Rename a shark … and then kill it
Posted on September 11, 2007
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Alright, heroes–in particular, the rich ones–this is our chance to make a real difference in the War on Animals.
The so-called scientists and “conservationists” out there have prevented us from making real strides in eradicating dangerous animals by giving them cuddly names like “panda,” “squirrel” and “barracuda.” It’s no wonder that our warriors are maligned in the media with such blatantly propagandistic nomenclature premeating the news.
We need you to bid on naming new species of animals. We’d do it ourselves, but, well, there’s not much money made by being the saviors of humanity. (Even Jesus died with nothing to show for his ministry.)
Some suggestions:
- Tastes Great with Red Wine Walking Shark
- Lemon-Pepper Fairy Basslet
- Family-Devouring Lionfish
- Pictichromis Dotty Back That Wants to Willingly Give You AIDS
It’s up to us (namely you) to counter the years of aggressive euphemization of the greatest threat to your family and friends. Euthansia, not euphemasia!
Written by Rick SneeFrom Mother Russia, with love
Posted on September 11, 2007
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Russia apparently has something more than vodka that will knock you on your back (or up). The fact that our government would never sanction a holiday like this, has got to make you think that despite everything, maybe Russia has got it right after all.
Written by Bryan SchoolsFast foot fighting
Posted on September 11, 2007
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Here’s a tip for all of you fast food eaters out there: try not to get into an argument with the drive-thru workers while you’re ordering. Aside from risking them messing with your food, it’s just bad form.
Also, try not to pull the store manager through the window and then run over another worker. It may end up with you going to jail for some crazy reason. Just a thought.
Written by Bryan McBournieIt’s all in how you say it
Posted on September 11, 2007
Filed Under Sex Sells | Leave a Comment |
Lawyers and DAs in the future will now have field days with dictionaries thanks to lawmakers in Britain. The British government finally realizes that it doesn’t make much sense for selling sex to be illegal, when it’s perfectly okay to buy it; however, if you think their solution is to make the whole thing legit … guess again.
By the way, if someone’s going to the grocery store, make sure to pick me up a box of Prostituted Flakes … they’re GRRRRSYPHILIS!
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorVirginia isn’t for lovers …
Posted on September 11, 2007
Filed Under What a Reach! | 1 Comment |
… It’s for loving. I realize the story’s nearly a week old, and I apologize for giving you old news, but boy, is it good news … well, depending on how you look at it, I suppose. A cleaning crew hired to mop up city hall in Richmond, Virginia, spent their evenings calling phone sex lines instead. Isn’t that a wee bit counterproductive? You know, if you do that you’re only leaving a bigger mess for yourself to clean up.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorYou are now free to sacrifice a goat, ding
Posted on September 11, 2007
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Plane not working too well? Sacrifice a goat.
Written by Bryan SchoolsThe danger they don’t tell you about
Posted on September 11, 2007
Filed Under Regular Post | 1 Comment |
Test drivers of new Nissan cars thought they had a pretty cool gig. After all, you get to drive around in a brand new car and see how it works, then you get to tell people how you felt about it. They even give you a free mug.
It’s all smooth sailing until you find out the mug you’ve been drinking out of has Chinese lead paint on it. One of the test drivers got sick and complained to Nissan.
Not exactly a lead foot, is it? (Apologies, it had to be said.)
Written by Bryan McBournie