Eat My Sports: You can’t spell ‘overrated’ without A-Rod

This was supposed to be his year. The year all of those regular season numbers started showing up when it mattered. The man who owned every month from April through September was finally going to show up in October. Eight days later, Alex Rodriguez and his fellow New York Yankees are finished for the third straight year in the divisional round. No excuses can be made, because, predictably, as soon as the postseason hit, Rodriguez disappeared like a plate of donuts in front of Rosie O’Donnell.

The regular season numbers are incredible. In his career the man has amassed 518 HR, 1503 RBI and has a lifetime .306 batting average. That’s a pretty good career for most people. And it has led A-Rod (the dumbest nickname in all of sports, when did we stop coming up with cool names and just start calling them by the first letter of their first name and the first three of their last? No sense, it’s dumb.) to be paid over $27 million per season.

This is where A-Rod … you know what, I’m not calling him that anymore, we’ll call him Alex “The Choke Artist” Rodriguez, you follow? So, The Choke Artist becomes a cheap hooker. One of those ones that wants all the money that the high priced prostitutes ask for, but when it comes down to it, will never do anything to deserve that money, I’m looking at you McBournie. (Side Note: That’s right kids, I’ve brought up hookers in two straight columns. Can he make it three in a row? Tune in next week!)

So, we’ve established pay and regular season prowess, now, let’s delve into why Rodriguez has proved once again that those “overrated” jeers he hears across the country are validated. Discounting the 1995 postseason with Seattle where he only had two hitless at bats, in two playoff appearances with Seattle in 1997 and 2000, Rodriguez batted .352, with three HR and eight RBI in 13 games. He kept that up in the 2004 divisional round with the Yankees, batting .421, with one HR and three RBI.

Then The Choke Artist appeared, and has been haunting Yankee baseball since. In four series since then, in 75 at bats Rodriguez has an average of .200, with three HR and six RBI in 20 games. The staggering statistic is that Rodriguez had no HR or RBI from the 2004 ALCS until last night’s Game 4 against the Cleveland Indians.

The point of all this is high-priced athletes, and especially those that are deemed the best in the game, deliver championships, and they produce in the postseason. Michael “Don’t Call Me Space Jam” Jordan at the end of his tenure with the Chicago Bulls was making $25 million per season. However, the man brought home titles in six of his last seven years with the Bulls, and was the Finals MVP in all of them. For $27 million, Rodriguez should be hoisting up the World Series MVP trophy and be busy curing cancer.

Maybe some people can’t handle the spotlight, maybe some people care more about their image than the game. The Choke Artist is just consistently proving that you can count on three things in life: death, taxes and another abysmal playoff performance from Alex Rodriguez.

Top Five things that annoy me in sports this week:

5. Three-hundred plus pound defensive tackles whining about being blocked below the knees. Honestly Travis Johnson, what did you want Trent Green to do, pancake block you?

4. Steroids. Congratulations Marion Jones, you confirmed what the world already suspected. Bring down Bonds and I’ll start paying attention again.

3. Yankee apologists
. You guys just don’t get it do you? This team cannot produce when it matters. Develop a farm system, stop buying retirees.

2.TBS baseball announcers.
Tony Gwynn, Cal Ripken Jr., Frank Thomas and Chip Caray make me want to eat a delicious helping of lead-based paint rather than listen to one more segment.

1. NFL fans that tuck their jerseys into their pants.
I know this isn’t REALLY sports related, but it looks absolutely ridiculous.

Can I have that back in fives?

A Pittsburgh, PA area man was arrested after trying to pay for his groceries with a counterfeit $1 million dollar bill. After being refused by the cashier (possibly due to a lack of tens and twenties), the man proceeded to go Kiefer Sutherland on an ATM machine.

Key quote: “The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reports that Police believe the $1 million note seized at the supermarket may have originated at a Dallas-based ministry. Last year, the ministry distributed thousands of religious pamphlets with a picture of President Grover Cleveland on a $1 million bill.”

The enemy of my enemy is my friend

Finally, we have exciting news to bring you from the front: it seems out enemy is no longer as solid as once thought. It seems there is some infighting. Bees are attacking elephants in Africa. It seems not only are elephants afraid of mice, they are also afraid of the buzzing sounds made by bees.

Though our enemy has been known to attack and kill its fellow animal, that mostly went on during the truce with humans. Since then, such attacks have been isolated. This is the first coordinated attack we have seen in years. Perhaps a splinter group is forming.

Those darn hippies

A Maine restaurant’s Skinny Dip promotion–jump into a lake with no clothes on, win a free sandwich–is good, harmless, down home fun (most of the time), so naturally some spoilsport/agent of The Man wants to put a stop to the whole thing. If they can’t enjoy themselves, then no one else should be able to either…and if they were offering a prime rib sandwich, it’s probably better this way in the long run anyways.

Who wants just a buffet anyway?

Some Florida strip clubs are offering free flu shots for patrons this fall, but if you try to poke any butts yourself you’ll have to answer to the bouncers.

Key quote: It’s just a way to give back to the community.

Don’t worry people. This is just the strippers equivalent to showering you all with crumpled up singles.

Our priorities are way off

The laws in this country are messed up. That’s a statement we can all agree with, if for different reasons. It is this blog’s opinion that our laws have not caught up yet with the War on Animals.

Here’s a prime example: A California man were drinking with his buddies last Halloween when they came across as ostrich ranch. When an ostrich named Gaylord messed with them, they took off, got their guns (it’s California, everyone has guns) and shot Gaylord. Now that man is going to serve jail time for fighting back.

Yet when a deer kills a man, there is no punishment. A Georgia man caught a deer and apparently put it in a pen on his property. The deer later gored the man several times, eventually killing him. Luckily a family member sent that killer to the devil’s forest.