Day: December 17, 2007

From the SeriouslyGuys Vault: December 17, 1800

Beethoven’s Surprife Thirtieth Birthday Mysteriously Spoil’t
Pofted on the 17th day of December, 1800 A.D.
Filed under Maintain’t Composure | Leeve a Comment

Despite the most delibarating of Plans for his 30th Birthday yesterday, Herr Beethoven was nut surprifed.Despite the most delibarating of Plans for his 30th Birthday yesterday, this Publickation was caught off-guard to lern that Master Ludwig von Beethoven was not as well.

Revelers and other Friends of the controversual Composer gathered in his Home, extinguifhed all Candles and lay’d in wait of Herr Beethoven. When he returned to his Estait, they shouted in togethernesse, ‘Happy birthday, Ludwig!’

The Master of the House did not, however, turn from replacing his Caine to the Hall Closet. He did walk to the Setting Room and sat at his Piano. He then shouted to his Guests.

‘So you have attempted to surprise Herr Ludwig, no?’

In the most aukward of Sentimentalities, the Friends and Family did present their Cake and fond Birthday wishes, and then begged thair Leeve.

Local const’bulary inquire who told Herr Beethoven of the surprise Partie, but no Leedes have serfased to date. This Publickation also attempted to gain his Attention on the street, but our calls were unheeded.

Written by Gustaf von Pinderschmidt

Primate Watch: A War on Animals special

Sure, they kind of look like us–if we were really hairy, screeched a lot and tossed around our own feces. None of The Guys have done that since 8th grade. Scientists would have you believe these abominations (and abominable snowmen) are our distant cousins, some sort of vague resemblance of ourselves. Well if that’s true, scientists, how come we don’t have the hots for our cousins like at family reunions?

Regardless, because of their human-like appearances and qualities, primates are able to act cute because we humanize them and assume their have personalities, emotions, morals and agendas. Only the latter is correct. They have evil agendas and are hell-bent on exploiting us at our worst of all weaknesses: compassion.

We’ve mentioned in the past, the liberal media is labeling “crazy people,” not animals, as the enemy. Case in point, Michael Vick. But never has it been more obvious, than recently, when Anderson Cooper, host of CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360, went to the Congo to cover a news story (with his “analysis”) about the killings of many mountain gorillas. Apparently he’s been doing so since he was 17. Can we really blame him for his bias? Absolutely!

Currently, Congo is leading the way in the War on Animals. There are roughly 700 mountain gorillas left, and in Congo, 10 are shot each year, presumably by humans. Rather than tout this obvious good news coming from a horrible war, Cooper spins it as a tragedy, or how we need to save these dangerous beasts. Pah!

In other news, the city of New Delhi has finally started to crack down on the monkeys that crowd the city’s parks, buildings, shrines and streets. They have been known to bite, steal and other mischief, especially when accompanied by the Man in the Yellow Hat.

The New Delhi police plan to chase thousands of monkeys from the city, which has a high enough human population as it is. This blog applauds the police’s initiative. For far too long these illegal residents have been allowed to sit on street corners. Come back when you’re a human, you stupid monkey!

The truth is out there!

Recently, my MasterChugs Theater reviews have had a certain theme to theme: “SANTA CLAUS IS A BAD, BAD MAN, AND HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU.” If you’ve ever seen the movies referenced, you’ll understand why. Unfortunately, not a lot of people understand that concept because “that’s just a film, and the real Santa Claus is a nice guy, no matter what the movie industry portrays him to be.” I can get behind that logic, irony notwithstanding, except for, you know … THE FACT THAT PROOF EXISTS!

“But Chris, that article references a rogue elf, not Santa. It’s someone else that’s afoot, not the real guy.” Irony aside, everyone knows that in the Rankin-Bass War of ’64, all the elves were frozen in time, only able to move ever so slightly at essentially a second at a time. There’s no way that a rogue elf could’ve been the author of those bad letters because elves haven’t had the time to learn any of the alphabet past the letter P. This leaves only one culprit, and he’s been a naughty boy this year-Kris Kringle.

Canada-socialist paradise or child’s Christmas-time nightmare? You make the call.

Where there’s a tear, there’s a way

After years of tough talk, politicians worldwide have broken the code to getting what they want: crying like an 11-year-old girl when she really, really wants a pony. Or a phone in her room.

Mitt Romney admitted to bawling his little eyes out 30 years ago when the Mormon church decided black people are OK. His admission was accompanied with more tears, as was his speech last week where he explained that he’s better than secularists.

Meanwhile, the UN saw a softer side of Dutch sweetheart Yvo de Boer, who almost ruined his floral shirt with salty tears. Just like when Cindy Lou Who caused the Grinch’s heart to grow three-sizes, his crying fit brought the summit on climate change to an agreement to cut greenhouse gas emissions. (Daily Mail’s picture in this link wins the coveted SeriouslyGuys’ Picture of the Day.)

With the demeanor of a placating father reaching for his checkbook, “US delegation chief Paula Dobrainsky declared, ‘The United States is very committed to this effort and just wants to really ensure we all act together.

“‘With that, Mr. Chairman, let me say to you we will go forward and join consensus.'”

This blog is still waiting for the Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, to stiffle snot bubbles for his very own nuclear reactor.

The McBournie Minute: Bad pop taste

This is a great country we live in (for those of you joining us from overseas, I am talking about the U.S.). We are a country of trashy celebrities, yet we tout our moral superiority. We are a country of immigrants, but we hate newcomers. We complain about a lack of common sense, then sue fast food restaurants for serving perilously hot coffee. Yep, there’s not much you can find wrong about the U.S., except, apparently our taste in pop culture.

By now, many of you have heard I Am Legend won big time at the box office over the weekend, that’s fine by me. I didn’t get a chance to see it, but it looks great. But you know what came in second place? Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Really, America?

Sweet vidalia onions, people! I like their Christmas song this time of year as much as the next lobotomy patient, but who saw the previews for that movie and thought it was a good idea to go see it? Folks, CGI humanizations of animals make for bad movies (see Underdog and both Garfields). Not to mention, can you really take two hours of that? I know I could back in the 1980s when their first movie came out, but asking me to sit down and watch that is too much. Was it pity for Jason Lee that drove you to the theaters? I know the guy’s had some rough times, but give that charity money to the Salvation Army.

Last week, Billboard released its top selling albums of 2007 (even though the year isn’t over yet, go figure). You know who came out on top? Daughtry. Yes, the greasy, throaty, mildly-talented pseudo-rocker we all know from American Idol, or as I call it, Let’s See What Else is On.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, second place was Akon. Of course! We all love his hit song “I Want to (Have Sexual Relations With) You.” Third place was Fergie. Yes, the top three are known by one name. Not pretentious at all. I must say, however, that out of the top three, the one I really have a problem with is Fergie. When are people going to realize she was mediocre at best with the Black Eyed Peas, and even worse as a solo artist?

Don’t believe me? Watch this sub-stellar performance of Paul McCartney and Wings’ song “Live and Let Die.” Great ghost of George Lazenby! Flat notes, late entrances and excessive “woahs” assist Fergie in butchering this song the way Oddjob butchers statue heads with his hat. Don’t like that one? I’ll try again. This performance is so bad, James Bond would turn his Walther PPK on himself after this little ditty.

The moral of the story here is that America, what you think is good, seems to be really, really bad. Obviously, 2007 is down the tubes, so we need to start looking ahead. We all need to make sure that 2008 has a better grade of crap reigning at the top.