Day: January 10, 2008

How To: Manage your money

Unless you are a worthless member of society, living off the charity of others, you have a job, and if you have a job you have money. Did you know that money can be a burden? It’s true, just ask any celebrity how tough their life is. Or as the ancient Phoenician proverb says, “mo’ money, mo’ problems.”

Because you have this money, probably coming in on a weekly or bi-weekly basis, and this means you have to find some place to put it. The Guys happen to be financial experts, so we’re here to tell you what to do with your finances.

Tools:
-Cash
-An e-mail account
-A pen handy
-Six-sided die

1) Invest wisely.
You might as well put that money into something that you will get something out of it in return (do not attempt sentences like this at home, we are trained professionals). Why not put it into something like some new clothing? Say, some cool new SG apparel (sweet shirt, no?), be the first one in your state to own it. Not only will you proudly proclaim to the world, “I enjoy snarky humor and running gags,” you will also look way cooler in it than that T-shirt tuxedo thing you have on right now.

Continue reading How To: Manage your money

Our electricity is under attack!

***Animal Alert: Condition Red***

Ladies and gentlemen, this blog has issued a Declaration of National Animal Emergency.

Remember the news a few days back of a cat “accidentally” causing a blackout in Idaho?

Cute, furry and traitorous!A squirrel has repeated the same “accident” in New Jersey.

It is obvious now that these were not mere accidents, but the beginning of a nationwide sabotage campaign to halt all human industry. Because of the disparity of species, all animals are considered suspects and should be detained indefinitely.

A Condition Red Animal Alert means that we are considered under attack. Security will be intensified at all potential targets. Please submit to the National Guardsmen enforcing martial law in your neighborhoods. Most importantly, do not attempt to feed or pet animals as this will be considered treason. You know what happens to treasoners.

***Animal Alert: Condition Red***

Dateline: To Catch a Significant Other

Awkward! In what sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, a man, looking for a little something extra on the side of his marriage, goes into a brothel. He then meets at the brothel his wife, who had been making a little something extra on the side…at said brothel. The punchline: they’re now divorced despite finally having something extra in common. Ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be here all weekend. Check out the buffet, it’s delicious. So, what have we learned as the morals of the story?
1) If you’re going to work in a brothel, make sure it’s not in the same town you live in.

2) If you are going to visit a brothel, make sure it’s not in the same town you live in.

Scouts: now a bully’s cream dream

Don't haze me, bro!The Boy Scouts of America have added a new requirement to their entry-level ranks: proving “they have learned Scout-approved ways to avoid being pushed around and called names.”

Such steps include telling the bully how their behavior hurts others and snappy replies like, “So what if I have a face full of zits. What’s it to you?”  There’s still no word if the training includes a crash course in the relational properties of rubber and glue.

If this blog may make a recommendation to bullied scouts: quit wearing your uniform to school.

Why does that package sound like a cowbell?

For centuries, the English stuck the heads of its enemies atop pikes on the old London Bridge. Today, it’s gotten to the point where we can’t even mail such a thoughtful, if tardy, holiday gift.

In what analysts are calling a mash-up of Godfather-style message sending, a Pennsylvania man is being held for mailing a severed cow’s head to his wife’s lover. The intended message: “Luca Brasi sleeps with the cows.” Keep in mind this is Pennsylvania, where the mafia is not nearly as competent.

But seriously, the man sent the cow’s head frozen so it wouldn’t alert mail carriers. Apparently parcels are not allowed to bleed anymore. The package became bloody after thawing on the front porch of the recipient’s house all afternoon. Regardless of the intent, it should be perfectly legal if I kill an orangutan (they are quite common here in the D.C. metropolitan area), I should be able to mail the head as a gift to whomever I want, because I am a warrior.