Cut it out
Posted on June 25, 2007
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How many times does a barber have to stab someone with scissors before losing their license? Surprisingly, more than once.
Key quote: “The barber stabbed another client with scissors in 2000. The man later died of his wounds, although the barber was cleared of any charges after a court found he had acted in self-defense.” [emphasis ours]
Written by Rick SneeThe McBournie Minute: Search engines
Posted on June 25, 2007
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I’ve definitely written about commercials in the past. I think they are indicative of what Americans will fall for and what ad people think Americans will fall for. Today’s topic is the new ads from Ask.com (no, we will not link to them out of spite).
We get that you’ve got some new algorithm, but musical commercials are a little over the top. Those are not the worst part, either. The first commercial is a guy singing about what he found online, the back-up singers are all women, some of them dressed in medieval garb, others dressed like pirates, gothic, etc. All of them are armed. At the end of the commercial, we find he searched for “chicks with swords.” Seriously.
The second one is a woman. The commercial runs along the same lines as the other one–singing, dancing, images in the background. We see her sing about finding things, and male back-up dancers, who are wearing what looks to be long-haired masks that look to be from the Halloween movies. In the background we see images of Kato Kaelin. At the end, the dancers bring Kaelin himself on stage, hoisting him above their heads in a chair. She was searching for him.
There is really only one conclusion you can draw from this: white people have strange fetishes and no one helps them find their fetishes better than Ask.com.
Written by Bryan McBournieMasterChugs Theater: ‘Duck Soup’
Posted on June 22, 2007
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A quick warning to all: Duck Soup is the funniest movie ever made. There. I said it. Now, onto the rest of the review.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorAttention, peoples of Earth:
Posted on June 22, 2007
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Not everything is about you.
Out of concern for other terms possibly denigrating others, this blog suggests the following nomenclature changes:
1) The “Yellow-Bellied Sapsucker” must now be called the “Goldenrod-Bellied Sap Consumer.” We’re sorry nobody addressed this sooner, Asians and homosexuals.
2) “Black boxes” on airliners must now be called “dark, fireproof recording device enclosures.” This will alleviate the feelings of African-Americans and women.
3) Communists will resume being called “Commies,” but not “Reds” or “Pinkos.” It was insentive to imply Native Americans, homosexuals and Grease characters embrace the ideology of Marxism and/or Leninism.
4) “Earl Grey tea” will now be called “Earl Ashen tea” out of respect to visiting extraterrestrials who might be insulted that we consume a beverage obviously named after them.
Written by Rick SneeFighting fire higher
Posted on June 22, 2007
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The country’s firefighters face danger at a moment’s notice, that’s why they’re called the bravest. But in Edinburg, Texas, some firefighters were exposed to unspeakable danger while battling one blaze.
They fought fire at a warehouse, which they found out later stored marijuana. Let’s just say the firefighters were really hungry after they put the fire out. Strange as it may sound, they did this on “Rescue Me” last season.
Written by Bryan McBournieStew time at the airport
Posted on June 22, 2007
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This blog knows it has heavily covered War on Animals this week. We blame it on their summer campaign. Everyone knows animals are more active during the summer.
Their latest attack was closing down an airport in Milan for a few hours on Sunday. Hares have been blocking planes landing and taking off by running around the airport, including the runways. So airport workers mounted a “daylight raid” against them.
Key quote: “Wild hares at Milan’s Linate airport seem to have only one thing on their mind, and their excessive mating and growing numbers have blocked takeoffs, landings and radar systems.”
You see? It’s the only thing they have on their minds. They just keep breeding so they will have more drones to wreak havoc on the airport.
Written by Bryan McBournieHow To: Survive karaoke
Posted on June 21, 2007
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It happens to even the most seasoned of bar flies. When you first walked into the bar, everyone was making fun of the people who were dumb enough to be up there singing karaoke. Now a few drinks in, that fat guy up there really sounds like Aretha Franklin, and aside from the goatee, is starting to look like her. Before you know it, your name is called to go up, even though you never signed up. Here’s how to survive karaoke without committing hara-kiri.
Tools:
Vocal chords
Microphone
Cash
Cellular phone
Beverage
1) Bring a bunch of people up with you. This is always your best bet. As your friends shove you to the stage, latch on to as many people as you can. You might as well make them sing with you, after all, it was those bastards who signed you up for it as a lark in the first place. When you have a group, there are more voices to drown your own out, more so, there are rarely more than two microphones available, so you can opt not to sing into one as your friends croon. Let’s just hope this is the farewell tour and not the reunion.
2) Come up with a good excuse. What’s that guys? I’m next up for karaoke? But I was just about to get up and order us a round of shots. Why don’t one of you cover for me? That’s how you do it. Think of a good enough reason to be somewhere else at that moment. The more likely it is to benefit your friends, the more forgiving they will be and let you out of your much-anticipated acoustic show. Faking an important cell phone call is another classic. It not only is easy to pull off and saves you from explaining until you get back, but it gets you out of that loud barroom for as long as you please.
3) Improvise like it’s your job. Alright, you suck at singing, or at least you know you’re not good enough to be performing in front of a live audience, so it’s time to get the crowd going. This is a trait of all the best lead singers in history. During a concert, does the lead singer come out, sing the song as he stares at a television screen, looking like he wants to soil himself? No. Only Mick Jagger does that, and it’s not from nerves. While the intro is playing, get the crowd pumped–scream into the mic, only coherent at times. Tell everyone to hold their drinks up and take a swig with you. If you get them on your side early, there’s a better chance they won’t be throwing rotten tomatoes at you later, or at least they will throw fresh ones.
4) Sing “Low Rider.” It’s a pretty easy song originally performed by War. There are only a few notes, no complicated rhythms, repetitive lyrics and long jam sessions. Even if you have had pieces of your brain removed for scientific experimentation you can easily handle this song. What’s that? The karaoke DJ has another song all queued up? Tough cookies, bub. The people want to hear “Low Rider,” and by all that is inebriated, that’s what the people are going to get!
So there you have it. Commit these tips to memory, because you would look kind of pathetic if you printed this out and brought it out with you. Go out and show them you can duck their lame attempts at pranks, and don’t hang around for an encore.
Written by Bryan McBournieWarrior of the Week
Posted on June 21, 2007
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Whether we like it or not, every single one of us is a soldier, or at least treated as such, in the War on Animals. Why? Because our enemy treats us all the same. This week we honor one warrior whose valor stands as an example to the rest of us.
Dale Rippy, 62, a Vietnam veteran who served his country well, was attacked outside his home in Florida by a bobcat earlier this week. Normally, the story does not end well, but this one has a twist. The bobcat came after Rippy, so he fought back and strangled the bobcat, which tests later showed, was rabid.
This vet went from killing Charlie to killing cheetahs. So today SG salutes Rippy for his courage and quick thinking. Remember folks, this war has no front line, you could be found in the middle of a battle at any time.
Written by Bryan McBournieIntarwub n00ws
Posted on June 21, 2007
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Searching for porn is no longer a ticket to a computer infected with malware. Searching for unicorns or pictures of cats climbing up drapes? You’re on your own, buddy.
Also, question time: why would China possibly want to censor Flickr? Oh, right … that whole Tienanmen Square thing. I guess that was more question AND answer time instead.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorLooking for the newest it place to visit?
Posted on June 21, 2007
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Come on over to Latvia! If you make it there this weekend, you’ll even be able to participate in their nude fun run, held in honor of the summer solstice. While it maybe all ages (ew), there is one good part:
“Police will be on hand in case ‘puritans’ show up in protest, and the hardy runners will be rewarded with beer.”
Survival of the fittest has never been so quenching.
Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor « go back — keep looking »