How do you DUI?
Posted on September 4, 2007
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Remember a couple weeks back when Bill Murray got charged with DUI for driving a golf cart in Stockholm, Sweden? Finally, he has given us a reason for the traffic stop.
It wasn’t pain medication, or stress, or even the Jews.
No, Bill Murray said he wasn’t drunk, police just assumed he was because he was driving a golf cart around. He was actually dropping off six, yes, six friends.
Key Murray quote: “I didn’t know they had 7-Elevens in Stockholm.”
Written by Bryan McBournieA screen door on a submarine
Posted on September 4, 2007
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Say, what’s a great idea for a military toy? If you asked that question in 1932, you would have two hot answers: submarines and biplanes. So why not come up with some idea that combines them? How about a biplane-launching submarine!
The British tried that one. It didn’t seem to work out too well for them. Something about not closing the doors on the sub.
“The Brits were the original pollacks.”
(Courtesy Chris B.)
Written by Bryan McBournieThis just in:
Posted on September 4, 2007
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That is all. You are now free to gouge your eyes out/induce self-inflected amnesia.
(SFW, but just really, really wrong.)
Written by Rick SneeSlow News Headline of the Day
Posted on September 4, 2007
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Guys: are you attracted to women, but not really sure if you really like the attractive ones? The Christian right is just happy to like women in the first place, like heterosexual Sen. Larry Craig.
In any case, a new scientific study shows men choose attractive women. Be sure to stay with us for the results of studies answering such questions as “is water wet?” and “who is buried in Grant’s tomb?”
Written by Bryan McBournieState of the War: One Year Later
Posted on September 4, 2007
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Today marks a sad day for us all. One year ago today, Steve Irwin, the patron saint of the War on Animals, better known as the Crocodile Hunter, was assassinated by a poisonous stingray’s barb to the heart. Irwin was dead in minutes. The only video evidence, the modern day Zapruder film, was destroyed by his family in the weeks following.
The world was shocked, and rightfully so. We here at SG posted a sad remembrance of Irwin and how he had affected the world, then went back to wondering what else could go wrong in this crazy world of ours.
A week later, environmentalists began finding mutilated stingrays washing up on Australian shores. Irwin fans were seeking revenge on the evil stingrays, and justly so. How dare those beasts kill our ambassador? If that was how they treated us, it was time to bring the war to them. The uneasy truce that had lasted so long was off.
In the War on Animals, you’re either with us or against us.
So now, one year after that day we will not soon forget, it is time take a moment to reflect privately on all that we have accomplished since then. Most importantly, it serves as a reminder that we all must take up the cause. So while we were all off on vacation, the war didn’t take a holiday. Here’s what’s been happening:
- Mrs. Tennessee (probably married to Mr. Tennessee) was nearly killed by a rattlesnake.
- Spiders are taking over a Texas park.
- The 9th Circuit Court said the U.S. Navy can use sonar despite the risk to whales and dolphins.
- The mythical Chupacabra from Texas and Mexico may have finally been caught.
Take heart, fellow human beings. The war will be won, but we all need to make sacrifices. Be safe, and remember: don’t brake for animals.
Written by Bryan McBournie