The War on Animals is a complicated affair, sweeping battlefronts large and small. The smallest enemies are, of course, mosquitoes. We’ve fought mosquitoes for over 2,000 years at this point in an ever-escalating biological and chemical weapons arms race.
It wasn’t always this way. We waged the majority of this war using conventional weapons (fly swatters, open-fists, the bug zapper), being the bigger men in spite of mosquito’s preferred biological weapon: itchy venom.
However, once they introduced weaponized malaria into their arsenal, we could no longer fight a reactionary, defensive war. The chemical weapon DDT almost wiped out all malaria-armed units, but we scaled back once we received accusations of war crimes from Rachel Carson.
The war cooled off, returning to defensive tactics and aggravating bumps, but mosquitoes stepped up biological weapon production in 2003 when they unleashed West Nile. And our top defense experts predict another attack any day now.
To date, West Nile has killed six American humans. That’s six too many. The blame-America environmentalists refuse to allow a return to the good old days: the days of DDT and other industrial chemical weapons. They call these weapons cruel and dangerous.
That’s the point, pinkos. We kill enough of them so that they don’t mess with humans. If they didn’t want to vomit up their tiny, burning lungs, then they shouldn’t have started this war. We cannot afford to wait until they strike again–that doesn’t save lives. But preemptive attacks do save lives … well, ours.
… Except for the smaller animals. And children and the elderly. But small animals and children are animals, and this is a War on Animals. Elderly, we’ll miss you, but thank you for voting Republican.
If you do not support the War on Animals, then you are aiding the enemy. And that makes you a traitor.