Eat My Sports: A London Super Bowl, seriously?

Bad move Roger Goodell, bad move.

After taking the initiative that no one wanted by having a regular season game hosted in London, Roger Goodell has taken the highest blasphemy to our sacred football americano. The NFL Commissioner has been thinking fondly of the idea of having a foreign city host the Super Bowl. Brilliant, why don’t you move the Country Music Awards to Tokyo while you’re at it? Or, move the Statue of Liberty back to France.

The Super Bowl is just something that is purely American. I don’t get too patriotic that often, but the Super Bowl needs to stay in the States. When that glorious Sunday comes in early February, it is our duty to have a full supply of chips and beer, have our closest friends and family over, sit down for four glorious hours and watch commercials … I mean, football.

Something about football across the pond just doesn’t work. I mean just look at NFL Europe, there is a solid reason that experiment failed miserably. I’m looking at you Danny Wuerffel.

Would we want the Cricket championship held here? No. Why? Cause no one really gives a crap about that sport here other than people that moved over to the US from Britain. Nothing against the sport or those who love it. But the point is, it doesn’t matter to us here. And that is exactly how majority of Europe has responded to the idea of American football in their home. In its final year of existence, NFL Europe averaged only 20,020 attendees per game. And that was with five of the six teams being based only in Germany. Now compare that with the crowd of 74,512 that Super Bowl XLI drew, you can see who cares about football, and who would rather spend their time kicking around a frankfurter.

My point is short and sweet this week. Don’t take away our game. Would the Tour de France work in New York? No, for two reasons: a) Junkies would take the steroids or whatever the cyclists use before they even reached the concierge at their hotel and b) it’s New York, not France. Keep our championship, and the commercials where they belong.

Top five things that annoy me in sports this week:

5. Kobe Bryant. You know what? This isn’t just this week. This has been about every week I have heard a quote from him. Can we send him to London? Please?

4. Colorado Rockies. We get it, you make a great story. Just lose a little to make whatever series you play in at least watchable?

3. Dallas Cowboys. See what happens when you play real competition?

2. Tony Kornheiser. I have officially found someone that annoys me more than John Madden. Kornheiser’s problem is he doesn’t have a video game that makes me support him still having a job.

1. TBS. Thank God the NL playoffs are over and I don’t have to listen to them anymore. You’re off the hook next week. But only because you’re not broadcasting baseball anymore.

Artists: They walk among us

When they’re not picking out paints and brushes while wearing berets, artsy-fartsy types around the world are causing problems for us normal people.

For example, a man was charged in Rhode Island recently for living in an apartment made in a mall parking garage. Apparently, he and several other artists would trade off living in the apartment for weeks at a time. That is the very definition of a sleeper cell.

Remember when that Swedish newspaper ran a political cartoon about Mohammed and pretty much every single Muslim in the world got mad at the U.S. for it? Well, get ready for some more riots, everyone, Lars Vilks is at it again. Why is he drawing Mohammed when it causes so much strife across the world? Artistic expression.

Folks, there are people like Vilks living everywhere. One might even be your neighbor, so be careful out there.

WoW, that’s a lot of wild pigs!

Attention, MMORPG gamers: this is your chance to do something worthwhile.

Westfall (a.k.a. Australia) needs your help!

The outback is plagued by an out of control feral pig population. We’d do it ourselves, but we’re in America and don’t speak Australian. (We barely passed it in high school.)

Perhaps you could do your part in the open hunting spree. The wild pigs are diseased, so don’t eat the remains or feed them to your pets. Hunters, we’re looking in your direction.

The Australian Outback is due southwest of Hawaii, between New Zealand, Antartica and Papua/New Guinea. If you don’t feel like swimming, you can catch the boat at Pearl Harbor.

Objectives:

Kill 200 diseased feral pigs.

Rewards:

1 gold 25 silver

Choose one:

[Spotted boar-hide cloak]
[Boar-mauler gauntlets]

The doll won’t be needed

Aphenphosmphobiacs, rejoice! Attempts to hold a ballot referendum on Ohio’s new strip club law failed miserably, so it looks like no one is going to be touching anyone inappropriately anytime soon. Except if you’re female and riding the subway in Japan. Seriously Japan, stop being so freaky-deeky.

The modern stone age family

Remember The Flintstones? An entire society of humans living with dinosaurs and other animals doing their every bidding. Big dinosaurs were used as cranes, others were used for things like vacuums, record players and so on. This blog refers to that as “the good old days” because that was when animals knew their place. They didn’t get all uppity like animals today.

What? Oh yeah, there is a point here.

Apparently, not only did The Flintstones really happen, but it appears it happened in Brazil, where they found dinosaur fossils resembling none other than Dino.