MasterChugs Theater: ‘The Host’
Posted on November 2, 2007
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Earlier in the month, Bryan McBournie made the comment that even though October’s reviews would be themed with Asian on the brain, no Godzilla type movies would be reviewed.
As of right now, it’s officially November 2, which, at least, the last time I checked, is not part of the month of October. Suck it, Trebek.
Monster movies have always captured audiences’ attention. From King Kong and Godzilla to The Blob and Jaws, cinematic monsters leave us both in awe and terror, as we contemplate our effect on nature. In it’s bold continuation of the monster movie tradition, The Host is both shocking and surprising, but not because of graphic violence or exploited terror. It breaks from genre conventions so quickly, that you are left off-kilter, not knowing what to expect next. It’s a monster movie that plays like the filmmakers have never seen another monster movie, and it’s a breath of fresh air in a rather stale genre.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorNot a chupacabra
Posted on November 2, 2007
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As we mentioned a couple months back, they caught a suspected dead chupacabra in Texas (link is toward the bottom).
However, it seems the monster will continue to roam the Texas-Mexican border area, because the animal found was actually, a strange looking, hairless coyote, according to biologists. This blog is sad to hear this news, because it means the beast is still out there somewhere, and people will not see evidence of how truly evil these beings are.
Fight on, brave soldiers.
Written by Bryan McBournieAsk Dr. Snee, Guynecologist: Bacteria and babies
Posted on November 2, 2007
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Believe it or not, babies and bacteria have a lot in common. Both are transmitted by the usual means: sex. They also grow inside of their hosts, annoying it until they break free and annoy the rest of us, too. And that brings us to this week’s medical queries.
Recently, my office gave out free potato salad to its employees. It would seem that everyone except for myself has apparently gotten sick from it. Do I have some ancient caveman era bacteria in my stomach?
I’m assuming from your letter that you actually ate this contaminated potato salad as well. Otherwise, my answer would be no: food poisoning isn’t contagious. But since you did eat it, there are two possible reasons why you didn’t get sick.
1) Yes, you may have some ancient caveman bacteria in your stomach. My guess is that you are also short and hairy and have a pronounced brow and jowl, close-set eyes and a propensity towards committing violent crimes. (One of my MDs is in Phrenology.)
2) The potato salad wasn’t contaminated. It’s very possible that your coworkers faked it for an unofficial Skip Day and didn’t tell you. It could be because you are short and hairy and have a pronounced brow and jowl, close-set eyes and a propensity towards committing violent crimes.
Where do babies come from?
Wow. You were home-schooled, weren’t you?
This is not a short answer, so try to keep up.
Babies are an emotional creation that human beings use to punish themselves, often unwittingly.
The process begins at 12-years-old for most males, and 9 for most females, when they decide that their parents are the worst people in the world and that they will never make the same mistakes with their own lives.
This anger ferments for a varied period of time, usually three to 30 years, and manifests itself in self-destructive behavior like drug and alcohol abuse, piercings, tattoos and going to a liberal arts college to study creative writing.
At the critical mass point, this behavior contributes to and culminates in unprotected sex with a member of the opposite sex. And that’s where babies come from.
Within the next nine months, the terrified couple gets married and spends the rest of their lives still trying to (unsuccessfully) prove their parents wrong, which means more babies, a lifetime of debt and an unfinished novel/screenplay/business model.
Their children notice this trait in their parents and grow resentful for the next nine to 12 years. The circle of life then begins anew.
Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.
Written by Rick SneeWell, who didn’t see this coming?
Posted on November 2, 2007
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Don Vito (a.k.a. Vincent Margera) “was convicted of two counts of sexual assault on a child.”
Probably assuming cameras were on him and Bam was waiting to punch him in the nuts, Vito responded by falling to the floor, pleading “Just kill me now.” Instead, deputies dragged him off to jail, and Bam probably blew up his house.
The best part, of course, was his defense:
- Defense attorney Pamela Mackey had argued that when Margera appeared at the skate park, he took on the persona of the outrageous and profane Don Vito. Mackey had said that Margera, a car painter, learned that the crazier he acted, the more his fans loved it.
No snide joke here, people. Some of this blog’s posts write themselves.
(Courtesy of Patrick S.)
Written by Rick SneeAssault with a deadly condiment
Posted on November 2, 2007
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There are some battles not worth fighting, and then there are matters of pickles. In Michigan, men clearly know this addage, as one man is currently facing assault charges with pickles.
Two friends got into an argument over pickles when one man, Bobby Lee Bolen, was hanging out at his friend’s house and got hungry. He went to the fridge and grabbed a jar of pickles. When Bolen’s friend, Jody Lee, said he could not afford to feed everyone, Bolen got upset stormed off, but later returned to throw two pickles at Lee.
Key quote: “‘If this is not the silliest case I’ve ever seen in this courtroom, it certainly is in the Top 10,’ Berrien Trial Court Judge Scott Schofield said. ‘The fact that it’s silly doesn’t mean that it’s not serious.’”
Written by Bryan McBournieFinishing the fight, one mom at a time
Posted on November 2, 2007
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A wee Halo 3 fan has been accused of punching his mother after she forced him to stop playing. The boy was engrossed in the game when he was told to end the session as it was getting late. When he refused, the youngster’s mother removed the “air card” from the Xbox 360 (nobody, gamer or non-gamer, knows what that is) and was met with violent resistance.
The kid then stormed throughout the house in a bid to find the hidden card, punching his mother in the process. When his search ended in success, the Master Chief lover locked himself in his room and continued the struggle against evil alien races (TM) despite the fact that cops had been called. As the mother and police started to bang on the barricade, the punk hurled insults their way until cops eventually got to him, cuffed him and took him in. He faces charges of domestic battery and battery on a law enforcement officer. There’s been no comment from Microsoft yet on whether the guy any number of skulls.
Written by Chris "Chugs" Taylor