Nearly everyone has a sport they enjoy to watch. Nearly everyone has a team in said sport that they call theirs. They support them through bad draft decisions and trade moves, kudos to you, you’re a fan.
Then there is that guy. The obnoxious one that somehow finds himself drinking at the very place you went to go eat or have a drink after work. But this particular specimen doesn’t sit down and enjoy the game. No. He makes it painfully obvious to everyone in the bar that yes, he is a fan of a team that is playing, and whether you want to or not, you’re going to hear about it.
So, in order to avoid being that guy. Here is my fool proof guide to being a fan. Or as we here call it, The Seriously Guide.
Clothing:
We get it, you’re a fan. You’re the guy that wears the obscure jersey of a player who most people don’t know, but for some reason fans of your team think he’s God. Thank you Steelers’ era Antwan Randle El. It’s cool to have a jersey, but if no one knows who that is, it just makes you look even more ridiculous. Like those Chicago Bulls fans that wore Toni Kukoc jerseys when Jordan, Pippen and Rodman were playing.
If you are going to wear a jersey, jeans and loose CARGO pants are acceptable. Khakis just make you look like a raging idiot, also, this probably makes you the guy at the bar that orders iced tea and gets odd looks from everyone in the establishment that is having a beer or whiskey.
Most importantly, if you reeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllly are a sports fan, then don’t wear loafers with the whole jersey look. Nothing screams “I’m gonna go home and watch reruns of Matlock and MacGyver, but gooooooooooooo team!!!!!” quite like donning shoes that private school kids wear because their parents force them to.
Drinking:
For those of you not in AA, it is perfectly understandable to have a few drinks (if it’s not a day baseball game on a Wednesday) while your team is playing. This is allowed and quite frankly encouraged. Just for example, no Red Sox fan could probably have endured the 2004 or 2007 playoffs without a drink or two. Side Note: AL Champs!!!
If you do go out to a bar and you are not with friends, ordering a pitcher is not allowed. Nothing looks more ridiculous than a guy alone at the end of a bar drinking a pitcher, wearing a shirt with a last name that isn’t his on the back of it, screaming obscenities at the television like it had just informed him that he’d been laid off from work. You have a single beer or mixed drink at a time. Otherwise you look like a severe lush who has a terrible case of Tourette’s.
If at home, home rules apply. I do not enforce anything on anyone’s private property. But if going out in public, I am the enforcer.
Public Behavior:
If you are the only fan of a team at a bar you are at alone, no screaming at the TV. This changes when there are two of you. Remember kids, safety in numbers.
Don’t hit on anyone in the place. It’s obvious, you are there to give your support. But if you start losing or winning, don’t get wasted and start hitting on the patrons or bartenders. Chances are they give about as much of a crap about you or the game as Vanessa Hudgens cared about internet safety.
Screaming “Yeah, baby!!!” is only cool if you are Austin Powers. At no point is it OK to annoy everyone by screaming like a banshee because Maurice Jones-Drew ran for two yards.
So remember guys, it’s OK to be a fan. It’s not OK to be a moron.
Top Five things that annoy me in sports this week:
5. ESPN’s football crew. Honestly Chris Berman is the only saving grace. Emmitt Smith just looks out of place and they need to just give Keyshawn Johnson the damn pink slip.
4. Pre-season basketball. The precursor to eight months of a sport that was mildly entertaining maybe a decade ago.
3. The New England Patriots. Seriously, lose already. I have had enough of Tom Brady.
2. Joe Torre. You would have thought a U.S. President was stepping down with the way that was covered. I can’t wait for the Yankees to go into a rebuilding phase, and I’ll tell you what they can do with those 26 championships they like to bring up ….
1. “The Rock” football movies. When did America OK this? Every time I turn around it’s another football movie with “The Rock.” You were awful in pretty much every Mummy movie you were in, and guess what? It hasn’t gotten any better.
