| Filed under Headline of the Day, War on Animals

Even on National Dog Day, Fox News keeps blowing dogwhistles

Don't let the lamestream media fool you into letting terrierists enter our borders. Build the chicken wire fence!
Don’t let the lamestream media fool you into letting terrierists enter our country. Build the chicken wire fence!

Most of today’s National Dog Day media focuses on how much comfort and companionship dogs provide us, which is a PR nightmare for our ongoing War on Animals. Fortunately, there’s one news agency that isn’t falling for the cuddly animal angle that our enemies push: Fox News.

Rather than be a lap dog to PETA, Fox News is raising the hard question that no one dares ask about dogs: are immigrant dogs sneaking rabies and other diseases across our borders?

We applaud Fox News for sticking it to dogs and enforcing their narrative on the dangers of immigration in all forms. Clearly, there’s at least one news agency that hasn’t been neutered.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

There are lies on the internet, study published online says

Whether you’re Trump supporter or an anti-vaxxer, you know not to trust what you read online unless it’s an image quote someone shared on your wall that lines up with your personal biases. The rest of us sheeple tend to believe things that we read. Science says we should know better.

According to a recent study, pretty much everyone online is lying about something. Some of us make up things to support their pet cause, others lie about their appearance. And some even lie about things that interest them. Turns out, we all just want to seem cooler, more attractive and carefree. The Guys, who are all extremely handsome, promise we’ve been truthful.

But then, you read it online, so perhaps it’s not true.

| Filed under Booze News

Police: Batman steals beer

Superhero movies this summer, while mostly disappointing, all dealt with whether vigilantes with superpowers should be held accountable and controlled by society. So it’s fitting that this is now a real-world issue.

In upstate New York, a man in a Batman costume and a Captain America mask stole a couple cases of Budweiser (“America”) from a convenience store. Because when you have a superhero thirst, one case just isn’t going to do it. Was this Batman? Was this Captain America? Or was this a clever commentary on how superhero movies have devolved into two-hour-long beer commercials? Who can save us from this menace?

One thing we do know: the runs won’t just be in the tights.

| Filed under Scurry '16, Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Out of options, Republicans turn to ‘Doctor Who’

"Don't you think she looks tired?" said two men who are both older than Hillary Clinton and look it despite what look like multiple cosmetic surgeries.
“Don’t you think she looks tired?” said two men who are both older than Hillary Clinton and look it despite multiple cosmetic treatments.

In the past several years of covering presidential elections — and some mid-terms because, contrary to what the Greens and Libertarians think, we elect people every year to leadership positions besides President — The Guys have seen various disclosure trends. If someone’s running against a millionaire, they push to release tax returns. If running against a black person who may have been born in Kenya, they push to release birth certificates, college grades and possibly even drug tests.

And now, if running against a woman who’s almost a year younger than them, they push to release health recordsContinue reading

| Filed under It Must Be Science!, Sex Sells

Science: Your lady will cheat on you because genes

Suddenly every blues song ever written seems justified.

According to researchers at the University of Texas, women are genetically programmed to cheat. Women, especially childless women, are predisposed to cheat on their mate as a means of a backup plan. They argue that way back when, it wasn’t too common for people to live past 30, so having a side piece in case your mate died made sense, and it got bred into us.

Better go home and read all the texts on her phone.

| Filed under Eat My Sports

Eat My Sports: It’s The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It’s the end of August folks. That means one thing if you are red-blooded American: football is almost here. More importantly than football being back, fantasy football is back! Where for three glorious months you get to take credit for the accomplishments of others. You’re the only person on the planet who knew Antonio Brown was good, you had the guts to draft one Robert Gronkowski, ONLY YOU KNEW THAT AARON RODGERS CAN THROW A FOOTBALL REALLY WELL!

Over the years I’ve come to acknowledge how both stupid and genius the concept of fantasy football is, but the best part is that it leads to smack talk and bragging rights amongst you and your friends. Continue reading

| Filed under Picture of the Day

Only a good guy with a knife …

Although the patient has sworn off of knives, the surgical team "told him if you ever feel like you need more iron in your body, try spinach." Doctors got jokes, son!
Although the patient has sworn off of knives, the surgical team “told him if you ever feel like you need more iron in your body, try spinach.” Doctors got jokes, son!

Surgeons in India cut 40 knives out of the stomach of a man who compulsively ate them. He swallowed folding knifes whole — some folded, some open. Some were even broken and rusting in his stomach.

We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: the only cure for knife problems is more knives.

| Filed under War on Animals

Seagull sends shoppers running from grocery store

The seagulls’ blitz on the U.K. continues, in case you forgot that we aren’t the only ones being attacked. As you may recall, this onslaught is becoming a summer tradition.

Now it seems they aggressive gulls are taking the battle indoors. One such angry bird broke into a grocery store, or whatever they call them over there, in Truro, England. The seabird swooped down on customers, and was so aggressive that the store had to be evacuated. The dive bombing was brought to an end when the gull was captured and released outside.

And they say the American legal system is broken.

| Filed under It Must Be Science!

Make it to Labor Day, all is forgiven

Divorce Season is followed immediately by Drinking Out of a Paper Bag in Public Season … which is fortunately in the Spring and Fall.
Divorce Season is followed immediately by Drinking Out of a Paper Bag in Public Season … which is fortunately in the Spring and Fall.

Just when you thought that you only had to worry about the holiday season and hurricane season, it turns out there’s one more season lurking out there: divorce season.

After 14 years of research, sociologists determined that most divorces in America happen two times of the year: after the holiday season in March and after summer vacations in August. The reason? Most people in Sixth Sense relationships (they don’t know they’re dead) hold out for one last Christmas or summer trip with the family before calling it quits.

Other factors include:

  • Not wanting to be the bad guy and dump someone right around a holiday with a lot of judgmental family and in-laws.
  • Not having the money to hire an attorney until March after Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and Valentines.

What the study doesn’t figure in is if the holiday or vacation encourages divorce afterwards. For instance, who thought Disney World on Christmas break — the one week that the entire Western world has off — was a good idea?

Just to be safe, if you’ve been a turd for the past few months, The Guys suggest putting some effort in until Labor Day if you plan to keep your family. After that, they’re pretty much locked in for another year of disappointment.

| Filed under You Missed It

You Missed It: Fool’s gold edition

Lochte also complained that the medals didn't have chocolate inside of them.
Lochte also complained that the medals didn’t have chocolate inside of them.

I’m pretty excited that preseason football is back — not because I watch it, but that it means real football is right around the corner. My wife and I have to spend a lot of time at home these days because we have a newborn. If it weren’t for the Olympics, there’d be nothing in the way of sports to watch. Late summer baseball is tedious, no one watches golf and NASCAR isn’t a sport. Preseason football is just as unwatchable as anything I just mentioned, but it means there’s hope, and that’s what we all need sometimes. If you were busy signing off of your Comedy Central show this week, odds are you missed it.

What Did Ryan Lochte Do?
This week, American swimmer Ryan Lochte, who probably sees Flea’s hair stylist, reported he and some teammates were robbed at gunpoint during a night out in Rio de Janeiro. Turns out he and his buddies, all of whom are adults, trashed a gas station and urinated all over the place when they weren’t allowed to use the restroom. The truth about the incident wasn’t known for days because of NBC’s tape delay.

Not always greener
According to a recent poll, things aren’t looking good for Green Party presidential nominee Jill Stein. More Texas voters said they would vote for old favorite Deez Nuts. To be fair, they probably thought the pollsters asked if they would vote for Truck Nuts.

Russian ally out of power
Capping off several days of shake-ups, the Trump campaign announced that Paul Manafort would be stepping down as chairman. The guy has experience getting dictators in power, but couldn’t make it happen this one time. The next Trump campaign chairman? You guessed it: Ryan Lochte.