For me personally, I wish to discover the parallel universe where I am rich, and didn’t kill that prostitute in Vegas, and I want need to kill that version of myself, and take his place. Especially if that dimension’s me is wearing a goatee. Get with the times, beatnik.
Also, I really want to live in the “cowboy-hat universe”.
Even though it’s now late September and Talk Like A Pirate Day is over, it can be tough finding a reason to go on, since there is nothing worth celebrating during the winter months. But hold on, The Guys have found some meaning in this crazy, mixed-up world of hours: marriage!
Well, marriage proposals, anyway.
Take, for example, take Aric Egmont of Cambridge, Massachusetts’ proposal to his lover. The two have always done crossword puzzles together, so he used the Boston Sunday Globe to pop the question. It was one of the answers! Isn’t that cute!
Or how about Ronnie Vinson of Missouri. He and his beau were just out for a ride in the car when they were pulled over. Vinson apparently had a court date he missed and had to be arrested. But then he proposed while in handcuffs. It was all a gag! What a nut!
But perhaps the best was the proposal by Luke Jacunski, presumably of New York City. He took his woman to Central Park and got down on one knee. She accepted and the two were a happy couple for a few seconds, until they were mugged. Ah, love!
As if any of us really need reminders, it’s a rough world out there. And for that rough world we have an even rougher war, a war where our enemies seek to kill us no matter where we are. In the War on Animals, none of us is safe, even at home.
A man in Connecticut found that out recently, when a bull tried to do a little redecorating in and around his house. The bull, apparently owned by a neighbor, escaped and began tearing apart the man’s backyard, car and outside of his house.
Though Connecticut is often known as the Pamplona of America, who keeps a bull?
Well Billy, it’s possibly because you’re a traitor to your species and have decided to import foreign reptiles into the country via one of your prosthetic limbs. So, really, it’s more your nub that itches more than your actual leg … because your leg isn’t actually there.
PROTIP: The appropriate response when approached by authorities should’ve been “Wait, you think I have what in m–OH MY GOD! AAAAH!” Then he would’ve gotten away free as a bird.
Hey, kidz! It’s been a long time, but The Guys wanted to make sure you felt included. Remember: no adult understands you except for us.
So some of you want a new war with Iran. We can’t blame you: they have crazy leaders, they’re trying to build nukes and they have oil, too!
But, do you remember the last time we gave you a war? Remember Iraq? Remember how you promised to feed, water and install a functioning democracy there every day? Well, Iraq’s still in the backyard and getting angry because you still haven’t done those things. In fact, if you don’t start living up to your part of the deal, Iraq could die.
We know, you’re saying it will be different this time. Well, what about Afghanistan? You forgot about Afghanistan, too, didn’t you? Sure, you started out taking care of it just fine, so we got you Iraq. Maybe two wars was too much for one kid, but you said they would be your responsibility.
Yes, we hear you. Iraq wasn’t what you expected. It didn’t like you very much and it didn’t even come with awesome weapons of mass destruction. Yes, Iran has everything you originally wanted, but don’t you realize that you have unrealistic expectations that will never be good enough? This week, it’s Iran, and next week, you’ll want a war somewhere else.
What do you mean? Well, what about Syria? You’ve had your eyes on them for a long time, too. No, Syria can’t be an early birthday present.
We’re sorry, honey, but you’ve got to appreciate what you have. Afghanistan and Iraq can be great companions if you’d just focus and put the time in. Besides, if we caved every time you wanted something, we’d be doing you a great disservice.
It seems everyone’s in an uproar over MoveOn.org’s ad in the New York Times. Aside from the “General Betray Us” quip, critics are saying the ad was misleading, deceitful, even untrue. Since when is that new for advertising?
This is the same country that has been sold cookies by Keebler elves (or were they girl scouts?) while crying Indians told us all to clean up our litter. This may come as news for some of you: the elves don’t exist, I’m not even sure if girl scouts do. And that weepy Indian? He was actually an Italian actor. Keep in mind, this whole “New World” thing was kicked off by an Italian who thought it would be a good idea to enslave the native population.
Every single ad you see is trying to mislead you and make you think positively about their product. Take Apple’s new iPod Nano commercials. Aside from the incredibly annoying counting song done by some unidentified woman who can’t really sing all that well, the commercial leads you to believe the screen on their product is so big you will watch music videos on it all the time. What they don’t tell you is that your eyes strain even on the regular-sized iPod. It will probably give you astigmatism (look it up).
The advertising industry is all about spin, lies and half-truths. It has always been that way. That is exactly why we should view every ad (except those for SG) with a wary eye. Least of all a political ad from MoveOn.org.
A great writer once wrote that the problem with American lives is that they have no second act. Never is this more apparent than with the story of Jim Morrison, whose childhood was lost in a mist of denial and his maturity interrupted by an early death. If we can trust Oliver Stone’s film, The Doors, life for Jim Morrison was like being trapped for months at a time in the party from hell. He wanders out of the sun’s glare, a curly-haired Southern California beach boy with a cute pout and a notebook full of poetry. He picks up a beer, he smokes a joint, and then life goes on fast-forward as he gobbles up drugs and booze with both hands, while betraying his friends and making life miserable for anyone who loves him. By the age of twenty-seven he is dead.
Rudy Giuliani is going out of his way to prove he’s, as Chris Rock would say, a mammal that breathes air and drink water. He took a call from his wife mid-press conference, ending with, “Goodbye, sweetheart, I love you.”
To prove the validity of his presidential bid further, he also suggested “[MoveOn.org] should face some sort of sanction” for their “General Betray Us” ad. The reasoning?
“We are at war right now, whether some people want to recognize it or not.”
So his Constitutional record for the conference? 1-1: the Second Amendment got its due, but the First Amendment still awards too much leniency to “American political organizations.”
In other bat related stories (at least, sort of in name only), scientists have discovered that the male bat bug who skips over the female insect reproductive hoo-hoo zone equivalent and instead impregnates the female by punching a hole in her stomach. Scientists aren’t sure if it does that because it’s inexperienced or maybe they’re just nervous.
SeriouslyGuys has declared war on these terrors of society simply because … well … it’s f***ing weird what it does. Ewwww. Bugs need to stop watching movies like Alien and instead watch movies like the Raid commericals.
We told you a Nebraska state senator filed a lawsuit against God for responsibility for natural disaster, pain, suffering and so on. When he filed it, Ernie Chambers was making a point about frivolous lawsuits that plague our nation’s courts.
However, it seems God has filed a response in the courts. Also, it seems God’s lawyers live in Corpus Christi, Texas. Looks like God doesn’t think he needs to go to court.
