Day: May 9, 2007

This round’s on the county government

One of the last bastions of functional alcoholism was dealt a lethal blow earlier today. The South Korean County of Koesan has decided to stop giving out its “Drinking Culture Prize” to its government workers.

Key quote: “A county official said Wednesday the public misunderstood the intention of the award, which was meant to recognize government workers who go out to local restaurants and bars to meet citizens and hear what they have to say.”

How could that kind of a prize with so noble intentions possibly be misunderstood?

It seemed like such a good idea after the first five beers

First, a sea lion attacks a surfer, then the bees are skiddadlin’. What next? Giraffes are scaring the poop out of our drunk girls, that’s what’s next. It’s senseless mayhem such as this that’s reason why a war on animals has been declared.

Key quote: “Police have launched an investigation to find out how the intoxicated students entered the zoo at night and climbed the 10 foot high fence surrounding the giraffe cage.“

Personally, I’m pretty sure that she used her hands and feet.

The Wide World of More Than Just Sports

Despite all the handwriting and dire warnings, fornication trafficking did not rise in Germany during last year’s World Cup tournament, proving once and for all that soccer is the only thing in the world more important than copulation.

Remember, if scientists were involved, it has to be true.

What’s that you say? Science isn’t right all the time? Poppycock! Those were simply aberrations done by….the scientists’ roadies. Yes, that will do nicely.

Political party of the living dead

Zombies are a major threat to the world. More importantly, they are a threat to democracy in this country and worldwide. They have run for elected office, they have frequently voted in elections and now they want representation in government.

That’s right, the zombie plague has spread in India. Grab a shotgun, everyone. And aim at the heads. And remember, no matter how hard they campaign, DO NOT shake their hands.