President Abraham Lincoln set Thanksgiving as an annual holiday back in 1863. He did it to inspire patriotism and keep more states from seceding. But instead we remember the Pilgrims, who were such tight-asses that even the super-religious England didn’t want them around anymore, and their first feast with Native Americans in what is now Plymouth, Mass.
While it’s true we’re off this week, please allow these real negative reviews of Plymouth Rock to tide you over. Makes you wonder why the Pilgrims bothered going there at all.
Are there any real musical mysteries left? I’m sure there will be some new ones, and there may be some minor ones that just aren’t top-of-mind, but I think the big ones are done. Earlier this year, Don McLean revealed what the hell “The Day the Music Died” was about, and it wasn’t that interesting. This week, Carly Simon opened up about who “You’re So Vain” is about, and it’s not one person, but several. Maybe these singers realize that thee people who care are dwindling, or they need a little boost in sales. At least we don’t have to hear about how mysterious they are anymore. If you were busy telling the world you’re HIV positive this week, odds are you missed it.
Make America 1942 again
There were all sorts of hot takes about what the U.S. should do with thousands of Syrians who are fleeing terrorists and a dictator. But the hottest take went to Roanoke, Va., Mayor David Bowers, who cited the “internment” camps the U.S. forced Japanese Americans into during World War II, suggesting such steps may need to be taken with these people who aren’t white like Bowers. This goes well with the city’s new slogan: “Roanoke: Guantanamo Bay, but With Southern Charm.”
Coffee: The elixir of life
According to a study released this week, drinking coffee can reduce your chance of several different illnesses, including heart disease. The study, which followed 200,000 subjects over the course of 30 years, went so far to say that heavier coffee drinkers had a significantly lower chance of death than those who drank little or no coffee. You know, just in case people who drink a lot of coffee needed something else to lord over everyone they meet.
Women just aren’t feeling it
It was revealed this week that Addyi, the female libido enhancer, has been prescribed just over 200 times since coming on the market in the U.S. earlier this year. The reason: most husbands aren’t doctors, and can’t prescribe it themselves. This is easy to fix, women will buy all they can if you slap a Kardashian face on it.
After nearly 50 years of unimpeded cookie menacing, the Cookie Monster has been arrested where all depressing crime stories end: Houston, Texas. Police caught the Cookie Monster using surveillance video from one of over 30 fast food restaurants that he robbed in the past two months, demanding a cookie with the money at each one.
OK, so it’s not the Cookie Monster. The furry blue monster that we all know in love is in treatment at a cookie methadone facility on Sesame Street. He is in recovery and, according to CM himself, “take one day at time.” He’s now able to enjoy cookies in moderation, calling them “sometime food.”
So, we believe that the Houston-area Cookie Monster can be rehabilitated and perhaps one day teach kids how to count calories.
What do we have in common with the turkeys we’re about to cook next week? What? No, we didn’t even notice your warbler. It’s that the most accurate way to take our temperature is through the flesh. Or, if you don’t want to stab someone (Dr. Carson), in da’ butt.
Ready to have your day ruined? Good, because we’re about to do just that.
According to a a recent study, you will never be more satisfied with your sex life than when you are getting it only once a week. We’ll repeat that: Once a week is the peak of sexual happiness. Researchers at the University of Toronto-Mississauga studied couples sexual habits, and found that both parties reported the most satisfaction, all things considered, when they were knocking boots only once every seven days. Any higher frequency, and things just weren’t as great. We don’t need to tell you that less than once a week didn’t make people happy, either. This is the second study in recent months telling us to cool it between the sheets. But what does science know?
In the immediate aftermath of 9/11, we passed the USA PATRIOT Act. (Like with most important bills, the crafters made good use of time to craft a strong, patriotic acronym for the title.) In the 14 years since 9/11, we’ve bravely stuck with it, replacing it with bills that minimally roll back the surveillance measures we originally agreed to. (They also had proud, powerful acronymic names, like the USA FREEDOM Act.) Courageously, we established that the only way to defend freedom is to sign it away.
In those years, we’ve taken strong stands against people who treated Ebola patients, no matter what egghead doctors said. Now, we’re bravely trying to deny refuge to people seeking to escape madmen so scary that, rather than face them decisively, we blow them up from New Mexico with flying murder-bots. (This is totally not like how our villains send robots after heroes in our movies. When we do it in real life, it’s courageous.)
And now, we’ve finally reached the point where we’re brave enough to not only deny sanctuary to people who have lived through the wars we ignore, we’re also courageous enough to call “internment camps” (a phrase we dashingly invented to separate us from cowardly Nazis and their dirty concentration camps) what they really were: a good idea.
But, it’s not just diseases and people that we’re standing up to. We’re also valorously roping off ideas we disagree with or that offend us, enacting safe zones and issuing trigger warnings to defend the sensibilities of those who might hear them. It takes a big person to tell Ann Coulter that, not only is she wrong about everything, but that we’d rather not tell her, please don’t come to our school.
And, when it comes to real issues, like passing budgets that might tax people or cut spending, we’ve punted a record number of years because punting is a term from football — the bravest sport in the world played by the bravest men who ever punched a woman or electrocuted a dog.
Here we are at the ass-end of 2015: still the land of the free and the home of the brave. Now please rise for the national anthem, and don’t you dare forget to put your hand over your heart. Or don’t you love your country?
Guys are just … not good at meeting and impressing women. Maybe because we’re not friends with a lot of women, we’ve developed some bizarre ideas about what women are, much less what they’re looking for in a man. That’s how we’ve mistakenly latched onto fashion trends like mustaches and skinny jeans — because nobody polled women. (And now none of us are polling women. Thanks a lot, Banana Republic.)
That’s why it’s no surprise that men took the old wives tale (after all, old wives were once MILFs and, before that, regular chicks) that the fastest way to our hearts is through our stomachs and applied the transitive property to it. Therefore, if the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach (A to B), then through our stomach is the fastest way to a woman’s heart (B to C).
What was really surprising, though, is that men eat 86 percent more salad with women than with other men. We were pretty sure that would be at least 100 percent more with women since male salad-eating just does not happen otherwise.
Also surprising? That the human species is still overpopulating the planet.
Australian police are looking out for some dangerous motorists. You probably guessed they let a kangaroo drive, and you’re somehow not thinking weird enough.
Police in Western Australia are looking for a group of men who went cruising around a beach town on two motorized picnic tables. They didn’t hit anyone, they weren’t drinking (although it would make sense if they had been). The “vehicles” aren’t approved for road use, and authorities say the lack of safety clothing means they were a danger to themselves as well as the public.
The smart money is that they left their getaway vehicles in a park.
Since the beginning of the 2012 NFL season we’ve been witnessing something that should not be humanly possible: a man with multiple neck surgeries, who has no feeling in his fingertips, breaking every NFL passing record there is. It should be noted that if you had the same surgeries as one Peyton Manning, that you probably shouldn’t play rough with your kids, much less have your body take on the equivalent of a car wreck 17-19 Sundays out of the year.
Nonetheless, Manning came back after he should have retired because one more Super Bowl ring and how he is perceived historically, means more than how his body is breaking down currently. The Denver Broncos gambles on him having enough left in the tank to get them over the top at least once, and by all accounts they really should have won it all in 2012 and 2013. But because he kept coming up short, and because he kept losing in the same situations he had in the past, Manning had to keep coming back for one more round for the chance to win it all and ride off into the sunset.
Depending on your definition of the greatest of all-time, Manning is either at the top of your list because of the way he has outsmarted defenses and been the smartest person on the field for the past 17 years, or he’s outside your top five because of postseason failures and the fact that he has won only one Super Bowl. I think he lies somewhere in the middle, both cases are too hard to ignore. Continue reading →