Day: October 1, 2007

Great moments in law enforcement

The police are hot on the trail of whoever is stealing toilet paper from the Fond du Lac County Government Center in Wisconsin. The rolls are disappearing at a rate of six per week. How will county officials be able to cleanse their buttocks after dropping the kids’ funding off at the public pool?

Note to SG readers who may or may not be involved in this: If you guys are planning some massive prank, we want in.

‘X-Files’ already did it

Yup, sometimes reporters can be just so lame. I mean, Mulder already mentioned in one episode of The X-Files that most lakes contain microscopic amoeba that can eat your brain with no qualms or problem.

Hold up. Wait a minute. This is real? Oh boy. Hope you all got that swimming jive out of you. Well, at least the amoeba doesn’t fuse to the brain stem, taking over the basic functions of the brain, and reanimating the dead body as a flesh-eating zombie. Nonetheless, I propose that we drain all the lakes, concrete them over and build various fast food and coffee franchise outlets upon them. IT’S THE ONLY WAY TO BE SURE.

The McBournie Minute: Old bands

Hey look, it’s another reunion tour! The glory days are over, people. It’s time to move on. Most people understand concepts like this. They realize that the past is past and are ready to move on to the next big thing in their lives. These people are not in formerly famous rock bands.

You heard me, I’m talking to you, Rolling Stones, Poison, Duran Duran, The Police, Smashing Pumpkins, Aerosmith, The Eagles, Van Halen, Guns ‘N Roses (technically), Kiss, Depeche Mode, Bon Jovi and so many, many more. Folks, it’s time to pack up the guitars and head home.

Let me be clear, I am not attacking the fans that go to these concerts. There is nothing wrong with going to see your favorite band from back in the day and hitting the bathrooms when they start playing their new stuff. The bands themselves need to show some self-restraint and not go on tour.

Did Picasso re-paint his masterpieces decades after the originals were made? Did Charles Dickens go around reading his work to the public again and again. OK, maybe Dickens did, but that doesn’t make it right.

The biggest problem I have with it is that the bands so thinly veil their intentions: to exploit their art to make more money. Take The Police, for example. Currently on a reunion tour, the group still hates each other after all these years. They combined forces to cash in and it is an uneasy truce.

Artists need to recognize that the time for performing the old favorites is over, makes them look like cheap whores and only sullies the music they once made because it was the most important thing in their worlds. Besides, you can always fall back on your reality show.