The more we rely on technology, the more beholden we become to it. The robots are coming for us, so it’s no shock that a driverless car is attacking humans.
In the Dominican Republic, a video has surfaced of a group of people watching a self-parking Volvo car do its thing, only to be run down by the intelligent machine. Volvo claims that such a disaster wouldn’t have happened if the owner had purchased “pedestrian detection” for the vehicle.
What’s painfully obvious is that the car did detect the pedestrians, which is why it targeted them for termination.
Just when it looked like America was going to have to pretend it still likes baseball while the other good sports take the summer off, here comes soccer!
Despite never caring about soccer to date, no matter what your DC United fan friend claims, our government finally found a reason to give a sh*t about that sport that’s like hockey, only without any of the parts that make hockey good. That reason? Arresting Europeans and f*cking over Russia.
U.S. law enforcement is looking into the culture of corruption that is world soccer management after Russia and Qatar appeared to buy the 2018 and 2022 World Cup locations. And also countless other bribes, money laundering, blah blah blah, let’s not miss that we’re sticking it to one country that’s balls deep in Ukraine and the other that hosted Sex and the City 2.
How long will our interest in soccer last? June, once ESPN starts televising NFL grounds keeping teams sod operations in preparation for the 2015-16 season.
It’s so simple. We can apply this anywhere in society. Why aren’t there more women CEOs? Because pink isn’t legal! Why aren’t there any women players in the NFL? They only wear pink one month a year (meanwhile, women flock to lingerie football leagues). Let’s fix this, men.
So, the next time your boss asks you to bring him a cup of coffee, don’t be disgusted because he’s clearly trying to force you into some outdated gender role. Be disgusted because he’s going to have an old man boner soon.
Mark Behrends is 110 years old. Once you hit that level, you’re only asked one question. Say it with us know: “What’s the secret of your longevity?” Behrends says beer is the reason he’s been around long enough to see two different centuries.
That’s a great thing. It seems like every week there’s another study talking about how beer is good for us. The only thing here is that Behrends said he drinks only one beer per day. Can you imagine? Who drinks just one beer?
Already, forces for substituting concern and a bachelor’s degree in Liberal Arts in place of actual medical knowledge have started mobilizing, planning to rescue the virus from the endangered species list.
“It is a disgrace that third world countries can protect this important RNA-based species while corporations are allowed to freely destroy it in a so-called industrialized nation, ” said noted immunological authority, Bill Maher.
“While I cannot host the virus myself due to vaccinations, I look forward to giving my children the opportunity that my parents denied me,” added actress/model/basically-a-scientist, Jenny McCarthy.
Fortunately, anti-vaxxers already have a headstart on rubella since its vaccine is part of the combined MMR vaccine that they’ve already opted their children out of.
We already knew that PETA was an insidious threat to humanity. We just didn’t realize how far their attempts to undermine the War on Animals goes. While, yes, not eating meat means fewer animals die, it also might mean the end of our species, just like the giant panda.
Researchers now believe that it is this lack of nutritional energy that causes pandas lackluster sex drives and general lethargy. They have to eat all day and still need 12 hours of sleep. And now they’re almost all gone.
Make no mistake: this is what vegetarians want. Be a proud animal warrior and eat a damn steak. And then mate! MATE, with your beefy breath!
It’s not easy to reach children these days. They’re little assholes, and they think they know everything, and the education system fails to help. And that means it’s tough being a teacher. That’s why it’s important to shock the kids.
Robert Kraft made one of the most logical decisions in recent NFL history today. His dropping of the appeal of the NFL’s $1 million fine as well as the loss of draft picks simply saved the Patriots as well as the NFL a public dragging out of what has been one of the most embarrassing and drawn out controversies in recent years.
Do I know the particulars of the conversation Kraft had with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, but I imagine it went something like this:
Kraft: You have no basis or scientific proof that we did anything.
Goodell: You’re really going to try and convince me and the public that the term “deflate” is used around your team as weight loss?
Kraft: Uh …
Goodell: You look bad enough as is. Drop it because you and I both know that your team was willingly breaking a little known rule.
Kraft: But science …
Goodell: Let it go. Continue reading →