In the wilds of Alabama (as if there is anything else there) it was just an 11-year-old boy against what he could only believe was some kind of monster. Little Jamison Stone killed the monster to beat all monsters, and quite possibly the enemy’s deadliest weapon: a hog bigger than Hogzilla.
How big? Try nine feet four inches, 1,051 pounds.
Key quote that has nothing else to do with the story: “Jamison, who killed his first deer at age 5 ….”
Think the waiting lines at doctors’ offices are long here in America? Try waiting for 64 years for treatment of head injury. That’s what one Chinese woman did. She was shot in the head by a Japanese soldier as a child during World War II.
For some reason, the family didn’t know the bullet went into her brain, they just nicknamed her “Drooly.”
Do you have a concern you believe is not getting enough attention? What better way to make your opinions known than to have a protest?
And what better way to make yourself look like a calm, rational person than to protest in the form of a book burning? It’s not like that has ever had a negative connotation.
Much like with the conclusion of the latest season of “24,” Los Angeles is once again safe from a terrorist threat. For two years, “Reggie” the alligator has lived in a nearby lake for several years, but no more.
The leader of Al-Igator, a well-known terrorist group with bases in the everglades and the Nile River, was apprehended by authorities and taken in for questioning. He most likely will be held at a zoo pending a trial.
Another holiday themed review by Chug? Who would’ve guessed other than Ron Howard, the CIA, and the ghost of Joseph Stalin?!!?
OK, review time: devastating. If, for some reason, I was asked to write a one-word review of Saving Private Ryan, that would be the term I would use. No other film quite does as. .. realistic of a job of portraying the “horrors of war.” The release of Saving Private Ryan generated a massive hype due to Steven Spielberg having also directed that other Second World War opus, Schindler’s List. Now that Hollywood has moved on and the fuss has subsided, it’s clear that an important movie remains.
Calls seeking confirmation on a rumor that Samuel L. Jackson made the arrest were not returned. And yes, I’m calling the movie “art”.
In today’s topsy-turvy, geopolitically-ambitious and zealotry-driven world, you never know when you will be face-to-face with a ticking time bomb. No, we don’t mean the allegorical one that plagues every man, waiting within to destroy all we know and love. We mean the one that plagues Jack Bauer and James Bond, waiting without to destroy their five-o’clock shadow and cool wristwatches. That’s why we’re teaching you how to defuse a bomb.
Tools:
Fresh underwear (as many pairs as needed)
Swiss Army Knife — should have Phillips and flat head screwdrivers (little scissors are optional, but kinda prissy)
Handkerchief
You — yes, you … are a tool.
Someone you care about/have sex with (unless any of the above apply)
1. Determine the origin of the bomb, and then mutter a witty remark using the bomb’s maker as the punchline. For example: If the bomb was set by Al Qaeda, you say, “I Qaeda wanna get out of here.” If it was set by someone younger than you, you say, “I’m getting too old for this s–t.” And if it was set by former two non-consecutive terms President James Garfield, you say, “I hate Mondays.”
2. Change underwear as necessary. And be honest about it: the woman or Swiss Army Knife you love is there for what may very well be your last moment on Earth together.
3. Using the Swiss Army Knife (that you may or may not love) screwdrivers, open the panel that accesses wires and components within. Don’t forget about step 2.
4. Stare intently at the three wires. This is to convince the person/knife you love that you are perfectly capable of analyzing the inner workings of the bomb and that your mutual safety is assured. In reality, you will use either “Eeny Meeny Miny Mo” or “One Potato” to choose which wire to cut first.
WARNING: Do not use “Bubblegum Bubblegum in a Dish” to eliminate wires as they are wires and cannot tell you how many pieces they do, in fact, wish.
5. Once you have chosen the first wire to cut, mutter a witty remark that makes light of your potential explosion. For example: “Here goes everything.”
WARNING: Do not use this or any step to tell the person/appliance of your fancy that you love them. I mean, what if they don’t feel the same way? That’s just selfish.
6. Cut that wire. Closing your eyes may be necessary to heighten tension.
7. Repeat steps 4 through 6 — and possibly step 2 — until timer stops or bomb detonates.
8. Should you actually defuse the bomb, casually wait for the bomb squad to arrive. Loudly mutter a witty remark about their tardiness. For example: “Welcome to the party, boys. It’s dy-no-mite!”
9. Walk away with the person/multifunctional utility that you adore, knowing that you have prevailed in defending life, liberty, and the pursuit of sex.
Your wife calls you short, during an argument? Being a calm, rational, 54-year-old man who might be a little on the wee side like yourself, what do you do?
According to police, if you are Akano Nzerem, you shove your daughter aside and give your wife a big bear hug–then you bite her lip off. Remember this touching family moment as you enjoy your Memorial Day weekend.
(Courtesy of Cat H.)
In other cat-related news: not only are they growing wings, but they apparently are extremely durable and worthy adversaries.
In Ohio, some brave soldier in the War on Animals shot Lucky the cat in the head with an arrow. Lucky then walked home, probably not using the old arrow through the head trick. And as usual, the liberal, anti-war media is taking the cat’s side.
Do you want a FREE computer virus? CLICK HERE to get one!
Stupid people are everywhere, and an online ad proved that recently. Didier Stevens of Finland put a text ad online through Google’s Adword service advertising a free virus for their computer just by clicking. It was an empty threat, but still, 409 people clicked on the ad during its 6-month run.
This is unacceptable of Google to allow Internet users to be vulnerable to attack like that. This blog would complain, but we use Blogger, a Google service as our host, GMail as our e-mail and Google Notebook for our link organization.
