MasterSnee (Home) Theater: ‘Reaper’
Posted on September 28, 2007
Filed Under MasterChugs Theater | 1 Comment |
Chugs is out with the measles this week, so I’m filling in. I decided to approach from a different angle, though. I hate movie theaters; the crowds, the sticky floors, the Mormon “Foundation for a Better Life” commercials and the crappy movies have left my fiancé and I bunkered down in our living room like Adolf and Eva. The screen and sound always work, the food’s cheaper and tastes like actual periodic elements and television is actually improving.
Now that reality television has finally hit rock bottom (Flava Flav? Really?), the networks we’ve come to loathe are premiering quality scripted shows again. Well, except CBS, which still hasn’t recovered since Nash Bridges ended. Or ABC, which still believes TGIF was its greatest contribution to American society. Or NBC. Fox is still “eh”: no longer the maverick network of the 80s and 90s, they rely too heavily on their established cartoon staples, which haven’t been novel in at least three years.
No, network television has only two balls in its sack these days: FX and the CW. The Guys are huge fans of FX’s Rescue Me and are known for singing the Von Bondies sober or blacked-out. The other network, CW, launched Kevin Smith’s new television series on Tuesday, Reaper.
Written by Rick SneeDanger working every corner
Posted on September 28, 2007
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Once again, a state one of the Guys lives in is hit with potentially dangerous news for the parts that make them guys in the first place: in Maryland, chlamydia rates are up all over the state.
I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is no, I have not been doing a lot of traveling lately. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take the medication I just got. Make sure everyone follows the Rick Snee health tips.
Written by Bryan McBournieMultiply and conquer
Posted on September 28, 2007
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Someone’s dumping rabbits all over part of Long Island and no one seems to know who. For the first time, this blog is in agreement with animal rights activists: the persons responsible for this must be caught and stopped.
There is no reason to dump live rabbits out into the wild, if Long Island can be called such a place. There, they will only procreate and create new armies for us to fight. Instead, dead rabbits should be spread all over, sending a mafia-style message to those that live. We must strike fear into our enemy’s heart.
Written by Bryan McBournieA mighty wind
Posted on September 28, 2007
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A man can’t even cough anymore apparently. Kent Kauffmann of N.C. has been charged with, kid you not, coughing into a police officer’s face. Kent Sneezeman could also face similar charges.
Key quote: “‘He says I coughed in his face,’ Kauffman said. ‘But that would only work if he had a 4-foot-long face.’”
Written by Bryan SchoolsLibraries and the afterlife
Posted on September 28, 2007
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If there’s one thing we all hate, it’s those jerks they call librarians. Sure, they let you read the books for “free,” but you have to fill out one of those little cards with personal information on it. Gee thanks, comrade.
Another example is the Harrison Public Library in Harrison, New York. Librarians there are charging the families of dead people for overdue library books. Apparently, these people signing out books, then they die and have the nerve not to return the books.
The librarians are not the only party to get mad at. We need to focus more on the undead: it’s time they stop running around aimlessly looking for brains and show some responsibility.
Written by Bryan McBournieHow To: Make friends in a bar
Posted on September 27, 2007
Filed Under How To | 2 Comments |
Unless your religion is against it, odds are you will end up in a bar once or twice in your life. Or, if you are like The Guys, you will frequent a bar so often they reserve the dart room for you. Regardless, sometimes you will end up in a bar without a friend in sight. Here’s how to remedy that situation with several different approaches.
Tools:
-Facial expressions
-Money
-Short skirt
1) Look tough. Go down to the corner stool as soon as you walk in. Make sure as you walk over, you puff out your shoulders as much as you can. This will make you look big and mean. When you sit down, order a double whiskey in a dirty glass. On the rocks will do, but neat will make you look like a badass, not like you should be wearing a smoking jacket. Sit there, sipping your whiskey, and imagine how frustrating it is to watch toddlers try to put the shapes in that polygon toy that has all the different-shaped holes. Your expression will make people think you’re dark and have something in your past. People, especially cougars, will be drawn to you.
2) Be loud and generous. From the minute you walk through the door, people should know you have arrived. To do this, you have to act like you just won the lottery. Grin like an idiot, pat people on the shoulder as you walk by them. As soon as you have ordered your drink, say hello to the people on either side of you. If there is no one, say hello to the bartender and try to ignore their dull, soulless expression. Once you start talking with one person, others will listen in. Then you can ask other people their opinion on the subjects you cover. Then, once people are talking to you, say something cool like, “Hey, who wants to but me a drink? Oh, that’s right, I’m loaded. A round of drinks for the whole bar, on me!” This should get just about everyone’s attention, unless some are hearing impaired, in which case, loudly sign something cool like that. What? You just realized you don’t have cash on you? Time to avoid the angry mob and skedaddle.
3) Play pool. Even if you are terrible at it, playing pool is an excellent way to meet people. And by people we mean cocky dudes who have been playing since three hours before you got there. However, it is also likely they have acquired a following during their conquests. People drinking love to watch other people play pool. It is just one of life’s mysteries. As you get your behind handed to you on the green felt table, make sure to make eye contact with a few people in the crowd. Flash them a smile. When you’re finally killed off, say something to the effect of “Wow, that lashing gave me a thirst, who wants to buy me a drink?” Watch as the crowd turns their backs on you.
4) Flirt. Make sure to wear a short skirt and a top with a plunging neckline. It doesn’t matter if the bar is cold, alcohol is the coal that the furnace that is your stomach needs. When people come up to talk to you, make sure to make a lot of eye contact, laugh at what they say, even if it’s not a joke, and touch them on the arm. They will soon be buying you drinks just because your company is so great.
- WARNING: This will only work if you are a female or really, really good at looking like one.
Everyone has their own style of drinking, and so should they of bar behavior. Pick out one of these personas, commit to it, and rest assured, you will have friends raising a glass with you. So get out there and find your new friends.
Written by Bryan McBournieQuit clowning around, do your job
Posted on September 27, 2007
Filed Under Sex Sells | Leave a Comment |
What’s better than clown sex? (No, really.)
How about a clown lady-of-the-night that can also entertain your spawn?
Key quote: “Paola grabbed a big black wand and called out: ‘I need someone to hold the magic wand for me.’”
Written by Rick SneeVamos!
Posted on September 27, 2007
Filed Under Regular Post | Leave a Comment |
You’re a Mexican. You’re a teenager. Your status in the U.S. and the contents of your truck are both suspect, thanks to a border patrol agent. Sitting in the back of the cop’s car, what do you do?
If you answered, “Hop in the driver’s seat and drive back to Mexico while the border patrol searches the truck,” you are a winner!
That’s just what three minors did in California, and they did it while handcuffed. Can you imagine the laugh the Mexican cops had when they caught the kids back in their home country?
Written by Bryan McBourniePain on a whole new level
Posted on September 27, 2007
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Talk about an unnatural disaster. A Croatian man was unlucky–really unlucky–when he stopped to make a roadside his own urinal and his near and dear John Handcock got hit by a bolt of lightning. Make your own lightning rod jokes.
Ouch. I mean, really. OUCH.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorYou lack imagination
Posted on September 27, 2007
Filed Under Sex Sells, What a Reach! | Leave a Comment |
But do you know who doesn’t?
Nepal! Why’s that? Because Nepal is considering a nudity ban for people on Mt. Everest. Maybe you didn’t realize insane climbers getting jiggy with it in sub-zero, low-oxygen environments was such a problem, but clearly that’s because you’re not adventurous enough. Hey, just because you didn’t think of it doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen.
Also, who doesn’t lack imagination? China! But they want you to. China has banned “sexually provocative sounds” on the radio and television. Perhaps that’s like the noodle slurping commercial that was banned on Korean television, right? BUZZ. Incorrect. Think breast enhancement and female underwear commercials. After all, they don’t just want female commandos, they want females going commando. ROWR.
Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor keep looking »