Dutch protester annoys Swiss, so they don’t let her be Swiss

Europe may be old and weird, but sometimes they have some commonsense solutions that we could learn from. Like denying annoying people from having passports.

In Switzerland, a Dutch vegan and animal rights activist has been campaigning for super important stuff like banning cowbells on cows in a Swiss town because of the supposed discomfort they give, and traditional Swiss practices, like pig racing, hunting and loud church bells. She’s been so annoying to the citizens of Gipf-Oberfrick that they decided to deny her a Swiss passport, which would have granted her Swiss citizenship.

If you have an annoying vegan who says everything your culture does is wrong, then wants to be a part of your culture, you can deny them–if you’re Swiss. We need that here.

Hawaii hits up adult site after missile false alarm

Symbolism.

Over the weekend, the citizens of Hawaii had the scare of their lives. A warning came in on their phones of a ballistic missile on its way, insisting that it was not a drill. The panic continues for the better part of an hour, until the news spread that it was a false alarm. What did Hawaiians do after hearing the news? They grabbed their phones or laptops and dropped trou.

The website Pornhub said it saw a spike in traffic from Hawaii immediately after the false alarm was sounded. A spike of 48% above the traffic for a typical Saturday morning, to be exact. This came after a 77% drop in traffic from the state during the missile panic.

Don’t judge Hawaiians until you’ve been through an ICBM scare yourself.

Armored vehicle assists man in wine theft

A convenience store robbery isn’t particularly big news, not even in Russia. However, when the robbery involves an armored personnel carrier, it’s news.

In Russia, authorities say a man drove an armored personnel carrier (think a tank, but without the huge gun) through the front of a convenience store, then hopped out and stole a bottle of wine. Police say the visibly drunk man stole the personnel carrier from a nearby driver training course, probably made the early-morning robbery because the store couldn’t sell him booze at that hour, and he didn’t want to wait. The man was later arrested.

The real news here is that training courses in Russia have armored personnel carriers, and apparently they leave the keys in the ignition.

No-fun New Jersey outlaws drunk droning

Don’t drink and fly. That’s the message the state of New Jersey has to say to you.

Flying a drone is fun for like three minutes, then it’s just a really noisy and expensive kite you have to watch. Most people would look to alcohol to make such mundane things entertaining again, but New Jerseyans don’t have that luxury any more, thanks to Chris Christie. On his final day in office, Christie signed a bill outlawing the operation of a drone with a BAC of 0.08% or higher.

This is of course a ridiculous law. There is a real threat to public safety for driving under the influence of alcohol, but that threat doesn’t exist with being drunk and flying a drone. The drone itself poses the same amount of danger whether its operator is sober or tipsy. Until the drones themselves are getting drunk before flying, we should keep alcohol and drone flying out of the law books.

You Missed It: In a hole edition

They didn’t send their best people.

It’s a new year. And with each new year come hopes of things to change for the better, as if the change of a digit on the calendar means that anything will be different from just a short time before. The world’s not going to get better unless you do something about it. I mean you, dear reader, because I’m not going to do anything. There’s beer to drink. If you were busy wearing black to an award show this week, odds are you missed it.

Norway deemed not a sh&$hole
This week, President Donald Trump made disparaging remarks about Haiti and African nations during a meeting with Congressional leaders on immigration issues. Trump asked why people from “sh&$hole countries” are being let in to the U.S., and why we can’t let in more people from Norway. Mr. President, the Norwegians had their chance. They came here 1,000 years ago and got kicked out. By your definition, they are a country of losers.

New year, new diet
Coca-Cola announced this week that it would be rolling out a new line of Diet Coke flavors later this month in a bid to boost its faltering sales. The flavors will be “twisted mango,” “zesty blood orange,” “feisty cherry,” and even “ginger lime,” which Coke says will be made with real redheads.

Heavy is the head
In a rare interview, Queen Elizabeth II remarked that one of her crowns weighs several pounds. She said it is so heavy that she can’t tilt her head down while wearing it because it would break her neck. So look for that exciting drama in season 28 of The Crown on Netflix.

Canada steals U.S. historic smokehouse

Tensions are high at the Canadian border after a building on the National Register of Historic Places wound up in Canada.

A winter storm last week (seems like we can’t stop writing about that thing) knocked the historic a building from McCurdy’s Smokehouse in Lubec, Maine off of its pilings and into the water, where it drifted across the narrows and ran aground on Canadian soil. At least that’s what the thieving Canadians claim happened. The old smoked-herring facility’s brining shed now sits in shallow water of Campobello Island.

Lubec authorities have complained that Canadian vandals are going to wreck the landmark before it is returned as planned next week. If that’s not a reason to go to war, we don’t know what is.

The arsonist birds of Australia

Australia is a terrifying place. Every animal native to the oversized island seems to have evolved to kill and eat human beings. And yet humans live there. Amid giant spiders, ripped kangaroos and bloodthirsty sharks, now there are birds that set fire.

According to a new report, some bird species have adopted a scorched-earth policy — not in fighting us — but to grab a bite to eat. Raptors (think falcons and hawks, not dinosaurs, yet) are spreading wildfires to flush out prey from their hiding spots, researchers argue. They take a stick from an existing brush fire and drop it someplace that isn’t on fire yet, and then wait for the critters to show themselves as their habitat burns down.

We think this can technically be considered an attack on mankind by the animals, because they burn people’s property. And it’s only a matter of time before they drop fires on houses to flush us out.

Winter in the South: Frozen alligators, iguanas

“Kill meeeee.”

In the War on Animals, a harsh winter could be our greatest ally. A cold snap in the Northeast was credited with killing sharks in Cape Cod. And the low temperatures are affecting animals in the Southeast, too.

Citizens in the North Carolina have been treated to views of alligators with their snouts poked above the ice in frozen swamps. According to experts, the gators can sense when the water is going to freeze over, and poke their noses above the surface and sort of hibernate until things thaw out. Until the swamps warm up, things just look creepy.

In Florida, iguanas are falling out of trees because of the cold. Temperatures dropped below 40 degrees Fahrenheit, which apparently makes iguanas think it’s a good time for a trust fall. The invasive reptiles aren’t built for such cold temperatures, and basically power down to the point where they can’t move, which causes them to fall out of trees. Floridians are finding these things just lying unconscious in their yards like the morning after an iguana frat party.

Unfortunately, the gators and iguanas are expected to survive.

‘Not tonight, I had a headache’

Nothing prevents headaches like Advil.

We’ve always wondered when men would have pill-form birth control, and it looks like we always have. Research indicates that taking the daily maximum dose of ibuprofen may lower testosterone production, resulting in at least temporary infertility.

The research team discovered this effect when studying high-level male athletes, who often take the highest doses of ibuprofen to treat and prevent muscle pain. This is especially bad news for The Guys, who are high-level drinking athletes — we already can’t take acetaminophen.

Statistics: You’ll shoot your eye out, kid

B-E S-U-R-E T-O W-E-A-R Y-O-U-R E-Y-E P-R-O-T-E-C … tion. A crummy anti-gun PSA?

Is it possible that, after 20 years of TNT’s 24 hours of A Christmas Story, a musical, and a live televised performance that we’ve reached Peak Ralphie? According to startling numbers on eye injuries from a new study in the journal Pediatrics, we have to either hope so or we’ll raise an entire generation of cyclopi by 2020.

From 1990 to 2012, eye injuries to children from nonpowder guns — including official Red Ryder, carbine action, 200-shot, range model air rifles (with a compass in the stock) — increased 168 percent. TNT’s all-day marathons started in 1997. And between just 2010 and 2012 alone, they increased by 500 percent; the musical premiered in 2009.

It’s clear that the rise of bad kids with airguns — and you know which ones are bad because of their eye patches and/or monocles — has nothing to do with the airguns themselves. This is about mental illness. If watching the same movie about a kid putting his parents through the wringer over a toy during the damn Depression isn’t insane, then what is?