Day: July 3, 2007

From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: July 3, 1863

Friday, July 3, 1863

Divided nation calls for an address

Stop. SeriouslyGuys, your source for news by way of the new “telegraph machine,” has just learned that Union forces have defeated General Robert E. Lee at the agricultural hub that is known as Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. Stop.

No longer will Johnny Reb feast on the fat of northern land. Lee obviously wanted to show that his forces were not just whistling “Dixie.” If only that phrase would catch on.

This telegraph news service thinks it is time for our beloved president, whom we believe is the best our nation has had since Millard Fillmore, to give us some kind of a speech at the now-hallowed ground. Perhaps it could start off with some flashy way of saying how many years our proud country has existed.

Dodo is fightless, not fightless

Scientists have unearthed a skeleton of a dodo bird and are looking forward to studying it. However, gloating in our victory over the flightless bird can be taken too far.

Key quote: “‘The geneticists who want to get their hands on this will be skipping down the street,’ he said, after bringing the last of the remains to the surface.”

Skipping or not, we cannot allow these geneticists to get their hands on the skeleton. Undoubtedly they intend to take DNA from the bones. We all know what happens after that–they try cloning the dodo bird and before you know it, we have a real-life hell with shades of Jurassic Park, only without Jeff Goldblum. Holy chaos theory!

The 180 proof is in the survey

Good morning, everyone. While you’re finishing your first glass of whiskey, we have some startling news for you, and probably untrue, for that matter. More than 30 percent of Americans say they have had problems with alcohol.

Now, drink your chaser, American. It’s time to realize something brutally important: your neighbor is probably one of these people. Go over there and hold an intervention. Better yet, take the guy’s booze away from him. That will keep him safe.