In 2002, Neil Marshall directed a low-budget film called Dog Soldiers. The plot was simple; take a close-knit group of six men, strand them in the wilderness and expose them to hostile monsters, i.e. werewolves. The film received a healthy reception both critically and financially and gradually wound it’s way towards it’s final cult destination. It’s a great film-make sure to rent it though, as opposed to watching it on The Sci-Fi Channel. Cut to 2005, and you could be forgiven for thinking that Marshall’s third film, The Descent, in which a close group of six women are stranded in a cave and exposed to hostile under-dwellers, is an exact blueprint rip-off of his earlier film. Not so much Dog Soldiers as “Lassie Spelunkers.” You could be forgiven for thinking that then, but you’d also be wrong, because this film is an extremely different beast altogether. The Descent is much more streamlined. This film’s lean. It’s mean. And by god, it’s as scary as hell.
Month: November 2007
On education: it’s time for another abstract war
100% of the drug abusers who have sex with this teacher (left) are students receiving an education.
What is the culprit in all of these situations? Education.
Notice, if you will, a disturbing trend:
- 100% of the developers of new math received education. Furthermore, their method was published and marketed by a university that may or may not sell education.
- D.A.R.E. is co-cordinated by educators. 100% of D.A.R.E. attendees are students, and 100% of those students that use drugs went to school (read: education).
- 100% of educators found guilty of sexual misconduct with students received some degree of education. 100% of all students who were sexually abused by their teachers met their antagonists in an educational environment.
In short, it’s time to take off the kid gloves, folks. Education is the cause of all of our society’s ills, including education. As impractical as it may seem, it is time to start another war: The War on Education.
This week in endangered species
We begin this post with bad news. Our mole has been snuffed out. Yes, Julie MacDonald, a former deputy assistant secretary overseeing the Fish and Wildlife Service, has been found out for her successful attempt to keep certain species off the endangered species list.
Such animals as the Canada lynx, Preble’s meadow jumping mouse and the Hawaiian picture-wing fly are just a few of the animals McDonald bravely kept off the list for our cause. It’s the hippies in the government who are always trying to lose every war we fight (most notably, the war on drugs) who created the Endangered Species Act.
Key quote: “Francesca Grifo of the Union of Concerned Scientists said the acknowledgment of seven instances of wrongdoing ‘does not begin to plumb the depths of what’s wrong’ at the wildlife agency and its implementation of the Endangered Species Act.”
That’s totally true. The problem with the implementation of the Endangered Species Act is that it’s being implemented at all.
In other news, our forces are finally gathering in more coherent units. One shining example of this progress comes from the island of Cyprus, where gunmen stormed a “protected” rare fruit bat colony and then used the bats for target practice, nearly all were killed.
Folks, it is through organized, military efforts that we can strike the animal bastards in their natural habitat. Go to a zoo, study their ways, then go out and hit them where they live. You know they would do the same to you, if we don’t act, perhaps one day they will.
Rise of the machines
You know how movies are always saying technology is bad? Perhaps, for once, movies are right about that. The FBI now believes they have captured the leader of the A-Team. Apparently, the group has gotten out of the hero-for-hire business and have moved to hacking and creating a “botnet” or legion of people’s computers they can control remotely by using viruses and worms. B.A. Baracus left the A-Team in the 1990s and has been seen most recently doing commercials for World of Warcraft.
Just remember, these people cannot be killed. I personally have seen bad guys empty clip after clip with automatic rifles and hit nothing but the dirt at their feet and whatever they happen to duck behind.
How To: Not look like an idiot
We wrote a SeriouslyGuide on how to look smart appear intelligent a few months ago. Upon reflection, however, we realized that looking smart isn’t always enough. One stupid act can destroy a carefully crafted image (read: lie) that you’ve presented to others. In some cases, that stupid act can supersede any actual smart things you do in the future. That is why The Guys have come together to teach you how to not look like an idiot.
Tools:
Toaster
Plate
Frame or kid
Thesaurus
1) Do not publicly eat individually-packaged pastries from the wrapper.
You’d think that, since this is America, you can eat whatever you want whenever you want. Well, yeah, you can. But, like with free speech, nobody can arrest you for looking like an idiot, but they can ridicule you or treat you like a child.
There’s one type of food that guarantees judgment from others, and that’s eating a Twinkie or uncooked Pop-Tart from the wrapper in public.
Twinkies, along with other Hostess and Little Debbie food-like products, have goofy kids’ names. Outside of a Whitney Houston song, who actually heralds children—en masse—as an imitable example for adult behavior? None that are credible.
On top of their ridiculous nomenclature, these bundles of sugar are often filled with an amorphous white cream. Congratulations, you’re now a Freudian joke.
Finally, there’s the issue of nutrition. We are a health-obsessed nation, though few of us seriously practice it. Because of that, we judge a person’s health based on appearance, because that’s all we actually maintain. A fat person who can run a marathon is still looked at as a fat person who needs lipo or a stomach-stapling. If you already appear unfit and are licking the chocolate off of a ding-dong wrapper, people will assume that you are too dumb to look fit.
The uncooked Pop-Tart lets others know that not only do you eat breakfast, an unheard of American practice after 3 am since the 1970s, but that you apparently don’t know how to cook it, either. This is even worse since the Pop-Tart can be prepared by any source of heat, be it toaster, microwave or Zippo.
What to do instead: Unwrap that ho-ho, and put it on a plate. Seriously. It seems ridiculous, but nobody looks down on someone with a sense of table-setting. Just don’t use a fork or knife; Seinfeld already ruined that. Or, you could just eat at home.
2) Do not wear someone else’s jersey unless you are under 15-years old.
The implication is that you got this jersey by sleeping with the player whose name is across the back. Or that you really want to sleep with this player, so you bought the jersey to impress him. Appearing like a muscles-obsessed homosexual does not make you look like an idiot. Publicly declaring your inappropriately high sexual fixation does. Face it, dude: Peyton Manning is way, way, WAY out of your league, and everyone knows it.
It’s important to leave childish things to children, at least so you won’t look like an idiot. Kids don’t wear sports stars’ jerseys to publicly announce their unrealistic crushes. They wear them out of idolization. And if you’re an adult that wears a jersey to idolize a sports player, then you’re considered one or two steps away from Silence of the Lambs and, therefore, look like an idiot.
What to do instead: Either frame that jersey, or give it to your kid. If you honestly feel that your devotion to your favorite team makes you a part of it, then get a custom jersey with your name on the back. We’re pretty sure this comes with every Green Bay tax return.
And ball caps are still fair play, unless they say something like, oh, “Warren Sapp’s body is a Wonderland!”
3) Do not say the word “literally” more than once a day.
If all of your stories incorporate the word “literally,” then you are clearly a character in a work of fiction. For something to happen literally, it simply means that it happened just as you described. In other words, it’s a long-winded way of saying “actually.”
Example: “Mr. President, I literally ate an entire KFC bucket.”
Unlike other words described in our guide to seeming intelligent, people have broken the code on “literally.” Using it means that either (a) you believe that the president cannot fathom eating a dozen or more pieces of chicken or (b) you ate a greasy cardboard carton. Say what you will about President Bush, but you will manage to look like the idiot, especially if you consume the face of a Colonel during a war.
What to do instead: Try saying “actually” or even throw in the occasional “I swear to Crom.” Or you could just leave it out. If your audience is confused, let them ask. If you meant that you really ate the chickeny-flavored box, say, “Yes, that’s what really happened.” If you meant that you ate a crapton of chicken, say, “What? Are you an idiot? Who eats cardboard?”
The latter response is especially handy if you realize you look like an idiot and need to back out of your story.
That’s sexual harassment, and robots don’t have to take it
The Japanese have quite a bit more experience with the humanoid robot race, which is why this state-of-the-art dental simulation training robot has one feature that most engineers (or anyone, for that matter) wouldn’t think to include—breast sensors that ensure no one touches her inappropriately. This, in turn, only begs the question of “Just how many times has this happened for to you realize you needed this robot, Japan?”. You’d think the creepy face would be enough of a deterrent for Dr. Happy Hands, D.D.S.
Worst alarm ever
Pet owners are more or less OK in the War on Animals. They keep the enemy as their slaves, but must always keep a watchful eye, to make sure they do not raise a hand–err, paw against them. However, in some cases, the pet doesn’t have to hurt the owner to hurt the people, its final objective.
An Italian man whose rooster (cock, snicker) is most likely faking its deafness, has been responsible for waking up the town’s people too early in the morning. The owner was fined for his troubles. Something tells this blog there will be some chicken available in town soon.
And take away their headsets
A city judge in Niagara Falls, New York lost his job and a great deal of pride after a panel dressd him down recently. Two years ago, the judge just like any of us, got annoyed when someone’s cell phone started ringing, breaking everyone’s consentration. I mean, how hard is it to turn off your phone or put it on mute? But no, everywhere you go at least one phone goes off, and that reminds other people to turn their phones off, so you hear the beeps of their volume turning down.
Ahem!
In any case, the judge got mad at the ringing cell phone in his courtroom, so he ordered 46 people in the audience locked up. Why did he do this? To prove that jail has more bars in more places
Take it from Snee: We gots ourselves a boycott!
Somewhere, a filmmaker is already writing a screenplay about this child speaking in a British accent, ending World War II and rescuing their parents by saving the land of the living teddy bears.
… Harry Potter …
What in Peter Parker’s emo hair is His Dark Materials? Another story about children whisked away to imaginary world to save it from evil represented in the real world, eh? British, too, again? ::sigh::
Well anyway, these two groups are against this new Golden Compass movie, which is presumably the first part of a trilogy based on the His Dark Materials books. The Catholic League says the villains are thinly-veiled stand-ins for the Church. The Secularists say the villains’ veils aren’t thin enough and want more Christians fed to armored polar bears.
Yeah, there’re armored polar bears. Not giant elephants or talking beavers or even S&M house elves. This film uses bears.
You know what? They’re both right. This film does deserve a boycott.
First: how many movies do kids need about British children saving Imaginationland?
- This story’s already been written, animated and raped by Spielberg; it’s called Peter Pan. But not one year goes by without a “brand new” story of underprivileged white kids battling witch queens and goblins. Interestingly, children cannot get any whiter than British Caucasian.Of course, most of these stories are written by parents for their children, but it’s not a profound gift if they’re using the same tired formula as two other movies in the same year. We get it, Hollywood: your experiments in breeding have succeeded and now you see the world through the magical eyes of your crotchfruit.
Second: how many more film trilogies do we need, particularly in this genre?
- There hasn’t even been a second Narnia film yet. Haven’t filmmakers learned from The Godfather and The Karate Kid that three is often too many? If it weren’t for the unexplainable demand for trilogies, we could have seen a coherent and succinct Matrix sequel.And why trilogies? Why not two-parters or quintrilogies? Or, here’s an idea: how about making a movie that tells a story without an arrogant writer believing that he or she has created yet another Tolkienesque universe. Making sequel after sequel of elaborate background and philosophical meandering does not make a work profound. Let the fanboys argue about a film’s meaning and quit trying to do the work for us.
Third: what the hell happened to atheists?
- These nuts are worse than the holy rollers nowadays. I’ve always expected some degree of evangelism in religious movies, though some lay it on thicker than others, but since when does atheism require propaganda? It’s a simple idea that everyone, even Mother Theresa, has thought of: what if there is no god?I’m not arguing either side’s position here because I don’t need to: the entire internet is already at it. Any mention of religion is met with pompous arguments regarding the foolishness of evangelical Christianity. Likewise, every mention of evolution or other so-called atheist dogma is countered with Christians screaming bible verses.
In short, atheists are turning into everything I already dislike about organized religion. Everyone is fighting for a cause that won’t be resolved until the world ends. The crux in the argument is that every year that doesn’t end in the Rapture means that atheists are right, so even if it does happen, the atheists are correct until then. It’s Schrödinger’s Cat all over again, only we’re not arguing whether the cat is alive, but what happens to it if dead.
And of all the groups to cast as villains, why the Catholic Church? It’s not like there’s a new Inquisition in the works. Even if the Church fired up the old confession mills, I doubt they’d be after atheists. Besides, if we really want to pigeon-hole Christianity as conspiratorially oppressing human thought, then wouldn’t evangelical Protestants make a more plausible threat? And if they’re looking for a really easy target, then why not do what every other filmmaker has done in the past and cast the villains as Nazis?
Obviously, we can’t expect anything original from movies at this point. We, the consumers, continue to gripe about remakes and formula-driven plotlines (see: this entire rant), but we aren’t doing anything about it.
Maybe we should go on strike. Forget the writers: they’re part of the problem, so I don’t think this current batch will be missed. I mean, has anyone really minded their absence over the past couple of weeks? Sure, I miss having new episodes of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, but I hope Heroes, Lost and Grey’s Anatomy never come back.
But that’s just it: we can’t go completely on strike. We still need television and movies to get laid without talking to our dates. But we can follow through with a boycott of The Golden Compass and every other textbook genre flick and remake that Hollywood foists on us.
Postscript: I know, you’re thinking, “But Rick, Lord of the Rings wasn’t about children.” Yeah? Then what are hobbits? They’re afraid of wizards and adventure, believe they don’t matter much in the world, and will smoke and drink too much if given the chance. Plus, weren’t Frodo and Company extremely young compared to the other hobbits? Coupled with their crisp delivery of the Queen’s English, this makes even Tolkien’s creations part of the problem.
A fresh new start
A reverend in the town of Whitewood, South Dakota (population: 800 strong and counting!) wants to change the name of Hooker St., because he thinks it’s offensive—even though it was named after Civil War General “Fighting” Joe Hooker and the address is only used by one resident. Once again, this proves that there is absolutely nothing better to do in South Dakota.
“It’s $10 for a BJ, $12 for an HJ, $15 for a ZJ…“