MasterChugs Theater: ‘Born on the Fourth of July’
Posted on July 2, 2009
Filed Under MasterChugs Theater | Leave a Comment |
Oliver Stone’s Born on the Fourth of July is not an adaptation of the memoir by Vietnam veteran Ron Kovic, though that’s what the credits indicate. It’s most certainly based on it, but it’s not necessarily an adaptation of the memoir. It’s an indulgent style showcase for Stone, who, with his longtime cinematographer Robert Richardson, employs every act of film trickery imaginable that doesn’t involve CGI effects. Read more
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorJackson death mystery solved
Posted on July 2, 2009
Filed Under He's Dead, Jim, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
The media and the blogoshere are ablaze with the latest news on the death of Michael Jackson and the aftermath. Speculation abounds about what exactly killed the King of Pop while we wait for the toxicology report. Well the wait is over.
Remember Bubbles? He toured with Jacko for a little while in the late 80s, when touring with a wild animal was popular. (Bruce Springsteen toured with kangaroo.) For a time, Bubbles was famous, but he was famous for being Jackson’s second banana. And even if you like bananas, that fact can eat at you.
So over the decades since Bubbles sat quietly in his “wildlife reserve” retirement home in Florida, plotting to kill the monarch who ruined his life. He took time establishing connections in the underground, observing Jackson’s habits and trying to forget how to moonwalk. When the time came, he ordered the regicide. All from behind bars.
With enough patience, every major news story is part of the War on Animals.
Written by Bryan McBournieBeeGees make heart attacks more bearable
Posted on July 2, 2009
Filed Under Regular Post | Leave a Comment |
When Christopher Bader had a heart attack in the woods one morning, he thanked whatever god he worships that his wife was there.
Until she started singing the f&$king BeeGees.
Debra used the song “Stayin’ Alive” to time the chest compressions she adminstered to her husband. She picked up this nasty idea from an American Heart Association PSA.
Amazingly, despite the title song from the sequel to Saturday Night Fever, he pulled through long enough for paramedics to arrive and administer the defibrillator. But is it really worth living once that song gets in your head?
(Now you can tell us, suckers.)
Written by Rick SneeThe family that stays together, takes over the world together
Posted on July 2, 2009
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
And let’s be honest here: when your family has got roots in Europe, the U.S., Japan, Argentina and, frankly, all over the world, they’re probably on a better route of doing so than us.
Obviously, I’m talking about ants, but I’m specifically referring to Argentine ants. They’re spread all over the world, they refuse to wage war upon each other (which is humongous given that ants can be fairly territorial) and–worst of all–we’re helping them in their quest.
Yes, that’s right: you. By traveling all over the world, becoming jet-setting, high-flying, wheeling and dealing sons of a gun (W000000000!!!!!!!!), we’ve unwittingly mingled colonies with other colonies and created this super-breed.
So, what can we do to stop this? Well, obviously, we could the isolationist approach, but, frankly, I enjoy my foreign food too much to allow this to happen. The other choice?
Simple. The article mentions that ants live everywhere but in Antarctica. Clearly, the cleansing and purifying power of cold will save us. Freeze the ants! FREEZE THEM ALL!
(Courtesy of Groonk)
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorCanada still hasn’t had any real crime yet
Posted on July 2, 2009
Filed Under Regular Post | Leave a Comment |
On this past Sunday in Southern Ontario, Canada in a small city called Mississauga, a guy (or a few guys) decided they’d like to have some Xbox 360’s–a lot of them, truth told. Around 4:00 in the morning, a truck containing roughly 1,300 of the consoles was stolen from a trailer yard.
The security guard on duty was found bound and stuck under a nearby trailer. We’re pretty sure he’s been fired by now. But probably in a nice way, since it happened in Canada.
The value of the theft? Ballparking figures around US$670,000. Yeah, we were kind of hoping it would be worth more, too.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorGuns and boozers
Posted on July 2, 2009
Filed Under Headline of the Day | Leave a Comment |
In our “duh” moment of the day, we give you our headline of the day that confirms what nearly all of us should already know.
Written by Bryan SchoolsYeah, and some frogs can change genders
Posted on July 2, 2009
Filed Under It Must Be Science!, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Sit down.
Trust us, you need to be sitting for this. We know you’re usually sitting down when you’re on your computer, but we had to make sure. It sounds good, and besides, you may be reading this on your phone.
Sitting now? OK, good.
Salamanders can re-grow legs. That’s shocking enough, but now science wants to do the same thing to us. Let me just say right now that I enjoy living my live dry almost all the time. I enjoy breathing oxygen and I like having teeth, too. I have no urge to be a salamander.
Written by Bryan McBournieTake it from Snee: What Michael Bay doesn’t know
Posted on July 1, 2009
Filed Under Take it from Snee | 4 Comments |
There’s an old favorite insult of mine, that “what you don’t know could fill a book.” It’s used when someone confesses to ignorance in response to what someone else said.
What Michael Bay doesn’t know could fill an entire movie. The unfortunate thing for the Zuckers and Wayans of the world is that Michael Bay has made this film, and it’s Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.
If you’re one of the 70 people in America that didn’t see this movie, then let me warn you: there are spoilers in this article. I don’t say that to warn you, but to assure you that, by the end, you won’t be “at least curious” about seeing this movie. (You’re welcome.)
Just remember that, as you read each point, Bay is allegedly–by his own and others’ accounts–a very demanding director, prone to emotional outbursts and long hours to perfect his vision. His behavior is excused because, as much as he pushes others, he’s supposedly even harder on himself. Read more
Written by Rick SneePolitics: The only professional field for 12-year-olds
Posted on July 1, 2009
Filed Under Scurry '08 | Leave a Comment |
You may have noticed that this post is filed under Scury ‘08. That’s because this story reaches back that far.
You see, Todd S. Purdum wrote a piece on Sarah Palin’s vice presidential candidacy in the August 2009 Vanity Fair. He focused on insider sources about Palin’s political history, including anonymous sources from within the McCain campaign team, about what vapid, attention-whoring rednecks Palin, her family and close associates are.
Well, then Politico told us that Bill Kristol, editor of The Weekly Standard (of which it generally falls short) said he knew which aide it was that gave those quotes: Steve Schmidt.
No, not Steve Schmidt from North High who totally cheated on Becky Corngrave with that slut, Becky Rivers–or what we call “The Beckies Incident.” Steve Schmidt, McCain’s campaign manager.
Anyway, Schmidt was all like, “Who said that, Billy Kristol? Didn’t he tardhang with Dan Quayle? McCain’s my bro; I’d never say that. It was Randy Scheunemann.”
That’s right, the same Randy Scheunemann that left summer camp early, saying he had strep, when really it was because he was too stupid to pack any underwear and you could totally see his balls in his shorts. Anyway, he was McCain’s foreign policy adviser and Kristol’s renowned BFF.
Well, when Kristol heard Schmidt made fun of Scheunemann, he called Schmidt out on it, saying he’s a dick and pretended to be friends with Palin at first because she was cool when she was new, and then backstabbed her.
So, Schmidt said he and this hacker friend of his were looking through all the campaign email systems and found a link from “a very senior member to Bill Kristol.”
Scheuenemann confirmed his email had been hacked and called Schmidt “a f%#king Nazi.”
And then, “Schmidt suggested that Scheunemann had fingered Nicole Wallace.” Ew. I know, right?! He’s such a tool!
Oh, but Wallace swears up and down that she didn’t call Palin a diva. Her steady husband, Mark, says the same thing, but Scheunemann says Mark should know “something about divas because he’s [totally] married to a diva.”
So, as you can see, politics is a very serious business, without which our entire nation would fall apart.
Written by Rick Snee2 LEGIT 2 QUIT
Posted on July 1, 2009
Filed Under Pirates | Leave a Comment |
Yar! It be quite a scurvy world out thar, and not everyone be able ta cut it out in the land of serious business, also be known as The Intarnetz.
The latest crew to become permanent landlubbers be The Pirate Bay, the Stockholm-based piracy site that formerly be a peer-to-peer server which made video games, movies and music available for “sharing” among users, but most recently, be raided by Swedish commodores and the ensuing trial against the BitTorrent site’s founder resulted in a guilty verdict. No more though! The Pirate Bay now be owned by Sweden’s Global Gaming Factory X AB for the quaint sum of 7.8 million dollars. That be a lot of wenches and grog!
In a quote from Hans Pandeya, CEO of the buyers:
“We would like to introduce models which entail that content providers and copyright owners get paid for content that is downloaded via the site.”
“In order to live on, The Pirate Bay requires a new business model, which satisfies the requirements and needs of all parties, content providers, broadband operators, end users, and the judiciary. Content creators and providers need to control their content and get paid for it.”
Seems that legal fees be a higher priority than privateering, eh bucko?
Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor keep looking »