Day: October 2, 2007

Eat My Sports: Fantasy football

Let me preface this entire column by stating for the record that I cannot stand Tom Brady. He’s a pretty boy who works for a cheating organization, and spends more time on the cover of men’s health magazines and in gossip columns than he does reading a play book.

But good God do I love Tom Brady the fantasy player. And yes, I realize that after calling him a pretty boy, calling him a “fantasy player” doesn’t exactly sound too heterosexual, but those involved in fantasy football get the point.

Any one out there play fantasy football? The answer I know is a resounding yes. Millions of Americans have been suckered into this system where we are forced to care about players based on there statistics. People even put players on their rosters that are on their most hated rivals. Why? Because you want to prove to your friends that you know more about pro football than they do. Bragging rights, and a nice cash pool at the end also make for a nice incentive.

Me, I had never played before this season. Never understood the concept or system. Now, I’m so submerged in the thing, that I actually paid $10 for a stat tracking system that follows my players’ point totals. That folks, is asinine. Ten dollars could get Eddie Murphy a transvestite. As I was saying though, I’m so into it now, that it actually looks like a worthwhile purchase. The stat tracker, not the transvestites. Though fellow Guy Rick Snee might argue otherwise.

My problem with it though, is it is forcing fans to become sellouts. Vikings fans who have Brett Favre in their league, Cowboys fans with Santana Moss, anyone involved in the first two Spider-Man movies ACTUALLY endorsing the third as a good film … sorry, I needed to take a shot at that movie somehow. Sam Raimi, you owe me. My point though is that this system is forcing people to give a crap about people like the Atlanta Falcons backup running back Jerious Norwood, solely for the purpose that if Warrick Dunn gets injured, they have a chance of having a fantasy sleeper impact player.

Me, I’m a Steelers fan. I’ve watched painfully through the years as Tom Brady and his group of goody two shoes teammates crush two of our Super Bowl contending teams. Just for the record Pats fans, Tom Brady is not God, and he did not win you those Super Bowls, Adam Vinatieri did. Now he’s winning them in Indianapolis, this is not coincidence like your grandfather’s “cough medicine” that smells strangely like John Daniel’s. Further side note: Yes, I can call him John.

Through unfortunate circumstances, when it came time for me to pick my fantasy quarterback this year, those dreamy eyes looked up and said “pick me, Bryan, pick me.” As much as I loathe the man, Tom Brady became my fantasy … quarterback. Now, four weeks into the season, Tom Brady is the ONLY reason I have managed to obtain a .500 record due to his 120.32 points he’s earned me. To put that in perspective folks, my point total as of right now is 478.32. I feel dirty and cheap, but so goooooood because I’m winning. I guess I feel like the Patriots’ camera crew. Bazing!

Ask Dr. Snee, Guy-necologist: Steroids

So I’ve started receiving medical questions since a few posts on diseases and lifting weights. I’m going to state for the record that I am not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or do I play one on television. But, boy-howdy, am I opinionated, which is good enough in the blog world.

Lately, I’ve been inundated with questions concerning steroids, which makes me wonder if people think I take them. I don’t, but I’ve read enough news stories to form an opinion.

Will my steroids for poison ivy make me superstrong? I’m going to do push ups to see if I bulk up any faster.

Well, you go ahead. Chances are that you weren’t doing push-ups in the first place, so, yes, you will bulk up, but, no, it won’t be because of the steroids.

The only steroids that will make you bulk up are the ones offered in that important, yet often ignored, folder in your gmail account: spam. Inside, you will find a better You: bigger erections, Nigerian wealth, home employment and, of course, performance enhancing drugs. In order to capitalize on these opportunities, you must open each and every one and their attachments.

This answer was brought to you by The Internet Foundation for Imprease Her Know.

If I take steroids, will I get ‘roid rage?

‘Roid rage. Pfft. That’s a myth.

The truth is that steroids work like gamma rays, and what happens when you bombard a nerd with gamma rays? That’s right, you turn into Lou Ferrigno. Mr. Ferrigno doesn’t yell and break things because he’s angry, but because he’s deaf and must get his point across to you, AND … YOU … JUST … WON’T …. LISTEN!

Will steroids really shrink my [testicles]?

[This is a medical column, so “balls” only refers to weighted ones used for sit-ups. –RS]

Of course not. The testicle isn’t a muscle, so it remains the same size while the rest of you becomes massive. Think of your testicles like your head and use them to track your progress. When your head appears the size of a grapefruit and your testes look like marbles, then you know you’re ripped. Go ahead and tear a phone book in half. You’ve earned it.

Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or play one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, guy-necologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.

This is just too easy

Traffic problems occurred in Sellersburg, Indiana after a flatbed truck dropped two portable toilets Interstate 65 recently. Alright, this one’s just too easy, it’s time for a joke off!

  • Man, traffic has really gone down the toilet.
  • I heard the traffic report, it was total crap.
  • The way people drive on the highways really pisses me off.
  • Talk about getting rear-ended.
  • Finally, they’re installing more restrooms on the road.
  • My insurance company is not going to believe this.
  • Poop.

And the world gets a little bit more unusal

“Do you really love the robot, or are you just saying you do?” “I … love robot.”

Don’t worry Brick-other people do too. Scientists have now found that robosexuals do exist, all thanks to their weird and twisted form of a maid fetish. Do these people (and their mechanical partners) get equal billing by the EOE? More importantly, I find the line “If we can design things that are somewhat emotionally engaging, it doesn’t have to be as reliable,” more than just a wee bit worrying.

Does this mean we’ll see a surge in products designed to be “lovable” (or in some very creepy cases, “sexy”) instead of properly designed and tested for proper safe, reliable use? Form over function indeed.

New from the world of chimps

We’ve alway been wary of the Austrians since that whole Hitler thing, but now we have a more recent example to do so, his name is Matthew Hiasl Pan and he’s 26.

Pan is a chimp, but animal rights activists, better know as his minions, are trying to get him legally declared a person. That’s all we need, an animal mastermind whom we have to put on trial like a human, instead of a swift military tribunal ending with a short rope. Fortunately, an Austrian judge denied their appeal.

There was an attempted jail break at a British zoo that luckily ended in bloodshed. Chimps Jonnie and Coco made a break for it, but Jonnie was caught very quickly. Meanwhile, Coco took off and was on the lose in the zoo, so the zookeepers (prison guards) shot him.

I bet that was a fun field trip for the school children that day.