Day: December 18, 2007

Eat My Sports: Some serious awards

Come one, come all to the first annual SeriouslyGuys Serious Sports Awards. Next week is Christmas, and the week after is 2008, so now is the time to don your gay apparel, tell a fat old guy what you want, slam the nog and accept your award!

Seriously, You Need A New Profession Award: Miami Dolphins
Sure, you got your first win of the season this week, but you are still idiotic enough to think that Ricky Williams can be a feature back in the NFL, haven’t figured out that hangover you had in the post-Marino era hasn’t gone away, and Gus Frerotte, Trent Green, Leo Clemen, Jay Feely, Jay Fiedler and Daunte’s Peaked Culpepper ARE NOT THE ANSWER.

Seriously, We’re Sick of You Award: Barry Bonds
Now that the Mitchell report is out in the clear, it just verifies two things that most of America already thought anyway. 1) Barry Bonds’ head inflated due to a massive ego that could’ve swallowed most of the Celebrity Fit Club camp, and it wouldn’t have even shown, as well as because of steroids … which he injected in his butt. 2) The Yankees are nothing more than a bunch of lying sacks of cheaters and Roger Clemens was eating just as much HGH as he was donuts. Seriously, we’re done, just fix the problem, affix an asterisk and move on.

Seriously, We Weren’t a Fluke Award: Boston Red Sox
I’m pretty sure I know what finger Theo Epstein got sized for this ring. And I wouldn’t at all be surprised if A-Rod got a Christmas card with said photo. The Sox proved this year that 2004 was no joke. By the looks of this team, Red Sox Nation has reason to be optimistic for a long time. Plus, I’m almost positive that Jonathan Paplebon’s river dancing fueled the whole thing.

Seriously, You’re Rookie of the Year: Adrian Peterson
Freak of nature. He’s a beast. Random sports cliche. Any way you put it, Adrian Peterson has made NFL defenses look like they should be ashamed to don an NFL jersey, as well as wonder if they have a reason to wear a protective cup. Eight weeks in he took the single-game NFL rushing record, now he’s poised to lead the Minnesota Vikings back into the playoffs. Anyone ready for Love Boat #2?

Seriously, No One Cares: NBA
Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevamp.

Seriously, You’re the Athlete of the Year: Brett Favre
Never before have I understood why the media kissed this guy’s butt so much. However, after 15 weeks of the NFL season, I understand. This guy is the best to play the game. Period.

Seriously Best Team: New England Patriots
I can’t stand the Pats. So we’ll make this short. Blah, blah, blah Tom Brady. Blah, blah, blah 16-0. Blah, blah, blah probably win fourth Super Bowl. Blah, blah, blah look at his beautifully coiffed hair.

The infection spreads to Texas

It’s a horrible scene to come across: a car accident with several people injured. Often, chaos can take over, luckily the men and women of fire and EMS departments around the world are trained to work through such things. However, even sometimes they can get things wrong.

A woman in an accident in Texas recently was declared dead by EMS on the scene. They put a sheet over the woman’s body and waited for the coroner to arrive as police examined the crash. When coroners arrived, a grisly discovery was made, the woman wasn’t dead. No, somehow she had become one of the undead. This growing zombie threat must be brought to the public’s attention.

Side note: Interestingly enough, the so-called federal government has no stock images of zombies available for us to post. How convenient. We had to use one of Bryan Schools, whom this blog does not believe at this time is a zombie, but often resembles one.

Mall of America, meet the competition

Quick suggestion-if you’re going to the mall this week for some last minute shopping, be sure to head downstairs and pick up a lap dance. Oh, what’s that? Your mall doesn’t have a strip club in the basement? Then maybe you should move to Boulder, Colorado, home of The Nitro Club, a traditionally ridiculously named strip club located in Pearl Street Mall. Yes, you read that correctly: Boulder does what Ninten Minneapolis don’t.

Cue the Lee Greenwood

You know, it’s popular to bash our country here on the internet. Really, it’s an easy target. But every now and then, we read a story that reminds us just how good we have it here.

Unlike the US of A, Singapore doesn’t believe in things like freedom–the freedom to express yourself, damning the consequences. No, Singapore won’t let you chew bubble gum, spray paint cars or ride the elevator in a pair of sparkly bikini bottoms.

The Guys are proud of our nation and, more importantly, our right to wear bikini bottoms wherever we wish–no matter how much we should have shaved or bought the right size. God bless America.

Update: We can’t all be victims

The referenced article, “Take it from Snee: We can’t all be victims,” was posted on Wednesday, December 12, 2007.

It’s not my usual day, but this isn’t a full column, anyway. Remember what I was saying about people wanting to be victims just to appear right?

Francisco Nava, of Princeton University for now, has admitted to faking death threats and assault. He wanted to drum up sympathy for his conservative values. Somehow, he managed to beat the tar out of himself and make it look real.

Also listed in the article are several other instances of people doing anything it takes to look like victims:

    Nava’s confession comes amid several instances of falsified hate crimes on college campuses nationwide over the past several years, including one at the nearby College of New Jersey in 2001, when a gay student faked death threats to himself and other members of a pro-gay-rights student group.
    More recently, a freshman at George Washington University confessed last month to drawing swastikas on the door of her own dorm room. Additionally, in 2004, a visiting psychology professor at Claremont-McKenna College faked a hate crime by vandalizing her own car and spray-painting it with racist and sexist epithets, for which she was sentenced to a year in prison.

Like I said last Wednesday, we can’t all be victims. Now we have to wonder if people claiming death threats are genuine, or just trying to win an argument.

New enemies to fight

Two new species of animals have been found in what’s being called a lost world in the remote jungle of Indonesia. You may remember the last time creatures were found, a hairy lobster was found at the bottom of the sea. While these things don’t look nearly as Muppet-like, they are certainly dangerous.

The two species found were a huge of rat and a small opossum. The rat is five times the size of a normal city rat and “With no fear of humans, it apparently came into the camp several times during the trip.”

You hear that, everyone? It has no fear of humans. Just because these species have avoided contact with humans since the beginning of time doesn’t mean they haven’t been around other animals and know which side they are on. More species to eradicate.