Jive turkeys invade Boston

Turkeys are taking over Boston. And of course, conservationist traitors are just fine with it.

According to police records, complaints about turkeys in the greater Boston area have skyrocketed in the past three years. These earthbound birds walk around like they own the place and chase after any unarmed human who dares challenge them. Massachusetts wildlife officials say this increase means that efforts to bring back wild turkeys to the area really are working. But when it comes to human safety they stick their heads in the sand.

These things are regularly harassing people on their own property, and all these self-loathing wildlife folks can do is marvel at the foul fowl’s recovery.

Let’s all grab a musket and celebrate Thanksgiving in a more authentic way this year. For Boston!

Woman wrestles shark, throws it back in sea

Australia is known to have a fair amount of sharks off its coast. In response, Aussies have build a series of ocean pools, which allow them to enjoy seawater, without all the fun stuff like waves, filtration and freedom from shark attacks. But when human territory is invaded, animals must be put in their place.

In an ocean pool in Sydney, people sat along the side of the pool watching a shark swim around. Finally, Melissa Hatheier stolled over to the shark, picked it up, and threw it back into the ocean. Her daring move saved the day for all, and was captured on video. She is now being hailed as a hero, as well she should be.

Let’s remember that in Australia, pretty much everything is trying to kill you, so the people there are just heartier than you’d find anywhere else. Especially the women, it seems.

Crocodile invasion of London fake — this time

Yacht owners in London probably live a very posh life. Owning an expensive boat in one of the most expensive cities in the world is certainly a status symbol. And then one day you see a crocodile swimming towards you.

A boater in London’s Chelsea Harbor tweeted a video of what appeared to be a crocodile–or alligator, we forget the difference–poking its head out of the water and looking around. The man said that the bobbies had been called. After all the panic, it turned out to just be a pretty lifelike pond ornament floating around.

It seems obvious that this was the animals testing the London police response to such an incident. They will learn from it, and strike again.

Drink your menopause away

Hi ladies. You probably haven’t gone through menopause if you’re a reader of this site, but that day will come one day. And we’re here to tell you that you won’t have to fear all the negative symptoms, because you can self medicate with beer.

Portsmouth Brewery in New Hampshire (which The Guys have been to) has created a beer designed to alleviate the symptoms associated with menopause. Brewers consulted with herbalists to create a beer that has herbal remedies for stuff like hot flashes, sleeplessness and mood swings. They call it “Libeeration,” and it checks in at 6.1%, which is good, because being able to get a good buzz going can relieve a lot of different symptoms.

We’ll believe that a beer can stop mood swings when bars no longer have people crying in their drinks.

You Missed It: Buddy icon edition

Kids, this was our Snapchat.

We’re back here again, in a news comedy column, avoiding talking about something horrible that happened a few days ago. It’s Friday, and we’ve had plenty of time to overload ourselves, so I won’t bum you out. I’ll just say that we need to make changes happen now, and I’ll move along to the funny stuff. If you were busy calling your boss a moron this week, odds are you missed it.

The final away message
AOL announced this week that it is shutting down its instant messenger service once and for all in December. Your parents were reportedly very upset by this announcement.

The woke yogurt
This week, yogurt company Oikos dropped Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton from its ad campaign after he made sexist remarks about a woman asking him questions during a news conference. To show how sorry he was, and how mature he has become from this learning experience, in an apology video he promised to never laugh when a female reporter says “route,” “balls,” or “slot.”

The tomb of Santa Claus
Archaeologists this week announced that they believe they have found the tomb of Saint Nicolas in Turkey. They say his remains are likely in a church, and have further work to do to confirm it. So there you have it, kids: Santa Claus is real, he’s just dead. Sleep tight!

School emptied out because of pumpkin spice air freshener

Danger in the air prompted a Baltimore high school to be evacuated this week. It was a strange smell in the school that caused the panic.

On Thursday, students at Cristo Rey Jesuit High School reported a strange odor, some even coughed and had a tough time breathing. A few students and teachers were even taken to the hospital. In response, firefighters were called to investigate and the school was emptied out. Before long they found the source of the strange smell: a pumpkin spice air freshener.

The first clue should have been when the female students were unaffected by the odor.

Neighbors think Jack Daniel’s flag supports ISIS

Heritage, not hate.

Everyone gets so down on Americans. It’s constant comedy fodder to make fun of a fat, drunk ignorant American in U.S. comedy, and that trope has certainly made it overseas. The problem is that people in other countries forget that they suck, too. You know who sucks? The Swiss.

Switzerland is known for being an ever-neutral nation of people who can’t decide whether they want to be culturally German or French, as if it’s a hard choice. And good news, Americans, the Swiss have annoying neighbors, too! A man in Zurich flew a Jack Daniel’s flag outside his home because he likes whiskey and doesn’t know what warning signs are.

Before long, his neighbors wrote him a letter expressing their displeasure that he would fly an ISIS flag outside his house. His neighbors claim to know nothing about the letting, because the U.S. doesn’t corner the market on passive aggressive neighbors. Despite worries for his safety, the man has vowed to keep flying his flag, a flag that symbolizes freedom from sobriety, and dumbass neighbors.

Guy says aliens got him drunk, sent him back in time

It’s always been the favorite argument of time travel skeptics: If time travel is possible, why haven’t we seen any time travelers? That excuse just got blown to bits.

In Casper, Wyoming, police were called to a residence on Monday and found a man who said he was from the future. Also, he was visibly drunk. Authorities say Bryant Johnson claimed to be from the year 2048, and he had traveled back in time with an urgent message: aliens are going to invade next year, so prepare.

The future is weird. Johnson said aliens sent him back in time by filling him up with booze and having him stand on a pad. The aliens must have been drunk, too, because Johnson said he was supposed travel back to 2018, not 2017.

It’s been 48 hours, so there’s a good chance Johnson has that alien future booze out of his system. We’ll see if he has any other warnings for us in the days ahead.

Cry about it: Scientists can produce energy from tears

This week really isn’t off to a good start. Between Las Vegas and Tom Petty, there seems to be a lot to be sad about. But if there is any bright spot to be made, it’s that we have finally found a truly limitless source of energy.

Researchers in Ireland say they have found a way to harvest energy from human tears. Lysozyme crystals can be found in your tears and your saliva, and scientists have found that these crystals have an electric current if they are pressurized. That means that if we cry and drool enough, we can be our own sources of renewable energy.

Lysozyme crystals can also be found in the whites of birds’ eggs and in the milk of mammals. So if you’re sitting down to a mouthwatering breakfast that includes eggs and milk, and you’re crying about the mistakes you made the night before, we’re going to say your carbon footprint doesn’t exist.

Monkeys are plotting something in Ohio town

A Cincinnati suburb is on edge, as residents say there are monkeys in the trees.

Locals have reported seeing monkeys around town in Lebanon, Ohio. Sometimes they’re hanging out in the trees, sometimes they’re in peoples’ yards, they have also been spotted rocking out to someone’s music. The current theory is that the monkeys were pets that escaped and have been doing their own thing ever since.

Some residents seem remarkably chill about having dangerous animals roaming freely in their town. At some point, these monkeys are going to team up with squirrels, and then the chaos will really start.