So there’s been a lot (read: 2) scandals recently about normally conservative men getting busted by sex cops in public restrooms. The more prominent one, who I don’t have to name, has said it was all one giant misunderstanding. The Guys never thought we’d have to write this “How To” because we thought Dave Barry already covered the basics. However, times change and people read less so, without any further ado, we are going to explain how to use the men’s room.
Tools:
A full bladder and/or colon
Three-dimensional reasoning
Silence
1) Make sure you actually have to go.
Unfortunate things, like being mistaken for a horny deviant, happen based on odds. The less you go to a public restroom, the less likely you will accidentally seduce your fellow potty animals.
Plus, there’s the “shake it no more than twice” rule. This extends beyond the literal meaning: if you are going to the bathroom more often than you actually need to, then it will appear that you are either dodging work, taking naps or ‘trolling for sex.
2) Keep it to yourself.
Take a look around you (without actually taking a look). You are either surrounded by walls, or there is an implied buffer space between urinals. There’s a reason man-troughs have all but disappeared: this is your private time, as well as for other movers and shakers. Retreat to your bubble. Embrace it. Know that by leaving your cocoon of elimination, you will find yourself in someone else’s. And that “someone else” may very well be a sex cop. Seriously, can you imagine how much that guy hates his job? Angry civil servants are no one to triffle with.
3) Silence is golden.
You know where it’s a good idea to talk? Anywhere your pants aren’t down. When you normally ask someone else about their wife and kids, you don’t do it with your dork in your hand. (Or do you? We’ll tackle that one another time.)
As log-rolling is men’s closest experience to child birth, think like a Scientologist and do it silently. Anything you say during this process may psychologically damage your offspring.
- Exception to rule #3:
It is permissible to make jokes about your business. Just be careful to avoid alarming phrases like “Wow, I didn’t know my butthole could stretch that far!” or “No really, c’mere! You need to see this!” Instead, focus on smells and what consumables produced your newfound pride and joy.
4) Leave as you came.
Once again, the longer you linger, the more likely you will attract unwanted attention from underseatcover officers. Wash your hands, pop a zit and get out.
Alright, you’re in the clear. Now repeat this for the rest of your life in all public restrooms and you’ll be okay.