Day: August 8, 2006

Reason #81,806 for why a person should not use a mall restroom. Helpful hint: don’t squat.

One must wonder if the shoes will still be good at letting a user know if a car is coming.

Saturday, August 8, 1863

Lee proves yeller

CSA President Jefferson Davis rejected a resignation letter from General Robert E. Lee today. Lee’s attempted resignation follows a swift kick in the butterknot by Union forces at Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.

The war, which was projected to end two years ago, is projected by Davis to end “any day now,” provided no more generals “turn sissy.”

Tuesday, August 8, 1911

SG premiers “flogs”

Seriously Gentlemen is proud to unveil a new feature: the flog, or Film Log. As Americans can now get their news from the flickers alongside moving images of women in bathing suits and crude cartoons, we can also poke lively jests at the new media.

It is worth noting, however, that theater piano players have difficulty conveying the grave tones of our world’s current events.

Wednesday, August 8, 1945

Stalin quits stallin’

After four years of Pacific island-hopping with minimal allies, the Reds have finally joined the fight against the Japanese horde in Manchuria, China. Considering we’ve already dropped the Big One on Hiroshima, the Ruskies look like a gaggle of Johnny Comelatelies.

What do they think? That the Chinese are gonna embrace Communism? Ha!

SeriouslyGIs reminds you to do your part and continue buying war bonds: every bit keeps our boys supplied.

Yours truly is considering a career change at this moment. Who’s up for martinis?

Like “Star Wars” but don’t have time to waste on all six episodes (especially I through III)? Britain’s Reduced Shakespeare Company is going to stage the saga in just 20 minutes. The company has also performed shorter versions of Shakespeare plays (obviously) and even the Bible.

Quick dialogue with a lot of plot to cover? This thing’s going to feel like an episode of “The West Wing.”

Thought the 9/11 crazies who thought the government blew up the Twin Towers were gone? Apparently they’re not, and they’ve got some educated people on their side, as well. A group called Scholars for 9/11 Truth wants to tell you what really happened on that day. They claim that demolitions placed inside the towers, not the fires of crashed hijacked airliners, were the cause of the destruction. What mastermind placed the explosives there? The answer could shock you.

The government.

If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. Seeking to push their neo-con agenda throughout the world, the Bush administration blew up the Twin Towers and gave the press doctored videos of planes crashing into them. They then somehow lucked out on the Pentagon being attacked and another hijacked plane crashing in Pennsylvania on the same morning, and then paid al Qaeda to say they did it.

Duh.

However, Roger Bowen, general secretary of the American Association of University Professors thinks that these academics, whose degrees and doctorates are not in fields relevant to the claims, are wrong.

Bowen told the Associated Press what his Uncle Ben had once told him, “with academic freedom comes academic responsibility. And that requires them to teach the truth of their discipline, and the truth does not include conspiracy theories ….”

Bowen then put on his mask and web-slinged away.

When it comes to depression, this is cleaner than cutting, safer than cigarettes and far less annoying than your blog.

This blog is willing to endorse any shot that will finally clean up the internet and restore it to its original and more nobler purpose.

A Japanese quadriplegic man and his friend partially climbed the Klein Matterhorn with the assistance of a robot.

No, we’re not making it up.

Sounds like an inspirational story, does it not? It is, until you see how they did it.

Stop snickering, people are looking at you.

If President Bush pissed off the press before, they must really hate him now. Can the Secret Service arrest you for wishing bulemia on the president?

It’s about time they cracked down on this sort of stuff.