In today’s topsy-turvy, geopolitically-ambitious and zealotry-driven world, you never know when you will be face-to-face with a ticking time bomb. No, we don’t mean the allegorical one that plagues every man, waiting within to destroy all we know and love. We mean the one that plagues Jack Bauer and James Bond, waiting without to destroy their five-o’clock shadow and cool wristwatches. That’s why we’re teaching you how to defuse a bomb.
Tools:
Fresh underwear (as many pairs as needed)
Swiss Army Knife — should have Phillips and flat head screwdrivers (little scissors are optional, but kinda prissy)
Handkerchief
You — yes, you … are a tool.
Someone you care about/have sex with (unless any of the above apply)
1. Determine the origin of the bomb, and then mutter a witty remark using the bomb’s maker as the punchline. For example: If the bomb was set by Al Qaeda, you say, “I Qaeda wanna get out of here.” If it was set by someone younger than you, you say, “I’m getting too old for this s–t.” And if it was set by former two non-consecutive terms President James Garfield, you say, “I hate Mondays.”
2. Change underwear as necessary. And be honest about it: the woman or Swiss Army Knife you love is there for what may very well be your last moment on Earth together.
3. Using the Swiss Army Knife (that you may or may not love) screwdrivers, open the panel that accesses wires and components within. Don’t forget about step 2.
4. Stare intently at the three wires. This is to convince the person/knife you love that you are perfectly capable of analyzing the inner workings of the bomb and that your mutual safety is assured. In reality, you will use either “Eeny Meeny Miny Mo” or “One Potato” to choose which wire to cut first.
WARNING: Do not use “Bubblegum Bubblegum in a Dish” to eliminate wires as they are wires and cannot tell you how many pieces they do, in fact, wish.
5. Once you have chosen the first wire to cut, mutter a witty remark that makes light of your potential explosion. For example: “Here goes everything.”
WARNING: Do not use this or any step to tell the person/appliance of your fancy that you love them. I mean, what if they don’t feel the same way? That’s just selfish.
6. Cut that wire. Closing your eyes may be necessary to heighten tension.
7. Repeat steps 4 through 6 — and possibly step 2 — until timer stops or bomb detonates.
8. Should you actually defuse the bomb, casually wait for the bomb squad to arrive. Loudly mutter a witty remark about their tardiness. For example: “Welcome to the party, boys. It’s dy-no-mite!”
9. Walk away with the person/multifunctional utility that you adore, knowing that you have prevailed in defending life, liberty, and the pursuit of sex.
