Day: July 26, 2006

Excuse me. The new contemporary take should be “the bugs and clothing fibers crawl in, the bugs and clothing fiber crawl out ….”

Scratch Texas off of the visiting list.

July 26th is a huge day for national firsts, and SeriouslyGuys was there at each one, cataloguing them for posterity, providing our own insights, and shaping this political experiment called America. Don’t believe us? Check out these entries From the SeriouslyGuys Vault:

Wednesday, July 26, 1775

Colonies goe Postale

The Continental Congress, in their abyding Whisdome, has established a Postale Servise for the Colonies. This Servise shall replace the Royale Servise, which can get Stufed.

Today’s Deliverie shall include the lateft Value-Pak with Coupones for free bleeding by the Honourable Doctor Benjamin Rush, Coffee for a halfe-Shilling, and buy-one-get-one-free bifocales at Franklin Optometristrie.

Sunday, July 26, 1908

“C-Men” swarm the streets

U.S. Attorney General Charles Joseph Bonaparte has established a new federal detective squad, called the Office of the Chief Examiner. Manned by the soon-to-be legendary “C-Men,” the task force will keep close tabs on enemies foreign and domestic and prosecute those criminals who cross state-lines.

This is the first attempt by the government to establish their own bureau to investigate federal offenses.

Side note: This blog believes “FBI” would make a niftier name for the crimefighters.

Friday, July 26, 1991

Today’s secret word: “masturbation”

Children’s entertainer Paul Reubens, more affectionately known as Pee-Wee Herman, was the first man to masturbate in an adult movie theater today.

Obviously he was the first to ever do it since his was the first arrest of public note for the offense.

While incensed parents have begun burning Pee-Wee paraphanelia, this blog urges open-mindedness: it’s not like he’s into children.

Fidel Castro–the 50-Cent of dictators–reignited the Castro Death Pool in Vegas, saying he would not be in office at 100.

Started by Vegas bookies in 1959, the pool had lost interest as the 80-year-old presidente has survived nine presidents, CIA assassination plots, invasion attempts, the collapse of the Soviet Union, Freudian-based accusations, and “Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights.”

He also used the press conference to “boast that Cuba’s infant mortality of 6.5 per thousand was lower than the US rate.”

COMMIE BURN!

Only in Europe, people, as you will definitely not see my employers do something like this … yet.

An enhancement drug that doesn’t live up to its claims? SHOCKING!

On the contrary, this could be a good thing: see these guys for examples.

We’ve got snakes in this mail package!

(Courtesy of Mike Morrow)

Put down the foot-long chili cheese dog and read this–that is if your fingers are skinny enough to click on it, fatty.

This has been another sensitive post from SeriouslyGuys.

In keeping with the morning’s dirty story theme: If the mob has any bodies they want to get rid of, we found an exotic dancer who might be interested in souvenirs.

Also, the hand was in a jar marked, “Freddy,” according to reports. This blog is not making that up.

Have you been pissed off today? Just in case, here’s some religion AND politics to start the day off right.

SeriouslyGuys: we’ll get that blood pressure up, yet.