We all want to be smarter than our peers, whether at work, at the bar or on your choice of Internet forums. It’s a need we must fill since we can no longer feign offense and duel whenever threatened (stupid anti-killing laws and their activist judges). But if you can’t actually be more intelligent, The Guys have cooked up this definitive guide to sounding more intelligent.
Tools:
Any Radiohead CD, or downloaded music since *scoff* nobody buys CDs anymore
Glasses
A handy thesaurus
Vegan lifestyle
A second job to afford more expensive beer
Awareness of the UK
1) Listen to Radiohead. Everyone knows geniuses listen to Radiohead. Bring it up in conversation as much as possible because geniuses require street cred and Nickelback won’t cut the mustard.
2) Wear glasses. Whether they are smart and sassy lightweight frames or thick Rivers Cuomo birth control devices, you will instantly appear smarter. If you are trying to appear smarter online, make your avatar a picture of you in your spectacles. To accentuate the point, use ::actions:: to stress your bespectacled nature.
Example:
::cleans glasses to make sure he read that right:: you actually think canada’s health system works? have you even seen “kids in the hall?”
3) Adopt a vegan lifestyle. Nothing sets you apart from all of your contemporary dullards like moral superiority. Whenever you discover an animal abuse case, bring it to everyone’s attention and mention your lifestyle. Animal abuses include: clubbing mammals, wearing fur, eating meat, selling cats in jars and casually mentioning or joking about any of the following.
4) Always use the bigger word. Every so often, you will accidentally use a smaller, simpler word to make your point. So long as you haven’t hit the “submit” button, you still have a chance. Consult your thesaurus and look for the bigger–and, therefore, better–word. A handy rule of thumb is to opt for vowels ending in “-ize.” Instead of “use”, say “utilize.” And why say “changed” when your mailing address could have “evolved?”
5) Never admit you watch television. Television is what the ordinary masses watch, not geniuses. Like your admiration for Radiohead, bring up your non-television viewing habits as much as possible.
Addendum: It is acceptable to say you watch television if it is to only watch PBS, Discovery, the History Channel, C-SPAN Books or foreign language channels. The news is still unacceptable because geniuses read The New York Times or The Wall Street Journal for current events.
6) Become a beer snob. This is a must. The bourgeoisie and proletariats drink Bud Light, so you must change your drinking habits to reflect an assumed worldliness. Unfortunately, tastes require a gradual cultivation. Start with Guinness, although it may be difficult to stomach without Jameson’s and Bailey’s. Then find a independently owned beer and wine shop, and purchase micro brew sample packs (notice I said “purchase” and not “buy”). Whether you adopt dark, hop-heavy or even Miller High Life clones that cost more, always point out the unrecognizable label and advise others where to find it. That’s how they know that you’re even a smarter drinker.
7) No matter the situation, offer advice. And when you do so, consider “offer” to be a euphemism. You’ve been everywhere and observed everything, so there is nothing under the sun that you can’t advise on. If someone complains of a headache, ask where it hurts, indicating what part of the brain is effected and what might cause that. When someone is going to buy a house, explain interest rates and the current status of the market to them. Advise military officers as to why their strategies are failing and what to do instead. Even if you are a male, you will explain your girlfriend’s reproductive organs to her.
8) Try to sound as British as possible. When you make a joke, do it in the accent, especially if it’s one of your killer puns. Also, use popular British English modifiers, such as “quite” and “rather,” instead of “very” or “much.” When writing, use British spellings as much as possible: “colour.” If possible, use their pronunciations for aluminium, or spell them out phonetically. You get bonus genius points if you use the character map to bullet point the syllables in your phonetic spelling.
Now, go forth and be smug, you genius you. You may not have earned it, but you’ll convince others that you have.
