| Posted in Regular Post

Dr. King Schultz, much?

Most people tend to dread going to the dentist. With all the pointy needles, shiny lights and insistence on so much flossing, it’s understandable to have some apprehension.

Studio Dental’s probably going to make those fears worse.

A dental office in San Francisco, the company’s now partnered with tech companies in SF to bring a mobile office. And by mobile office, I mean a trailer that comes to your office. Slogging through the day? Why not brighten it up with a speedy trip to the dentist at your office and then be back to your desk to slog through the day?

Because no one wants that.

| Posted in You Missed It

You Missed It: Secondary security edition

Real TSA agents carry their poker chips with them at all times.
Real TSA agents carry their poker chips with them at all times.

There’s a lot of NASA-related stuff out there lately. Of course, it’s the 45th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing, but also, NASA officials said this week that they expect to find some sort of extraterrestrial life in the next 20 years. Here’s a question for them: How do they know? NASA isn’t exactly the best at keeping things on schedule. We should have been to Mars a dozen times over by now. But how can anyone possible estimate when mankind will find evidence of life on other planets? That’s like saying 200 years ago that we’re close to discovering indoor plumbing. If you were busy getting meatballs thrown to you in the All-Star game this week, odds are you missed it.

Passing the time in an airport
Authorities say a man decided to get a little drunk at a San Francisco airport, which led to other problems. He happened to be wearing a blue shirt and khakis, and decided he looked enough like a TSA agent to give it a whirl. He gave two woman pat-downs in a private area he set up for himself before he got caught. It’s getting harder and harder to tell the security people from the molesters.

Didn’t they kill Captain America already?
This week, it was announced that there will be a new Thor, who is a woman, and a new Captain America, who is a black man. Also, the much anticipated issue where Archie dies was finally released. In all, it was a bad week for white guys in comic books. Naturally, a lot of people who don’t read comic books had very strong opinions about the choices the writers made.

Also wanted: Anne Hathaway
It was announced this week that a few years ago, Russian hackers got into Nasdaq’s system, snooped around, and planted a “digital bomb” that could damage the trading system. Fortunately, it never went off. Experts believe that this was largely because Bane and his henchmen got out as soon as they had what they wanted.

| Posted in Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, War on Robots

Japan wants to hasten the robot uprising

Japan’s population is shrinking. It’s one of the few countries that can say this. While they are doing their part to avoid overpopulating the world, it’s also a bad thing, because someone needs to take care of all the old people.

So Japanese researchers came up with a very Japanese way to solve the problem: more robots. They said in a white paper that robots could even be applied to agriculture and construction jobs, because everyone wants robots in charge or your food or making cat calls at you when you walk by.

Does Japan ever have good ideas?

| Posted in Regular Post

Farm animal sex just the latest weapon in the war against developers

Remember how it felt that in the 80′s and up to the mid 90′s, every other movie had a land developer as the villain. He (and yes, it was a he) may have been trying to get his hands on the land for the purposes of bulldozing it over and building, or perhaps he was trying to build a new community for yuppies. No matter what, a group of spunky kids got together and beat the odds, typically through skilled traps, paint and a competition exploiting a long forgotten law.

Now, in the year 2014, people fighting land developers just use horny farm animals. Because Florida.

Things sure have changed.

| Posted in MasterChugs Theater

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Oldboy (2013)’

The question that goes throughout Oldboy, the latest Spike Lee joint, is “Why?” Why has somebody taken the trouble to kidnap Joe Doucett, an alcoholic advertising executive, and lock him up in a fake hotel room for 20 years? Why has Joe been framed for a murder and then, after making a mental journey to madness and back, set free?

The very same question could be asked why Lee remade a movie that, not even a decade old, is easily regarded as an international movie classic. Why?

I mean, if you’re gonna do something someone’s already done, at least do it better, right? Okay, maybe not if you’re Spike. Continue reading

| Posted in War on Animals

The movies are weird

You might already be aware, but I kind of have a thing for movies. That doesn’t mean that I condone everything having to do with them.

Recently, a movie theater in Myrtle Beach allowed a pair of chimps into the hallowed halls of film to catch a screening of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. That’s not fair! I haven’t even seen Rise of the Planet of the Apes yet, much less this movie. There’s no darn good reason that an ape should see a movie before a human!

And then, a sculpture of a box of popcorn was unveiled in Indiana. Except, at 15 feet tall, it’s the world’s tallest popcorn box, despite not actually having any popcorn in it. So, you know, there’s that.

| Posted in Booze News, It Must Be Science!

A microscopic worm can drink you under the table

Bad news, people. There exists a type of worm that can’t get drunk, and it’s all science’s fault.

Researchers at the University of Texas genetically engineered a type of roundworm that can’t get a buzz no matter how much it drinks. Stop for a minute, and think about how a group of scientists spent their workdays getting worms drunk, then contemplate how much your job sucks.

But it’s not all bad news. They say the discovery could one day lead to drugs that can block the effect of alcohol withdrawal (hangovers). It could even one day keep people from getting drunk at all, which sounds like hell.

| Posted in Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Beware of car

Ford almost named the Fusion the Kidbaker, almost creating the first recall of a car based on historically shady  labor practices during WWII. Fortunately, their trademark lwayers blocked it based on potential confusion with the Studentbaker.
Ford almost named the Fusion the Kidbaker, almost creating the first recall of a car based on perceived shady labor practices during WWII. Fortunately, their trademark lawyers blocked it based on potential confusion with the Studentbaker.

Although we live in one of the safest countries in the world, Americans are obsessed with the idea of injecting lead into the ones they love (even though nothing’s really made with lead anymore). We crave convenience and the ability to own dangerous objects, even though they are more likely to kill our children, pets and elderly than a home intruder.

I am, of course, talking about cars.

Despite dozens of news articles every summer (often about the same three cases), America’s infatuation with the automobile leads otherwise reasonable people to leave their friends and loved ones in the car with the safety locked, often while holding up a liquor store for “just a few minutes.”  Continue reading

| Posted in War on Animals

Snails: the latest biochem weapon

Just to be safe, we know not to respond to emails from Nigerian princes. While, yes, being completely swindled out of all of your money is good way to revitalize the concept of Social Darwinism, ultimately, our race has too much pity to allow it to happen. Another thing you probably shouldn’t do: respond to the email if said prince from Nigeria contacts you about snails.

A crate of giant land snails were confiscated at LAX, having been sent from Nigeria. It was stated that their purpose was for consumption.

People, while we’re all for the elimination of animals, be smart about it. Said aforementioned snails are illegal in our country because they carry a disease harmful to us. Also, they’re disgusting. Luckily, government officials got it right this time by incinerating the pests. Gold stars for all!

| Posted in Headline of the Day

Can you say the N-word with a mouthful of taffy?

This is an especially risky recruitment move considering the South's high rate of diabetes.
This is an especially risky recruitment move considering the South’s high rate of diabetes.

If you can say the N-word with a mouthful of taffy — and you’re white and not Catholic or Jewish — then congratulations! You just passed the KKK entrance exam!

The South Carolina-based Loyal White Knights distributed bags of candy, each containing the phone number to their recruitment line, along with standard Fox News talking points about illegal immigration.

The Guys are beginning to suspect that nobody with good intentions ever gives out free candy.