Month: August 2007

Turn left at strange rock by the sheep

Britain says that satellite navigation units are not to be trusted. This would be understandable if not for:

1. Some satellite nav units use “Karen,” a strange British woman to guide people.
2. Their evidence was based out of Wales, a country that has only four words in its native language and none of those words have vowels in them. In Welsh, “satellite technology” means “new age sheep tracker.”
3. Their evidence is also woefully old. Anyone that’s been to my hometown and has attempted to use a satellite nav unit to traverse through there has learned to never trust the unit … it’ll take you through an invisible meadow.

Thirsty much?

An Atlantic City councilman and a former council president are charged with blackmail after videotaping another councilman having sex with a hooker. Of course, he claims she wasn’t a prostitute anyway, because the money he gave her was for “sodas,” which is now my favorite go-to excuse.

Saying “go get yourself a soda” is so much nicer and pleasant than “the money’s on the table.” Also, I can only wonder how the guy was videotaped. I mean, if it was via a special surveillance camera, that’s one thing, but if he, a councilman, actually let them dance around him while he’s making sure the lady’s earning her soda money, he might just possibly deserve to be extorted.

Not exactly Flipper

Once again, our military is getting wishy-washy in the War on Animals. This blog understands there is more than one war going on, and it’s important to get our troops the best equipment, training and medical treatment in the world, but that should not apply to dolphins.

Our troops are now being forced to get prosthetic limbs made alongside one made for Winter the dolphin. THE ENEMY! Winter lost her tail long ago when she became entangled in a net. Since then she has become to only dolphin to survive without a tail. Giving her a prosthetic tail does nothing but give this animal a chance at becoming more powerful than any other porpoise in the world.

Next we will be affixing lasers to their heads.

A tunnel to certain doom

The Canadians are at it again. No, not introducing more bad music to the world. Instead they are helping aid salamanders multiply.

Ordinarily, at one Canadian park, the salamanders cross a road at night to go to their favorite breeding spot. Unfortunately for the amphibians, they often get run over by cars during their trek to the love shack. The Canadian government is actually helping the salamanders by installing tunnels for them.

It’s only a matter of time before they start installing tunnels to help the salamanders cross our borders!

How’s it taste?

Men: Are you trying to find a way to break up with your girlfriend but just can’t find the right words? Why not bite the head off her pet snake? That’s what one Northern Ireland man did recently.

Freudian? Sure. But one shouldn’t be dating a woman who owns a snake in the first place. Snakes don’t belong in Ireland anyway, St. Patrick, the warrior of yore, drove them all off the island centuries ago.

Shrimpin’ ain’t easy

Hunting is one of our most ancient and time-honored traditions. As humans, our kind have stabbed, trapped, poisoned and shot our way to the top of the food chain. It’s called bootstrap feasting.

One of the proudest Belgian traditions is now under threat of extinction, and it’s time we rallied around the cause. The tradition: horseback shrimping. This blog loves the concept because not only is it killing one species, it’s using another one to assist in the task.

But who will think about the children?

Australia’s $160 million national porn filter? Hacked in 30 minutes by a 16 year old.

It’s ok though. The Australian government is currently in the process of investigating how their top of line software was so easily dismantled–and they have some very encouraging words for parents, too: “It doesn’t mean that the whole scheme is not worthwhile, because a lot of kids haven’t cracked it.” Well, not yet at least.

Locking out of love

Teenagers of America: be this kid and follow his plan.

Step 1: Skill with soldering.
Step 2: Skill with software.
Step 3: ??????
Step 4: Profit!

Now, if he manages to unlock, say, oh, I dunno, an extra 40 to 80 gigs for the iPod portion of it, then I’d totally fork up the money.