responded the best to vaccines. Which suggests the same thing could be true for humans.
So remember, top yourself off to stay in tip-top shape.
You did it again, didn’t you? You waited until the last minute to buy your Christmas presents. Or, even worse, you found out somebody you didn’t suspect got you something, and now you have to reciprocate.
If you really wanted to, you could go out, brave the roads and stores and hope that you find something perfect. But you don’t. And that’s why you’re in this spot now.
There are a couple of ways out of this mess with far less trouble. Here’s my definitive guide to this year’severy year’s hottest passive-aggressive gifts.
Every year, we face animals encroaching on our institutions merely to illustrate humanity’s foibles and follies. Almost exactly one year ago, a monkey in IKEA showed us how ridiculous we look in fluffy coats while shopping for incomplete furniture. This year, a bear has taken up residence in a vacant home, parodying our financial and real estate problems.
A real estate agent found the bear hiding in the vacant home’s crawlspace. The bear had taken refuge during New Jersey’s annual bear hunt. Searchers have yet to find the bear’s diary in the crawlspace.
People, we wouldn’t bring up a ridiculous situation if it weren’t for Ericka Marie Danna. The Oklahoma woman is being charged not with disturbing the peace, but also attempting to bring contraband into a jail (a worse charge than the former) after a pipe was found in her va-jay-jay.
Police say it smelled like weed. That might be the worst part of this story: someone smelled the pipe after they found it.
In Florida, one of the biggest fronts in our War on Animals, one tactical genius may have figured out how to defeat our enemies: use them as currency.
Police charged a Miami man with illegally capturing an alligator, after they say he tried to trade one for beer at a convenience store. The gator was about four feet long and still alive, so really, that should be worth a case or two. Unfortunately, the clerk, and the authorities he called, didn’t see it that way.
If you run a promotion that’s connected the game of football, you should probably understand how it works. For example, the Seattle Seahawks have had a very stingy defense this season. The New York Giants, on the other hand, have had an utterly piss-poor offense. When a top level rush defense collides with a bottom of the barrel rush offense, you tend to bet on the defense.
Step back from those ledges, childless pandas. It turns out that the Atlanta Zoo’s super-fertile panda, Lun Lun, has failed her home country and species.
While it normally takes three years for a panda’s sex to become visibly detectable, zookeepers cut to the chase with DNA testing … and probably wish they hadn’t. Not only are Lun Lun’s twins that were born this year both female, but her 3-year-old son Po is also a girl.
The zoo’s Chinese counterparts have already sent their condolences to Atlanta, along with a dumpster. The loosely translated attached note read, “You know what to do,” in Mandarin.
Let it be known throughout all of Texas that if you steal Christmas decorations, you will never see the light of day again.
A 43-year-old woman in Texas is getting 70 years in jail for Christmas this year, because last year she was apparently stealing people’s decorations and then turning around and using them for a contracting business. So, there are services out there that will put up Christmas lights for you?
Apparently, she has something of a wrap sheet. Let’s hope the prisons in Texas have chimneys.