How To: Manage your money

Posted on January 10, 2008
Filed Under How To | |

Unless you are a worthless member of society, living off the charity of others, you have a job, and if you have a job you have money. Did you know that money can be a burden? It’s true, just ask any celebrity how tough their life is. Or as the ancient Phoenician proverb says, “mo’ money, mo’ problems.”

Because you have this money, probably coming in on a weekly or bi-weekly basis, and this means you have to find some place to put it. The Guys happen to be financial experts, so we’re here to tell you what to do with your finances.

Tools:
-Cash
-An e-mail account
-A pen handy
-Six-sided die

1) Invest wisely.
You might as well put that money into something that you will get something out of it in return (do not attempt sentences like this at home, we are trained professionals). Why not put it into something like some new clothing? Say, some cool new SG apparel (sweet shirt, no?), be the first one in your state to own it. Not only will you proudly proclaim to the world, “I enjoy snarky humor and running gags,” you will also look way cooler in it than that T-shirt tuxedo thing you have on right now.

2) Steer clear of most banks.
Most big banks out there only want you for your money. Sure, they offer things like CDs and high yield savings accounts and throw around words like “interest” and “dollars,” but that’s all just a bunch of fancy lingo they use to confuse you and hand over your stack. Besides, don’t banks know no one listens to CDs anymore?

No, you want to go with one of those friendly, online people that sends you the occasional e-mail message like the ones from the Prince of Zambia. After all, you didn’t even enter their country’s lottery and somehow, out of all the millions of starving people who live there, your name was chosen! And then, their very own royalty was kind enough to tell you about it personally, all he wants is some personal information. You can trust him, he’s a foreign head of state whom you’ve never met. Besides, how often to you think they have working Internet in Zambia to send messages like that out to people?

3) Rack up credit.
Already got that cash you have in a savings account (you schmuck)? Get as many credit cards as you can. If you’re in college, credit card companies are practically begging you to apply for one, and how often are you offered them at stores like Best Buy and JCPenney? Pick a card, any card, but don’t pick just one.

Go ahead, buy new movies and games every week! Remember that jacket you thought was too expensive? Not anymore! Those things are basically the same thing as gift cards–free money, except you need to spend them as fast as possible.

4) Fall back on board games.
You may not realize it, but your childhood board games were really preparing you for the adulthood. This has been true of society since the dawn of time. Chess, for example, helped medieval strategists win wars. Back then, knights moved inexplicably in L-shaped patterns and castles were constantly relocating both vertically and horizontally. In warfare so complicated, a scaled-down version was needed for training.

The same is true today. Think about it, the Game of Life? Monopoly? Dizzy Dizzy Dinosaur? They all hold some kind of life lesson or some indication of what society values: money. Make Milton Bradley your investment firm. Remember in the older versions of Life how you could play the stock market? You bought a number, and any time someone spun your number, you got cash. That’s how the New York Stock Exchange works. Buy a number, there are millions of people in this country, odds are several will spin your number.

Monopoly more directly shows you how to become a tycoon. Invest in a thimble, then buy up property, especially railroads, because Amtrak is loaded. The point is to acquire as much real estate as you can so you can, forcing other people to pay you for the things they need to survive. Eventually, you can drive them into the poor house. Sure, you might end up in jail, but if you have enough money, you can get out for free.

Written by Bryan McBournie