| Filed under Drunk of the Day, War on Robots

Drunk man fights back against robot uprising

In the upcoming war against robots, it’s best to have a few shots of courage in you before going into battle, as one brave California man demonstrated when he decked a security robot. Let’s back up a bit.

Mountain View, California is smack dab in the middle of Silicon Valley, so it shouldn’t be surprising that there are security robots patrolling the streets at night. These aren’t the armed enforcer robots that will one day round us up into prison camps for our own safety. Rather, they’re 300-pound, oval-shaped things that basically patrol around and record movements.

Police say one such robot was walking the beat when a drunken 41-year-old man knocked it over. Rather than spur an anti-robot riot like it should have, the act ended up in prowling and public intoxication charges for the man. The robot was largely unharmed, and is back out there making sure humans stay in line. Always watching, always watching.

| Filed under Regular Post

U.K. under attack from fatberg, superslugs

Be glad you don’t live in the U.K. — unless you live in the U.K., in which case, run! It sounds like the entire country is a nightmare right now.

We recently told you about how the sewers of Cheltenham regularly back up, and it seems the problem has only worsened since then. Indeed, the whole town was paralyzed in fear after a “fatberg” blocked up the town’s entire sewer system. The solidified blob of fat made it so people in town couldn’t even flush their toilets. The blockage was cleared before it spilled onto the streets, but we probably haven’t heard the last from it.

If that wasn’t enough, a new race of superslugs is invading Britain, albeit very slowly. Researchers say that an invasive species of slug, which is from Spain, is breeding with a native species and creating a hybrid. The Spanish slug is larger than the British slug, and likes to eat stuff like dead mice and its fellow slugs, and it’s an attractive meal for native predators. The hybrid species has these tendencies, but with the native species’ tolerance for frost. It is a race of superslug that is poised to take over the country.

Our thoughts are with our allies at this time.

| Filed under Eat My Sports

Eat My Sports: So, About That Aaron Hernandez …

We’re almost a week to the day of when I woke up to text messages from my friends starting at 6:30AM “dude, Aaron Hernandez committed suicide.” I have no earthly idea why, because quite frankly, it’s literally morbid curiosity that ever since I learned of the murder of Odin Lloyd almost four years ago, I have been absolutely fascinated with the story of Hernandez.

I think the thing I can most liken it to in our lifetime is the O.J. Simpson story. It got national headlines, has still to this day ever evolving storylines that you can’t believe and overall leaves you with the overwhelming feeling to keep asking “why?” Continue reading

| Filed under Sex Sells, War on Animals

Endangerous Tinder liaisons last chance to save white rhino

It’ll take at least $9 million dollars to convince these handlers to jack off a rhino. Donate today.

We suspect that Kenya doesn’t use Tinder much. Because, if they did, they’d know that most people aren’t using the app to get pregnant. Nearly the opposite, in fact. But, if the Ol Pejeta conservatory is aware that most casual hookups aren’t looking to continue their species, they aren’t showing it in their latest attempt to save the white rhino: a Tinder profile for Sudan, the last known male of his kind.

The conservatory needs to raise $9 million dollars to extract Sudan’s sperm and fertilize eggs from two of the last female white rhinos. They tried the old-fashioned way, but apparently Sudan wasn’t able to make a successful connection. (Be careful swiping right, ladies. Ol’ Softdick’s likely to call you a “whore” if you don’t respond to his messages right away.)

Surprisingly, though, the profile/marketing gimmick is working. Tinder users in 190 countries have swiped right on Sudan’s profile — so many that they crashed Ol Pejeta’s Web site, which is where the app redirects hornballs.* So, if you thought you were going to get with 6 feet and 5,000 pounds of horny fury, you’re not only going have to settle for 5’8, 195 pound Chad, but you might not even get to help Sudan.

And, hey, who knows? Maybe Sudan will be able to get it up again for his fans once the pressure’s off to make a baby.

| Filed under Regular Post

Robber forced to read illegible note to store clerk

Robbing a bank or store seems pretty easy because employees are instructed to comply with demands from robbers. (Not that we’re encouraging you to do it.) You walk in, hand the teller a note saying that you want money and are armed, then walk out with the money. But you may not need the note after all.

In Ohio, a Family Dollar store was robbed even though the store clerk couldn’t read the robber’s handwriting. According to authorities, a 22-year-old man handed the clerk a note reading. “This is a robbery, please be quiet. Don’t let your pride get you killed.” A chilling note if you can read it. But the chicken scratches weren’t legible to the clerk, so the robber was forced to read the note out loud. The man left with the contents of the register, but was later arrested, police say.

This is why they need to teach penmanship in school.

| Filed under Regular Post

Delta subjects passengers to Kenny G performance

If you’ve flown on an American airline in the past 40 years, you know that flying sucks. (Thanks, deregulation!) But recent events may indicate we have reached a low point in the exceptionally awful experience. Sure, we had a paying customer bloodied and kicked off an overbooked flight, sure, we had a flight attendant be aggressive toward a mother holding her children, then challenge a male passenger to a fight, but there is worse. And worse is Kenny G.

Trying to one-up United and American, Delta forced passengers to not only sit through a live Kenny G performance, but to fork over money for it. During a flight from Tampa, Florida to Los Angeles, a flight attendant announced that the crew was raising money for the charity Relay for Life, and that if they raised $2,000, Kenny G would get up and play for everyone. Once they reached the targeted amount, Kenny G made good on his threat.

They basically held people hostage, then guilted them into donating money for a punishment. That, friends, is nothing short of diabolical.

| Filed under War on Animals

Turkey gets Wal-Mart greeter fired

The weather is warming up again, which means that animals are renewing their assault on Wal-Marts across the country. Yeah, remember that?

In Wisconsin, an 88-year-old Wal-Mart greeter has lost his job all because of a wild turkey, and not the drinking kind. According to reports, Bob Tallinger has been a greeter for eight years, and he just watched as a turkey sauntered through the door of his Wal-Mart. He probably even said hello, because that’s his job. But management didn’t like how he didn’t try to shoo the turkey out, or notify someone to get it out of the store. So the bigwigs let him go.

Now this elderly man is out of a job, probably forced to spend time with the woman he’s been married to for 50 years. And it’s all because of a stupid turkey.

| Filed under Zombies

Canadian cemeteries filling up, that’s how you get zombies

In Dawn of the Dead, we learned that when Hell is full, the dead will walk the Earth. If the same is true for graveyards, Canada is in some serious trouble.

All across Canada, cemeteries are running out of space to bury people. For the past 25 years, Canadian optimism has allowed them to build and build, without actually adding new cemeteries. Since the population of Canada hasn’t dropped, the math is simple. They’re basically playing a massive game of “Musical Chairs” with corpses.

But the real question here is what this will mean for Canada. Will this cause the dead to rise? Will our neighbors to the north be overrun by terribly polite zombies? Stock up on weapons now, just to be safe.

| Filed under Regular Post

Demonic possession is grounds for divorce in Italy

Zuuly, you nut!

Here in America, they hand out divorces like free samples companies used to give out before they had budget cuts. But it’s not nearly that easy to end your marriage in Italy. In some cases, it takes an act of Satan.

An Italian court has granted a man a divorce from his wife because she is possessed by the devil. He claimed that since 2007, the woman has been displaying unusual behavior, which include an incident where she threw a church pew wind a single hand, and eyewitness account of her levitating. A priest, a monk and even her own sister attested to the woman’s strange behavior, and if people like that will testify against you, you’ve got to be a huge bitch.

Reportedly, exorcisms haven’t worked, and doctors can’t find a medical explanation for the woman’s behavior.

This guy has been living that “There is no Dana, only Zuul” scene from Ghostbusters for 10 years — without 300 ccs of thorazine. He should be up for sainthood.

| Filed under Regular Post

Michigan fish doing the Dew after soda spill

We take our water for granted. At best, we assume it will the bland, colorless, tasteless liquid that is somehow acceptable to both drink and bathe in. But what if we could make it more awesome?

In Livingston County, Michigan, local waterways are now heavily caffeinated after a massive spill of Mountain Dew syrup at a bottling plant. A tank holding the syrup, which is added to fizzy water to make soda, burst, allowing 7,200 gallons of it to make it down the drain and into a retention pond. Because the syrup mixed with water, it is now technically Mountain Dew.

Look out, Flint. Your water supply is about to become EXTREME.