Day: July 13, 2007

MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Crippled Masters’

Reasons Why You Should Seek Out And Watch The Crippled Masters:

-The VHS box art is awesome yet tells you everything you need to know about the movie.

-The one sentence gist: two kung fu masters, one without arms the other without legs, fight an evil warlord who has a metal hump on his back.

-It’s very educational. For example, did you know that having both your arms cut off produces very little blood and that a removed arm will leave a nub? What about that feudal China possessed concentrated acid capable of rendering a man legless? Betcha won’t learn that in your smarty-smart books.

-Like Superman, you will believe that a man can fly. Except in the case of The Crippled Masters, you will believe that a man walking on his hands can outrun most guards.

-A guy with one arm and a nub fights alongside a man with no legs. It’s the original high concept movie.

-C’mon, it’s got a guy with one arm and another that’s legless fighting. Do you really need a better reason to watch this movie?

They never forget to attack

Citizens of Toronto, are you alright? Three circus elephants escaped in your city and weren’t caught for some time. Where did they head? Right to where their enemy lives–the suburbs.

The Toronto Three, also known as Suzy, Bunny and Minny, escaped from their cage in Jurassic Park-esque style. The electric fence holding them in was turned off, so they soon broke out. Minny fell asleep shortly after the escape, but the other two kept going, proving there is no honor amongst elephants.

From bird flu to elephants in the streets, no city on Earth has a better understanding of the War on Animals than Toronto. This blog salutes the brave inhabitants of that city.

Free show for the pure

Are you extremely poor? Do you live in New York? Are you willing to embarrass yourself for free tickets to a play? First off, you need to re-evaluate your priorities. Secondly, we may have found the perfect play for you.

Just one catch, you need to prove you are a virgin in order to get into the “My First Time” show. But odds are if you are a virgin, you are probably more interested in Star Wars.

Key quote: “‘There are a limited number of “virgin tickets” available,’ he said. ‘However, there are not that many virgins in New York City.'”