| Filed under War on Robots

Driverless cars won’t be free until all drivers are eliminated

The more we rely on technology, the more beholden we become to it. The robots are coming for us, so it’s no shock that a driverless car is attacking humans.

In the Dominican Republic, a video has surfaced of a group of people watching a self-parking Volvo car do its thing, only to be run down by the intelligent machine. Volvo claims that such a disaster wouldn’t have happened if the owner had purchased “pedestrian detection” for the vehicle.

What’s painfully obvious is that the car did detect the pedestrians, which is why it targeted them for termination.

| Filed under Regular Post

U.S. finally interested in soccer

The U.S. hasn't aggressively pursued charges against this many Europeans since Nuremburg, which now makes soccer the Indiana Jones of sports.
The U.S. hasn’t aggressively pursued charges against this many Europeans since Nuremburg, which now makes soccer the Indiana Jones of sports.

Just when it looked like America was going to have to pretend it still likes baseball while the other good sports take the summer off, here comes soccer!

Despite never caring about soccer to date, no matter what your DC United fan friend claims, our government finally found a reason to give a sh*t about that sport that’s like hockey, only without any of the parts that make hockey good. That reason? Arresting Europeans and f*cking over Russia.

U.S. law enforcement is looking into the culture of corruption that is world soccer management after Russia and Qatar appeared to buy the 2018 and 2022 World Cup locations. And also countless other bribes, money laundering, blah blah blah, let’s not miss that we’re sticking it to one country that’s balls deep in Ukraine and the other that hosted Sex and the City 2.

How long will our interest in soccer last? June, once ESPN starts televising NFL grounds keeping teams sod operations in preparation for the 2015-16 season.

| Filed under Regular Post

Wisconsin may approve pink so that ladies will hunt

Hey ladies, why don’t more of you hunt? It’s not like you don’t have the same freedom to sit in the frigid woods for hours on end hoping that a deer wanders by at some point.

But don’t worry, women, Wisconsin has figured it out. You’re not allowed to wear pink. Lawmakers in Wisconsin are working on a bill that would allow hunters to wear pink, a move they hope will get more lady hunters.

It’s so simple. We can apply this anywhere in society. Why aren’t there more women CEOs? Because pink isn’t legal! Why aren’t there any women players in the NFL? They only wear pink one month a year (meanwhile, women flock to lingerie football leagues). Let’s fix this, men.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

The best part of getting it up

"You do not want to see my penis before my morning coffee."
“You do not want to see my penis before my morning coffee.”

Most people claim that nothing happens before they have their daily coffee. And one of those things might be erections. And, no, we don’t mean construction work. We mean your penis.

Researchers from the University of Texas found a 42 percent reduction in erectile dysfunction in men who drank between 171mg and 303mg of caffeine a day, or roughly two cups of coffee.

So, the next time your boss asks you to bring him a cup of coffee, don’t be disgusted because he’s clearly trying to force you into some outdated gender role. Be disgusted because he’s going to have an old man boner soon.

Penis.

| Filed under Booze News

More proof that beer is the key to immortality

Mark Behrends is 110 years old. Once you hit that level, you’re only asked one question. Say it with us know: “What’s the secret of your longevity?” Behrends says beer is the reason he’s been around long enough to see two different centuries.

That’s a great thing. It seems like every week there’s another study talking about how beer is good for us. The only thing here is that Behrends said he drinks only one beer per day. Can you imagine? Who drinks just one beer?

On second thought, nobody wants to live forever.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Anti-vaxxers look forward to resurrecting newly endangered rubella virus

"Concerned parents are go! Repeat: concerned parents are go! This is what we read questionable scientific resources for, people!"
“Concerned parents are go! Repeat: concerned parents are go! This is what we read questionable scientific sources for, people!”

Officials from the Pan-American Health Organization issued a new challenge to parents who have a Google degree in medical science, announcing that the rubella virus is no longer being transmitted in the Americas thanks to a 15-year vaccination campaign.

Already, forces for substituting concern and a bachelor’s degree in Liberal Arts in place of actual medical knowledge have started mobilizing, planning to rescue the virus from the endangered species list.

“It is a disgrace that third world countries can protect this important RNA-based species while corporations are allowed to freely destroy it in a so-called industrialized nation, ” said noted immunological authority, Bill Maher.

“While I cannot host the virus myself due to vaccinations, I look forward to giving my children the opportunity that my parents denied me,” added actress/model/basically-a-scientist, Jenny McCarthy.

Fortunately, anti-vaxxers already have a headstart on rubella since its vaccine is part of the combined MMR vaccine that they’ve already opted their children out of.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Aliens

We’re going to be invaded by space bears, math says

If aliens are out there, they are probably bear-sized, according to math.

Mathematicians somewhere have said that their calculations show that alien life forms are most likely to be the size of a bear, and the likelihood decreases with the size, from there. Also, they’ll probably weigh about 700 pounds.

These conclusions are based on Bayes’ theorem, which we know as a reader of this site you’re familiar with.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals

Vegetarianism winning war on pandas

Species traitors tipped their hand by using the panda as the symbol for making humanity too weak to win the War on Animals.
Species traitors tipped their hand by using the panda as the symbol for making humanity too weak to win the War on Animals.

We already knew that PETA was an insidious threat to humanity. We just didn’t realize how far their attempts to undermine the War on Animals goes. While, yes, not eating meat means fewer animals die, it also might mean the end of our species, just like the giant panda.

For whatever reason (it was probably to impress a girl), pandas stopped eating meat 2 million years ago. In all that time, however, they never really adapted biologically to a nearly all-bamboo diet. They still lack the multi-chambered, complex digestive tract and gut bacteria to get enough nutrients from greens.

Researchers now believe that it is this lack of nutritional energy that causes pandas lackluster sex drives and general lethargy. They have to eat all day and still need 12 hours of sleep. And now they’re almost all gone.

Make no mistake: this is what vegetarians want. Be a proud animal warrior and eat a damn steak. And then mate! MATE, with your beefy breath!

| Filed under War on Education

The Ozzy Osbourne method of education

It’s not easy to reach children these days. They’re little assholes, and they think they know everything, and the education system fails to help. And that means it’s tough being a teacher. That’s why it’s important to shock the kids.

In South Korea, a brought a hamster into his classroom, then bit the hamster to death and swallowed it in front of his students to show how precious life is. Now, liberals may call this animal cruelty and emotionally scarring for the children, but we praise this teacher for going against the educational establishment.

We bet that class is quiet for him now.

| Filed under Eat My Sports

Eat My Sports: Lack of appeal

Robert Kraft made one of the most logical decisions in recent NFL history today. His dropping of the appeal of the NFL’s $1 million fine as well as the loss of draft picks simply saved the Patriots as well as the NFL a public dragging out of what has been one of the most embarrassing and drawn out controversies in recent years.

Do I know the particulars of the conversation Kraft had with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, but I imagine it went something like this:
Kraft: You have no basis or scientific proof that we did anything.
Goodell: You’re really going to try and convince me and the public that the term “deflate” is used around your team as weight loss?
Kraft: Uh …
Goodell: You look bad enough as is. Drop it because you and I both know that your team was willingly breaking a little known rule.
Kraft: But science …
Goodell: Let it go. Continue reading