| Filed under Sex Sells

The best part of waking up

Unless you’re a banker or cheese enthusiast, you’ve probably never felt the urge to travel to Switzerland. After a new cafe opens in Geneva, you may actually consider moving there.

A full-service cafe is in the works for the city, and by “full service,” we mean, “full-service.” Coffee enthusiasts would be able to enjoy their morning cup accompanied by oral sex from the prostitute of their choice. The business plan is sure to keep them coming back. Order your unusually expensive coffee, then select on an iPad the prostitute you want for your new favorite morning ritual. The cafe would be the first of its kind in Switzerland if it is approved.

The down side is that the cafe is sure to have long lines due to slow service.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

People who don’t shut up can blame genetics

Thanks to the internet, almost no one interacts with each other face-to-face anymore. Yet there are still some stubborn people who insist on being talkative no matter what. Turns out, it’s in their genes.

According to a recent study, the gene OXT may be the reason why some people just can’t shut up. They call it the “chatty gene.” The more the gene is expressed in a person, in general, the chattier they are. Scientists say this break through could lead to new medications to treat social anxiety and other disorders.

What we really need is to figure out how to turn that gene off on the person next to us so we can enjoy our flight in peace.

| Filed under War on Animals

Rattlesnake ruins wedding

It’s wedding season, which means some of you out there are getting free booze in exchange for a fancy gift and dressing up nice. It also means it’s time for that bottomless well of entertainment: weddings going horribly wrong.

In Colorado, one couple’s wedding was brought to a halt because of an attack by our animal foes. Johnny and Laura Benson had just gotten married Monday afternoon and went out to a scenic location with the wedding party for photos–and then the groom was bitten by a rattlesnake. The groom was treated by authorities and survived, but the snake got away and remains at large.

The real victims here are the people who attended the wedding. They had all headed to the reception ready for a party, only to find out the groom’s life was in danger. There’s no wedding DJ in the world that can play “Shout” enough times to revive that room.

| Filed under Booze News

Booze bans kill people, study says

It’s 2016, and yet for some reason there are parts of the country that don’t serve alcohol, and many of them aren’t even in Utah. And now we know that local bans on booze have a real cost of human lives.

Researchers at the University of California, San Francisco examined hospital admission data across the U.S., and found that dry counties counties have a much higher rate of heart attacks and congestive heart failure. That means that being sober is bad for your heart. Wet counties had liver problems and a heart problem called atrial fibrillation, but this is America, your risk of a heart attack is far worse than some lesser disease.

Once again, make sure you’re drinking your daily recommended dose of booze. It could save your life.

| Filed under Regular Post

Bernie supporters to fart at Clinton’s acceptance speech

For over a year the Democrats have patted themselves on the back for having a civil and intelligent primary season, compared to the dick-joke fest hosted by Republican presidential hopefuls. Finally, we get to see that all change.

Bernie Sanders supporters plan to protest Hillary Clinton’s nomination acceptance speech by farting a lot. A Philadelphia-based poverty activist says she will invite delegates won by Sanders, supporters of Sanders and even the disheveled one himself, to attend a bean-heavy dinner during the Democratic National Convention in July. The attendees can then head over to the event and protest Clinton’s win by farting a lot.

The smelly protest may go unnoticed, however, as the convention is being held in Philadelphia.

| Filed under Scurry '16

Miss him yet?

Looks like conservatives are finally ready for one of ol' Dubya's famous back rubs.
Looks like conservatives are finally ready for one of ol’ Dubya’s famous back rubs.

For nearly eight years, Republicans and other right-leaning types smugly pretended to miss President George W. Bush while also being very careful not to be seen in public with him or associated with him, his spending or his expansion of the federal government in any way. But, it only took potential President Donald Trump (yeah, we said it) to send them running back to him.

The “compassionate conservative” — as proved by his recent forays into painting — is now making appearances at fundraisers for vulnerable Congressional candidates. Some are at-risk of primary challenges by Trump-supporting nightmares, others of disgusted independent and reasonable Republican voters who now associate the entire party with Trump. He’s already helped out Senators John McCain (who really used to hate Bush after the 2000 Republican primary) of Arizona and Kelly Ayotte of New Hampshire, and is booked to be seen with Senators Roy Blunt of Missouri, Rob Portman of Ohio and Ron Johnson of Wisconsin.

And we know Fox News misses him after years of fomenting the “grassroots” Tea Party because Brett Baier channeled Dubya to botch a never-in-a-lifetime-(unless-you’re-Richard-Gere) opportunity to interview the Dalai Lama.

To be fair, Trump might have us all finally missing Foughty-Three a little. Not enough to buy a painting, though. (Maybe a print for the bathroom, though.)

| Filed under Regular Post

Mars needs women! (No fat chicks)

Alright, Mars: is it moderation if we eat your candy over a dollop of frozen yogurt?
Alright, Mars: is it moderation if we eat your candy over a dollop of frozen yogurt?

When it comes to junk food, we’re used to companies disregarding our actual health to convince us to eat only their products and as much of them as possible. For instance, Jack’s Links telling us that beef jerky’s how professional athletes build muscle mass or Gatorade saying we haven’t defeated dehydration until Lemon-Lime seeps out of our pores.

So, it comes as a surprise that Mars, the company responsible for M&Ms, Snickers and Skittles, wants out of the fast food dessert market. They want to discontinue providing their candy for McDonalds McFlurries, Dairy Queen Blizzards and Burger King Snicker Pies because we allegedly eat too much of it. (No word if they plan to stop The Guys from stuffing Skittles into Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and shooting them with root beer floats.)

Mars is ducking out of fast food desserts to convince people to eat sweets in moderation — and this is news to us, but, apparently, combining ice cream and candy isn’t moderation.

Well, you’re not the boss of us, Mars! (Not until our manned space program finally provokes your intergalactic overlords on the red planet.) We can buy our own candy and sprinkle it into our own ice cream. And, if your goal was to raise your stock by making us eat more candy in protest, then you win!

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Pee in the shower, save the planet

If you don’t pee in the shower, it may be time to start, according to some recent calculations.

Basically, you’re in the shower already, so that’s water you’re using regardless. But if you also pee while taking a shower, you are saving the world a toilet flush. That one less flush can add up, and it can save us all some water.

It should be noted that these calculations completely ignore the fact that if you pee in the shower you are a terrible person.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Scientists finally uncover something in Ireland that isn’t whisky

Ireland gets a lot of crap from the rest of Europe–not that it hasn’t been taking crap from the English for centuries. They say the country owes all of its culture to the Brits, they say it’s not very historical. Today, those critics have been proven wrong.

Scientists have found a big lump of butter dating back to the days of Jesus Christ, and they found it in a bog in County Meath, Ireland. Now who lacks historical landmarks?

| Filed under Regular Post

HD goes AC/DC

By 2021, Harley-Davidson hopes to find a designer for their electric bike who's never seen Tron.
By waiting until 2021, Harley-Davidson hopes to find a designer for their electric bike who’s never seen Tron.

We pretty much all agree that it would be better to go electric for cars. But, there are a couple of humps to get over: the batteries need to charge faster and deliver better mileage — or, at least give us enough miles so that we can justify waiting three or more hours to start travelling again. (Provided we don’t forget to plug our car in overnight or accidentally turn off the power strip like we do with our phones.) Also, electric designs need to make up for certain features we expect for certain gas-burning models.

Case in point: Harley-Davidson announced that they plan to launch an all-electric line of bikes by 2021. They’ve had a prototype in testing since 2014, but it can only deliver 55 miles to the charge in “cruise” mode, or 33 in “normal, organ donor” mode, and takes three and a half hours to charge up again. They hope that, by 2021, the batteries will be better.

And by “better,” we’re sure they mean louder. Otherwise, a lot of bikers are gonna lose their voices making sure we notice how badass they look.