Death from the not-so-deep
Posted on September 27, 2007
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Fish: most of them taste good, and they all smell to high heaven. We often forget the dangers that fish can pose to us, unless they are piranhas or sharks or something. We keep getting lured (har!) into the feeling that fish cannot cause us harm.
The War on Animals means all animals. They sure know it. A jumping fish in Florida caused a boat carrying two men to veer off their course, dumping the men into a river. One man drowned, the other is in the hospital. Keep on your guard, people.
Written by Bryan McBournieTake it from Snee: HPV vaccine enables sinners
Posted on September 26, 2007
Filed Under Sex Sells, Take it from Snee | Leave a Comment |
But the other 50% deserve it, too.
There’s an ongoing debate about whether to administer the HPV vaccine to young girls before they become sexually active. While this could eliminate one of the primary causes of cervical cancer, which affects moral people who get married and raise preferably Christian kids, there is an undeniable consequence: that is, there is one less consequence for having sex.
That’s why I’m not just against inoculating the young from this disease, but inoculating anyone else for that matter. By treating sexually transmitted diseases, our nation’s health care providers are deliberately undermining our tax-funded abstinence-only sex education.
But the HPV vaccine is the tip of the iceberg. At this very moment, doctors are giving deviants antibiotics to treat syphilis, gonorrhea, Chlamydia and a variety of other non-viral STDs. They are prescribing topical creams and pills to control sinners’ outbreaks of herpes and genital warts. They are even courting Bono and spending further research dollars on a cure for HIV/AIDS, which wouldn’t exist if people had sex with only their spouses.
It may seem inhumane to allow people to suffer from their afflictions, but let’s look at history, which is always on the side of those telling it and, in this case, I’m a-tellin’.
Al Capone murdered his way to the top of a crime syndicate to spread demon rum to the masses, yet he only served time for tax evasion. Fortunately, the good Lord gave him syphilis for his wrong-doing, making sure Al wouldn’t outlive his sentence without a bout of raving lunacy and leprosy symptoms.
After trying to kill the Almighty, Frederick Nietzche was smote from above with syphilis. Guess who’s dead, and, more importantly, who’s still alive.
Jazz legend and the Devil’s contractor, Robert L. Johnson also died from syphilis. If he was so keen on Faustian bargains, you’d think he’d negotiate for a cast iron willie.
And let’s not forget all of the adult film stars that the Guy in the Sky punished with AIDS. God gave us cameras to film picnics and potty training, not the filthy act of fornication.
In conclusion, as every valid point is wont to have, it is vitally important that we maintain a viral/bacterial deterrent for sex. As long as we can point to people suffering from God’s wrath, we can ignore our own natural misdeeds and enjoy a world without sex.
Written by Rick SneeApparently not a cheerocracy
Posted on September 26, 2007
Filed Under What a Reach! | Leave a Comment |
Roger Goodell has done an impressive job during his tenure as NFL Commissioner, however, this just borders on shear idiocy.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I thought cheerleaders motivated and inspired.
Written by Bryan SchoolsIf it’s not about the French, Brits won’t think it’s funny
Posted on September 26, 2007
Filed Under Too Soon? | Leave a Comment |
What? Too soon?
Remember: children are rarely killed or abducted, so it’s not funny to joke about them right after a white girl goes missing or a white boy is shot.
Written by Rick SneeBe careful what you wish for …
Posted on September 26, 2007
Filed Under That Wacky Australia | Leave a Comment |
… you just might get it. The mayor of Adelaide, Australia, made the mistake of asking citizens what they want to see more of in the city, and of course, they all said “naked people.” People, this is exactly why they say never pose a question you already know the answers to.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorRunning afoul of water fowl
Posted on September 26, 2007
Filed Under Booze News, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
Sometimes when you’re drunk, you get hungry. This is what’s called the beer munchies, and it must always be obeyed. A man at a hotel in St. Paul, Minnesota did just that, but it cost him.
The man, who witnesses say was drunk, was stumbling around the lobby of his hotel, which for some reason lets tame ducks wander (We assume this is to lull our enemy into a false sense of security). He grabbed one of the ducks and ripped its head off.
Key quote: “‘I’m hungry. I’m gonna eat it.’”
For some reason, they charged him with animal cruelty. That shouldn’t even be a charge. We’re at war here, people.
Written by Bryan McBournieEat My Sports: The bay of youth
Posted on September 25, 2007
Filed Under Eat My Sports | Leave a Comment |
Some cheese, like fine wines, only gets better with age. It may stink to high heaven and make you wonder why in God’s name you are putting up with something smelling as atrocious as Jodie Foster in Contact, but at some point, it gets better. Except for Foster, you peaked in Silence of the Lambs, move on.
Maybe beyond the cheese though, it’s something that gets into us. The high stinky cheese is the nastiest pitch in baseball, thank you The Sandlot. When you’re at the top, you’re The Big Cheese. Or, if you’re like Chester Cheetah, cheese is your business, and you OWN it.
This past Sunday I was at one of the local watering holes in my hometown to watch some football with one of my buddies. This was one of the fortunate instances where the bar I was at had any game you wanted to watch. So, needless to say, there was quite the melting pot (no cheese pun intended, I swear) of NFL fans there, I even sat next to a guy who was wearing a denim long-sleeved Kansas City Chiefs shirt, yes, even I was surprised they made those. Those were probably leftovers from the remaining KC fans from the 80s. This shirt is so old that I literally couldn’t even find a picture of it online, but I digress.
As I was perusing the games, I caught Donovan McNabb torching a Detroit secondary that looked more like they needed to be in a powder puff football league, or swiss cheese. I saw Tom Brady and Randy Moss hooking up more times than (insert “Paris Hilton and …” joke here). Then I saw Brett “Yeah, maybe I should retire, but …” Favre.
There was Brett Favre toying around with the San Diego defense like he was almost daring them to make him throw. He was playing reckless, yet poised, a la Jack Nicholson in The Shining, except way less creepy and a bit more hair. Yet still looking like a madman who will kill you at any given moment while asking an imaginary bartender for some booze. Sadly, or maybe poetically, the San Diego Chargers were the wife and child that couldn’t escape. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Brett!!!!!!
This was the guy who was supposed to be creeping up to the line of scrimmage with a walker. The washed up quarterback, whose pronunciation of his last name STILL makes no sense was supposed to on his way back to Mississippi and moving from those Wrangler commercials to something like Centrum Silver. Instead he’s the guy that’s going shred Dan “Einhorn is Finkle” Marino’s last remaining passing records.
Now he’s back and punishing even some of the most daunting defenses in the NFL. What sense does this make? None. There must be something in the cheese in Green Bay, because Brett Favre is playing out of his mind. It’s definitely not steroids, for Favre looks just about the same (minus the gray hair) than he did when he came in the league, and his helmet hasn’t expanded for no reason, Barry. Side question here: are there any gray cheeses? Someone please let us know.
Favre has found the fountain of youth in the NFL that seems to elude most players way past their prime. Look at Emmit Smith in an Arizona Cardinals jersey (melting cheese), or Jerry Rice stumbling his way in Seattle (wet cheese). The man is the William Shatner of the NFL, making his career end in a way he wants to, instead of in a punch line. Though Shatner is a punch line, the reference made sense, so I’m sticking to it. Deal with it.
The point of all this, if you’re finding yourself losing the touch on something you once handled. Order some cheese from Green Bay, no matter how your last name is pronounced.
Written by Bryan SchoolsRobots … in … SPACE!
Posted on September 25, 2007
Filed Under Regular Post | Leave a Comment |
Ever wonder what the point was to all of those robot combat shows?
Why, only the conquest of the moon.
Our money’s on the Japanese.
Written by Rick Snee‘24′ happy hour
Posted on September 25, 2007
Filed Under Booze News | Leave a Comment |
Jack Bauer can always find is way out of a mess. He shoots people in the knee, he bites their jugular, but it seems the actor who plays him does not have the same luck. Some of you may remember 2006’s television special “A Drunken Christmas in London” with Keifer “That f#@&ing tree needs to go down NOW!” Sutherland.
It seems Sutherland has not changed his ways, as he was just charged with drunken driving. This blog says, if this is part of the new season’s plot (currently shooting now), then we can’t wait for the premiere!
Written by Bryan McBournieIt’s wild out there
Posted on September 25, 2007
Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |
In more small arthropod related news, after reading this article, we may all now know way too much about the sex life of African jumping spiders, which reminds me how happy I am that humans rarely eat each other alive after getting busy. Because honestly? Cannibalism just doesn’t do it for me.
And you thought it was rude when she doesn’t sleep over.
Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor « go back — keep looking »