If there’s any life lesson rarely passed along to children, it’s how to unclasp a bra … with, hopefully, dignity. Since parents don’t realize that kids already get the biological parts explained to them at school and in prison, they often skip the steps leading up to a home run. After all, there are three bases on the way to home plate and you have to touch each bag, and most batters will only reach second during their early careers. In order to fill this gap in your education, the Guys are stepping up to the coach’s corner.
Please note that this How To is not just for guys. We like to think this guide will also be helpful to lesbians and women dating transvestites.
Tools:
Instructions:
1. Locate the clasp of the bra. As sex is a death sport (see our future How To on avoiding the HIV), most of your introductory interaction is face-to-face, so you will need to fumble around the back for the tell-tale signs of a dorsal clasp: (a) an overlapping seam where the two straps meet, and (b) the hooks and latches, typically arrayed in 2 or 3 columns and rows.
If no such apparatuses (apparati?) are found, direct your probe to the front between the cups. If the bra is, indeed, front-clasping, then proceed to step 5.
2. Remember that bras are like Zippo lighters. The more panache you show in opening one, the more deserving you are of what’s inside (in both cases, fire). You must, therefore, attempt it one-handed before moving on to two-handed approaches.
a. Place your choice of index, middle, or both fingers between the clasp and skin.
b. Place your thumb over the clasp.
c. Apply pressure between your thumb and finger(s) and slide your thumb towards the seam. This motion is similar to a snapping motion, only without the embarrassment of looking like an extra from West Side Story.
d. Repeat only once if method fails. The only thing less sexy than ineptitude is persistent ineptitude.
3. Should step 2 fail, then you’ll have to resort to a two-handed method. There’s no shame, so long as you get this on the first try.
a. Grasp the bottom strap near the clasp with your thumb between the strap and skin.
b. Grasp the top strap immediately over the clasp.
c. Test the hooks lightly to make sure you won’t manhandle the operation, bear-hugging the wearer with underwire.
d. Slide the hooks out of the latches.
e. Do not repeat if method fails.
4. If the two-hand method fails, then resort to brute force. Sure, you’ll look like an idiot with a broken bra in your hands, but whoever said that Conan isn’t a stud?
a. Grasp each strap firmly in both hands.
b. Say a brief, private prayer. Wait, no. You’re probably committing a sin, so any prayer will be either ignored or answered with hilarious consequences.
c. Yank for all you’re worth.
d. Present the former wearer with a gift certificate to Victoria’s Secret afterwards. You’re a beast and a financially responsible provider.
5. Should the bra be fastened in the front, please say you didn’t try steps 1-4. If you did and step 4 worked, way to be. Otherwise, fold the bra between the cups inward to towards the wearer’s chest. Slide the interlaced hooks apart in opposing vertical motions.
Congratulations! Assuming this was consensual, you should now be the proud witness of a bare chest. For a how-to regarding third base, consult your local library’s self-help section. Happy belated Mammorial Day!
