| Posted in Sex Sells

More like New Humpshire

We're not too surprised at New Hampshire's moral flexibility. It's been scissoring Vermont since 1763.
We’re not too surprised at New Hampshire’s moral flexibility. It’s been scissoring Vermont since 1763.

New Hampshire is set to decriminalize “gettin’ some strange.” All that remains is for Gov. Maggie Hassan to sign it into law.

Adultery has been a stocks, lashing, jailing and fining offense in the state since 1791. However, theme parks turning the stockades into tourist attractions kind of took the sting out of the punishment, so it’s gradually become just an unenforced fine. (Also, the lashings typically take place in the bedroom during the offense now.) The last logical step was to just decriminalize it entirely.

So, if your spouse suddenly takes an interest in the Granite State, it might not be for the tax-free shopping.

| Posted in What a Reach!

Spread the golden, glistening idol on your toast

People, we’ll be honest: we’re so confused here.

For Easter, Erie County Executive Mark Poloncarz made a massively controversial yet understanding action and spared a butter lamb.

That would be a lamb. Made out of butter.

Poloncarz decreed that the sculpture would escape the tyranny that is Easter dinner. Are butter sculptures real things that are done outside of state fairs? And where does someone get enough butter to make a kneeling lamb?

| Posted in Regular Post

Draining the monster causes drain of reservoir

Portland would rather waste a precious resource than be honest with people.

On Wednesday, a teenager broke into one of the city’s reservoirs and peed in it, because it’s kind of funny. He was caught on security camera, and the city’s water bureau announced it will dump all 38 million gallons of drinking water in the reservoir because it would never “purposely serve tainted H2O to the public.”

The definition of “tainted” seems to be a little off, here. On a heavy day, an adult will pee roughly half a gallon in one day–mind you, that’s not all at once, unless you’re really been holding it. But let’s just say this kid killed a lot of beer, that would mean if you took a glass of water from the reservoir, it would be one-76 millionth pee. You can’t even spill that small of an amount. Your local beach has more pee in it.

This also assumes that this reservoir is located in a magical place where birds and other animals never pee or poop, because that would mean the Portland Water Bureau was purposely serving “tainted” water. Folks, no matter where you live, there is pee in the water you use to drink, cook and bathe. We recommend drinking beer instead. The hipsters in Portland drink piss water, anyway.

| Posted in MasterChugs Theater

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier’

In a matter of 6 years, we’ve been given 9 entries into the Marvel Cinematic Universe, the buzzword/term being spread by Marvel to describe the movies put out Marvel Studios. Most have been good. A pair have been the Iron Man sequels. Numero nueve is the sequel to 2011′s Captain America: The First Avenger.

And baby, is it good. Kids, go out now and watch Captain America: The Winter Soldier. You won’t be disappointed. Continue reading

| Posted in What a Reach!

Weenies win out over efficacy thanks to bureaucracy

Littering is bad. It’s a dumb crime to commit and aids no one. There are SO MANY BETTER, much cooler crimes than could be committed, but when people throw their trash into the street or the forests, that’s just dumb. Dummies. No one got laid by throwing their Hardee’s cup out the window.

Laurens, a city in South Carolina, managed to have fantastic signs put up that communicates why you shouldn’t litter that even people traveling at high speeds can figure out. So of course, a group of weenies are hurt and offended by the signs.

One of the signs, which reads “Don’t litter, Jack***, that means you!” and has a picture of a donkey, was taken down after being deemed inappropriate. Councilmember Sylvia Douglas perceived

“it as a bullying technique.”

So what’s a fine, taking someone’s lunch money?

| Posted in Facepalm, Sex Sells

NYC, rubber; Dominican Republic, glue

"I ❤ New York! I just don't ❤ it bareback."
“I ❤ New York! I just don’t ❤ it bareback.”

So, uh, if you’ve been looking for the free condoms New York City distributed everywhere and can’t find them, you could try looking in the Dominican Republic. (They’re always in the last place you look, like still in your date.)

Apparently somebody has gathered them up and shipped them over to vendors in DR, and they’re making a nice profit by selling what were free for 50 cents a pop. Or, if they don’t pop, a fill.

However, city officials aren’t about to do anything about it as the lost condoms don’t make up a large percentage of the number the city distributes every year. So, going back to the opening sentence: if you’ve been looking for free condoms in NYC, and aren’t finding them, then it’s not because somebody shanghaied them off to the Caribbean. It’s because you’re a lazy scumbag.

| Posted in Regular Post

The few literate Louisianians want Bible named state book

If all you know about Louisiana is what you’ve seen on TV, you probably think it’s a state full of rednecks, perverts, corrupt officials, more rednecks, Steven Seagal, and vampires pretty much everywhere you look. You may not be far off, but there’s so much more to the state.

Just look at how its state legislature is trying to better the lives of its citizenry. When they’re not refusing to take a homophobic, unconstitutional law off the books, state lawmakers are busy blurring the line separating church and state in other ways. The Louisiana House of Representatives is considering a bill that would make the Bible the official state book. Though some lawmakers warn such a bill could lead to First Amendment lawsuits if passed, supporters say making the official book of Christianity the official book of Louisiana doesn’t discriminate against other religions.

In case you’re wondering, no U.S. state has an official book, but two states have official children’s books. Michigan has a book you’ve never heard of, and Massachusetts, that bastion of conservative thought, has Make Way for Ducklings, which is seen by critics as a piece of Zionist propaganda.

| Posted in Ask Dr. Snee, Take it from Snee

Take it from Dr. Snee: Why Jenny McCarthy matters

This is what Nancy Grace sees in her mirror every morning ... unless we suddenly devalue plastic surgery and over-inflated self-worth.
This is what Nancy Grace sees in her mirror every morning … unless we suddenly devalue plastic surgery and scientific illiteracy.

So, Jenny McCarthy made a public statement about vaccines and autism again, most likely because of recent news about the mumps, measles and whooping-cough making huge comebacks based directly on views she and the rest of the Indigo Mothers Brigade foisted on the world.

Of course, McCarthy is denying ever saying that parents should not vaccinate their children (even though countless sources demonstrate that, yes, she most certainly did).

She also managed to repeat other dangerous advice in her “didn’t say not to vaccinate” letter like waiting to get certain vaccinations … while sitting in a waiting room with kids who have also not been vaccinated.

As a fake Internet doctor (a practicing internetalist), this matter concerns me gravely. But not because of Jenny McCarthy’s blithering celebrity supermom idiocy. I’m concerned that plastic surgery isn’t working anymore.

Continue reading

| Posted in Regular Post

Social Darwinism is dead

For years, we’ve hoped and believed in the concept of social Darwinism: the weaker, more negligent aspects and traits of our cultures and society would go bye-bye and as such, our world would become stronger. Slowly but surely, with the rise of reality television, the decline of reading, the erosion of the English language and the horsemen of the apocalypse known as Jeff Dunham’s puppets, my faith has wavered. And now it’s dead.

A mother lost track of her toddler-age son. Later, the son was found. Across the street. At the bowling alley. In a claw machine. When removed from the machine, the child was even given a stuffed animal.

That’s not how we should treat the situation. The child should have become the newest prize inside of the claw machine. Social Darwinism is officially dead.