Oven shoots man

How much do you trust your appliances? Probably too much.

An Ohio man was shot by his oven earlier this week, and police have yet to arrest it. According to reports, the 44-year-old man put his gun in the broiler compartment of his oven — as standard gun safety protocol dictates — because his girlfriend and her children were coming over to the house. Later, the girlfriend decided to use the oven, and minutes later, shots rang out.

The heat from the oven cause bullets in the man’s gun to explode. He was hit by bullet fragments in each shoulder as he tried to secure his firearm. He was the only one injured and is expected to recover.

Authorities have been unable to determine why the oven turned on its owner.

Zombies knock out power in Florida

Florida is a place where people go to die. But apparently they don’t always stay dead.

Residents of Lake Worth, Florida received an alert from the city that there was a power outage due to “extreme zombie activity.” Which means either they were zombies from the 90s, or they were very active. In any case, they had a beef with the power lines.

The frank explanation of the reason for the power outage was later rescinded by the city, who denied that any zombies were in the area at all, and failed to give a reason for the power outage or the zombie warning.

Smells like a coverup to us.

Science: Maybe squid, octopi came from space

Yet another prediction from “The Simpsons” come true.

There are a lot of weird looking animals on this planet. Sometimes we even say they look like aliens. It’s possible we’ve been right the whole time.

According to a study published in a peer-reviewed journal, squid and octopi may have come from outer space. Octopi have the ability to edit their own RNA, which is an ability not found in any other branch of the animal kingdom. Given that recent studies have found that it is possible for organic molecules to exist in space, researchers argue that life may have come from other worlds. They argue that the scientific community can not rule out that squid or octopus eggs, or even the animals themselves, came to Earth millions and millions of years ago this way.

Science just backed up Prometheus.

Police called after man argues with A-hole parrot

Parrots can’t speak German primarily because of the umlauts.

Never have a pet that can argue with you. That should be your top consideration when thinking about owning an animal.

In Germany, police were called to an apartment after a neighbor reported a loud argument that had been going on for some time. They found a man arguing with a parrot. The 22-year-old man told police that he was annoyed with the bird, which his girlfriend owns, and began yelling at it. The bird apparently can bark like a dog, but not speak.

A few observations about this:

  • Of course the girlfriend owns something as annoying as a parrot, much less a parrot that barks like a dog.
  • Clearly, alcohol was involved in this.
  • Imagine explaining to your girlfriend when she comes home that police questioned you for arguing with her pet.
  • This sounds like a healthy relationship.

Ozone gets more Os

The power is yours to bring this meeting to a swift end. Now, who’s resumed emitting CFCs? Do we really want more Captain Planet?

Alright, everyone. You’re probably wondering why we gathered all 197 signers of the Montreal Protocol here, today, on this comedy blog.

Look, ladies and fellas, we all agreed to stop emitting chlorofluorocarbons back in 1987 to stop Ted Turner’s production of further episodes of Captain Planet. And yet somehow, we suddenly have an uptick in measurable CFC11, which, as we all know, is the second most common CFC that destroys our ozone layer.

So, let’s apply the conditions of what may very well be written into the protocol to suss this out.

“Para. 24, Item a. The party who smelt it dealt it.” Do we really believe that study lead author Stephen Montzka, a research chemist at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration is responsible for it? Sure, ozone woes (woezones?) are good for NOAA business, but since when did ol’ Steph get into the plastics and/or refrigeration industry?

“Para. 93, Subpara. 2, Item f. The party who denied supplied it.” I see a lot of representatives here not fessing up–China, Koreas, Mongolia–which is technically denial by omission. And denial of omission of emissions is explicitly the kind of thing that made Montreal write this protocol in steak salt and poutine gravy in the first place.

“Section 31, Bullet 12. The party who deduced it produced it.” Oh, no. We’re not shifting the blame onto The Guys to stymie this meeting and move on to the bacon bar buffet. Everyone knows that SeriouslyGuys phased out CFCs in our jokes back in 2014 once we realized that nobody remembers the ozone layer anymore.

So, anybody have anything to say for themselves? Anybody at all? Alright. Caterers, please extinguish the Sterno from the bacon bar.

Alaska capital goes dark after dastardly animal attack

The residents of Juneau, Alaska, are good, hard-working Americans. Certain politicians would probably even call them “real Americans.” And on Monday, there was a terrorist attack on their grid.

Authorities say that an eagle dropped a foot-long piece of metal on a power line, which caused an outage for the good people of Juneau. For well over 40 minutes these folks had to endure life without electricity. All because of an attack on our infrastructure by the animals.

Symbol of America or not, it is well past time that we finished off the bald eagles once and for all.

There is no reason for civilians to own bassoons

If you think you can just walk around in public carrying a bassoon in Ohio, think again. The law is going to come knocking.

Ohio has tough anti-woodwind laws in place that are being challenged in court, but for now they are still on the books. Recently, a New England Conservatory student home on break decided to play his bassoon outdoors. He sat on the trunk of his car and began playing scales. A few minutes later, the cops showed up. Someone reported a man with a long rifle sitting on his car.

Luckily, the police didn’t overreact. They slowly made their way over to the student until he was disarmed. We can only hope that he’s rotting in jail.

Your spiders and goats are no longer welcome on American Airlines

It’s not often that we take the time to praise airlines for doing something good. That’s usually because the only do things that make us pay more and make the whole process of flying even more stressful. Not today. American Airlines is cracking down on animals on flights.

For far too long we’ve let freeloading animals on flights because they’re “emotional support animals,” well, those days are over? Looking to bring your emotional support spider on board with you? Tough cookies. The same goes for your goats, ferrets and reptiles. Even if they’re emotional support animals, a long list of creatures will not be allowed on American Airlines flights, starting July 1.

It’s about time we started getting tough on those needing emotional support.

Dog shoots man

At the risk of sounding like liberal snowflakes, we’re going to argue that dogs should not be allowed to use firearms, despite whatever Constitutional scholars may say.

In Iowa, a man was taken to the emergency room after suffering a gunshot at the hands, er, paws of his dog. According to reports, the man was lying on his couch wearing his gun in a belly band holster — because why wouldn’t you want to be packing while relaxing on the couch? — when his dog jumped up and disabled the thumb safety and trigger safety, then jumped up again and pulled the trigger. The man was shot in the leg.

Despite the obvious assassination attempt, the man doesn’t blame the dog, but considers it an accident. Folks, studies show that the chances of being shot by your dog go up exponentially if you have a gun in your house, and even more if you own a dog.

Live free or *burp* die

Americans love beer, although, not as much as we used to. Still, as a country we value cracking open a couple and watching the game. Or cracking open a couple and relaxing on the beach. Or cracking open a couple and complaining about our spouse or boss to anyone within earshot. We like beer. But which state likes beer the most?

According to recent data, New Hampshire likes beer the most, drinking some 40.6 gallons per capita. The Midwest dominates the rest of the top five, with Montana at 39.4, North Dakota at 38.3, South Dakota at 38.2, and Wisconsin at 34.3. Maine comes in sixth at 33.8, Nebraska at 33.3, Nevada at 32.9, Vermont at 32.8, and Texas at 31.8.

At the time this data was collected all of The Guys lived in Virginia. So we promise you we’ll try harder to represent our great state for next year’s stats.