War Journal: Annapolis
Posted on August 30, 2007
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Annapolis, Maryland
8/29/2007
6:03 p.m.
As I promised, as soon as I left work, I hightailed it to the U.S. Naval Academy to hunt and kill the green pigeon before it uses its superpowers to harm the good people of Maryland. I will admit, I did have to stop back at my apartment to pick up some supplies, but now I am locked and loaded and ready to go.
I brought along this journal to record this hunt and to inspire others to do the same. After all, we’re at war.
The report I read said the booger-colored bird is located on the U.S. Naval Academy campus. My plan of attack is to take my 12-gauge over to that part of campus and watching the skies. Here goes nothing.
6:29 p.m.
Battered and bruised. Here is a tip for all of you warriors out there: do not try to run onto a military campus of any sort carrying a firearm. I did not make it more than a foot past the gate before I was pummeled by security guards. I think they were Navy, I could not really tell. All I saw was a series of fists coming toward me.
In between blows, I managed to tell them I was heading to the construction site of the new Naval Academy athletic center. They told me I was on the wrong side of the Severn River, took my piece, and resumed beating me.
Somehow I staggered back to my car. It hurts to hold this pen. Time to drive over to the bridge and try again.
7:19 p.m.
I am back in action. I have parked my car and I’m heading to the construction site. It’s time to go back into battle. I do not know where I will find a weapon, since mine was confiscated. But I am a dedicated warrior and I will prevail. Luckily, I am bringing my journal with me.
I think I just spat out a tooth.
7:53 p.m.
I found a fallen branch and sharpened the end to make a spear. Then I went down to the banks of the river Severn and covered my face in mud. Finally, I covered myself in female pigeon urine–don’t ask.
It is a very primal feeling I have now. I feel almost like an animal. How can I possibly feel like the enemy I fight? I sit here, crouched behind a bush, ready to pounce on this colorful avian and all I can think of is home. I miss it so much. I swear if I ever get out of this hell hole, I will go home and start all over. I had a lot of plans before this terrible war began, I guess the war ruined a lot of plans for everyone. The would has gone mad.
I need to stop writing now so I can keep my eyes looking for my prey.
8:03 p.m.
Terrible news. I was sitting there, watching the last of the sunlight sink into the west, when a copy of today’s (Annapolis) Capital rolled by. There on the front page was a blurb about the green pigeon. There, it said the bird returned to its owners south of Annapolis late last night. It was a homing pigeon, owned by Every Celebration–a company owned by a brother and sister, aged 9 and 12. They were unavailable for comment because they were AT SCHOOL! (Link unavailable, but it’s true.)
The theory is the bird got lost during a storm over the weekend. Even so, children own a company and are creating superpower-ful birds? Animals and their allies must be destroyed! Tomorrow is another day and another battle!
Written by Bryan McBournieWe all have bad days …
Posted on August 30, 2007
Filed Under Regular Post | Leave a Comment |
… but sometimes, a person just shouldn’t live where they are.
It’s pretty bad when the failure music from The Price Is Right is essentially the music that plays in the background of your life.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorLuka-luka-luka-luka-beeeeeeeeer
Posted on August 30, 2007
Filed Under Booze News, Sex Sells | Leave a Comment |
We know it seems like the perfect crime, but doing a naked hula dance to distract a clerk so your buddies can steal beer rarely works out the way you’d hope–especially if you’re not sexy or a hula girl. Next time try wearing a coconut bra. And be female.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorDon’t let it get your goat
Posted on August 30, 2007
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Animal heads have been popping up in the news a whole lot more lately. They seem to be an instrument for revenge or intimidation. That is just fine with this blog, as long as they are not using human heads.
Recently, a Wisconsin attorney had someone send her a gift bag. In the middle of it was a goat head and a threatening note that read “Baaaaaah.”
Written by Bryan McBournie