Enemy-lovers rally to save condemned beaver

Posted on December 31, 2007
Filed Under War on Animals | |

The War on Animals is like every other war in history, in that it is ugly. The ugliness of that war has led the more naive of our kind to believe what we are doing in defending ourselves from the Animal Uprising is wrong. These protesters are stopping us from being victorious.

Take this story for example. While SG was on break last week, the headline said a pesky beaver was facing “the death sentence” for cutting down too many trees. No joke. This blog thought the lazy liberal media had finally caught on and rallied behind the cause. But then those no-goodniks at CNN, better known as the Critter News Network, posted the story, raising questions to the beaver’s punishment.

Because hippies wrote letters in protest to the City of Bakersfield, Calif. and its decision.

Key quote: “Brenner wrote [to the Calif. Governor's Office], ‘I saw an article on CNN.com that had a link to a Bakersfield, CA news station about a beaver that has been sentenced to death by wildlife officials for gnawing on trees in a local park. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Why has this creature been sentenced to death for doing the only thing that it knows how to do?’”

Ms. Brenner, you just answered your own question. The beaver must die because chopping down pretty trees and stopping our water supply is all it knows how to do. It can’t be rehabilitated.

Bakersfield has every right to issue such an order as a sovereign city. Besides, even if the beaver was not classified as an enemy combatant, it’s not human, and therefor would not be afforded the legal protections provided by the U.S. Constitution (read it, it says nothing about the rights of animals, except for a confusing statement about the arms of a bear).

Written by Bryan McBournie