Most of today’s National Dog Day media focuses on how much comfort and companionship dogs provide us, which is a PR nightmare for our ongoing War on Animals. Fortunately, there’s one news agency that isn’t falling for the cuddly animal angle that our enemies push: Fox News.
Whether you’re Trump supporter or an anti-vaxxer, you know not to trust what you read online unless it’s an image quote someone shared on your wall that lines up with your personal biases. The rest of us sheeple tend to believe things that we read. Science says we should know better.
According to a recent study, pretty much everyone online is lying about something. Some of us make up things to support their pet cause, others lie about their appearance. And some even lie about things that interest them. Turns out, we all just want to seem cooler, more attractive and carefree. The Guys, who are all extremely handsome, promise we’ve been truthful.
But then, you read it online, so perhaps it’s not true.
Superhero movies this summer, while mostly disappointing, all dealt with whether vigilantes with superpowers should be held accountable and controlled by society. So it’s fitting that this is now a real-world issue.
In upstate New York, a man in a Batman costume and a Captain America mask stole a couple cases of Budweiser (“America”) from a convenience store. Because when you have a superhero thirst, one case just isn’t going to do it. Was this Batman? Was this Captain America? Or was this a clever commentary on how superhero movies have devolved into two-hour-long beer commercials? Who can save us from this menace?
One thing we do know: the runs won’t just be in the tights.
In the past several years of covering presidential elections — and some mid-terms because, contrary to what the Greens and Libertarians think, we elect people every year to leadership positions besides President — The Guys have seen various disclosure trends. If someone’s running against a millionaire, they push to release tax returns. If running against a black person who may have been born in Kenya, they push to release birth certificates, college grades and possibly even drug tests.
Suddenly every blues song ever written seems justified.
According to researchers at the University of Texas, women are genetically programmed to cheat. Women, especially childless women, are predisposed to cheat on their mate as a means of a backup plan. They argue that way back when, it wasn’t too common for people to live past 30, so having a side piece in case your mate died made sense, and it got bred into us.
Better go home and read all the texts on her phone.
It’s the end of August folks. That means one thing if you are red-blooded American: football is almost here. More importantly than football being back, fantasy football is back! Where for three glorious months you get to take credit for the accomplishments of others. You’re the only person on the planet who knew Antonio Brown was good, you had the guts to draft one Robert Gronkowski, ONLY YOU KNEW THAT AARON RODGERS CAN THROW A FOOTBALL REALLY WELL!
Over the years I’ve come to acknowledge how both stupid and genius the concept of fantasy football is, but the best part is that it leads to smack talk and bragging rights amongst you and your friends. Continue reading →
The seagulls’ blitz on the U.K. continues, in case you forgot that we aren’t the only ones being attacked. As you may recall, this onslaught is becoming a summer tradition.
Now it seems they aggressive gulls are taking the battle indoors. One such angry bird broke into a grocery store, or whatever they call them over there, in Truro, England. The seabird swooped down on customers, and was so aggressive that the store had to be evacuated. The dive bombing was brought to an end when the gull was captured and released outside.
Not wanting to be the bad guy and dump someone right around a holiday with a lot of judgmental family and in-laws.
Not having the money to hire an attorney until March after Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and Valentines.
What the study doesn’t figure in is if the holiday or vacation encourages divorce afterwards. For instance, who thought Disney World on Christmas break — the one week that the entire Western world has off — was a good idea?
Just to be safe, if you’ve been a turd for the past few months, The Guys suggest putting some effort in until Labor Day if you plan to keep your family. After that, they’re pretty much locked in for another year of disappointment.
I’m pretty excited that preseason football is back — not because I watch it, but that it means real football is right around the corner. My wife and I have to spend a lot of time at home these days because we have a newborn. If it weren’t for the Olympics, there’d be nothing in the way of sports to watch. Late summer baseball is tedious, no one watches golf and NASCAR isn’t a sport. Preseason football is just as unwatchable as anything I just mentioned, but it means there’s hope, and that’s what we all need sometimes. If you were busy signing off of your Comedy Central show this week, odds are you missed it.
What Did Ryan Lochte Do?
This week, American swimmer Ryan Lochte, who probably sees Flea’s hair stylist, reported he and some teammates were robbed at gunpoint during a night out in Rio de Janeiro. Turns out he and his buddies, all of whom are adults, trashed a gas station and urinated all over the place when they weren’t allowed to use the restroom. The truth about the incident wasn’t known for days because of NBC’s tape delay.
Not always greener
According to a recent poll, things aren’t looking good for Green Party presidential nominee Jill Stein. More Texas voters said they would vote for old favorite Deez Nuts. To be fair, they probably thought the pollsters asked if they would vote for Truck Nuts.
Russian ally out of power
Capping off several days of shake-ups, the Trump campaign announced that Paul Manafort would be stepping down as chairman. The guy has experience getting dictators in power, but couldn’t make it happen this one time. The next Trump campaign chairman? You guessed it: Ryan Lochte.