Eat My Sports: That guy

Posted on October 23, 2007
Filed Under Eat My Sports | Leave a Comment |

Nearly everyone has a sport they enjoy to watch. Nearly everyone has a team in said sport that they call theirs. They support them through bad draft decisions and trade moves, kudos to you, you’re a fan.

Then there is that guy. The obnoxious one that somehow finds himself drinking at the very place you went to go eat or have a drink after work. But this particular specimen doesn’t sit down and enjoy the game. No. He makes it painfully obvious to everyone in the bar that yes, he is a fan of a team that is playing, and whether you want to or not, you’re going to hear about it.

So, in order to avoid being that guy. Here is my fool proof guide to being a fan. Or as we here call it, The Seriously Guide.

Clothing:

  • We get it, you’re a fan. You’re the guy that wears the obscure jersey of a player who most people don’t know, but for some reason fans of your team think he’s God. Thank you Steelers’ era Antwan Randle El. It’s cool to have a jersey, but if no one knows who that is, it just makes you look even more ridiculous. Like those Chicago Bulls fans that wore Toni Kukoc jerseys when Jordan, Pippen and Rodman were playing.

  • If you are going to wear a jersey, jeans and loose CARGO pants are acceptable. Khakis just make you look like a raging idiot, also, this probably makes you the guy at the bar that orders iced tea and gets odd looks from everyone in the establishment that is having a beer or whiskey.

  • Most importantly, if you reeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllly are a sports fan, then don’t wear loafers with the whole jersey look. Nothing screams “I’m gonna go home and watch reruns of Matlock and MacGyver, but gooooooooooooo team!!!!!” quite like donning shoes that private school kids wear because their parents force them to.

    • Drinking:

  • For those of you not in AA, it is perfectly understandable to have a few drinks (if it’s not a day baseball game on a Wednesday) while your team is playing. This is allowed and quite frankly encouraged. Just for example, no Red Sox fan could probably have endured the 2004 or 2007 playoffs without a drink or two. Side Note: AL Champs!!!

  • If you do go out to a bar and you are not with friends, ordering a pitcher is not allowed. Nothing looks more ridiculous than a guy alone at the end of a bar drinking a pitcher, wearing a shirt with a last name that isn’t his on the back of it, screaming obscenities at the television like it had just informed him that he’d been laid off from work. You have a single beer or mixed drink at a time. Otherwise you look like a severe lush who has a terrible case of Tourette’s.

  • If at home, home rules apply. I do not enforce anything on anyone’s private property. But if going out in public, I am the enforcer.

    • Public Behavior:

  • If you are the only fan of a team at a bar you are at alone, no screaming at the TV. This changes when there are two of you. Remember kids, safety in numbers.

  • Don’t hit on anyone in the place. It’s obvious, you are there to give your support. But if you start losing or winning, don’t get wasted and start hitting on the patrons or bartenders. Chances are they give about as much of a crap about you or the game as Vanessa Hudgens cared about internet safety.

  • Screaming “Yeah, baby!!!” is only cool if you are Austin Powers. At no point is it OK to annoy everyone by screaming like a banshee because Maurice Jones-Drew ran for two yards.

    • So remember guys, it’s OK to be a fan. It’s not OK to be a moron.

    Top Five things that annoy me in sports this week:

    5. ESPN’s football crew. Honestly Chris Berman is the only saving grace. Emmitt Smith just looks out of place and they need to just give Keyshawn Johnson the damn pink slip.

    4. Pre-season basketball. The precursor to eight months of a sport that was mildly entertaining maybe a decade ago.

    3. The New England Patriots. Seriously, lose already. I have had enough of Tom Brady.

    2. Joe Torre. You would have thought a U.S. President was stepping down with the way that was covered. I can’t wait for the Yankees to go into a rebuilding phase, and I’ll tell you what they can do with those 26 championships they like to bring up ….

    1. “The Rock” football movies. When did America OK this? Every time I turn around it’s another football movie with “The Rock.” You were awful in pretty much every Mummy movie you were in, and guess what? It hasn’t gotten any better.

    Written by Bryan Schools

    Alcohol: the cause of, solution to all of life’s [animal-related] problems

    Posted on October 23, 2007
    Filed Under Booze News, War on Animals | Leave a Comment |

    Taking a page from American history, an Indian village (in India, not Ironyland) let rice wine do their dirty work on a herd of Asiatic elephants.

    After drinking themselves into a stupor, the elephants reenacted a World Series celebration by knocking down a utility pole. Six died in the ensuing electrocution.

    This approach is one of the most innovative in the global War on Animals for three reasons:

    1) Circus animal trainers have proven that electricity is the natural foe of the elephant.

    2) By getting the elephants drunk, they have prevented these elephants’ legendary memory from remembering and learning from this event. In other words, it could work again!

    3) Because the elephants drank the rice wine of their own accord, this village has a new ally in their War on Animals: MADD. That’s a lot of pamphlets, people.

    (Courtesy of Patrick S.)

    Written by Rick Snee

    ‘Til impending death do us part

    Posted on October 23, 2007
    Filed Under Regular Post | Leave a Comment |

    Looking for love? You might want to head to China. After all, what color is a heart? Red, the same color as the Chinese flag. Still getting over that girl you said was one in a million? Guess what? A million really isn’t that much in China.

    Take these two lovebirds, for example: a 106-year-old man and an 81-year-old woman just got married, in what is destined to be the shortest marriage since Rodman-Electra. Let’s all hope these two crazy kids make it. If not, can there really be any hope for the rest of us? Just try not to think about their honeymoon activities.

    Written by Bryan McBournie

    Panda watch: 2007!

    Posted on October 23, 2007
    Filed Under War on Animals | Leave a Comment |

    Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a hoax, though this could be cause for alarm. One of the strapping young youths of China bravely jumped into a panda cage, only to have that soulless beast bite him! They’re not cute and cuddly creatures, people.

    Bears = Godless Killing Machines.

    THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS. ESPECIALLY WITH THOSE FROM THE RACCOON FAMILY.

    It’s time to take the war to them. We almost had the pandas where we wanted wanted them, but then the governments stepped in with their “endangered species acts”. Finish the job.

    Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor

    Keep your boardgames in the family room

    Posted on October 23, 2007
    Filed Under Regular Post | Leave a Comment |

    What’s the best way to use the impressive graphics resources of the Xbox 360? Why, with arcade and card games from the 1980s.

    Key quote: The content deal came as Microsoft also unveiled a new version of the Xbox 360, dubbed Arcade, priced at $279 and bundled with five games, including “Pac-Man Championship Edition,” “Uno” and “Feeding Frenzy.”

    Yeah, digital Uno’s worth $55.80. Thanks, Microsoft.

    Fortunately, the controllers are still too complicated for chickens to beat us at checkers on the reimagined Xbox Live.

    Written by Rick Snee

    Giving the customers more than they asked for

    Posted on October 23, 2007
    Filed Under Stripper News | 1 Comment |

    Tourists enjoying the scenery on St. Maarten ended up coming home with a little bit more than just sunburns and souvenirs. They also may have come home with tuberculosis.

    Yes, health officials have sent out word that people who came in contact with a certain stripper should be checked out after the stripper tested positive for TB, also known as consumption.

    This proves once again that everything is sexier in the Caribbean, even a woman dancing around while coughing up a strange, greenish-yellow substance. Oh, mama!

    (Courtesy of Rachel U.)

    Written by Bryan McBournie


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