Suckle on a harpoon, baby whale!
Posted on August 20, 2008
Filed Under That Wacky Australia, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Australia takes yachting very seriously. Since they are an island nation, they are all about boating whenever they get the chance. This means there are strict laws when it comes to boating, including trying to suckle a yacht.
This is somewhat of a rare crime, it has not happened since the swinging 60s, but now a suspected humpback whale calf is facing the death sentence for alleged multiple offenses
You are probably expecting this blog to go on a tirade about how that whale and all other whales deserve to die, well you’re wrong. We believe that the death penalty is immoral. Besides, it costs taxpayers more money in appeals than a life sentence does. you’re damn right we believe that whale deserves to die, and we hope it burns in hell.
Written by Bryan McBournieFinally, a sense of accomplishment
Posted on August 20, 2008
Filed Under War on Education | Leave a Comment |
There’s one thing we don’t see enough of anymore: public spankings. It’s getting to the point where we almost believed that kids aren’t hit at all anymore.
What happened to the good old days where it wasn’t just a parent’s responsibility, but the duty of any elected or appointed officials, shop owners or approximate busybodies to paint a kid’s bee-hind red? You know, when you kid smack someone’s kid for looking at you the wrong way, hand them back to the parent, explain what they did and watch them get slapped around again?
There’s good news: more than 200,000 kids got spanked in school this year.
Sure, that number’s down from a few years ago, but we can still take solace in the idea that somebody out there wants to slap that as … king look off their face.
Written by Rick SneeAnd on the left, you’ll see our Darwinism exhibit
Posted on August 20, 2008
Filed Under Regular Post | Leave a Comment |
In Chicago, five teens were arrested for breaking into a video game store. Two of the five might have escaped successfully if they were smart enough to avoid the cops, but instead they asked the officers for a ride home. Looks like the kindergarten entry exam wasn’t the only test that they failed.
First, some back-story: a local heard glass breaking at a video game store and phoned the Chicago police, who responded and managed to find a shattered glass window and three burglars. The three ran; police managed to capture one, but the other two escaped. Two more “lookout” men (and that makes five) were also arrested. Obviously, their vision was a bit impaired.
The two that fled the scene flagged down a police car and asked for a ride home. At first, the officer explained to them that their department did not offer rides, but then quickly noticed that the two men matched the descriptions of the suspects. Draw your own conclusions about that.
Obviously these two MENSA candidates aren’t true gamers. Why so? For two simple rules.
1. Basic gaming instinct would tell you to lay low. Crouch. Crawl on your belly. Trudge around in a box, even.
2. And above all else, you never ask for ride. You’re supposed to yank the officer out of the car and steal it. Right, Jack?
Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor‘Boobs on Bikes’–yes, we said it
Posted on August 20, 2008
Filed Under Stripper News, That Wacky New Zealand | Leave a Comment |
A New Zealand court will allow adult film stars tp ride motorcycles topless (the women) through the streets of Wellington, the country’s largest city. Last year, more than 800,000 people showed up for a similar show, which more or less makes the whole thing not so offensive to the public.
New Zealanders are known for two things: The Lord of the Rings trilogy and overall craziness. This is not the first time public nudity has been allowed in an urban area, and we suspect it will not be the last, either.
On a related note, The Guys will be blogging live from “Boobs on Bikes” later this month.
Written by Bryan McBournieMonkey see, monkey run
Posted on August 20, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Not helping their own cause, the animals have started making their fight against humans a bit too obvious these days. From suspected llamas causing car crashes to now a monkey trying to evade Tokyo police for almost two hours, it appears we have hit these bastards where it hurts.
The monkey was originally spotted by the automated ticket gates. Now, why would a monkey need to get on a train so badly that he would try to escape police custody for two hours? Early speculation: Suicide Monkeys!!!
Written by Bryan SchoolsEat My Sports: Trampoline?
Posted on August 19, 2008
Filed Under Eat My Sports | Leave a Comment |
I want my childhood back. No, this isn’t one of those “my mommy and daddy didn’t give me enough love, so I started a nu metal band” kind of stories. This is a “I was watching television the other day and saw people competing, and being rewarded for jumping on a trampoline” type story.
I love watching the Olympics, I find it fascinating that one event can draw millions of people to care about sports they otherwise would not give a crap about. I also find myself confused as to why, in the big picture, is it so important that someone can move through water really fast? Now I’m just angry. Read more
Written by Bryan SchoolsA religious experiment
Posted on August 19, 2008
Filed Under It Must Be Science! | Leave a Comment |
According to a survey in Monday’s Archives of Surgery, 57 percent of 1,000 surveyed adults believe in divine intervention: in this case, that God will step in and save dying patients.
OK, well, why stop at surgery? According to many of these same true believers, God isn’t just a doctor, but a ominpotent jack of all trades. Therefore, if there’s any basis to this, let’s see God save you, the god-fearing reader, from a direct threat to your faith.
In the next paragraph, you will read the most offensive sentence that will attack God and your beliefs and might possibly turn your children into Satan worshipers. If divine intervention is real, then God will do something to prevent you from reading it, leaving your fragile faith intact. Ready? Here goes:
ERROR 404
DOCUMENT NOT FOUND
HA! Suck on that, Xtians!
No matter who loses …
Posted on August 19, 2008
Filed Under Regular Post | Leave a Comment |
… we barbecuers of the world still win.
I call dibs on the body of the loser!
Boxing is serious business. Worldwide, it’s highly marketable-just ask Coca-cola and Pepsi. The two soda giants have set up camp and attempted to sink their claws into the newest hot boxer, Worapoj Phetkum. Yes Alex, they want Thai hot. Both companies have begun heavy negotiations and camping with the man.
Phetkum has yet to have a boxing match yet, mind you.
But all that’s set to change-he’s in the Olympics! Yes, Phetkum takes on Italy this Friday. It’s not just a winner-take-all match; the winner gets an Olympic medal. The loser gets to go home empty-handed.
Oh, and by the way, I’m talking about Pepsi and Coca-cola.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorSuspected llama causes accident probably on purpose
Posted on August 19, 2008
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
We all know that we are at war with animals, but did you know that in Kansas it is illegal to be a llama? Yes, finally a state has stepped up where the federal government has not, in declaring illegal the state of being an animal, quieting adding species after species to the list.
One such outlaw is believed to have caused a fiery accident with a pick-up truck but injuring no one. We journalists know it is dangerous to call criminals anything but “suspected” or “alleged” criminals until they are found guilty by a trial of their peers or kill themselves waiting for trial.
That is why the Pratt (Kansas) Tribune handled the matter with this lead sentence:
Two people escaped injury Saturday after a pickup was destroyed by fire following a collision with a suspected llama.
That’s right, a suspected llama. The newspaper cannot say “a llama” without risking libel. This blog says if it walks like a llama and it spits like a llama it’s a llama.
The newspaper would have you believe that the driver of the car may have been intoxicated. There is no way of knowing that now. For all we know, the llama planted booze on the driver’s clothes after it realized it had failed to kill or injure the truck’s occupants. Watch out, nation. The llamas are out there.
Written by Bryan McBournieRambooze
Posted on August 19, 2008
Filed Under Booze News | Leave a Comment |
Sure, some of us think as Sylvester Stallone as that beefy dude with the bandana that killed a lot of people, or as that over the hill boxer with the creepy trainer. Now Stallone is headed back to Russia … to advertise vodka!
In a deal worth $1 million, Stallone will be the spokesman for Russian Ice, which has the slogan “there is a bit of Russian in all of us.” Stallone, from Russian descent, showed us this slogan was nothing but true in his film debut The Party at Kitty and Stud’s, that’s right folks, The Italian Stallion is now the Russian Lush.
Written by Bryan Schools keep looking »