While most people think they have bad days when they miss a train or don’t get the promotion they hoped for, it does get worse. This is a lesson one man in Washington state learned the very, very hard way.
He was fishing in a river when his boat hit a downed tree. His fingers got caught and the boat started to sink. In a brazen move to stay alive, the fisherman cut off the tips of two of his fingers with a pocket knife to avoid death.
Then help arrived a few minutes later.
Hey, kids! We’re sure you’ve had this argument before:
Billy: I’m older!
Jimmy: No, I’m older!
Billy: I’m older because I’m 8 and you’re 7.
Jimmy: Well … I’ll be 8 on my birthday!
Billy: I’ll already be 8, and then I’ll be 9 on my birthday, dummyhead.
Doesn’t it hurt when you’re called a dummyhead? Don’t you wish you could show Billy who’s the dummyhead, make all the pain go away and be older than him on your next birthday?
Your wish has been granted, thanks to guns!
Now your parents and teachers may say guns are dangerous, but who are they kidding? Adults have settled disputes with guns since the days of the early Egyptians! (Bryan, can you check the date on the first working gun?)
Why, if it weren’t for guns, you’d be speaking English right now because we never would have killed the king in 1776! Extreme, right?!
So how can guns be dangerous when they solve all of your problems? Of course they can’t. Fortunately, now you know better.
Sharks are obviously a big threat to us in the War on Animals. They lurk beneath the waves, they attack beachgoers at random more off America’s shores than anywhere else and they have their own theme music.
But now it seems they are crossbreeding, possibly to form the perfect killing machine. A dead pregnant blacktip reef shark at the Virginia Aquarium was found to have an unusual looking unborn offspring. Veterinarians believe its father was not a blacktip reef shark.
We should all be thankful the shark was not born. Who knows what could have resulted from the unholy union?
Key quote: “‘We must have had hanky panky’ in the shark tank, he thought.”
Teenage boys are among the biggest fans of breasts, except, as it turns out, when those breasts are on their own chests. Apparently last year, 14,000 boys between the ages of 13 and 19 underwent breast reduction surgery.
That’s roughly 70 percent of everyone who had the operation. What does this mean for our teens? It means boys are finding they are not getting the manly pectoral muscles they expect at the tail end of puberty. Instead, they are getting some budding boobs.
Take it from SG, boys. While no guy likes having their own breasts, getting man boobs means you really are a man, so start shaving your legs and drinking appletinis.
