Authorities turn up heat on hot yoga founder

In hindsight, we’re not sure how anyone didn’t assume he’s a date rapist.

Authorities are on the hunt for Bikram Choudhury, the founder and namesake of Bikram or Hot Yoga. You may have heard of this from someone casually dropping into an unrelated conversation that they do yoga. Well, that fitness name drop is ruined forever, because Choudhury is now basically the Bill Cosby of stretching.

A judge in Los Angeles has issued an arrest warrant for Choudhury, who may have fled a $7 million dollar sexual harassment and wrongful termination suit by his former attorney by leaving the country. The lawyer, Minakshi “Miki” Jafa-Bodden, claims that Choudhury fired her after refusing to cover up allegations that Bikram raped and sexually assaulted a yoga student.

Police are now unleashing the dragnet, believing Choudhury fled to Mexico after hiding his assets. But, that was their first mistake: by turning up the heat, they’ve made it easier for Bikram to slip through any traps.

Children of divorce can blame skin, bowel issues on parents

If your parents are divorced, and you have health issues, congratulations, you can blame that on Mom and Dad, too!

According to researchers in Spain, children whose parents are divorced are more likely to have neurological, gastrointestinal or dermatological problems, or even problems with their genitals. Researchers believe that the ailments are all related to stress, which is linked to the splitting up of the parents.

Stay together for the zits.

Highway to the early bird dinner zone

“Every time you hit the links, you’re unsafe.”

While marketing for some other film we won’t see where Tom Cruise runs with knife hands, he announced that a sequel to Top Gun “is going to happen,” and “filming will begin probably within the next year.”

Now, before we all dust off our bomber jackets, let’s pause a moment. It’s been 31 years since 1986’s Top Gun. Sources claim Cruise and Val Kilmer will be in it. But, unless they’re admirals, they won’t be in uniform. (Well … shouldn’t be.)

So, if you’re still excited about Top Gun 2: Adventures in Contracting, where Maverick and Ice Man are from rival contractors vying for work in Naval Aviation Program Management Offices that buy new dongles for F-18s and Joint Strike Fighters, then you might be a very faithful Scientologist.

Eat My Sports: NBA Playoffs hot takes

We’re a couple of games away from the NBA Finals, which means we’ve been in the midst what is normally one of my favorite stretches of sports throughout the year, baseball is starting to get into swing and the NBA playoffs are normally must see TV. There’s just one problem, the league got too top heavy with Cleveland and Golden State, and the playoffs have just been awful. So, with that being said, here is what this god awful brand of basketball has taught us.

The disparity between Cleveland and Golden State and everyone else is disparaging
We have learned over the past seven years that as long as your team has LeBron James, you’re going to the Finals, and Golden State has just stacked up the most loaded team ever. What this leads to is the Cavs and Warriors getting bored in the regular season, then when it counts, they flex their muscle and absolutely floor every other team. The NBA is the only pro league where the best team always ends up winning. In a seven game series, you can’t just get hot enough to beat the better team. Continue reading Eat My Sports: NBA Playoffs hot takes

Drink your tits off

In the decision between heart and breast health, The Guys are firm believers that it’s what’s under your ribs that count.

Not to be a buzz kill, but a new report from the World Cancer Research Fund and the American Institute for Cancer Research reinforces a connection between daily drinking and breast cancer. And not in the good way like daily drinking and heart health. More like daily drinking and liver health.

According to research, sipping an impossibly small amount of alcohol a day — like, who only drinks a small glass of wine or only 8 ounces (half a pint) of beer? — corresponded with “a 5% increased breast cancer risk in premenopausal women and 9% increase in postmenopausal women.”

So, for those keeping score at home, the score between drinking and not drinking remains dead even. If that doesn’t call for a drink, we don’t know what does.

Man passes out on parked car, wakes up traveling down interstate

It’s something we all learn in driver’s ed: when you get in your car, check your mirrors to make sure there’s no drunk person passed out on your trunk.

In Memphis, a couple had a sinking feeling when they got pulled over on the interstate, but it turned out not to be for a driving infraction. The police officer who pulled them over asked them if they knew that there was a body on top of their trunk. They did not.

They soon discovered that a drunk guy had passed out on their car in a downtown parking lot, and because the couple didn’t notice him there, he laid there, curled up and unconscious, for 14 miles on the interstate.

Police haven’t charged the drunk man, which is good, because there is no way they have a law on the books against having someone else drive you home when you’re drunk.

Turkey: U.S. police interfered with standard institutional violence

Freedom isn’t free … ♩ ♪
As Americans, we often fail to recognize that what we call vital to free speech are not universal measurements. For instance, we defend the expression of the otherwise indefensible, like Richard Spencer doing god knows what with his mom’s backyard Tiki torches in the name of “white separatism” and statues that nobody wants anymore. Just as long as he doesn’t physically attack anyone. (Although, it’s fair game should anyone want to hit him. That’s what happens when you become a Nazi. Ask a German.)

This is probably a surprise to our ambassador to Turkey, who was called in by their Foreign Office to hear complaints about our police force trampling the free speech rights of their security forces to beat down protesters.

On May 16, local police reported that Turkish security officers charged at and started beating the pacifism out of protesters outside of their embassy in Washington, D.C. Nobody is claiming that didn’t happen because the whole thing was caught on video.

But, the Turkish government has taken umbrage with the “aggressive” way our security and local police forces got in the way of Turkey’s beatdown —  a perfectly normal expression by the Erdogan government back home.

Apparently, that’s where their free speech ends — right behind fists thrown by dudes in Oakleys. Tomato, domates, are we right?

Fish attack California elementary school

It was nearly lunch time when the attack happened. Fish raining down from the sky as helpless schoolchildren looked on.

In California, our animal foes carried out a cowardly attack on an elementary school, undoubtedly targeting children. Authorities say just before noon, a whole lot of fish fell from the sky, striking the campus of Stanford Avenue Elementary School. State officials say the fish were a species of carp not found in the river near the school, and offered no answers as to how the attack was carried out.

Fortunately, no humans were hurt in the suicide attack. No animal groups have claimed responsibility at this point.

Study: Journalists’ brains don’t work good due to booze, caffeine

Journalists are all idiots, just ask your average Fox News viewer. In terms of popularity, journalists often poll lower than lawyers, but still ahead of members of Congress. Now, scientists believe they have figured out why reporters are so dumb.

According to a study, journalists’ brains are inhibited because they drink so much alcohol and caffeine. Neuroscientist Tara Swart found that their brains’ executive functioning skills were lower, which was attributed to dehydration (from alcohol), caffeine, and foods high in sugar. However, their brains were better able to spot patterns that weren’t immediately obvious.

Even the dumbest of journalists will point out that the study has not been peer-reviewed, and had a sample size of just 31. This drunken, jittery reporter is happy to donate his brain to science if there’s another round of tests.

Steer, deer attacks on the rise

We feel safe when we’re in civilization. We’re around other people, we’re close to bathrooms, and we generally don’t have to worry about animals. Maybe nowhere is safe now.

In Tennessee, patrons where enjoying being inside of a Waffle House and, we assume, eating waffles, when they saw deputies trying to corral a steer in the parking lot. The steer had reportedly gotten loose and was making its way through the town of Cookeville. Authorities were about to get the steer into the Waffle House parking lot, but it managed to slip past the police cars and continue on down the road. We don’t know what actually ended up happening to it. The citizens of Cookeville are no doubt living in fear.

And in Minnesota, a Wal-Mart was invaded by a deer. The beast made it to the pet aisle before some hero tackled it and put it in a headlock. Unfortunately, the Wal-Mart shoppers took pity on their attacker, and set him free outside the store.