How do you remember nights spent with your grandmother as a child? Some television, some milk, some cookies, some gin?
Key quote: “A portable breath test showed the girl had an alcohol level of .042 percent, about half the legal limit for driving, more than eight hours after drinking the gin.”
The Guys know that you would make a lady very happy, if only you could find one. Unfortunately, they’re never where you are, despite the universal appeal of LARPing. That is why we are teaching you how to meet womens.
Tools:
A computer with access to Google Maps
A bank account with more than $20 in it
An engagement ring in a jewel box with a lining coated in chloroform
1) Determine your choice in womens. Womens come in many flavors and dispositions. Some are intellectual, others are physical. There are introverts and extroverts. Some will take charge, and others will obey your every whim. If you are a lady, you’ll want to meet a lesbian; if you’re a guy, you’ll want to meet two lesbians. With all of that analysis out of the way, the womens you want to meet are naked womens.
2) Find a strip club. The only guaranteed legal way to meet naked womens is at a strip club. Using Google Maps, enter your address, and then type “strip clubs” into the “Find a business” field. For more results, also search for “gentlemen’s clubs” and “boobies.”
3) Allocate the necessary funds. Strippers, just like any other womens, need to know that you are a provider before they will become interested. Withdraw your life savings into singles. Your bank teller will love you for this.
4) Evaluate the strippers. This will be difficult because strip clubs are poorly lit and filled with smoke; therefore, sit as close to the stage as possible, and tip each lady so she will gyrate close enough to look for c-section scars.
5) Secure some “alone” time. Once you have found the naked lady of your dreams, arrange for a lap dance so you can get to know her in a one-on-one setting. This will require 20s as strippers don’t give change or have time to count.
6) Propose marriage. If she agreed to give you a lap dance, she really, really likes you. Present the ring in it’s jewel box with the lid open. To ensure success, be sure to coat the lining of the box in chloroform. She’s sleeping peacefully because she’s happy. Happy to be with you.
We wish you all the best with your new naked lady. Remember, naked womens are a huge responsibility. They require food, water, exstasy and meaningful conversation or they will eat through their cage. What’s that? You don’t know what to talk about? That’s a topic for another edition of How To.
Kids in China are hitting puberty faster than ever, mostly because of improved diets and nutrition. Oh,and porn, of course. Can’t forget about the porn. Lord knows the kids didn’t.
Of course, given China’s recent propensity to seemingly put lead into everything that exists over there, perhaps the children of the nation just want to make it past their adolescent and teenage years that much sooner so they actually have a shot at that “living” thing.
Ever wonder what it’s like to have the majesty of nature in your own back yard? Or have a moose barrel through your front door?
Folks, they’re going after the children. You heard me, the squirrels are now attacking children and the brave men and women of law enforcement, too.
The rampage took place at a daycare in Orlando. The squirrel bit a boy nine times, may have bitten a daycare worker and attacked a Florida state trooper, who for some reason was bitten before the boy was.
Sons everywhere, heed this warning: no matter how tempting it might be, do not throw Cheetos at your father, particularly if you are in Iowa.
A 22-year-old learned this lesson the hard way, especially after the police arrived and charged him with domestic assault.
Key quote: “Police said the bag hit his father’s glasses, causing a cut to the bridge of his nose.”
(Courtesy of Cat)
