Take it from Snee: Fight terror with terror (and RAM!)
Posted on August 8, 2007
Filed Under Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia, Take it from Snee | 1 Comment |
After two weeks, I’m proud to announce that the Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia has really taken off. Already, 70 heroes have pledged to defend the entire Second Amendment, unlike the NRA and similar groups.
Which brings us to our first order of business: our name. Personally, I love the name, but it’s a little … how do you say? Long. It’s time to shorten that puppy down into one intimidating abbreviation. After much deliberation and some Harry Potter-inspired nominations, the group’s press name shall be RAM. (The “Snee” is silent.)
Not only is RAM shorter, but it bears double significance as an acronym that lets the nation know that our movement is a ram, beating at the gates of fear-mongering by those who would disarm us. At least until they pour hot oil on us (the use of which we also advocate).
Next up: what issues shall we tackle? After much brainstorming at my think tank (me, Johnny, Jack, Jim and Jose), I’ve realized there’s one thing I hate more than anything else: terrorism. Yes–not to risk going against the grain, but–I hate terrorists, terror and terrifying things in general unless I’m the terrible one.
If it weren’t for terrorists, we wouldn’t have to stand in lines at the airport. Lines to give them our baggage, lines to get in the terminal, lines to sit down and put our shoes back on, lines for random body cavity searches (would they just search me already?!). Lines and terrorism have to go.
And so my collegues and I have devised a plan.
Everyone knows that most violent crimes could be prevented if more people were armed. It is a proven fact that armed crime rates could hypothetically go down if there might be more weapons in the streets, potentially maybe. That’s right: I’m not afraid to use facts.
It’s time for action, and that is why we will lobby the FAA to permit all passengers to carry their constitutionally-protected arms on aircraft. No searches equals no lines. And if all passengers are armed, then terrorists will never be able to carry their weapons on board, thanks to terror. Bingo, terrorism solved. You’re welcome. Our aircraft will become the safest in the world, other than Quantas.
This plan doesn’t just apply to aircraft. Believe it or not, there’s domestic crime, too. The sure-fire way to prevent Americans from maiming each other with weapons is to guarantee their right to carry as many weapons as they want. Could bank robberies happen if anyone could walk in with a gun? Absolutely not. What about at public schools where weapons could be traded like sack lunches? Not on your life. Why live our lives with coulds when we should be living with shoulds?
Terrorism can only be prevented with more terror; armed crime can only be prevented with more arms. And those are arms that the Second Amendment and RAM will fight for.
Written by Rick SneeNo longer filled full of lead
Posted on August 8, 2007
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A German woman had ended a 55-year relationship with a pencil. Stop it, that’s not what I mean, you perverts.
A pencil embedded in her cheek and brain for 55 years was finally removed now that medical technology has advanced. The woman is said to be recovering safely, but is really tired of people asking her for a pencil.
Written by Bryan McBournieYou’re only as young as you feel
Posted on August 8, 2007
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Baby boomers have stopped having sex ever since being afflicted with the dreaded condition known as “old and tired.” Guess we know which generation isn’t the greatest in the sack.
In other news, the image of your parents copulating can still give you nightmares.
In more other news, your mom never lost her step and is a beast beneath the sheets.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorLife imitating art?
Posted on August 8, 2007
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[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lg39T3OESSs]
He’d probably get away with it if he didn’t have the gigantic POLICE on the side of the car. Just saying, is all.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorSometimes toys can blow your mind
Posted on August 8, 2007
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Strange things have been known to come out of the sea. Heck, monsters are occasionally around for tourists to take poor-quality photographs and videos, thereby giving a boost to the local economy.
Earlier this week, a giant Lego man was pulled from the sea off the coast of a Dutch resort. The man was saved and brought to shore, where he was resuscitated and now stands guarding the drinks stall.
The Lego man is wearing a shirt that says “NO REAL THAN YOU ARE.” How’s that for deep?
Written by Bryan McBournie