Those dastardly birds are after us again! Say no to cloning, otherwise we might be in for this. I mean, seriously, did you see that picture? And they’re calling it a freaking “terror bird”. Terror bird. That doesn’t exactly make you think of something warm, cuddly, and soft like a marshmallow.
Ahem. So in conclusion, we can’t let this monster be brought about again upon the world, because if we do, the terror birds win.
Remember kids, there’s nothing wrong with being beaten up by a girl. There is, however, a world of lameness when being beaten up by an unarmed 68-year old man and you’ve got a weapon.
(story courtesy of Jocelyn Franklin)
You know, I wish this math was taught to me in high school. I might’ve actually stayed awake then. Or used it to create an algorithm for werewolves.
Remember, just like we said in previous stories: if a doctor says so, then it must be true.
This trial should be more annoying than when Clinton asked the court to define “is.”
Other expected defense methods include:
1) The I’m Not Touching You draw.
2) “Stop it!” “Stop it.” “I mean it!” “I mean it.” “You’re a jerk!” “You’re a jerk.”
3) Celebrity guest witness Charo.
4) Badgering the witnesses … with a real badger.
Jeez, didn’t these guys learn anything in 1945?
For those who are tired of pumping themselves with saline, botox and hairplugs, it’s time for eyelash transplants.
Question: What would that even do? And what is next, transplanting hair in the nether region?
