As most of us who own calendars know, it’s that time of year again. There’s snow on the ground, people are singing and buying things in shiny boxes. That’s right, office Christmas party season is here once again. If you’re like most Americans, you are not looking forward to this because a) you hate your coworkers or b) you don’t want the really hot girl in the office to know you have a wife and kids. Nevertheless, you are going to the party, because you don’t want your pay docked. Here’s how to make the best of it, yes, here’s how to rock an office Christmas party.
Tools:
-A dream (that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.”)
-Rum (as much as possible)
-Some serious pipes
1) Get your nomenclature right, fool. First off, stop calling it a “Christmas party.” It’s not, and it hasn’t been since they hired Tevye the Jewish guy back in 1993. Since then, it’s been the “Holiday party.” Which holiday? Pick one! For kicks, choose Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day. That ought to keep ’em guessing where your head’s at, and the black guys will love it.
2) Drink heavily. Let’s face it, there is no better place to get crocked than at a family gathering. The only thing that can make it better is the presence the man responsible for your job, income and family’s health insurance. Time to get sauced and tell him just how much of a jerk face he is. He’ll forget it by 9 a.m. anyway! No booze at the party? That is why God invented the flask. But remember, ’tis the season for giving, so bring a bottle of rum with you and dump it in the eggnog when no one is looking. In an hour, all those bratty offspring of your coworkers will be on the floor. You’ll be a hero.
3) Do karaoke. This cannot be stressed enough, singing awkwardly-pitched songs everyone knows but refuses to sing along with is only appropriate when you are in a professional setting, surrounded by people you know and will have no qualms about harassing you well into the new year. If they have any Queen, go for Bohemian Rhapsody. No karaoke machine? Screw that! You can do a cappella.
4) Tell embarrassing stories about your coworkers to their families. Remember that time Charlie fell asleep at his desk and woke up with a mirror image of his desk calendar on his face? How about the time that Joan came out of the ladies’ room with an ENTIRE ROLL of toilet paper on her shoe? Hey, did you know that your husband Ted has a mistress? People will love your wacky stories about the people they thought they knew so well. Before long, you’ll be the life of the party. No good stories to think of? Just talk about episodes of The Office like they really happened.
If you follow these directions, you will be a huge success at your office shin-dig. At the very least, you will get out of there with the least amount of pain possible. So put on your Santa hat and get out there. It’s time to show once and for all you are the most talented reluctant entertainer of all time. Merry Christmas Holidays!