Iran is now eyeing its first military victory since the Crusades, after the French announced that they are willing to back their anti-nuke rhetoric with war.
Tehran is breathing a sigh of relief and has prepared his acceptance of France’s imminent surrender.
“Thank goodness,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. “I was worried we’d have to deal with these guys again.”
Venezuela is known the world over as that country in South America that starts with a V. But it seems soon they could be known for something much worse: the first country overrun by zombies.
A man was declared dead by coroners after a car accident recently. His body was taken to the morgue where they began to perform an autopsy. That is until the man woke up.
Key quote: “‘I woke up because the pain was unbearable,’ Camejo said.”
Nice try, zombie punk. Keep trying to act like you’re not the living undead. Try to make us feel bad for you and your terrible ordeal. We’ll be watching you and your hunger for brains.
Somebody seems to be thinking of the children. Apparently, “grinding” is now called “juking“ and even though it’s been 20 years since Patrick Swayze taught us how to dance in such a dirty way, parents are still shocked and appalled by it. Wait until they find out about break-dancing.
Key quote: “Plans for a seminar titled ‘Dr. No: Controlling Your Dance’ grew out of repeated requests from members of the Illinois Directors of Student Activities for ideas on how to handle suggestive dancing, said the group’s president, Therese McLaughlin.“
“Dr. No: Controlling Your Dance” may just be the greatest seminar name ever. Even more so if resident Zach Braff lookalike, Joel Osteen, is asked to give it … but he better actually manage to keep his eyes open during is rants this time.
OK, so it’s so much the headline, but the story that counts. From about paragraph two in is where it counts.
Aaaaaand the universe has its course corrected and wookies do indeed live on Endor.
I figured I’d post this one before the other guys got a chance: STDs are on the rise in Alabama, and the main culprit is abstinence-only sex education.
Key Quote: “The subject of condoms, under the state course of study guidelines, is not broached, [said state Department of Education spokeswoman Edith Parten].”
The Guys are concerned, not because of the lack of education, but because I’m here in Alabama. That’s why we recommend the following healthy practices:
Stay strong, people. But more importantly, stay home.
Remember back when you were in high school? There were always the various cliques. The top of which were the popular kids. They were the ones everyone gossiped about and wanted to know what parties they would go to that weekend. Any trend they started everyone had to be part of. It was like they lived on another plane of existence.
After high school, society as a whole keeps these elements of social fabric in place. Only now, the popular people are celebrities. We still follow their every move and idolize them, we just don’t get to sit next to them in geometry.
We all know that converting to strange cult-like religions is on its way out, but adopting foreign children is here to stay. Also, carrying your newly-adopted foreign children is still in. But why carry them? Do they have weak legs? Did they not have time to master the art of walking when they were scrounging around for food prior to their adoption? Maybe it’s something far worse, maybe the children’s new parents are tired of walking slowly so their tiny legs can walk cover the same amount of ground.
Why are these children sapping our idols of their upper body strength? We all know they are sapping them of their figures, energy and talent. There are even signs of this happening with natural born children. What happened to Britney (aside from the pharmacy)? Does Katie Holmes even work anymore?
Please, will someone think of the celebrities?
(Thanks Rachel U.)
