Take it from Snee: Hollywood has been RAMed
Posted on August 29, 2007
Filed Under Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia, Take it from Snee | 3 Comments |
At this point, 75 heroes have lent their names on The Facebook to claim their right to bear any and all arms, as afforded by the Constitution of the United States. That’s not a drastic surge from two weeks ago’s total of 71, but the Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia picks its battles.
(Maybe a Switchblades-for-Lunchboxes Drive in front of elementary schools? Let me know.)
Today, I’d like to switch focus from our own efforts to those of an unlikely ally: Hollywood. For all of its over-the-top liberal idealism, the film studios of Lala-land have routinely put out movies that stress that all Americans have the right to bear the most “dangeous” of weapons that would place the average citizen on par with our Department of Defense.
I don’t mean movies that glamorize guns: they’re the tip of the C-4 laden iceberg. I mean movies that feature heroes welding arsenals above and beyond what the wimpy NRA can stomach.
The Astronaut Farmer
I haven’t seen this movie, but I’ve heard about it, which is more than enough to praise or pan a film according to opponents of The Passion or Dogma.
Apparently Billy Bob Thornton reprises his role from Armageddon: the astronaut with some crippling flaw that prevents him from flying into space, whether its a public school education or actually being crippled. Instead of sticking with his cushy desk job (or cushy plough job), he builds a rocket capable of reaching orbit in his barn. The government, trying to hold him back, decides that civilians shouldn’t have rockets, but he builds it anyway and, presumably, goes into space.
This movie is important to our cause because an orbital rocket is really a balistic missile, minus the balistic. Billy Bob, who doesn’t take guff off of bears with bad news, has better ideas than to let The Man take away his pride and arms.
The Manhattan Project
Not only does this movie feature a reasonably hot Cynthia Nixon (the vaguely annoying/sexless redhead on Sex and the City), but also lasers, homemade nuclear bombs and a cool remote control truck.
The main character is a high school student who protests a secret government plutonium lab with his own nuclear bomb made with self-taught derring-do … and plutonium stolen from said secret lab.
This movie’s importance is dictated by arguably attractive Nixon in an article for her school paper: Paul Stevens is the first private citizen to enter the nuclear club.
Evil Dead 2
When evil is poised to usurp our bodies, what is our only viable option? Stopping said evil with a chainsaw.
Although this movie and its more popular sequel, Army of Darkness, augment Bruce Campbell’s arsenal with a sawed-off shotgun (ho-hum), the chainsaw is iconic. Sam Raimi cleverly realized that the right to bear arms includes lawn tools in place of hands, and RAM thanks him for it.
That’s only three examples out of thousands of films Hollywood has made to bolster our effort. With the Michael Bays of the world at our side, there’s no way we CAN’T win the hearts and minds of the popcorn-munching public.
UPDATE: Hollywood has very important news for us! Today is the 10 year anniversary of SkyNet blowing us all to smithereens, which is yet another reason to arm ourselves with anything at hand.
Written by Rick SneeDr. Seuss was ahead of his time
Posted on August 29, 2007
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Attention citizens of Annapolis: be on the lookout for an unusually colored pigeon flying as free as a, well, bird. That’s right, everyone, a green pigeon is currently at large on the grounds of the U.S. Naval Academy.
Earlier today, we tried to warn everyone about animals getting super abilities to aid in the battle they fight against us, but it appears the warning came far too late. This pigeon more than likely gets really strong and irritable when it gets angry. At the very least, think of how stealthy it can be, hiding in foliage and then pooping its green poop on your head.
The horror.
This brave soldier lives near Annapolis, so as soon as I get off of work, I am going to storm the U.S. Naval Academy campus with a shotgun. I’m sure nothing will go wrong.
Written by Bryan McBournieTurn left at strange rock by the sheep
Posted on August 29, 2007
Filed Under Regular Post | Leave a Comment |
Britain says that satellite navigation units are not to be trusted. This would be understandable if not for:
1. Some satellite nav units use “Karen,” a strange British woman to guide people.
2. Their evidence was based out of Wales, a country that has only four words in its native language and none of those words have vowels in them. In Welsh, “satellite technology” means “new age sheep tracker.”
3. Their evidence is also woefully old. Anyone that’s been to my hometown and has attempted to use a satellite nav unit to traverse through there has learned to never trust the unit … it’ll take you through an invisible meadow.
Thirsty much?
Posted on August 29, 2007
Filed Under Regular Post | Leave a Comment |
An Atlantic City councilman and a former council president are charged with blackmail after videotaping another councilman having sex with a hooker. Of course, he claims she wasn’t a prostitute anyway, because the money he gave her was for “sodas,” which is now my favorite go-to excuse.
Saying “go get yourself a soda” is so much nicer and pleasant than “the money’s on the table.” Also, I can only wonder how the guy was videotaped. I mean, if it was via a special surveillance camera, that’s one thing, but if he, a councilman, actually let them dance around him while he’s making sure the lady’s earning her soda money, he might just possibly deserve to be extorted.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorNot exactly Flipper
Posted on August 29, 2007
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Once again, our military is getting wishy-washy in the War on Animals. This blog understands there is more than one war going on, and it’s important to get our troops the best equipment, training and medical treatment in the world, but that should not apply to dolphins.
Our troops are now being forced to get prosthetic limbs made alongside one made for Winter the dolphin. THE ENEMY! Winter lost her tail long ago when she became entangled in a net. Since then she has become to only dolphin to survive without a tail. Giving her a prosthetic tail does nothing but give this animal a chance at becoming more powerful than any other porpoise in the world.
Next we will be affixing lasers to their heads.
Written by Bryan McBournie