Day: February 20, 2007

Over in San Francisco, researchers and other sciency-type people are meeting to figure out ways to restore movement to paralyzed individuals. If BrainGate can be installed into a person and allow me to move my car without actually being in it, simply via radio waves, then they’ve got my 20 dollars right there. Especially if their lawyer can get me off of the eventual manslaughter charges.

And on the other side of the nation, New York, new Spider-Man villains cybernetically enhanced robot zombies human limbs and lost digits are attempting to be regrown.

Quote of the day: “‘I don’t plan on cutting anything more off to find out if I can grow that back,’ he said.”

Great news, everyone. There’s a meteor heading our way that could potentially end all life as we know it! Even better, they’re asking the United Nations to do something about it.

Let’s all hope the U.N. gets enough votes together to pass a resolution condemning the asteroid and threatening sanctions if it continues its actions. I know I feel safe.

The only thing that makes me more angry than drivers who move too slow in the fast lane are drivers who park in the fast lane to have sex.

And when they don’t use their signals? Oh buddy, you don’t want to see the reaction that I get.

Also of note: gender relations continue to excel in Jerusalem. “A patrolman gave the woman a ticket for holding up traffic.” That’s it. No other punishments were doled out.

Don’t be surprised if your new cell-phones have labels in the text message sections of their instruction manuals stating such wise warnings like “Caution: do not operate this function while walking alongside a moving subway train.”

(Courtesy Alex Hicks)

Hey, is there anything good on TV tonight?

Vincenzo Ricardo, 70, of Hampton Bays, NY should know. He has been watching television since his death in 2005. Police said the mummified body of Ricardo was found sitting in front of a blaring television. Let’s all hope that is where he died, the implications if he moved there afterward are too scary to think about.

Key quote: “Officials could not explain why the electricity had not been turned off, considering Ricardo had not been heard from since December 2005.”