Day: August 7, 2006

Researchers turned back the clock on the mouse’s genes 500 million years to find … they look exactly the same.

Let’s practice our anologies, eh?

Paris Hilton is to celibacy as …

a) … Michael Jackson is to sex with consenting adults.
b) … Tom Cruise is to sex with his lovely child bride.
c) … Britney Spears was to celibacy until the 1980s.
d) … Princess Diana is to limousine joyrides.

If you answered D, you read too much People magazine.

If there’s one thing Americans can be count on, it’s their gulibility for conspiracy theories. That apparently includes ones generated by the White House.

The Silver Lining: That’s still 15% less than the number of fat people in the US.

If you’re doing a lot of traveling and are getting bored with the airlines hassling you and the TSA frisking you, end your trip with some flair.

When exiting a plane, put on a pair of aviator sunglasses and a hat of some sort. It doesn’t matter what you wear, just make sure your head is covered. Keep your head down and walk quickly. Within no time, people will notice you and think you are somebody famous. Be prepared to sign autographs and dodge paparazzi.

This has been a completely random tip from SeriouslyGuys.

Finally, the government will leave video games alone and go after something I’m too old to care about: mp3 players.

Remember, teens don’t have sex because of the waltz, comic books, heavy metal, hip-hop or Grand Theft Auto. They have sex thanks to that ever-present scourge throughout human history: the iPod, which can broacast all of the above very suggestively.

Side note: It must burn the RIAA’s hide that no one cared about mp3s until teens spontaneously started having sex.

Side note, #2: Proving Local6 has their finger on the pulse of young America, they also link to an old story that suggests teens lie about sex. This blog suggests baby showers register for padlocks and shotguns.

That’s right: we’re back. Not only that, though: we’re appalled.

Yes, we’re appalled at a fellow website: the folks at MoveOn.org.

We’re appalled that they would use their traffic to cull voters, to sponsor politicians, to bring one of the two real political parties to the bargaining table and to oppose the war that could very well change the Middle East for good.

Most importantly, we’re appalled that it isn’t us: the good folks at seriously-guys.blogspot.com (which is just as catchy as MoveOn.org).

Well, it’s too late to adopt their platform–nobody wants to be a Johnny Comelately–so we’re using our clout to oppose them.

Not only do we support the war in Iraq, but we recognize the need to invade more oil-producing nations. After all, we’re not dependent on foreign oil if we own its countries of origin. Think of our future citizens as Texans, only easier to understand in conversation.

So tell your friends and send them over to seriously-guys.blogspot.com. We’re back, and OPEC is screwed.

Tired of sleeping alone every night? Wish you had company to wake up to in the morning? Do what more Americans are doing this year–get some bedbugs as pets.

According to the Washington Post, infestations of bedbugs are becoming increasingly common in cities across the U.S. Other reports show that an alarming 98% of elementary school girls have cooties.

“Blue’s Clues” turned 10 over the weekend. SG would like to extend a happy birthday to our favorite show, in which everything in the house can talk except the damn dog.

Welcome back, everyone. The Guys are back after enjoying a week-long vacation (separately, mind you) and are ready for another week of drudgery fun-filled news excitement.

To start off the day, Americans, just like America itself, don’t have many friends these days.