Take it from Snee: Nostalgia is for the weak
Posted on November 7, 2007
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The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines “nostalgia” as:
- 1 : the state of being homesick : HOMESICKNESS
2 : a wistful or excessively sentimental yearning for return to or of some past period or irrecoverable condition; also : something that evokes nostalgia
There’s a few choice wordings in that definition I’d like to highlight before I ream into contemporary popular opinion.
First: “being homesick.” As in, being that 14-year-old at summer camp that cries alone in his or her bunk while everyone else plays kickball. It’s understandable in children, and is OK in small doses for adults. I repeat: it’s OK in small doses for adults.
Second: “excessively sentimental.” It’s also OK to be a little sentimental about certain things, like your first HJ or table saw. Excessively sentimental means that you get misty-eyed because M*A*S*H hasn’t taped new episodes since Trapper John, MD, ended.
Third: “irrecoverable condition.” I’m emphasizing this part because it’s obvious that dictionary writers have one hell of a sense of humor. Sure, on the surface, this refers to going back to a time when your dad didn’t touch you “down there” or the Washington Redskins had a solid offensive line. But I also think this extends to wanting Journey to go back on tour, and the uncloseted love of Journey is very much a condition on par with dementia and Tourette’s (see: parties when “Don’t Stop (Believing)” is playing).
Alright, those points stressed, I’m no longer tired of nostalgia.
I’m combatively angry about nostalgia now. Every year, I read more and more opinions that America was “better” in one past era or another, or that the world was a simpler place when you were 6 years old.
To start off, the world was not simpler when you were 6; you were. While the rest of the world was worried about nuclear annihilation, crooked S&L Loans, Libya and (for some reason) orphans, your biggest concern was whether the Punky Brewster cartoon was as good as or better than the show. Or how you would ever convince your parents that you needed the regular G.I. Joe space shuttle with mini-combat shuttle inside, or the ginormous G.I. Joe space juggernaut with launching pad and a regular space shuttle inside the cargo bay. Or how long would you have to wait until Star Wars Episodes VII, VIII and IX (the rest of your natural life).
So taking the above into account, how could America have been better back then? Most of the same problems that existed then also exist now. The only shift in the political landscape is that we invade countries for harboring terrorists now, instead of for harboring communists. And they were both compared to Nazis, only we used the commies to fight Nazis and used the terrorists to fight commies.
- A TifS Prediction: Our next war, once terrorism is vanquished, will be against Poland because we used their combat troops in Afghanistan and Iraq. Germany will help us, and then we will have to fight them again after Poland falls, which will create a vortex and transport us back to 1939.
Just this week, New York Times columnist Judith Warner wrote about The Daring Book for Girls, which she applauds for waxing nostalgic about the 1970s. Riding the wave from last week’s trampy Halloween costume crisis, she believes that the “me” decade was a better time for young girls, at least when it came to positive role models.
This, of course, ignores Daisy Duke, Farrah Fawcett, Deep Throat and Debbie doing sex-things to get to Dallas, wife-swap parties, disco, Vietnam, hip-hugger jeans (but no thongs!), lower drinking ages, smoking in workplaces, socially-accepted discrimination and Roger Moore.
In this light, nostalgia for a caricature of an entire decade is like remembering an old relationship. Sure, the sex was great (the first two times), and they bought you flowers once for no reason, but they still tried to burn your trailer down. Twice.
The worst nostalgia, though, is for times and places you aren’t old enough to remember or, even worse, experience.
- Bill: If you could live in any decade, what would it be?
Jill: The 60s! I just know I’d be a hippie! I’d go to Woodstock and watch the moon landing and lose my virginity to all of The Beatles, except George Harrison!
Bill: Pfft. I’d go back to the 40s: swing music, Bogart movies and World War II. World War II would be awesome. Unlike now, that war was so much easier.
I made that particular conversation up, but I assembled it with hundreds I’ve heard, read and–unfortunately–participated in. Although I do routinely run into pairings of 20-somethings with rhyming names.
Not only is this barely nostalgia, because the very meaning of the word implies that you remember it, but it’s nauseating to hear periods of time boiled down to movies you’ve seen late at night or music you listened to for that U.S. History class.
You know how we complain about our media being full of propaganda? Whether it’s Fox News or The New York Times, Hollywoodland or Hollywood or Glenn Miller or Godsmack, why would we assume that this is something that has changed over time? Most of these media examples are venerable institutions that have an established commercial history. How would they still exist if investors just now figured out that they’re full of crap?
They wouldn’t. And the “history” from the past is just as tainted as our own current recordings and scribblings. The only difference is that people were paid less for towing party lines back then because of inflation and today’s highly-accessible nip-slip pictures.
I offer this scenario: if it is, indeed, possible to evaluate an entire decade based on popular entertainment, then what will our grandchildren think about ours? Will times seem simpler to them because our biggest concerns were with keeping our dogs locked up, wearing migets from our necklaces, being sufficiently redneck women and riding cowboys to save extinct horses?
And that’s why nostalgia is for the weak: it’s a mental cop-out. Instead of examining causes and effects of eons, we’re cherry-picking the parts of history presented on a TV-dinner tray. It’s unproductive, like crying in your bunk instead of playing kickball, because 1) time travel is impossible and 2) that time period is probably not as fun as it was when you were 6 or your grandparents.
In short, cowboy up and get with the times. And if you do alright, you can use your nostalgia to make a nice Renn Faire costume.
Written by Rick SneeChristmas (and blood) is in the air
Posted on November 7, 2007
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The Germans are weird. We all know that. However, a great deal of our Christmas traditions come from German roots (Christmas trees, yule logs, Santa Claus, etc.). So it is safe to say that when it comes to Christmas, the Germans know how to do it.
What’s the latest trend in German Christmas celebrations? An advent calendar with a serial killer in it.
Yes, a man convicted of killing 24 people in the 1920s is making a comeback in an advent calendar, and the calendars are flying off the shelves.
Key quote: “The cartoon calendar shows Fritz Haarmann, who murdered 24 young men and boys in the 1920s, lurking under a tree with a hatchet next to the door for December 1. Below him, Santa Claus hands out presents to children in a festive-looking Hanover.”
But fear not, other local celebrities are in there, including famous musicians like David Hasselhoff The Scorpions. So after you’re done killing children, get ready to rock Christmas like a hurricane.
Seriously, who knew they were German?
Written by Bryan McBourniePREPARE THE TRANSIT BEAM!
Posted on November 7, 2007
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So, apparently T-Mobile owns all rights to the usage of the color magenta in relation to telecommunications, like phones, digital media, or, the internet. This’d be better news if magenta wasn’t such an ugly color. T-Mobile, you really dropped the ball on this one. Haven’t you ever heard of the wonderful color that is “mauve”?
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorJust wait until you see the cartoon tie-in
Posted on November 7, 2007
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China doesn’t like you. This is more or less evident from reported cases of toys with gross amounts of lead, to tainted food being released over here, to even aligning with our enemies the animals by allowing SARS to become nearly rampant worldwide. It should be noted that while they may hate the world, they’ve been keeping most of their hate focused on the U.S. Luckily, they seem to have turned their attention toward a closer victim–Australia. To be more specific, Australia’s youth. Or even more specifically, Australia’s date-raping youth. Talk about a niche market.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorWeed wackos
Posted on November 7, 2007
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In case you haven’t heard, don’t smoke pot in a police station.
Written by Bryan SchoolsPainful Headline of the Day
Posted on November 7, 2007
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Immigration can be a female dog, especially these days. But when it means you end up having your most manly of members cut off because of it, your experience is just a little worse.
A man from El Salvador is suing the government because he was held over in immigration and could not get proper treatment for cancer on his penis. Because he could not get treatment in time, he and his little friend had to part ways permanently. Worst part is, the cancer has also hit the terminal stage.
Written by Bryan McBournie