Month: November 2007

Greasy thumbs encouraged

Americans are naturally competitive. It’s in our blood. Obviously, because we are the best country in the world, or not. In any case, where is the World Series held? The World Series? How about the NBA Championship, home of the World Champions? We are the best in the world, and we love to compete to prove it.

Before, this blog said competitive eating was the most American pastime ever created (the link is not available, but we know you trusty readers recall it). After all, it combines America’s two favorite things: competition and binge eating fatty foods. But now, there is a newer, more American pastime: competitive text messaging.

Quick, text a buddy with the following message: “Omg, did u c whts on sg 2day? lol.”

Downsizing hits the workshop

The War on Christmas is back again, surprisingly enough, it does not involve animals this time around–yet. Instead, it seems the economy hurts everyone, including Santa’s elves.

In Helsinki, elves at Santa Park, which this blog can only assume is some kind of weird Finnish Christmas tribute, lost their jobs to “temporary workers.” Once again, Mexicans are taking jobs from hard-working elves.

Eat My Sports: Sean Taylor

This week is an abbreviated EMS, and I’ll make it short, but nothing about this situation is sweet. Sean Taylor, one of the premier safeties in the NFL, and the true anchor of the Washington Redskins’ defense, was shot in his Miami home on Monday morning, then later passed at an area hospital.

Taylor, the fifth overall pick by the Skins in the 2004 draft was entering his prime, and had reached a level of maturation that his coaches had come to admire, a far cry from his days as being labeled as one of the NFL’s bad boys.

No one played the game with more tenacity. He was fierce on the field and was the support structure for Washington’s defense. Anyone who has seen what his absence has meant this season knows that, but his permanent absence leaves a far greater hole.

Marking this as anything other than a tragedy would be labeling it wrong, you hate to see anyone go, but for someone to pass for nothing other than staying in his home adds a touch more of helplessness to the entire situation. We’ll leave the comment board open for your thoughts/memories of #21/#36. As for what annoys me most in sports this week, nothing gets at me more than this.

It rubs the pepper spray on the skin…

…or else it gets the crown again. Ingrid Marie Rivera survived a pepper spray attack—it was coated on her dress by rival contestants—and still managed to claim the Miss Puerto Rico crown. It’s a sad state of affairs when even the illustrious Miss Puerto Rico is besieged by malicious acts such as these. Nonetheless, there’s a very easy solution to these kinds of clothing-related assaults. All beauty pageants should be performed in the nude.

Except Miss Vermont. That’s right, I’m talking to you.

But … it’s a nurse

Children celebrating the proposed anti-spanking law, daring parents to pop them oneWhy would a nurse, a profession that pornography has demonstrated is pro-spanking, recommend a law to outlaw spanking?

Who knows?  But considering the law is proposed for Massachussetts, parents there might want to get their licks in while they still can.

This, of course, raises the question: what’s the point of guaranteeing insurance for your children if you can’t beat them or scourge their lungs with secondhand smoke? 

I believe you have my STAPLER!

Local law enforcement in Kentucky was not prepared for such shocking crime. They could only respond the best way they knew how after a robbery was reported.

According to witnesses, a man wearing a ski mask whom we can only assume was not skiing, got away with $175 from an ice cream store after threatening employees with a stapler.

Key quote: “Ashland Police Capt. Don Petrella said he didn’t know if Rocchi planned to shoot staples at the shop’s employees or use it as a blunt instrument if he didn’t get the cash.”

The right of the people to run red lights shall not be infringed

Do you believe red-light cameras violate your right to privacy, but can’t find a convincing arguement against them? A Knoxville resident has tested their safety with his .30-06 high powered rifle.

.30-06 Rifles: the tools for this important experiment
The result: Red light cameras are typically encased in “bullet resistant” housings that cannot stop a high-powered rifle round. The camera’s lens was shattered, rendering the camera incapable of ticketing.

Finding: The plating used on the red light camera increases the possibility of ricochet damage from small arms fire to nearby homes and businesses.

So if you can’t argue your constitutional right to run red lights, you can argue against the cameras’ safety to the community, thanks to the Second Amendment. For more information, contact your local chapter of the Rick Snee Antidisestablismentarian Militia.

Suck it, Aibo

Even though I have yet to watch Battlestar Galactica (despite the pressuring of others), even I know that as impressive as it is, the marketing department may be a little shy of the Cylon-esque armor at the end. The best part of the video though? The way the narrator says “exoskeleton” as if it was the single most awesome thing ever….

…..cuz it is.

Watch out for that sky!

Buchanan’s back and brings tidings of, well, bleakness.  This blog normally doesn’t care about Pat’s endeavors, but his new book made Drudge’s top post of the day.

Among Pat’s latest fears are Mexicans in Mexico, Mexicans crossing our borders, Mexicans becoming American citizens and Mexicans in America. How high do Mexicans rank on the Patented Buchanan Crap-Your-Pants-ometer? Higher than the Russians, the Chinese and the entire Middle East. This includes the belief that El Guapo will build a nice villa in the southwest and claim it for May-hee-co.

And this is the comfort of fringe-conservatism: if the American sky is a second story window, then brown people are holding the stickball bat.