Day: December 13, 2007

How To: Raise your kids

A child will remain quiet if you teach them to read.The SeriouslyGuys don’t have kids; we don’t want them. In fact, one of us has been expressly forbidden from breeding. (Try to guess which one. We think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.) Since this is the internet, we are the most qualified to tell you parents out there how to raise your kids.

Tools:
A firm, but fair, hand
Dr. Spock
Treats

1) Read your manual and live by it.
Whenever we’re at a mall or amusement park, it annoys us to no end that we have to see, hear and sometimes smell your kids. Raising kids can’t be so tough because we know that the manual was already written by Dr. Spock. But we also know that you aren’t using the manual because your children act irrationally.

We haven’t read Dr. Spock’s book, yet. That’s your job. But we’ve watched enough Star Trek to get the gist of his philosophies.

Your children are like the early Vulcans: volatile, slaves to the whims of their primitive emotions. The Berenstein Bears called this the Gimmes. Star Trek never showed how Vulcans raise children, and it’s probably for the best. If they have to kill each other for breeding rights, then it’s very possible that many children do not live past potty training.

If they get out of hand, calmly remind your children that you brought them into this world and you can take them back out. The needs of the many at the mall outweigh the wants of a flawed creation.

2) Don’t you spank that kid!
It’s okay to presumably eat your children and hope for better results next time you achieve pon far, but you can’t hit them.

But it’s not because hitting them is abuse. It’s because they cry when you hit them. Loudly. Nobody likes a cry-baby, especially yours.

3) Explain sex to your kid so we don’t accidentally do it for you.
You know what’s awkward? When you’re surrounded by your adult friends, talking about adult things, and you notice someone’s crotchfruit nearby. It gets worse when the kid asks you what you meant by “donkey punch” and you know they think it has something to do with Shrek.

Instead of embarrassing us, explain to your kid how he was made, and not just the high school biology parts about sperm and eggs. Approach it like you’re testifying at a trial to explain where the bad man touched you. Include all the grisly details, including how you couldn’t grab both of mommy’s pigtails because she sprained your wrist during foreplay.

Not only will this prevent awkward half-assed explanations from us, but the story may actually encourage your child to remain abstinate through college.

4) Will you spank your child already?!
Oh, sweet merciful Max Roach. If you don’t hit that kid in the next 10 seconds, we will.

5) Get a babysitter or stay home.
Leave the kid at home. There’s a reason we don’t have children, and that’s because we don’t want them. Our lives are burdened enough without listening to the crying or, even worse, laughter of America’s future. Seriously, have children ever been called The Greatest Generation? No, just old people. Hell, maybe they’ll mind your brats. After all, what have they done for us since 1945?

A cab driver who really CAN drive

Don’t you just hate it when people drive like they’re in the Indy 500? I mean, what’s the big rush and why do they need to cut everyone off? Folks in Germany probably wondered that recently. As it turns out, the cab driver probably did think he was in the Indy 500.

Retired Formula One driver Michael Schumacher hopped behind the wheel of a taxi when he and his family were late for flight. He made the cabby ride shotgun on the trip to the airport. Schumacher, unfortunately lost time when he stopped for a tire change and found his pit crew nowhere in sight.

Immortal lost and found

Here we are, born to be kings, we're the princes of the universe!So that British guy who faked his death to move to Panama? He’s now saying that he used a dead baby’s name to create a fake birth certificate.

This blog does not believe it is leaping the bounds of logic by positing that John Darwin is, in fact, from a race of immortals. If you were to look up the records of his home, we bet you will find a long line of dead babies’ names on mortgages going all the way back to Charles Darwin himself. (Just compare this picture to the “doctored” one in the linked article.)

This explains the trip to Panama, which was probably the location of the Quickening.

Hand me down the bat anti-shark spray

In the winter time, it’s easy to forget about sharks. That’s exactly what they want. Though it may be winter in the northern hemisphere, did you know that nearly half the world has summer right now? It’s true.

In New Zealand, a surfer found a shark gnawing on part of her surfboard, and when she finally got it off of her board, she found another shark had eaten the leash that keeps her board connected to her ankle. Obviously, this was an evil shark plan to distract, cut the chord, then finish the job, but luckily she got out of there unharmed. Apparently they now hunt like wolves.