Unless your religion is against it, odds are you will end up in a bar once or twice in your life. Or, if you are like The Guys, you will frequent a bar so often they reserve the dart room for you. Regardless, sometimes you will end up in a bar without a friend in sight. Here’s how to remedy that situation with several different approaches.
Tools:
-Facial expressions
-Money
-Short skirt
1) Look tough. Go down to the corner stool as soon as you walk in. Make sure as you walk over, you puff out your shoulders as much as you can. This will make you look big and mean. When you sit down, order a double whiskey in a dirty glass. On the rocks will do, but neat will make you look like a badass, not like you should be wearing a smoking jacket. Sit there, sipping your whiskey, and imagine how frustrating it is to watch toddlers try to put the shapes in that polygon toy that has all the different-shaped holes. Your expression will make people think you’re dark and have something in your past. People, especially cougars, will be drawn to you.
2) Be loud and generous. From the minute you walk through the door, people should know you have arrived. To do this, you have to act like you just won the lottery. Grin like an idiot, pat people on the shoulder as you walk by them. As soon as you have ordered your drink, say hello to the people on either side of you. If there is no one, say hello to the bartender and try to ignore their dull, soulless expression. Once you start talking with one person, others will listen in. Then you can ask other people their opinion on the subjects you cover. Then, once people are talking to you, say something cool like, “Hey, who wants to but me a drink? Oh, that’s right, I’m loaded. A round of drinks for the whole bar, on me!” This should get just about everyone’s attention, unless some are hearing impaired, in which case, loudly sign something cool like that. What? You just realized you don’t have cash on you? Time to avoid the angry mob and skedaddle.
3) Play pool. Even if you are terrible at it, playing pool is an excellent way to meet people. And by people we mean cocky dudes who have been playing since three hours before you got there. However, it is also likely they have acquired a following during their conquests. People drinking love to watch other people play pool. It is just one of life’s mysteries. As you get your behind handed to you on the green felt table, make sure to make eye contact with a few people in the crowd. Flash them a smile. When you’re finally killed off, say something to the effect of “Wow, that lashing gave me a thirst, who wants to buy me a drink?” Watch as the crowd turns their backs on you.
4) Flirt. Make sure to wear a short skirt and a top with a plunging neckline. It doesn’t matter if the bar is cold, alcohol is the coal that the furnace that is your stomach needs. When people come up to talk to you, make sure to make a lot of eye contact, laugh at what they say, even if it’s not a joke, and touch them on the arm. They will soon be buying you drinks just because your company is so great.
- WARNING: This will only work if you are a female or really, really good at looking like one.
Everyone has their own style of drinking, and so should they of bar behavior. Pick out one of these personas, commit to it, and rest assured, you will have friends raising a glass with you. So get out there and find your new friends.
What’s better than clown sex? (No, really.)