MasterChugs Theater: ‘Monster House’
Posted on November 16, 2007
Filed Under MasterChugs Theater | Leave a Comment |
Some quick housekeeping: the Guys are taking off next week because we like turkey. Even more than the internet? Say it ain’t so! We’ll be back on Monday, November 26. In the meantime, do something important, like…reading a book, or bugging your family members. And alooooooooooooooong with the review:
‘Monster House‘ is arguably the scariest movie that has ever been targeted to children. There are multiple children who will probably say to their parents, “Mommy/Daddy, I’m scared.” Luckily, the movie is also funny, sweet, and more than a little sad. The boys act like boys, the girls act like girls, and the adult figures, of course, treat the kids as if they were insane, like an animated Lemony Snicket story. And who else would be in the executive producer’s chair but Steven Spielberg, who has terrorized more children than the Devil, the boogie man and Barbra Streisand combined.
It’s only a few minutes after the departure of DJ’s parents that he kills his neighbor, old man Nebbercracker (voiced by Steve Buscemi). Nebbercracker has been terrorizing the neighborhood’s kids for generations, and he has a heart attack while engaging in a tirade against DJ (voiced by Mitchel Musso) for stepping on his lawn. Nebbercracker’s death is only the beginning of DJ’s bad day. It’s Halloween, and apparently Nebbercracker’s rickety old house isn’t pleased at DJ’s part in its owner’s death. Nebbercracker’s house is alive and angry. With his parents out of town, DJ and his friends, Chowder and Jenny, can only watch in horror as the house starts devouring neighborhood toys, pets, and eventually police officers that trod on its lawn.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorA whiskey situation
Posted on November 16, 2007
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Imagine the most horrible thing that could ever happen to humanity. Good. Now imagine that about ten times worse. That could be exactly how bad it could be if police in Tennessee have their way.
Thousands of bottles of Jack Daniel’s whiskey, much of it around the century mark, could be POURED DOWN THE DRAIN by police after being seized recently. The bottles were seized in warehouse raids in Nashville and Lynchburg, but no one has been arrested. The law calls for seized bottles that cannot be sold in the country to be dumped down the drain. The whiskey must be saved!
Key quote: “‘Punish the person, not the whiskey,’ said an outraged Kyle MacDonald, 28, a Jack Daniel’s drinker from British Columbia who promotes the whiskey on his blog. ‘Jack never did anything wrong, and the whiskey itself is innocent.’”
Excellent point. Sure, whiskey has caused the premature exit of many a man’s lunch, is responsible for a hazy memory or two and roughly 34 percent of the world’s population today, but of this crime the booze is innocent. All it did was sit there in its bottle, as it has for decades, when someone brought it to a warehouse. Then one day police arrested the liquor and questioned it. But the whiskey, in its years of wisdom, just sat there silently pondering.
It’s time for a mass protest in Tennessee. Who’s with me?
Written by Bryan McBournieAsk Dr. Snee, Guynecologist: Lungs … of iron!
Posted on November 16, 2007
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Dear Dr. Snee,
How does an Iron Lung work? Is it anything like an Iron Cross?
To answer your question, I consulted my third favorite medical journal, Wikipedia. (My first two go-to sources are Men’s Health and the Bible.) According to the WPMJ, the iron lung is a “negative pressure ventilator”:
- The person using the iron lung is placed into the central chamber, a cylindrical steel drum. A door allowing the head and neck to remain free is then closed, forming a sealed, air-tight compartment enclosing the rest of the person’s body. Pumps that control airflow periodically decrease and increase the air pressure within the chamber, and particularly, on the chest. When the pressure falls below that within the lungs, the lungs expand and air from outside the chamber is sucked in via the person’s nose and airways to keep the lungs filled; when the pressure rises above that within the lungs, the reverse occurs, and air is expelled. In this manner, the iron lung mimics the physiologic action of breathing: by periodically altering intrathoracic pressure, it causes air to flow in and out of the lungs.
Now, that might seem a little technical, but I’m a doctor. It’s my job to explain the bullpuckey researchers made up, just like how religious leaders explain the vague, contradictory rules of their gods. Allegory, which is Scandinavian for “pop culture or farm animal reference,” is our main tool of the trade.
The iron lung works like Tupac Shakur.
When Tupac was alive and recording albums, hip-hop fans on the west coast liked him. They, in the parlance of the kids, dug his rap. He was one hip dude. But he wasn’t universally recognized as a musical artist, just a really good rhymer-guy. He even made a movie or two, but nobody saw them because he wasn’t shooting anybody (unlike DMX’s far superior films). By saturating the market with his alive-ness, negative pressure caused his career to stagnate into having relations with Biggie’s wife.
When Tupac pulled an anti-50 Cent (not shrugging off bullets), the world suddenly appreciated his music. His albums crossed over into the playlists of music lovers whose hip-hop experience was limited to a fifth-grade infatuation with MC Hammer. They sold in record numbers. In short, the forces of negative pressure caused the lungs of America to inhale as much dead Tupac as it could get.
But the Tupac estate began to release newly rediscovered tracks. A posthumous collection of these works made people joke that he faked his death, in hiding from whoever tried to kill him. Negative pressure acted again, and we stopped craving new Tupac material because there was too much of it again.
Does the iron lung make sense now? Of course it does.
As to it’s relation to the Iron Cross, well, it depends on which iron cross you’re referring to. There’s the WWI and WWII medal awarded by Germany for meritorious acts, also known as the Teutonic Cross. And there are also regular crosses made of iron, but I’m sure they were replaced with gold or steel ones once the coffers were full enough. But there’s also the gymnastics maneuver on the rings.
The iron lung is nothing like those, but it is like your second question. As a doctor, I can’t cure paralysis, but I can put you in an iron lung when you’re too paralyzed to breathe on your own. Likewise, I can’t cure stupid, but I can answer your questions.
Rick Snee is not, in any way, a licensed medical professional or an actor that plays one on television. He’s just really opinionated, which is good enough for blogging. To submit your own questions to Dr. Snee, Guynecologist, post comments below or email the good doctor.
Written by Rick SneeGuy invents pepper spray/flashlight combo
Posted on November 16, 2007
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Guy also invents great way to blind yourself at night.
Written by Chris "Chugs" TaylorOn the toad again
Posted on November 16, 2007
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Law enforcement is finally going after traitors to the human race and the animals they serve. At long last, cops have realized this is a war taking place inside our very borders and they are getting off their duffs to help us win.
Recently, a man in Kansas City was arrested in a drug bust. He had a Colorado river toad police say he used to get high. The best part about this is that they brought in the toad, too.
Key quote: “Both Theiss and the toad were taken into custody. While Theiss was released on bond, the toad remains detained at a police crime lab.”
That’s right! “Detain” that toad and all of his buddies. Run all the experiments you want, it’s like high school biology all over again, but more fun.
(Courtesy of Courtney P.)