Intolerable Cruelty, bears all the hallmarks of a romance–a dashing hero, a beautiful heroine, a series of trials. Yet here the hero is a successful divorce lawyer, the heroine is a manipulative gold-digger, the trials take place in a courtroom, and instead of a heart-piercing Cupid armed with arrows, there’s a private investigator armed with a video camera.
Month: August 2007
Irony in a Shakespeare play? What’s the world coming to?
Irony continues to lash out at the world today, but this time in Aspen, Colorado. An actor playing Brutus in William Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar accidentally stabbed himself during the famous assassination scene.
We tried to get a quote out of the Bard, but calls to his home in Stratford-upon-Avon have not been returned.
Irony lost on private school children
Catholic high school students shouted “white power” in a heated classroom debate over immigration.
Let me repeat that: Catholic high school students shouted “white power” in a heated classroom debate over immigration.
Though the Klan has not officially responded, but this blog believes it will be along the lines of sending all papists back to Europe once all the Mexicans are back in Mexico.
Add that to the ‘private’ collection
Call it an ancient trophy. Recently, a fossil from a walrus that lived 12,000 years ago sold for $8,000. No, it wasn’t a skeleton, it was a single bone. In fact, it was a penis bone.
Oh yeah, and it’s 4 1/2 feet long. It’s gut check time, guys. This blog is still getting over the fact that walruses (walri?) have bones in their manly parts. It’s always been used for slang, but these things seems to really be able to back it up. Good thing we killed these things thousands of years ago.
War Journal: Annapolis
Annapolis, Maryland
8/29/2007
6:03 p.m.
As I promised, as soon as I left work, I hightailed it to the U.S. Naval Academy to hunt and kill the green pigeon before it uses its superpowers to harm the good people of Maryland. I will admit, I did have to stop back at my apartment to pick up some supplies, but now I am locked and loaded and ready to go.
I brought along this journal to record this hunt and to inspire others to do the same. After all, we’re at war.
The report I read said the booger-colored bird is located on the U.S. Naval Academy campus. My plan of attack is to take my 12-gauge over to that part of campus and watching the skies. Here goes nothing.
6:29 p.m.
Battered and bruised. Here is a tip for all of you warriors out there: do not try to run onto a military campus of any sort carrying a firearm. I did not make it more than a foot past the gate before I was pummeled by security guards. I think they were Navy, I could not really tell. All I saw was a series of fists coming toward me.
In between blows, I managed to tell them I was heading to the construction site of the new Naval Academy athletic center. They told me I was on the wrong side of the Severn River, took my piece, and resumed beating me.
Somehow I staggered back to my car. It hurts to hold this pen. Time to drive over to the bridge and try again.
7:19 p.m.
I am back in action. I have parked my car and I’m heading to the construction site. It’s time to go back into battle. I do not know where I will find a weapon, since mine was confiscated. But I am a dedicated warrior and I will prevail. Luckily, I am bringing my journal with me.
I think I just spat out a tooth.
7:53 p.m.
I found a fallen branch and sharpened the end to make a spear. Then I went down to the banks of the river Severn and covered my face in mud. Finally, I covered myself in female pigeon urine–don’t ask.
It is a very primal feeling I have now. I feel almost like an animal. How can I possibly feel like the enemy I fight? I sit here, crouched behind a bush, ready to pounce on this colorful avian and all I can think of is home. I miss it so much. I swear if I ever get out of this hell hole, I will go home and start all over. I had a lot of plans before this terrible war began, I guess the war ruined a lot of plans for everyone. The would has gone mad.
I need to stop writing now so I can keep my eyes looking for my prey.
8:03 p.m.
Terrible news. I was sitting there, watching the last of the sunlight sink into the west, when a copy of today’s (Annapolis) Capital rolled by. There on the front page was a blurb about the green pigeon. There, it said the bird returned to its owners south of Annapolis late last night. It was a homing pigeon, owned by Every Celebration–a company owned by a brother and sister, aged 9 and 12. They were unavailable for comment because they were AT SCHOOL! (Link unavailable, but it’s true.)
The theory is the bird got lost during a storm over the weekend. Even so, children own a company and are creating superpower-ful birds? Animals and their allies must be destroyed! Tomorrow is another day and another battle!
We all have bad days …
… but sometimes, a person just shouldn’t live where they are.
It’s pretty bad when the failure music from The Price Is Right is essentially the music that plays in the background of your life.
Luka-luka-luka-luka-beeeeeeeeer
We know it seems like the perfect crime, but doing a naked hula dance to distract a clerk so your buddies can steal beer rarely works out the way you’d hope–especially if you’re not sexy or a hula girl. Next time try wearing a coconut bra. And be female.
Don’t let it get your goat
Animal heads have been popping up in the news a whole lot more lately. They seem to be an instrument for revenge or intimidation. That is just fine with this blog, as long as they are not using human heads.
Recently, a Wisconsin attorney had someone send her a gift bag. In the middle of it was a goat head and a threatening note that read “Baaaaaah.”
Take it from Snee: Hollywood has been RAMed
At this point, 75 heroes have lent their names on The Facebook to claim their right to bear any and all arms, as afforded by the Constitution of the United States. That’s not a drastic surge from two weeks ago’s total of 71, but the Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia picks its battles.
(Maybe a Switchblades-for-Lunchboxes Drive in front of elementary schools? Let me know.)
Today, I’d like to switch focus from our own efforts to those of an unlikely ally: Hollywood. For all of its over-the-top liberal idealism, the film studios of Lala-land have routinely put out movies that stress that all Americans have the right to bear the most “dangeous” of weapons that would place the average citizen on par with our Department of Defense.
I don’t mean movies that glamorize guns: they’re the tip of the C-4 laden iceberg. I mean movies that feature heroes welding arsenals above and beyond what the wimpy NRA can stomach.
The Astronaut Farmer
I haven’t seen this movie, but I’ve heard about it, which is more than enough to praise or pan a film according to opponents of The Passion or Dogma.
Apparently Billy Bob Thornton reprises his role from Armageddon: the astronaut with some crippling flaw that prevents him from flying into space, whether its a public school education or actually being crippled. Instead of sticking with his cushy desk job (or cushy plough job), he builds a rocket capable of reaching orbit in his barn. The government, trying to hold him back, decides that civilians shouldn’t have rockets, but he builds it anyway and, presumably, goes into space.
This movie is important to our cause because an orbital rocket is really a balistic missile, minus the balistic. Billy Bob, who doesn’t take guff off of bears with bad news, has better ideas than to let The Man take away his pride and arms.
The Manhattan Project
Not only does this movie feature a reasonably hot Cynthia Nixon (the vaguely annoying/sexless redhead on Sex and the City), but also lasers, homemade nuclear bombs and a cool remote control truck.
The main character is a high school student who protests a secret government plutonium lab with his own nuclear bomb made with self-taught derring-do … and plutonium stolen from said secret lab.
This movie’s importance is dictated by arguably attractive Nixon in an article for her school paper: Paul Stevens is the first private citizen to enter the nuclear club.
Evil Dead 2
When evil is poised to usurp our bodies, what is our only viable option? Stopping said evil with a chainsaw.
Although this movie and its more popular sequel, Army of Darkness, augment Bruce Campbell’s arsenal with a sawed-off shotgun (ho-hum), the chainsaw is iconic. Sam Raimi cleverly realized that the right to bear arms includes lawn tools in place of hands, and RAM thanks him for it.
That’s only three examples out of thousands of films Hollywood has made to bolster our effort. With the Michael Bays of the world at our side, there’s no way we CAN’T win the hearts and minds of the popcorn-munching public.
UPDATE: Hollywood has very important news for us! Today is the 10 year anniversary of SkyNet blowing us all to smithereens, which is yet another reason to arm ourselves with anything at hand.
Dr. Seuss was ahead of his time
Attention citizens of Annapolis: be on the lookout for an unusually colored pigeon flying as free as a, well, bird. That’s right, everyone, a green pigeon is currently at large on the grounds of the U.S. Naval Academy.
Earlier today, we tried to warn everyone about animals getting super abilities to aid in the battle they fight against us, but it appears the warning came far too late. This pigeon more than likely gets really strong and irritable when it gets angry. At the very least, think of how stealthy it can be, hiding in foliage and then pooping its green poop on your head.
The horror.
This brave soldier lives near Annapolis, so as soon as I get off of work, I am going to storm the U.S. Naval Academy campus with a shotgun. I’m sure nothing will go wrong.