Month: December 2007

Enemy-lovers rally to save condemned beaver

The War on Animals is like every other war in history, in that it is ugly. The ugliness of that war has led the more naive of our kind to believe what we are doing in defending ourselves from the Animal Uprising is wrong. These protesters are stopping us from being victorious.

Take this story for example. While SG was on break last week, the headline said a pesky beaver was facing “the death sentence” for cutting down too many trees. No joke. This blog thought the lazy liberal media had finally caught on and rallied behind the cause. But then those no-goodniks at CNN, better known as the Critter News Network, posted the story, raising questions to the beaver’s punishment.

Because hippies wrote letters in protest to the City of Bakersfield, Calif. and its decision.

Key quote: “Brenner wrote [to the Calif. Governor’s Office], ‘I saw an article on CNN.com that had a link to a Bakersfield, CA news station about a beaver that has been sentenced to death by wildlife officials for gnawing on trees in a local park. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Why has this creature been sentenced to death for doing the only thing that it knows how to do?'”

Ms. Brenner, you just answered your own question. The beaver must die because chopping down pretty trees and stopping our water supply is all it knows how to do. It can’t be rehabilitated.

Bakersfield has every right to issue such an order as a sovereign city. Besides, even if the beaver was not classified as an enemy combatant, it’s not human, and therefor would not be afforded the legal protections provided by the U.S. Constitution (read it, it says nothing about the rights of animals, except for a confusing statement about the arms of a bear).

It’s a difficult age


This whimsical cartoon of birds to prevent spanking probably led to this incident.

Proving that it’s a miracle most children live past middle school, a 12-year-old in Sequim, Washington sent his local Applebee’s into a tizzy by scrawling “help me” on his placemate.

The restuarant staff found the crayon wolf-cry under his plate, presumbly after the porter’s three-hour smoke break. A manhunt for the boy and his two adult male companions ensued. There is still no word on whether the diners were offered the restaurant chain’s new Jalapeno Nacho Popper Kickers ‘Skins as an appetizer.

Once it was exposed as a hoax, a new manhunt was launched.

Local police have suggested billing the boy’s parents for the search costs, but this blog recommends a better solution: a town spanking. All rescue parties get a swing.

While you we were out

Sure, it may be New Year’s Eve, but there is a lot to follow up on after The Guys took last week off. In fact, there is just plain too much to catch up on, so let’s focus on the Christmas happenings.

Drunken Santas ravage New Zealand
Don’t you just hate it when people talk during a movie? Don’t you just hate it when a gang of drunken Santas runs through your movie theater yelling profanities? Just such a thing happened the weekend before Christmas.

Yes, Santa Claus came to town, but he had apparently cloned himself 50 times over and stopped at every bar on his way from the North Pole. Filled with Christmas spirits, the Santas Claus ran through the theater, yelling obscenities, ripping down posters and knocking over cardboard promo thingies.

Since nearly every story we cover about New Zealand involves public intoxication and running through the streets dressed in a strange manner, this blog is seriously considering relocating to the island nation.

Key quote: “Security cameras caught the action, but Rive said with their hats, white beards and suits, the rampaging Santas cannot be identified.”

Christmas cards from beyond the grave
Sure, Sean Taylor will play posthumously in the Pro Bowl this season, but what if someone died but still sent out Christmas cards? Chet Fitch did that, so this blog must assume his undead state has not completely ravaged his mind.

Fitch sent over 30 Christmas cards this year in what the media cover-up is calling a “practical joke.” The liberals over at FOXNews are saying they were actually mailed by a friend, in a plot that took more than 20 years to finally put in place. We all know what the real story is: zombies are out there and mainstream media is buying the so-called federal government’s lame excuse for a logical explanation.

When will they admit that zombies are out there and are trying to get in our good graces by sending us cards?

He’s just a tracer

A Bakersfield, California high school teacher is on trial for trying to … *ahem* … res-erect the arts in his classroom.

As we enter the new year, it is important to remember that education is still the cause of all of society’s woes. Had this teacher not gone to some freaky-deaky college, he wouldn’t have learned about the smut that is art.

The McBournie Minute: College football

I don’t care about college football. There, I said it.

I know in roughly 95 percent of the country, a statement like this is liable to get anything from a lynching to a bitch slap, but I will not lie. What with the college football season wrapping up, I figured this was the safest time to write such a scathing opinion piece.

Can anyone tell me what the point of being in a bowl game is? Allegedly, only one is really important, the Rose Bowl. In this, two teams, which must have flawless seasons in order to be considered, have been chosen to play each other based on a computer-based ranking structure no mortal man can possibly understand. From what I have heard, the algorithm (ha, I found a use for that word!) takes into account factors like the weather, injuries, average age of the fans present, dew point, gravitational pull and flavor of Gatorade dumped on coach. Can we just say it’s arbitrary?

These two teams are the best, according to the computer, and that makes it worth watching. But those who do not get chosen for the Rose Bowl can be chosen for one of the other bowl games. These have varying sponsors and often change names. It’s like the MLB World Series, brought to you by Applebee’s, “Get It Together, Baby!”

These other, name-changing bowl games are meaningless. They are merely consolation prices for the other teams. After all, we don’t want those budding young athletes to feel like they have failed. Think of it as the trophy they give all the children at the end of the little league season. There are no playoffs, no tournament structure easy to follow, just a mess of statistics easy to navigate if you have a Sherpa.

But perhaps the worst part about it is that these guys are kids. They are aged 18 to 22. Yet they are scrutinized and criticized as if they were professional, paid athletes. Really, they are just jocks getting a free ride and dedicate a great deal of their time to the school. But so does an RA. These kids play in the leagues where the landscape is constantly changing, not that the leagues mean anything, anyway.

Yet for some reason, this is all some people care about. They even root for schools they didn’t even go to. The entire community pays to see students, whose tax dollars are already paying for their tuition, play in games, giving the greedy universities more money, not that that will stop tuition rates. The sport as a whole is fine, but for my money, if I am going to go nuts about a team, I will go with a professional team–like, say, Your Perfect 16-0 Season New England Patriots, led by Saint Thomas Brady.

Completely random note: This movie looks like the scariest thing ever. (Trailer NSFW unless you have headphones.)

MasterChugs Theater: ‘Santa’s Slay’

The final entry for “SANTA DOESN’T LIKE YOU AND HE’S A BAD, BAD MAN” is here, and boy, is it a doozy. Be prepared for a whopper of a bad movie, because this Santa is buff, bad, big and a bad actor. Really, if you’ve seen any of the other movies in this theme, that last bit shouldn’t surprise you in the slightest. Hope your stockings are hung over a barricaded chimney because here comes Santa’s Slay! Continue reading MasterChugs Theater: ‘Santa’s Slay’

Porn is such a lie

Let’s play fill in the blanks:

A ______ Bartow (Florida) High School math teacher was arrested for soliciting sex from a student.

If you said “male,” you are correct.

Had the sentence said “A ______ math teacher was arrested after having sex with a student and here’s a picture of the cougar,” then we all know the answer would be “female.”

Once again, schools–and education–are found to be unsafe for either innocent students or horny teachers. The only possible win-win situation is to end education all together.

Collision watch 2007

We’re in danger! An asteroid’s falling! Prepare for impact! Quick, someone get all the necessary supplies for this: Bruce Willis, Aerosmith, an oil company, and Michael Bay. We’ll show that asteroid what for! We’ll teach it that you can’t mess with … wait, what? It’s gonna hit Mars, and not us. In fact, the impact may not even be “dinosaurs go bye-bye” level? In that case, someone just call RATT instead.

It’s man-tastic!

So, ever dreamed of one day being contacted by authorities who would tell you you are the last living descendant and heir to a throne of some far away land? That happened recently to a Maryland man. I knew I moved too soon.

David Howe, who you may now refer to as, King David of Man, was crowned in March 30. He’s a normal guy with a family in suburban Maryland and has never even been near his kingdom. For those of you who don’t know where it is, it’s off the coast if England and is part of the United Kingdom. For the low, low price of $40,000 (donated to charity) he will make you a knight.

(Courtesy of Courtney P.)

How To: Stage a protest

Let’s face it, the world is filled with pretentious sphincters who love nothing more than to tell you how you should be living your life. While it might be important to know how to face these people in hand to hand combat, that will have to be saved for another day. Chances are you, yourself have a cause or two you like to champion every now and then. Like vermin, you will seek out your own kind and eventually find them. So once you’ve found said group, here’s how to trumpet the cause of your choice.

Tools:
-Open space
-Megaphone
-Thoroughfares

1) Location, location, location.
What’s true of the real estate business is also true of the protest industry, if you don’t have a good, public, eye-popping place, you’re not going to make a sale. You probably won’t even turn much of a profit if you did, now that the housing bubble burst. People are defaulting on their home loans left and–WHOOPS! That seems to be a simile that jumped the tracks.

As we were saying, be sure to find a good public place. Why public? Otherwise it’s a party at your place, or an unlawful assembly on private property, either way the media won’t care. Really, media attention is what it’s all about. Once you’ve got the media there, you’ve got the attention of the masses. This will help you recruit and get the attention of people in charge so they will take you seriously. That last one was a joke, protests are ignored by those in charge.

2) Is this thing on?
A good location will have open spaces for your crowds to gather. Hopefully there will be some kind of a platform or soap box from which you can perch and yell things the crowd knows agrees with already. Be sure to pound your fists a lot and wave your hands around as you speak, all the great dictators do this.

Make sure to have some kind of a loudspeaker or megaphone, otherwise you will be hoarse after a few minutes of ranting, and even then, most people probably won’t be able to hear you. Nothing is worse than a bunch of protesters confused as to what their leader is saying to them. How can they follow a cause if they cannot hear their leader telling them their opinions?

3) Disrupt the workday.
You have to stage the protest on a workday, preferably spanning from rush hour to rush hour. Don’t worry about schedule conflicts with your true believers, none of them will have jobs, because the people who really care about the issues have a lot of free time on their hands, whether on principle, financial backing from parents or drug-induced laziness.

By staging your protest in the middle of the day, you ensure that you and your fellow protesters will disrupt as many lives as possible. Nothing turns people in your favor like causing them to be over an hour late for work. Perhaps as they sit there they will use the time to think about your point. Speaking of which, what is it?

4) Be consistent.
We’ve all seen protests with a message, such as “Stop All Wars” get diluted with other causes like “Let Gays Back Into the Military” and “Don’t Fear All Men With Large Mustaches.” Other groups tack on their own causes and try to hijack the publicity-fest you and your cronies have worked so hard to create.

This is by far the worst thing (besides tear gas) that can happen to a protest. It is important to stay on message. To do this, it would be a good idea to brutally crush all those who threaten the glory of your message. Also, be sure to hand out a bunch of signs that all say the slogan you want. Once everyone is doing, thinking and chanting the same thing, you’ll get your message across.

Now that you’ve got your mini-dictatorship, you’ll be set. Whatever it is you’re trying to do, just be sure of one thing: keep your cause away from us. The Guys are not big fans of causes aside from our own.