If recent news has shown us anything, it’s that staying in jail is hard to do. Apparently the stark, cramped setting we call prison is–get this–depressing. Without the proper preparations, you may find your self sobbing inconsolably, losing weight, finding religion and calling Barbara Walters. The Guys find that almost as disturbing as what they do to fresh fish, so here’s our how-to guide on serving your jail sentence in full.
Tools:
Anus
Prison Stationary (Toilet Paper can substitute)
Pen (Blood can substitute)
Laziness
Magic Marker or Chisel (Blood can substitute again)
Ability to grow facial hair
1) Show up. According to most experts, showing up is 90% of any effort. This is especially true for jail since your only job is to be there … and the stamping the occasional license plate.
2) Stay there. Seriously, where do you expect to go? It’s not like this is the 1930s. You know they’re building a fence around Mexico, right? Just think of it like a dorm room, with the promise to your parents that you’ll stay there until you can afford a crappy apartment (i.e., a halfway house).
3) Smuggle things in your anus. We know you promised yourself to never do that again after that night in college, but how else can you sneak stuff in? We suggest the following criteria for determining what does or does not go “where the sun don’t shine:” is it smaller than a breadbox, and will lubrication ruin it?
4) Get a pen pal. We suggest a former sex offender teacher. They want a relationship in which they are in control, (presumably) know how to write, and seem pretty perverted. You are in a nine-by-nine box with no outside access, can learn to write now that you have no internet, and are definitely perverted. It’s a win-win situation.
5) Do not find religion. New religions are like new puppies. Sure, they’re cute, but they also generate a lot of poop. Puppies expect you to clean up after them; religions demand it. Not only that, but you’re already in jail. What if you pick the wrong religion and wind up in Hell, too? Just mind your P’s and Q’s, buster, and you can sort out the afterlife once you’re out.
6) Do not volunteer for a worker program. What the hell are these people thinking? The state’s already feeding you, clothing you, and providing a place to sleep and workout. What do you need to work for? Is there a strip mall in the exercise yard? Use this as a vacation from adult life, once again, like college.
7) Count your days with hash marks. There’s a prison cliche that needs to come back. If you’re only serving a few weeks for embezzlement, then count the hours. If possible, grow a beard like the Count of Monte Cristo. Stylin’!
Alright, you should be all prepared for the big house. Just keep an eye out for those celebrity prisoners: they’re pretty emo. And in the words of Office Space, “Watch your cornhole.” Unless, of course, you’ve got a iPhone in there.
