Day: November 15, 2006

Night of the Elected Dead

Sam Duncan is a motivated man. He won’t even let death keep him from his campaign.

Duncan may have died in October, but that didn’t mean a thing to the people of Union County, N.C. They gave him 12,000 votes to elect him to the county’s Soil and Water Conservation board.

Voters said they were not notified of Duncan’s death. Clearly, there are zombies or zombie sympathizers in the Union County Board of Elections.

As we all know, this is not the first case of the undead campaigning for public office.

Grab your shotguns, stock up on ammo and practice your head shots, everyone. It seems the zombie uprising is edging closer with each new day.

Stay tuned to SG for updates on the rise of the undead.

U.S. government says there’s too little porn on the internet

Again, people of America, this is what your tax dollars are paying for: United States government commissioned studies to “find out what websites are sexually explicit.”

Big-wigs in Congress, I could’ve given you some rough guesses as to what comprises the internet for the cost of nothing more than a root beer float. The internet is comprised of nothing more than:

1. 1 percent porn, 49 percent pictures of peoples’ cats and 50 percent illegal download bandwidth

2. 1 percent porn, 20 percent pipes, 30 percent wood (remnants of the Internet 1) and 49% percent Angelfire, Geocities and Tripod websites that haven’t been updated since 1997.

There. I’ll take my float in a nice tall glass, Mr. or Ms. Congressman/Congresswoman.

Inverted voting

Let’s face it, when it comes to voting, Florida has little or no idea what they are doing. One person mailed in their absentee ballot with an extremely rare 1918 stamp worth $200,000. The stamp, the famous “Inverted Jenny,” was dated and obviously did not have enough postage, so it was rejected.

However, it now looks like the stamp was a fake. That’s the kind of well-rounded reporting you have come to expect from SeriouslyGuys.